Dealing with addict Fiance.. Help??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Ju5tBr3ath3 
.... The only thing is don't mst of those symtoms, like the mood swings, don't they go along with withdrawals as well?
Combine various addictive chemicals, such as booze and drugs, and you get a circus of symptoms. Unless you are specialized physician, and have current blood labs to consult, you really can't tell which way they're going at any given moment.
Which is why recovery for us family members focuses on the _behavior_ of the addict/alkie, and not on the chemicals. It really doesn't matter what they are taking or how much or how often. What matters is how they _behave_ towards us.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by cynical one
If he says he will clean up for you or anyone else…he is doomed to fail.
This recovery stuff is such an inside job…on both sides.
And that waiting and looking for signs of use…that's crazy making stuff. Live. Live your life to the fullest, work on you, and maybe he will catch up…maybe not. But, don't lose time…waiting. Using always looks like using, and real recovery is just as obvious.
This recovery stuff is such an inside job…on both sides.
And that waiting and looking for signs of use…that's crazy making stuff. Live. Live your life to the fullest, work on you, and maybe he will catch up…maybe not. But, don't lose time…waiting. Using always looks like using, and real recovery is just as obvious.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by cynical one
If he says he will clean up for you or anyone else…he is doomed to fail.
This recovery stuff is such an inside job…on both sides.
And that waiting and looking for signs of use…that's crazy making stuff. Live. Live your life to the fullest, work on you, and maybe he will catch up…maybe not. But, don't lose time…waiting. Using always looks like using, and real recovery is just as obvious.
This recovery stuff is such an inside job…on both sides.
And that waiting and looking for signs of use…that's crazy making stuff. Live. Live your life to the fullest, work on you, and maybe he will catch up…maybe not. But, don't lose time…waiting. Using always looks like using, and real recovery is just as obvious.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I've been doing better I've been focusing on my school work. Do you really think that he is doomed to fail if he's quiting for me? He says he wants to clean up so he won't lose me. "
Yes, quitting for someone else never works, it is all about him wanting to quit for him.
Yes, quitting for someone else never works, it is all about him wanting to quit for him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Ju5tBr3ath3
I've been doing better I've been focusing on my school work. Do you really think that he is doomed to fail if he's quiting for me? He says he wants to clean up so he won't lose me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Not losing you may be one of the reasons he says he will quit, but he really must quit for himself to sustain his recovery. Life with drugs must get worse than life without drugs. What are you doing to enable his using? Until the addict is made (allowed) to feel the effects of the choices they have made to use, they will go back to their addiction. People bail out addicts, make it easier for them to keep using. Make sure you are not doing anything to make his using easy on him to do. Before my husband and I realized our son was a heroin addict, we had given him money and a car. When the truth was revealed to us we had to take a good, long look at ourselves and see what we were doing that was helping our son continue on with his addiction. It didn't happen overnight (our not enabling him). So, for yourself, learn all you can so that you stop all enabling practices with your fiancé. He may eventually come to his senses. If not, then that's his choice and the sooner you know that the better iMO.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by freeatlast1313
breathe,
Your story touched my heart, you remind me of me. You sound young, idealistic and not made hard or cynical by the rotton crap life deals us at times. I am 47 and I still believe in happy endings, love and the basic goodness within us all . What I have learnedin my years and am still learning is to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.
Read,read,read but try not to let others experiences paint a gray curtain over life, love and relationships. Stay idealistic but work hard to develop your bull s*** detector, learn to listen to your gut (it rarely is wrong) and learn quicky to recognize the red flags that we women in love so easily ignore.
A warning: this is tricky business. There is a fine line between learning the points mentioned above without seeing EVERYONE as negative. It is easy to become cynical to judge to harshly or quickly. Like all things, cynicism in moderation is a good thing.
Pump yourself full of knowledge baby girl, keep it under your hat and just listen and observe while using your knowlegde. Sometime the truth is in our faces but we are distracted and miss it.
Congrats on postponing the wedding, if this man is worthy of you, is a real and decent man, all that should reveal itself to you shortly. Dont rush and remember listen to your guts.
With love,
Freeatlast
Your story touched my heart, you remind me of me. You sound young, idealistic and not made hard or cynical by the rotton crap life deals us at times. I am 47 and I still believe in happy endings, love and the basic goodness within us all . What I have learnedin my years and am still learning is to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.
Read,read,read but try not to let others experiences paint a gray curtain over life, love and relationships. Stay idealistic but work hard to develop your bull s*** detector, learn to listen to your gut (it rarely is wrong) and learn quicky to recognize the red flags that we women in love so easily ignore.
A warning: this is tricky business. There is a fine line between learning the points mentioned above without seeing EVERYONE as negative. It is easy to become cynical to judge to harshly or quickly. Like all things, cynicism in moderation is a good thing.
Pump yourself full of knowledge baby girl, keep it under your hat and just listen and observe while using your knowlegde. Sometime the truth is in our faces but we are distracted and miss it.
Congrats on postponing the wedding, if this man is worthy of you, is a real and decent man, all that should reveal itself to you shortly. Dont rush and remember listen to your guts.
With love,
Freeatlast
Freeatlast,
That was profound in ways in ways both subtle and gross.Thank you for writing it.
It is SUCH a fine line between helthy skepticism and cynicism.I am 52 and also
still believe in happy endings, love and the basic goodness within us all.
Pure cynicism is cowardice.But sometimes a little cowardice is called for in dangerous
situations.You don't win the Indy 500 by mashing the accelerator to
the floor and keeping it there.
(Anyone can do that!).
Let cynicism take over.....then everything is f****d and you don't get
out of bed (sounds alot like addiction!).Don't let the curve balls life throws at
us all turn us into cowards.
But keep a wary eye out for those red flags!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
I feel your pain. My boyfriend is also Addicted to pain pills and I've found through lots and lots of reading that I am helpless in fixing him & his problem. He's got to first address that he has a problem, but still that isn't enough. He has to want to quit for himself. I know exactly how you feel when you say you want t feel imp
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
Oops cut off my last reply-
...important enough. I relate so much to that. I feel as though my boyfriend used to bring me the most joy, he used to make me feel like the most important most wanted person. Now I feel he cares less and the drugs have become # 1. I haven't even been on this site very long & have already found tons of helpful information. Wish you the best & stay strong. You are so not alone.
...important enough. I relate so much to that. I feel as though my boyfriend used to bring me the most joy, he used to make me feel like the most important most wanted person. Now I feel he cares less and the drugs have become # 1. I haven't even been on this site very long & have already found tons of helpful information. Wish you the best & stay strong. You are so not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7
Things are getting some better. I stayed the night with him to try and figure out where we are eactly and he seemed fine and willing to fix things but then today he goes off with a friend and has barely talked to me. I'm just trying not to get my hopes up because if he does get better and stay clean I dunno if he's willing to actually try and fix us as well. I just hate this whole situation. I never in a million years thought I'd have to go throgh something like this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by freeatlast1313
Hi Vale,
I am not the greatest technical writer either but it comes from the heart.
Free
I am not the greatest technical writer either but it comes from the heart.
Free
>>>>I think you are....<<<<
(I don't know what technical writing is---but I know good writing when
I see it----thank you again)
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