Dealing with addict Fiance.. Help??

Old 11-10-2012, 01:14 PM
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Dealing with addict Fiance.. Help??

I'm so hurt and lost. I am engaged to be married in two months and on Halloween I find out my fiance has been stealing my pain pills that I got from the dentist because I had a tooth pulled. I can't take them they made me sick the first two nights so I said I wasnt going to take anymore. I didn't like throwing up. Then on Halloween we were suppose to go to a party and I said I was going to take a half of one with me in case I got to hurting really bad. Well he got mad and was accusing me on just taking them to feel good. I got to looking for them because I thought that was odd for him to say that. I'm not like that. And surprise surprise I couldn't find the bottle they weren't in my purse. I went to him and said "Either tell me what happened to them or give them to me". He told me what happened.

I had fifteen and i took 3. He took 11 in the course of two days. And this apparently wasnt the first time. My mother has had them go missing before and she thought it was him but I defended him and said no he wouldn't do that to me. He owned up to those going missing as well. I asked him about my mom's pills because I had a funny feeling about it and begged him to tell me if he did, that I would help him even if he did. A few days ago I was packing up his clothes to take to him because I did't want him staying with me messed up like that,(we live with my sister who JUST had a baby) and found reciepts from pawn shops one was for my sister's tablet and one for his grandpa's dulcimer who has passed and his grandma gave it to him to keep. We got to looking in the house to see if he got anything else and the piggy banks for my little nephew which were full of money only had a few pennies in them. I feel betrayed and hurt beyond anything I've ever felt before.

I've talked to him and he has went to rehab classes this whole week. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but one of his close friends passed away earlier this week and I'm so afraid that this is going to cause him to give up. I want to be important enough to him to make him wanna be a better person. I don't know how to go about fixing things with us. I'm afraid to talk about things with him because what if it makes him more down on himself that he starts back up again? I love him and what to work things out but when is it time to start doing that? It just feels like I'm waiting but for what I don't know.
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:26 PM
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The first thing I would do is put the wedding on hold. Unless you don't mind being married to an addict. He's stealing from piggy banks. Sound like a good life partner to you?

If you want him to clean up and fly straight, then two months is not enough time to determine if he will do anything about his problem. A year after rehab and his working a strong program of recovery would be the bare minimum. Drug addiction is no easy problem to fix. And this problem is his problem to fix. You can not fix this for him or help him fix it. You are not important enough to cause him to get clean and sober. His getting clean and sober comes from inside him. He has to want to fight this battle himself. At this point I don't think he's there yet. Maybe it will come.
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:28 PM
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I want to be important enough to him to make him wanna be a better person. I don't know how to go about fixing things with us. I'm afraid to talk about things with him because what if it makes him more down on himself that he starts back up again? I love him and what to work things out but when is it time to start doing that? It just feels like I'm waiting but for what I don't know.
Oh dear girl, you ARE important, never forget that.

You can't fix things, none of us can. If love could stop them from using, not one of us would be here.

All we can do is learn to take very good care of ourselves...because we ARE important enough to care about. We learn that we don't have to allow anyone to treat us like that. Stealing from us is wrong. Taking anyone's medication is wrong. Using drugs in a home where there is a baby is wrong and dangerous.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable. There is a lot of good information here, especially on the sticky threads at the top of this forum, that may show you what you are in for if you choose to go along for the ride.

Hugs
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:37 PM
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This man has a serious problem, a disease that has no cure. There is nothing you can do to help him, it is all up to him. This disease has tenacles that reach far and wide and have a negative effect on everyone they touch, you, his family, your family and friends.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this page and cynical one's blogs, knowledge is power and you need to fully understand the impact that marrying an addict will have on your entire life.

Read around and keep posting, it will help.
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:51 PM
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Thank you guys, finding this has made me feel less lonely in this.

I have put the wedding on hold, he has been doing good so far but its early. I've been reading things on here since its happened, trying to understand it and figure out what to do.

It is possible for things to turn out good again isn't it?
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:59 PM
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"It is possible for things to turn out good again isn't it? "

Yes, it is... about 10% of addicts working a strong recovery can remain clean for life. The other 90%, can either go one of two ways, never quit or have periods of soberity.

No reason to make a decision today, watch his behavior, for his words, they mean nothing. Addicts lie and then they lie some more, it is part of the disease.
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Old 11-10-2012, 02:08 PM
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Welcome to SR, but I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

Putting off the wedding sounds like the best plan. You and your love are no match for addiction. Its not personal, but an active addicts first love will always be their drug. Look at how low he sunk to get his drugs!!! And that's not nearly as low as he can/will go.

To answer your question about things turning out good again, sadly, less then 10% recover for life.

I had too learn that my love wasn't enough, my addict wasn't special and my marriage wasn't special enough to beat it. Addiction does not discriminate.
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Old 11-10-2012, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Ju5tBr3ath3 View Post
I'm so hurt and lost. I am engaged to be married in two months and on Halloween I find out my fiance has been stealing my pain pills that I got from the dentist because I had a tooth pulled. I can't take them they made me sick the first two nights so I said I wasnt going to take anymore. I didn't like throwing up. Then on Halloween we were suppose to go to a party and I said I was going to take a half of one with me in case I got to hurting really bad. Well he got mad and was accusing me on just taking them to feel good. I got to looking for them because I thought that was odd for him to say that. I'm not like that. And surprise surprise I couldn't find the bottle they weren't in my purse. I went to him and said "Either tell me what happened to them or give them to me". He told me what happened.

I had fifteen and i took 3. He took 11 in the course of two days. And this apparently wasnt the first time. My mother has had them go missing before and she thought it was him but I defended him and said no he wouldn't do that to me. He owned up to those going missing as well. I asked him about my mom's pills because I had a funny feeling about it and begged him to tell me if he did, that I would help him even if he did. A few days ago I was packing up his clothes to take to him because I did't want him staying with me messed up like that,(we live with my sister who JUST had a baby) and found reciepts from pawn shops one was for my sister's tablet and one for his grandpa's dulcimer who has passed and his grandma gave it to him to keep. We got to looking in the house to see if he got anything else and the piggy banks for my little nephew which were full of money only had a few pennies in them. I feel betrayed and hurt beyond anything I've ever felt before.

I've talked to him and he has went to rehab classes this whole week. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but one of his close friends passed away earlier this week and I'm so afraid that this is going to cause him to give up. I want to be important enough to him to make him wanna be a better person. I don't know how to go about fixing things with us. I'm afraid to talk about things with him because what if it makes him more down on himself that he starts back up again? I love him and what to work things out but when is it time to start doing that? It just feels like I'm waiting but for what I don't know.
You need to take care of you - look into al anon. You CANT fix him he has to do this.

But do you want him round you if he is stealing from you n your family n lying? Can you trust him?
Unless he sorts himself out be careful. These are very expensive things he's taking n pawning.
Giving you a big hug n thinking of you xxx
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Old 11-10-2012, 02:59 PM
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I am sorry for what brought you here but glad you found us.
I would like too second what Ann said you ARE important, We ALL are.

Sadly, addiction is a powerful and life long thing I agree putting the wedding on hold is the best for now. Time will reveal more.

The stickies are great as suggested.
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Old 11-10-2012, 03:39 PM
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Welcome to SoberRecovery. My RABF's DOC is also pain pills. It is not your fault that your bf uses. It's not about you. Unfortunately, the drugs became the addict's best friend, lover, etc. They will give up everything to avoid feeling bad from withdrawals and to feel "normal." That's part of addiction. My bf lied to me a lot because of the pain pills. He had to lie to doctors to get more pills, and he lied to himself about the severity of the drug addiction. He told me recently that the worst part of the addiction was all of the lies that he told himself. He also agreed with his counselor that the pain pills became his "best friend."

Keep reading, and check out the stickies at the top of the page.
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Old 11-10-2012, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Ju5tBr3ath3 View Post
I'm afraid to talk about things with him because what if it makes him more down on himself that he starts back up again? I love him and what to work things out but when is it time to start doing that? It just feels like I'm waiting but for what I don't know.
It's not your fault that he uses. You don't have any control over his use. It doesn't matter what you say or what you don't say. I've been there where I'm all worried about the right amount to say. The addict finds recovery when they want it and when they do the work to become clean.
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Old 11-10-2012, 05:55 PM
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Remember you

Didn't cause it
You Can't cure it
You can't control it

Only he can do that, it feels personal I know at least it did and still sometimes does for me but reality is it isn't personal against us.
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Old 11-10-2012, 08:32 PM
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If you type in the search engine at the top of the page, "To Callie and all the other spouses", you will be directed to a thread about pill addiction from the Substance Abuse forum, from 2008. It runs several pages and will give you important information.
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Old 11-10-2012, 09:41 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
If you type in the search engine at the top of the page, "To Callie and all the other spouses", you will be directed to a thread about pill addiction from the Substance Abuse forum, from 2008. It runs several pages and will give you important information.
Here's the link to that thread

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-answers.html

Mike
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Old 11-10-2012, 11:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Ju5tBr3ath3 View Post
Thank you guys, finding this has made me feel less lonely in this.

I have put the wedding on hold, he has been doing good so far but its early. I've been reading things on here since its happened, trying to understand it and figure out what to do.

It is possible for things to turn out good again isn't it?
================================================== ========

As long as were on odds.....my estimate is that less than 10% would have the
centeredness and core values to put their wedding on hold.

The other 90% hope for the best,call for flank speed on the denial and
order more cotton to stuff in their ears----whilst telling members here (some
of whom have been at this for DECADES) ...
that they don't know what they are talking about..

Read,learn,process,understand.Something tells me that you are not going
to be one of the attrition statistics.Of course it is possible for things to turn
out good.Anyone (on SR or ANYWHERE ELSE) who claims to foresee future
events with certainty is nothing but a fool.

But with that being said---extraordinary caution is called for when the
subject is addiction.In few other areas of life does wishful thinking have the
potential to be so catastrophically costly.
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Old 11-11-2012, 07:23 AM
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I would put off the wedding for at least a year and see if his actions match his words of promises for recovery..

If you will read through my past posts you will see that living with a drug addict is painful and it doesn't get better, it gets much much worse the longer they use and the longer they stay in denial about their problem.

I've given my Ah chance after chance to straighten up, clean up and be a husband.. I'm now filing for a Divorce next week because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I know in my heart that he's not going to get better..

please please please don't marry this man...
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:22 AM
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I'm just waiting. Waiting to see if he is going to follow through with his promises to clean up for me.

How do you know if they've started useing again? Is there signs? Well I know there are signs there were before but I just thought I was being paranoid. But what did you guys look for to know that they're are still clean?
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
Here's the link to that thread


Mike
That link helped A LOT. The only thing is don't mst of those symtoms, like the mood swings, don't they go along with withdrawals as well?
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Ju5tBr3ath3 View Post
Thank you guys, finding this has made me feel less lonely in this.

I have put the wedding on hold, he has been doing good so far but its early. I've been reading things on here since its happened, trying to understand it and figure out what to do.

It is possible for things to turn out good again isn't it?
breathe,
Your story touched my heart, you remind me of me. You sound young, idealistic and not made hard or cynical by the rotton crap life deals us at times. I am 47 and I still believe in happy endings, love and the basic goodness within us all . What I have learnedin my years and am still learning is to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.
Read,read,read but try not to let others experiences paint a gray curtain over life, love and relationships. Stay idealistic but work hard to develop your bull s*** detector, learn to listen to your gut (it rarely is wrong) and learn quicky to recognize the red flags that we women in love so easily ignore.
A warning: this is tricky business. There is a fine line between learning the points mentioned above without seeing EVERYONE as negative. It is easy to become cynical to judge to harshly or quickly. Like all things, cynicism in moderation is a good thing.
Pump yourself full of knowledge baby girl, keep it under your hat and just listen and observe while using your knowlegde. Sometime the truth is in our faces but we are distracted and miss it.
Congrats on postponing the wedding, if this man is worthy of you, is a real and decent man, all that should reveal itself to you shortly. Dont rush and remember listen to your guts.
With love,
Freeatlast
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:43 AM
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being with an addict is HARD!! i know your pain my husband is an alcholic but hes taking pills while drinking. alcohols is main deal but hell take something if you its good and you have it. after having our daughter i was prescribed vicodin well i only took it if i realllllyyy needed to . me and medication especially vicodin dont mix well anyhow my ah stayed up drinking one night i had giving him one vicodin that day because of so and so w.e.....anyhow the next mroning i woke up hurting and so i went to go get my pills and they were gone..cleaned out. i go into the living room where ah passed out and they were all soaked on the floor.i dont know why and i dont know what happened. frankly didnt care because in the end it was because he was drinking and is an addict. so i ended up without and he denied it was him and so instead of an im sorry i got an it wasnt me.
as far as wanting to be important enough to quit ....i too have felt like that. that if he loved me he will be sober. he will see what hes doing to me and himself. frankly.....the most important reason he will have to quit will only be for himself. this is why programs such as aa are so important even therapy by himself because in the end he has to see that he world can be wrong but he doesnt have to be and that things happen example his friend but that we must move forward and not succumb to addiction. talk to him about seeking high performance therapy/aa if this is a fear of yours. he should be attending meetings as much as humanly possible
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