KariSue

Got our addicted son out of our house!

The last time I posted I was once again asking about doing it (specifically the best way to) and someone must have remembered me posting in the past and told me I had asked the same thing 4 years ago and the answers I was given then hadn't changed. Sting! Wow, what a wake up call although I felt it was a bit harsh at the time. Harsh but I needed to hear it.

I had some issues because I was ready way before my husband but he finally came around. We asked advice of friends and I asked here and no one really said they disagreed with my husband's and his friend's plan to pay for 3 months rent for an apartment for my son and his girlfriend and to tell them they couldn't ask us for money or ever come live with us again....ever.

Well so far so good (although it has only been 2 weeks). The last week they were here my son found a job he likes and they are settled in the apartment so we'll see what happens. It has been so freeing and wonderful getting my house back again.

It makes me wonder how long people enable, on the average. It was years for us. I don't even remember but at least 6 because my granddaughter just turned 7 and she was an infant when he was living here (off and on).

Kari

Ann

Good for you. It took me years too, perhaps 7 in all, to actually make him leave for good. Somewhere in there he had three years clean so it was over a 7 year period, but probably 4 years in all.

If I knew then what I know now, I might have given it a good shot for about a year...or until the first time he stole from us, and then I would have made a clean break, no regrets.

But that's not how codependency works, and why we find ourselves as sick as they are. Just like a recovering addict, if he had it to do over, would have quit the first week. The sickness takes over some time along the way and we are hooked just like they are hooked to their drug.

So today I am grateful just to survive, to be wiser today and live better today because of all I learned along the way.

I will keep your boy in my prayers.

Hugs

outtolunch

I view my codependency as a disease of ego, my own ego. I also view enabling as a tool of my ego. My daughter was shooting heroin and was going to do so no matter what I did or not. The enabling I did back then was all about sustaining my own hopeful fantasy that I was a good mama and in control.

Today, I know I am a good mama and the only thing I control is my own reaction. Like Ann, I am grateful for having survived this journey.

LoveMeNow

Great news KariSue-

As for those harsh comments, lol, I got plenty of them too and I am forever thankful. They stung like hell but I needed them. Denial was my DOC for way too long!

KariSue

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole co-dependency thing. I just know I wanted to help him and after repeated failures to do so realized I couldn't. It didn't matter if people here or elsewhere 'told' me I couldn't, I had to 'live it' and find out for myself.

I can't yet decide if I think this is a disease or not and I'm not a fan of NA or Naranon really. I tend to think the secular programs seem more logical. BUT, that is another thread, lol.

I'm just glad we had the guts to finally do it. I remember seeing an episode of Dr. Phil where someone said that this disease seems to respond more to mental toughness than anything else.

But whatever, these last few weeks have been drama free and peaceful. That's not to say that things won't start up again but he tends to go long periods without using and this looks like a remission time at least so I'm gonna enjoy it.

Kari

crazybabie

I hope he stays clean but at least for now you have your house and some peace.

Anaya

I say good for you, too. It's so nice to have peace, isn't it? Keep up your resolve, and I hope all goes well.

I enabled for years, have worked on not enabling and still struggle. As far as how long people enable, I just wanted to mention that a dear neighbor (who is currently in her 80's) and I were talking about our sons and things we've done to "help" them, and she claimed she gave her 50ish year-old money and didn't know when she'd be getting it back.

Vale

================================================== ===
Kari Sue,

My personal opinion is that people get FAR too wound about the axle
trying to 'classify' this disorder.It's a disease/it is not.WAYYYY too much
emphasis on semantics....

Meanwhile (operationally) this THING is coming at you WITH TEETH!
It's powerful,malevolent,and has it's eyes locked on your jugular.Perhaps
some can get close enough to read it's clothing labels---and judge whether
or not the devil TRULY wears Prada....

But the moment I decided I couldn't kill this thing---was the moment my
telos became finding an exit from the arena.

"You say tomAtoe,I say toMATo......"

(I just didn't want to end up as ketchup on the floor of the arena!)

KariSue

Colorful way to put it Vale! So true though.

Kari

kmangel

Our son was only with my husband and me for over seven months (after rehab) and it was a trying time for all of us. The best thing that happened was the day he moved out. Thank God for that! I'm just living each day as it comes and like you enjoying the peace and quiet!

BeavsDad

I may have been the "harsh" one.

I don't do meetings or have a spiritual connection. All I've learned and practiced has come from the awesome folks on this forum sharing their ES&H.

You and your husband might consider exactly what your UNITED actions will be if/when your son falls off the wagon and loses the apartment.

My son has been "good" for a while now, but I still read here several times a week as part of my overall "codie maintenance" and to keep a digital connection to those I trust in case I need them again.

Nina Kay

In my case, it's been progress not perfection. We have experienced 17 yrs of our son's alcoholism/addictions. There have been times when we have been very strong about not enabling & other times when we have enabled without reaizing that this was what we were really doing. It's a really really hard deal when it's your child.