this is hard you guys...
this is hard you guys...
I've been lingering here for almost 6 months, and finally decided to post. I have an ABF and I find myself struggling with my recovery even though He is sober and working and responsible cith his finances, so why don't I trust him? How can I trust him and let go of everything that happened before rehab? Should I? I always doubt. always. I don't want to be a codie anymore and I don't know how, even with Nar anon. thanks for reading. Just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
I'm not a codie but just want to give you a hug as think you need one. You'll get plenty of support here from ppl going through the same wxperience.
If your bf has given you reason not to trust him then it will take time to rebuild that trust.
Take care xxx
If your bf has given you reason not to trust him then it will take time to rebuild that trust.
Take care xxx
I haven't read it yet. Im afraid. afraid that the only answer is to leave when all I want to do is stay. My family says he's worth it and so does my heart. everything I read, however says Im setting up for failure.... one day at a time I suppose :l
Cynical One has a great blog. Maybe you can start there???
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Melanie Beattie has a new book called The new CoDependency. It is ace - has tasks in it n she has been on both sides: she was also an alcoholic n addict n had a husband who was an alcoholic for 7 yrs i think xxx
Wow thanks you guys. everyone is so kind and honest. my question is this: am I not supposed to care about whether or not he's sober? He was late showing up with a legit excuse "fell asleep" at the movies but had also worked a 12 hour day... is it dependency to think and call him out on these things like being late and nodding out, or is it enabling to ignore them? I hope I make sense. I have found some hobbies to occupy my time and am really trying to pray and find out what God wants me to do. I realize now that I was a codie before i met this boy, but when he went to rehab and I went to PALS and they sent me to Nar-anon I realized I've had this problem since I was a teen. boys are my DOC soooo.... now what? Thanks again everyone. Im glad to "meet " all of you
Lily, do yourself a favour and read Codependent No More, I promise you that you will think it was written about you. It's a wonderful book about what codependency is, how we got this way and how we can live in a healthier way. The choice to stay or go is always yours to make, and yours alone. The book tells us how to take care of ourselves and is not about just leaving, I promise.
Glad you joined us, give trust time, it has to be earned by them and is not something we "give" on our own. You'll be okay, give yourself time to heal.
Hugs
Glad you joined us, give trust time, it has to be earned by them and is not something we "give" on our own. You'll be okay, give yourself time to heal.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i read somewhere recently about listening to your heart when you have other issues going on inside of you. basically your gut and heart have no idea what is the right thing for you for you dont know what the right thing is. (youre a codie, i have engulfment issues...i dont like people getting close). my heart use to tell me what was right and id fall for it every time. my gut use to say it may not be wise, but hey, who knows, i could be wrong. so id go for it. look at the facts in your relationship. your bf is in recovery (awesome), but you have been hurt and no longer trust him (understandable). your bf though at this point is clean (as far as you know). question is, what is it going to take for you to trust him again. why dont you trust him? what are you scared of? at the end of the day, if you are not going to ever trust him (and the chances of a full recovery are not in his favour) then why stay in this relationship. trust is one of the foundation building blocks for any relationship. no trust, then your relationship will always be toxic.
next thing to think about is your issue with your DOC...men. what is missing in your life that you think you need them to validate you? what are they giving you that you cant give yourself? what is the source of your addiction?
believe it or not, all you need to do is to work on yourself, and let your bf work on himself, and more will be revealed about what the right answer should be. set some good boundaries for yourself and enjoy the path you have decided to take.
good luck.
next thing to think about is your issue with your DOC...men. what is missing in your life that you think you need them to validate you? what are they giving you that you cant give yourself? what is the source of your addiction?
believe it or not, all you need to do is to work on yourself, and let your bf work on himself, and more will be revealed about what the right answer should be. set some good boundaries for yourself and enjoy the path you have decided to take.
good luck.
"next thing to think about is your issue with your DOC...men. what is missing in your life that you think you need them to validate you? what are they giving you that you cant give yourself? what is the source of your addiction?
believe it or not, all you need to do is to work on yourself, and let your bf work on himself, and more will be revealed about what the right answer should be. set some good boundaries for yourself and enjoy the path you have decided to take."
hmmm Idk why... I guess I watched all of my friends grow up in hs where thier parents had been married for 20 years and got along and didn't break dishes. I always wanted that and looked in all the wrong places. Ridiculous. I know.
believe it or not, all you need to do is to work on yourself, and let your bf work on himself, and more will be revealed about what the right answer should be. set some good boundaries for yourself and enjoy the path you have decided to take."
hmmm Idk why... I guess I watched all of my friends grow up in hs where thier parents had been married for 20 years and got along and didn't break dishes. I always wanted that and looked in all the wrong places. Ridiculous. I know.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
lily every family is not perfect. what looks fine on the outside can pretty horrific on the inside. but i know we all what a perfect family. mine was pretty crap. no addiction, but my mum had no idea how to express love, and my dad was a control freak. i just wanted someone to tell me they loved me and i was worth it. i looked at men for this missing piece in my life. im 41 and im now and only in the past 10 years have been really working on myself. still have a long way to go, but men are not the answer.
lily every family is not perfect. what looks fine on the outside can pretty horrific on the inside. but i know we all what a perfect family. mine was pretty crap. no addiction, but my mum had no idea how to express love, and my dad was a control freak. i just wanted someone to tell me they loved me and i was worth it. i looked at men for this missing piece in my life. im 41 and im now and only in the past 10 years have been really working on myself. still have a long way to go, but men are not the answer.
Lily,
I think that sometimes God wants us to step back for a bit and get out of His way so He can help our loved one. Let go and let God....
You're still very young. You have plenty of time to find the husband God has for you. My advice is not to settle (which I have no idea if that's what you're doing) for someone because you think they might turn out to be the husband you w
are hoping for.
You don't have to stand by him. You're allowed to step back and figure yourself out first. Did you get to read Codependent No More? I think there are other books that might also interest you and they talk about safe people, etc. I haven't read those yet. Another book you might try is called Boundaries. It's written by two Christians. They're awesome.
I think that sometimes God wants us to step back for a bit and get out of His way so He can help our loved one. Let go and let God....
You're still very young. You have plenty of time to find the husband God has for you. My advice is not to settle (which I have no idea if that's what you're doing) for someone because you think they might turn out to be the husband you w
are hoping for.
You don't have to stand by him. You're allowed to step back and figure yourself out first. Did you get to read Codependent No More? I think there are other books that might also interest you and they talk about safe people, etc. I haven't read those yet. Another book you might try is called Boundaries. It's written by two Christians. They're awesome.
Lily,
I think that sometimes God wants us to step back for a bit and get out of His way so He can help our loved one. Let go and let God....
You're still very young. You have plenty of time to find the husband God has for you. My advice is not to settle (which I have no idea if that's what you're doing) for someone because you think they might turn out to be the husband you w
are hoping for.
You don't have to stand by him. You're allowed to step back and figure yourself out first. Did you get to read Codependent No More? I think there are other books that might also interest you and they talk about safe people, etc. I haven't read those yet. Another book you might try is called Boundaries. It's written by two Christians. They're awesome.
I think that sometimes God wants us to step back for a bit and get out of His way so He can help our loved one. Let go and let God....
You're still very young. You have plenty of time to find the husband God has for you. My advice is not to settle (which I have no idea if that's what you're doing) for someone because you think they might turn out to be the husband you w
are hoping for.
You don't have to stand by him. You're allowed to step back and figure yourself out first. Did you get to read Codependent No More? I think there are other books that might also interest you and they talk about safe people, etc. I haven't read those yet. Another book you might try is called Boundaries. It's written by two Christians. They're awesome.
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