mfox

Part of my character is that I am completely non-confrontational. I just don't like to argue or fight. Which may be why I am the textbook codependent/enabler. What I am learning is that this translates into the fact that I allow myself to get walked on, used, and treated like dirt on a regular basis by people who don't deserve the time of day from me - all in the name of "keeping the peace". So, through the course of dealing with my AH, and with this site and all of your support, I am learning that being non-confrontational DOES NOT mean I have to be a doormat. It DOES NOT mean I should allow myself to be treated as anything less than the spectacular person I am (okay - maybe 'spectacular' is a stretch, but you get my point). I am going to start standing up for myself and not allow others to treat me like poop.

Let me know if I was out of line here - I realize I'm just venting mostly. This weekend I took my AH a car load of his belongings (he is still staying with his mom in Oregon). His mom likes me and - up to this point - I thought her husband did, too. They have stayed at our house numerous times for holidays and visits and we always had a nice time. We would all laugh and talk and enjoy the visit. I would go out of my way to make sure they were comfortable and had everything they needed - the 'perfect hostess' - no matter how tired or sick I may have been at the time.

This was my first visit to their home. I do understand that my AH is an undeserved burden right now, but quite honestly, his mom WANTS him there. I booked a hotel room so as not to burden them with my presence and was only at their house for a matter of 3-4 hours total. I was in town from Friday night to Sunday morning and we were to have dinner at their house on Saturday night. I was shocked when my AH's stepdad (John) wouldn't even speak to me. Literally. The most I got out of him for 2-1/2 days were grunts. It didn't matter what I did, how much I tried to help, how much I complimented him on anything he did or how much I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't make eye-contact and his only response was a "hmmph!" - or he would flat out ignore anything I said and walk away. He treated everyone this way. He gave everyone dirty looks and made snide comments to his wife behind EVERYONE'S backs as soon as they left the room. I tried to ignore this. I asked my mother-in-law if he was mad at me or if I had done something wrong and she assured me that "No, that's just how he is."... Okay. Well, that is just flat rude and unnecessary.

As I was leaving I thanked my MIL for everything and hugged AH's niece goodbye. John refused to be in the room. I went to the porch where he was and I VERY POLITELY stated "It's really unfortunate you found it necessary to be such an A**hole during my visit. I apologize for intruding on your life for the 3 hours I spent for dinner. The next time you come to visit, I will be sure to treat you with the same tact, respect and graciousness as you have shown me during my visit."

He wouldn't even look at me.

For what its worth, I hear his behavior has changed since I left (he was treating my AH and his niece the same way for quite a while before my visit).

Was I out of line? Or is this standing up for myself? (I NEVER would have done this a few months ago)

hello-kitty

I'm sure he's not real happy that his drug addict, loser of a son in law has moved in with him, but that's no excuse for being rude.

Still, you say you politely called him an a-hole, but I don't really think that's polite. When I've done things like that - said something snarky to someone who's treated me like garbage in a "polite" tone, it was really me acting out in a passive-agressive way (classic codependent behavior). It has never particularly been a particularly helpful or mature way for me to handle a situation. It echos the behavior of the person I'm in conflict with.

For me, I think a more productive and healthy way to handle that kind of unacceptable behavior would be to set a personal boundary around the kind of treatment I am willing to subject myself to.
I will no longer spend time with people who treat me with disrespect. If someone is rude to me, I will leave the situation immediately.

In short I think I would have dropped my ex's stuff off on the front steps and not engaged him or his family.

dollydo

We all need to handle situations in our own way, the bottom line is that you stood up and voiced your opinion, that is good.

Sometimes people get all wrapped up in their own underwear and are quick to blame others for the problem at hand, he is probably not too happy that old sonny boy is back on the farm.

outtolunch

I probably would have donated his stuff to Good Will.

outtolunch

Just curious why these people would have any reason to visit you at some future date?

mfox

Because they are still MY family. I also still have a close relationship with my ex-mother-in-law (who spends most holidays at my house) and most of her family. I divorced my ex... not my family. I have developed my own relationships with many of them that is independent of the relationship with my ex-husband and AH. My ex-husband has been dead for several years now, so clearly my relationship with his family is not about keeping tabs on the ex. It is because we still enjoy each others company and consider each other family.

Clearly any relationship with John is not worth the effort, but I had a very nice visit with my mother-in-law and my niece (who spends time with us during vacations). For that I am grateful because I truly enjoy their company.

A few months ago I wouldn't have said anything...and would have treated John with as much hospitality as I could muster if he visited even AFTER he had treated me so badly - again, trying to be non-confrontational and keep everyone happy. Regardless of how unhappy he is with the current situation, that is no excuse to treat me the way he did. I could have called him a jerk instead of an a-hole, I could have simply pointed out how rude he was, but I said what I said in the moment. The point was made that I was not going to be treated like that and then pretend it was acceptable. So I confronted him on his behavior and I feel good about that - regardless of how the message came out.

Standing up for myself is not something that comes easy to me. I am a people pleaser. That is part of what go me where I am right now. I was straightforward and spoke directly to him instead of to someone else hoping they would relay the message or that somehow he would magically relaize how horrible he was and make amends.

For the record, I don't ever expect him to visit me again, and i am totally alright with that. In fact, HE is not welcome at my home anymore. My mother-in-law and niece are definitely welcome - but he is not.

As for dropping his stuff at Goodwill, that just isn't who I am. I have been told I should keep it, sell it, burn it, whatever. But I am not that person. I took him his belongings and I HOPE he can put his life back together. I do still love him and want him to be happy, but not at my expense. And not at the expense of my morals and values. Getting rid of his stuff, in my opinion, would be vindictive and I don't want to be that person.

mstrust

mfox...I have to say that whether it was appropriate or not, I absolutely love that you said what you said. I'm also the type of person who has had a very hard time with confrontation in the past and is still working on doing this the "right" way. I've also been told the same things about what to do with the stuff my boyfriend left here and I couldn't follow through with anything that I would feel was a product of my resentment or anger. I would regret it in the end.

kmangel

You could have hid your head in the sand and not said anything.

I have a sister-in-law who has been unfriendly to my parents in the past. My mother would complain to me about her unpleasantness. I was never on the receiving end to her moods until my son's marriage. I spoke up. I expressed my displeasure. Not that it changed a thing. You can't change anyone else. Maybe it made you feel better that you got it off your chest. The best thing is to keep your distance from him if he is going to continue to be rude in the future.

LoveMeNow

I am glad what you did what you thought was best for you. It really doesn't matter what me or anyone else thinks or would have done.

But I have noticed that I have to find some balance in my thinking and behavior. Recovery has been confusing for me at times. I had the "I am woman, hear me roar" attitude and it wasn't healthy. I have had to learn empowerment and power were two very different things.

Ugh, no one said this would be easy....they just said it would be worth it.

allforcnm

Hi MFox,

I think you should be proud of yourself for recognizing that your feelings mattered in that situation, and that you were not being treated respectfully. I think it is good that you spoke out, and if you used words that you now regret a little. Just remember that you were in a pretty high stress situation, and filled with frustration no doubt.

I realized when my husband was in rehab earlier this year, that I was juggling all these balls; trying to take our son over to visit his family, send them pictures, update them on how their grandson was. But then I realized I was doing all the running, I was meeting all their schedules, and inconveniencing myself quite often to do it. I handled it by telling them that I was going to make changes because I was exhausted & couldn’t do all the running. I think it upset my mother in law, but my father in law stepped up. My mother in law is always polite with me, but she has had problems ever since my husband was using, during his rehab, and even now 7 months later. I know parents have their own set of emotions / feelings to deal with, so I try to be understanding of that, and realize part of it isn’t “personal against me” she is just in some kind of funk.

Im sure John is upset about his son; there is a lot of emotion there. I hope he does not think of him as a loser, and show him a lot of negativity. I say that because my husband has definitely been affected by the distance his mother has shown his; right or wrong he perceives it as constant disapproval, rejection and it does affect him emotionally. But it is what it is.

I think you did a very mature, and caring thing by keeping his things and then taking them to him. You are the one that gets to decide what works for you; you know. Some things that would bother other people, don’t even phase another – like the situation with husbands personal items.

I would have done the same as you. I don’t think there is any reason to avoid people, family, even the husband as long as those interactions are not harmful to you.

I definitely think your “spine” is getting stronger. Keep doing what your doing.