I just don't get it
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I think this thread is really unhealthy...
there are a lot of judgments being stated about other people's situations...
how can someone say one relationship is easier than another to let go of??
does having to do with legalese issues instantly make it more difficult than an emotional place someone may be? why does a biological connection make it more difficult than an emotional connection?
I remember hearing this kind of shaming attitude when I went into a weekend retreat for codependency.
if you haven't walked a mile in someone else's shoes then it might be best to just speak from your OWN experience!
I am obviously getting triggered by this post. It feels like the sort of typical BS deflection..."not as bad as" comparison conversations that I see no value in.
Please tell me the value of a post that tries to put value judgments on other peoples paths. One is "harder than" or "easier than". Please tell me how there is value in this? Where is there healing to compare or diminish someone else's process/pain/healing??
there are a lot of judgments being stated about other people's situations...
how can someone say one relationship is easier than another to let go of??
does having to do with legalese issues instantly make it more difficult than an emotional place someone may be? why does a biological connection make it more difficult than an emotional connection?
I remember hearing this kind of shaming attitude when I went into a weekend retreat for codependency.
if you haven't walked a mile in someone else's shoes then it might be best to just speak from your OWN experience!
I am obviously getting triggered by this post. It feels like the sort of typical BS deflection..."not as bad as" comparison conversations that I see no value in.
Please tell me the value of a post that tries to put value judgments on other peoples paths. One is "harder than" or "easier than". Please tell me how there is value in this? Where is there healing to compare or diminish someone else's process/pain/healing??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
@LMN...why would you feel "shamed or blamed"??? Your situation is covered under the "umbrella of understandable situations" because you are married. those who are merely "dating"...are just stupid idiot "girls" that don't/didn't understand they deserve better.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by lesliej 
@LMN...why would you feel "shamed or blamed"??? Your situation is covered under the "umbrella of understandable situations" because you are married. those who are merely "dating"...are just stupid idiot "girls" that don't/didn't understand they deserve better.
Also, I knowingly (on some level) allowed my kids to live with an active addict. I have worked hard to forgive myself for that. I could feel shame for that (and did) but I can not undo the past. I can only get healthy and try to be a more positive role model. I have made many mistakes and I need to continue to forgive myself, learn and grow.
I pray my daughter learned from my mistakes, that she can not fix or save someone else. She only can control herself and her choices. That she needs to have firm boundaries, saying NO is ok, and to love herself more then anything or anyone. I pray I have not passed on an unhealthy legacy and that cycle of codependency to stops with me!!
I am sorry you feel judged. I really don't think anyone is judging you. We are all here for the same reason. Sometimes, I just feel sad for the next generations of codependents but I try not to judge but I admit, I have wished they would just run before they get dragged down the path of self destruction.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
this is actually a very helpful thread... and a good question I've been struggling with
i guess its progress not perfection
i left my husband and took him back a year later when he was in recovery
i kicked him out when he relapsed
he is not in my life but i struggle with emotional attachment
the difference is i see clearly now who he is... im glad i dont have chaos in my home and life and am looking forward to healing...
i filed for legal seperation.... everyone asks why i didnt file for divorce... i dont know... i just couldnt do it. bit i do know that one day i will...
i do know that i can now imagine a life without him.... something that would have been impossible last year and many al anon meetings ago....
i guess its progress not perfection
i left my husband and took him back a year later when he was in recovery
i kicked him out when he relapsed
he is not in my life but i struggle with emotional attachment
the difference is i see clearly now who he is... im glad i dont have chaos in my home and life and am looking forward to healing...
i filed for legal seperation.... everyone asks why i didnt file for divorce... i dont know... i just couldnt do it. bit i do know that one day i will...
i do know that i can now imagine a life without him.... something that would have been impossible last year and many al anon meetings ago....
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
[QUOTE=SundaysChild;3606361]Well said. This should be a banner headline at the top of the forum.
But the answer as to "why" is codependency. Just the way the addict needs drugs, those of us who are codependent need the emptiness in ourselves to be filled by the addict - the chaos distracts us, the "helping" makes us feel that we are good people, the attempts to control them make us feel as if we are somehow in charge of our own lives...the solution is to step back, FEEL the discomfort of the emptiness, and then go about filling it ourselves- without regard to the addict. Much easier said than done.
Loving an addict is hard work - truly loving ourselves is harder.[/QUOTE]
Thank you I think this is so true. I know I had emptiness to be filled and my A was the one to fill it.
But the answer as to "why" is codependency. Just the way the addict needs drugs, those of us who are codependent need the emptiness in ourselves to be filled by the addict - the chaos distracts us, the "helping" makes us feel that we are good people, the attempts to control them make us feel as if we are somehow in charge of our own lives...the solution is to step back, FEEL the discomfort of the emptiness, and then go about filling it ourselves- without regard to the addict. Much easier said than done.
Loving an addict is hard work - truly loving ourselves is harder.[/QUOTE]
Thank you I think this is so true. I know I had emptiness to be filled and my A was the one to fill it.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by whaty
I cannot understand why those of you with a choice continue to stay involved with an addict. I have been dealing with my AS for three miserable years. He is my son and will always be my son and there is nothing I can do about it except encourage him when he is doing well and disengage when he is not. If you are married or have children I can understand it takes time, but if you are just dating someone please don't sign up for this! I look on here and see these mothers who have been posting since 2000 and that is a huge wake up call!!
My widow uncle in his 60's is dating a woman his age. She is a professional, and still working sales in a high demand field. She is a lovely woman and he is crazy about her. BUT, she has an AS in his 40's that has leached off her bank account and her good heart for 25+ years. She has no retirement and still lives from paycheck to paycheck. Her AS recently lost his job which caused him to lose his car and apartment. She let him move back in with her and bought him a $1200 car so he would have a way to find a job. He told her he found a job in the next state over and took off in his new car. The next day she suddenly had a sinking feeling in her gut and checked to find her jewelry and all her late husband's guns GONE.
Soon after my AS started down this road I would wake up at night with anxiety, jumping when the phone rang, etc. I remembered the last time I had these feelings was 30 years ago, in my early 20's, when I was dating an alcoholic. I didn't realize it at first because I had never been exposed to alcoholism. One day it hit me that this was what he was and what he was going to always be and I went to work and put in a transfer to move 1000 miles away from him. It came through in a couple days and I was gone. Yes, I got the "I love you, I will change, I am sorry, My life is nothing without you" phone calls for about six months but I never saw him again nor gave him my time (no cell phones or texts back then). I ran into his brother in an airport 10 years later and according to him he was the same, on a one way road to self destruction. And yes, I loved him. He was very handsome, charming and educated. He was from a wonderful family and I loved them, too. But I loved myself more.
I just don't get why someone with a choice would settle for this.
Whaty
My widow uncle in his 60's is dating a woman his age. She is a professional, and still working sales in a high demand field. She is a lovely woman and he is crazy about her. BUT, she has an AS in his 40's that has leached off her bank account and her good heart for 25+ years. She has no retirement and still lives from paycheck to paycheck. Her AS recently lost his job which caused him to lose his car and apartment. She let him move back in with her and bought him a $1200 car so he would have a way to find a job. He told her he found a job in the next state over and took off in his new car. The next day she suddenly had a sinking feeling in her gut and checked to find her jewelry and all her late husband's guns GONE.
Soon after my AS started down this road I would wake up at night with anxiety, jumping when the phone rang, etc. I remembered the last time I had these feelings was 30 years ago, in my early 20's, when I was dating an alcoholic. I didn't realize it at first because I had never been exposed to alcoholism. One day it hit me that this was what he was and what he was going to always be and I went to work and put in a transfer to move 1000 miles away from him. It came through in a couple days and I was gone. Yes, I got the "I love you, I will change, I am sorry, My life is nothing without you" phone calls for about six months but I never saw him again nor gave him my time (no cell phones or texts back then). I ran into his brother in an airport 10 years later and according to him he was the same, on a one way road to self destruction. And yes, I loved him. He was very handsome, charming and educated. He was from a wonderful family and I loved them, too. But I loved myself more.
I just don't get why someone with a choice would settle for this.
Whaty
Hey whaty, I think this is a little unfair!! I understand completely why children make it really hard to leave - although, in all honesty, it's kind of even MORE important to leave if you have children!! It's still not a good reason or excuse to stay!! Nor is marriage!!
Let's face it, most of us do not want to leave our partner, not unless we have completely fallen out of love. And that takes time!! You don't fall out of love with someone the minute they tell you they have an addiction problem. And some of us don't fall out of love at all, and so it's really hard and painful to leave.
I mean, I agree if you'd just met someone and they told you they had an addiction, or if you already knew - well, then you have a great chance to get away unscathed. But for most of us it isn't like that! In my case my partner developed an addiction after some heartbreaking losses in our life.
No, we weren't married, we didn't have children. But we did love each other. And no, it was not easy to leave!!!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Neither my self or my husband had ever been around drug or alcohol abuse. Neither of us had a dysfunctional childhood.
When he got hooked on pain meds after a sports injury; it took me a while to figure out what was going on with his behavior. I had no background, so I never thought about addiction.
To be honest, of course I did not want him using drugs; but his behavior was what got my attention. He was highly functional; maintained a good job, paid bills, always had money, never stole anything from our home, wasn’t mean to me. But what began to hurt was that he was always wanting to be out with his friends from work; the ones he used drugs with. He was acting single, and we were married. It was not what I wanted, and I kept telling him if he wanted to live that way, then he needed to go live it, and come home when he wanted to grow up. So that is exactly what he did.
From what I read here; this means that I was not suffering from codependency; that I did not have low self esteem. Yay for me. LOL
When my husband wanted to get clean, he came home. I still loved him. I opened my arms to him, and supported his recovery. When I first posted here it was right after he came home. I was called codependent a plenty…. I guess because I took him back people felt I had low self esteem?
No, I took him back because despite his use of substances he was a good man. I knew his heart, his mind, his soul, and I loved him. And I decided that I was strong enough to gamble on his recovery for the chance we could rebuild a new life together.
Its been almost six months, lots of work for both of us; but we are happy and stronger than ever. I do not know what the future holds, but Im still willing to gamble on it. I have my weak spots, but one thing I have come to realize is that I can make it all on my own if it comes to that down the road. And with that knowledge, I can relax again and enjoy the relationship that we have together.
I find it very presumptuous to assume everyone involved with an addict is sick with codependency. That everyone has had some sort of damage inside that makes them feel they are unworthy of more & so they settle for a person who uses substances and mistreats them.
I feel that here on this forum, we usually only see a small snapshot of a life. Generally there is more……
When he got hooked on pain meds after a sports injury; it took me a while to figure out what was going on with his behavior. I had no background, so I never thought about addiction.
To be honest, of course I did not want him using drugs; but his behavior was what got my attention. He was highly functional; maintained a good job, paid bills, always had money, never stole anything from our home, wasn’t mean to me. But what began to hurt was that he was always wanting to be out with his friends from work; the ones he used drugs with. He was acting single, and we were married. It was not what I wanted, and I kept telling him if he wanted to live that way, then he needed to go live it, and come home when he wanted to grow up. So that is exactly what he did.
From what I read here; this means that I was not suffering from codependency; that I did not have low self esteem. Yay for me. LOL
When my husband wanted to get clean, he came home. I still loved him. I opened my arms to him, and supported his recovery. When I first posted here it was right after he came home. I was called codependent a plenty…. I guess because I took him back people felt I had low self esteem?
No, I took him back because despite his use of substances he was a good man. I knew his heart, his mind, his soul, and I loved him. And I decided that I was strong enough to gamble on his recovery for the chance we could rebuild a new life together.
Its been almost six months, lots of work for both of us; but we are happy and stronger than ever. I do not know what the future holds, but Im still willing to gamble on it. I have my weak spots, but one thing I have come to realize is that I can make it all on my own if it comes to that down the road. And with that knowledge, I can relax again and enjoy the relationship that we have together.
I find it very presumptuous to assume everyone involved with an addict is sick with codependency. That everyone has had some sort of damage inside that makes them feel they are unworthy of more & so they settle for a person who uses substances and mistreats them.
I feel that here on this forum, we usually only see a small snapshot of a life. Generally there is more……
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The question posed here reminds me of the question that is often posed to an addict. "Why don't you just quit?"
Why? Because it's not that simple. If it was, none of us would be here.
gentle hugs
ke
Why? Because it's not that simple. If it was, none of us would be here.
gentle hugs
ke
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