peaceandgrace

Well. Wow. I broke my vow to not bail out my 27 yo AS.

To make a long story short, he took out a car title loan in August. Of course, the car was taken away last Wednesday night.

He was due to be evicted from his apartment tonight.

In the midst of his financial mess brought about by choosing weed (and who knows what else) over work, he found a job a month ago.

He texted me Sat wanting 400 for back rent. This was his first cry for help in this situation.

So that he could keep his job and some semblance of hope, I asked for photos of his past 4 pay stubs. He produced these.

I paid his back rent. I paid to get his car out of the impound lot.

I am done. Finished. Never again. He was one inch away from crashing through the burning floor of salvation HE lit on fire by his own actions.

He is not grateful. This I know. But, for me, I now know that he has everything he needs to make it.

His bottom could have come faster had I let him crash. But, for me, I think I need this "yes, he has what it takes..a bed/a car/a job." to let the final slim threads that tie me to him dissolve.

I have been at peace with his addiction for over a year. But, I am stunned at how quickly and easily one can enable.

I let this one get in the way of my job this morning. I took a mental health day, breaking down in front of two of my colleagues (who totally understood) and went home to soothe myself.

It is pure sickness dealing with an addict.

Wow. Just wow. I am going to take a hot bath, eat a hot fudge Sundae, and pull myself together.

Surely I am not the only Mama out here who has caved when she vowed to STAND FIRM?

with compassion,

Peaceandgrace

Faithlove

I can't imagine how hard it is to tell your child, "no." At least you're recognizing that you're enabling him. I imagine recovering Codies have relapses every once in a while.

Glad you're making the best of the rest of your day off.

cangel2

Not to let you off the hook since you feel like you might be enabling....but....seems you needed to see tangible proof that he was working and being responsible so he could continue rent payments and the car upkeep. Maybe you feel now that that isn't enough for you to offer help and support - so spend some time figuring out what you would need for the next time. Or.....set up a payment plan so he pays you back perhaps?

Fine line between helping and enabling. Good that you are on to the fact that if your actions are making you feel bad then something is up and worth examining for yourself.


And....Happy mental health day! Those are the best day's off from work!

Impurrfect

I'm not a mom (unless you count my cats as kids) but I've done my share of not upholding my boundaries with loved ones.

You did what you felt you needed to do. It's not up to me to say you were right or wrong, but I sure hope you enjoy the mental health day and your hot fudge sundae

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

'I am done. Finished. Never again."

Never say never, especially when it comes to a mother and her addicted child.

Enjoy the rest of your day and I sincerely hope that everything works out as you would like it to!

hello-kitty

It takes what it takes! How sad he's not grateful. That's the rub, isn't it. It's just never enough for some people.

When I was dealing with my addict (ex not child) I had to learn to be kind to myself. I screwed up and didn't enforce my boundaries so many times - and I would beat myself up over it. I think that learning to be gentle on myself for my mistakes helped me get to a point where I was eventually able to stand up for myself and enforce my boundaries. I had to give myself a little grace and remember that I didn't have to be perfect. I just had to do my best.

So anyway, don't be too hard on yourself. Boundaries are for you not him. And it takes lots of practice to learn how to enforce them. He's just doing what addicts do. His ungratefulness isn't personal. Even though it may feel like it. Knowing how addicts operate, I'm sure you'll have another opportunity to practice enforcing your personal boundaries soon.

peaceandgrace

Hello-Kitty,

I love your comment: Knowing how addicts operate, I'm sure you'll have another opportunity to practice enforcing your personal boundaries soon.

The next time I have the opportunity to practice, I feel like I'll be in much better shape.

After all, practice makes perfect

SeekingGrowth

"Surely I am not the only Mama out here who has caved when she vowed to STAND FIRM?"

Are you kidding? I am fairly certain that EVERY mama on this board has caved more than once despite a vow to stand firm. I have never faced anything more difficult in my life than having to withdraw support that I could have easily given to let my AS suffer the consequences of his addiction. Sometimes I accomplished it; more often I did not. And as Cangel2 said, there is a fine line between helping and enabling.

I read something that resonated with me in another post tonight: "The guiding principle of 'support but not enable' is a difficult one to put into practice as there are an infinite number of shades of gray." That's for sure.

Kindeyes

Nope you're not the only one. When we know better, we do better. They are pretty good at putting the moves on us. When the thought of caving in enters my mind, I think "is it good for me". If I'm getting any kind of a weird warm fuzzy, I need to examine my motivations. Am I doing it just trying to make my discomfort stop? Do I expect something in return (like gratitude)? Is it taking away a learning opportunity for my son? Am I feeling fear, obligation or guilt (those are bad feelings to base any decent decision on)? Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT)?

Don't beat yourself up......

gentle hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Peace and Grace, right there with you. Even now with JJ in jail, there is so many temptations to make this all better for him. I am helping with food and phone money but to a small extent. I think asking to see the pay stubs from the job is absolutely fine, if he were to apply for a loan, they would do the same thing! One thing you might try... write your son a letter with your boundaries and decision to remove your financial help from the equation. He may or may not believe you, but at least you have provided those boundaries for him to choose to test or respect.
Have a peaceful day!
Teresa

Freedom1990

You can count this mama in on caving more than once.

As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic myself, I guarantee I have no problem putting firm boundaries in place and honoring those boundaries with a non-family addict, including ladies I have sponsored over the years.

However, with my own adult child, it has been a tremendous struggle at times.

This last time I took her in, she crossed a line that couldn't be uncrossed, and burned her last bridge with me.

19 years of her being an active addict and me learning lesson after painful lesson.

I'm so done you could stick a fork in me!

JMFburns

The car may be out of the impound lot, but is he going to be able to pay back the title loan and make rent?

Count me in the club of mothers who have helped for (what I swore would be) one last time.

I ask about the car title loan, because I lost one of my cars by taking out a title loan that my son swore he'd pay back. Lo and behold, when the first loan payment came due he did not have the money and I said "screw it" I'd rather 'hurt' myself by having no car, no way of driving to help him, nothing left to barter with, and swiftly dropped off the car at the title loan place and got a ride home with my sister. (And believe me, the story isn't as simple as that but for the sake of space and simplicity I've only related the highlights! You all have addicts in your life, you know the "tall tales.")

Good luck to you.

peaceandgrace

I thank all of y'all for making me feel not so, well........ used! Of course, I was played like a violin. I do know that, and I made my choices. These addicts can play us oh so well.

Oh, it's worse than getting the car out of the impound lot. I PAID off the title loan. It isn't the money, though. It wasn't that much, but he could not have done it and worked. Well, you know, maybe he could have. Bummed rides, missed days (and had to answer to a supervisor.)

Yep, I could have played this much differently. But, I didn't.

Here is the emotional toll this took on me (I am sure all can relate who have caved, but if someone is just starting this journey with an addicted child, maybe I can share something of value.):

1. He texted Saturday. My stomach was a mess after I called him back and talked with him. My nerves were shot and I was all wound up all night.
2. My focus on church Sunday wasn't as clear as I want. I LOVE our church worship. It fills me to the brim. Of course, his sleazy antics clouded it (well, I mean I guess I let it!)
3. Before my first class Monday (I teach), he called (WHY did I EVEN answer?) and raged about why his estranged wife was at his door. "I texted you she volunteered to help get the car as you had no way to get there! Give her the keys!" RAGE RAGE. I hung up. But, I was traumatized again by his rage.
4. I just lost it and asked a friend to cover and arranged to go home.
5. I was soul sick and physically numb all day. Today I am clearing up some.

So, given all of my stress, will I do this again? Never say never. But, I did text him (I doubt he checks his mail and his computer is "down": probably sold) saying this was my final offer of help.

Oh, the lessons we learn. No gratitude at all. The tipping point was a text "thanks for nothing." when he learned his estranged wife came to help. How cruel and thoughtless given he was handed salvation on a silver platter. Rent paid up. Car back.

If anyone new is reading this, please know that all of the stories from the wise ones here are TRUE. SO TRUE.

with compassion,

Peaceandgrace

suki44883

Regardless of what we may say we think you "should" do, the fact remains that you have to do whatever you can live with. If you needed to feel like you put him on even ground with his apartment and car, then that's what you had to do. If that's what it took for you to be able to feel like you had done all you could, then that's just what had to happen.

At the end of the day we all have to live with ourselves.

peaceandgrace

suki44883, thank you. Your words are kind and understanding. It is what I felt I had to do. But, wow. The toll is so high!

with compassion,

Peaceandgrace

seventytimes7

This is profound. This helps me alot tonight. Thank you suki44883

LoveMeNow

Dear Peaceandgreace,

I am so sorry you paid such a high price for a genuine act of love. You did what your heart thought you should do. He is doing what an addict does. So very sad and hard to understand!

peaceandgrace

A genuine act of love. Yes. The help was so genuine and so heartfelt. I honestly told my AS that it was given out of grace and compassion.

Thank you for understanding. I really need this tonight.

lightseeker

ahhh.....it's just SOOOOOOO hard. We're going to make choices sometimes that don't turn out the way that we want them to turn out - but we learn along the way.

You didn't do anything I wouldn't do....or any number of us. So, what do we do? Take a mental health day, post here, get to a meeting, and learn.

It's tough to know how they "really" are when we want to believe (so terribly) that now they "get" it and it's going to be different.

Lots of hugs and love...

sojourner

LOL!! Caving is so easy and it happens so fast! Been there, done that. And while I know the saying, "When I knew better, I did better," - in my case sometimes even though I knew better, I said "to he]] with it" and did the same old enabling thing!

At some point, I realized that my AS, now age 27, is able to avoid crises, and they are few and far between. I realized I was interfering with my son's HP who was using pain and crisis to speak to my son. I realized that because my son's mind is so fogged up from drug/alcohol use that it is only pain, and lots of it, that gets through to my son. I realized that just because I bottomed out on my son's problems does not mean that he had bottomed out on his problems. I learned from my mistakes.

Keep coming back!! We are the Fellowship of the Mama Posse that understands you and yet does not pity you or judge you! God is good!