My Boyfriend Is An Opiate Addict
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canal Winchester
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My Boyfriend Is An Opiate Addict
I've been reading some stories here that are so similar to my own, so I decided to share it. When I was 13 years old, I met my now boyfriend. We pretty much grew up together, and I've always known about his drug use. It started out with pot, thanks to his father who grows it, and his older brother. Then up to pain killers he and his brother used to steal from his mother, who is also an addict. By the time we were seniors, he was a full fledged addict, mainly using pills and heroin. I can't tell you why, but even though I knew all of this about him, I always had an attraction to him. I guess I'm stupid for that. Anyway, a year after graduating he came into my job and we exchanged numbers and eventually got together. He had been to rehab and was sober for nearly 2 years. I couldn't have been happier.
Thinking back, there was one incident before I knew of him relapsing where I know he was high. I don't recall if it was from heroin or pills though. Opiates tend to have the same affect him in any form. In July of last year he was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, the police requested a drug test, which he tested positive for pot. The case ended up going to court, even though the pot level wasn't substantial enough for him to have been under the influence at the time. He had minor injuries to his neck and leg, which resulted in him receiving a prescription to Vicodin, which ultimately led to his relapse. Since he admitted it to me from the beginning, he had no problem completely pushing me away. I remember being so miserable, physically and mentally ill. It lasted for about 6 months until the final court date in December, when he got sentenced to 30 days in jail.
Now, I want to go into detail a little more about his relapse. Of course it started with the pills, but before I knew it, he was back to smoking heroin again. There was a couple months where I barely heard from him at all. But my stupidity and addiction to him made it so that he would sit in his car and smoke it right off the foil while I was sitting next to him. I've seen it all. Around Thanksgiving, he told me that he thought the worst was over, and that he didn't want to use heroin anymore. I stupidly believed him. As the month went on, I noticed his behavior hadn't changed so much. He blamed that, as well as his usage on anxiety and fear for his upcoming court dates, but he was ultimately clean. But after being around him and knowing this difference in his personalities, I knew deep down that he wasn't. Sure enough, just days before his last court appearance and sentencing he slipped up and I heard him shouting at his dad downstairs. He wanted some of his parents pills, to get him through the withdraw. When I finally confronted him, he admitted it, but of course that was only because I heard them talking about it.
When he went to jail I was honestly the happiest I'd been in those 6 months. Just knowing at night that he was safe and sober. He wrote me all the time, sometimes even a phone call. He would tell me things would be different. In January when he got released, I'd say things went well for about a week or 2. That's when I started noticing his guitars and game systems missing. Even found a pawn ticket in his wallet. When I asked him, he just said he took them to his grandmas. I didn't feel like snooping through his things to find stuff out gave me reasonable ground to confront him. That and I hadn't been around him while he was under the influence. We live about 45 minutes apart, and I can't drive, so it's hard to just catch him in the act. He wasn't actually high around me until about June or July. I knew he was, but I didn't ask or bring it up because I knew he would just get upset and deny it. After that, the times he would use were far and inbetween. We talk on the phone every day on our work breaks and stuff, and I can tell even through his voice when if he's sober. It's strange. Like he would only be high every once in a while. But he would never treat me any different.
Now it's been almost a year since his relapse, and things are yet again spiraling. A couple months ago, I started noticing large sores on the tops of his feet. I know that people can shoot up through the veins in their feet, but at the same time, when it heals, it almost looks like a rash. When the open sores heal up, the skin is still very red and he says itchy, so he scratches hard enough, and it eventually breaks again. I've looked up pictures of track marks, and these look almost too big to be it. I'd say the scabs he has are about a half inch long, at least. They're pretty big. But of course I've never seen track marks knowingly, so I could be wrong. He started talking to his older brother again for the first time since we've been together, and he picked the heroin back up again. I tried to deny it, but last night when I found the balled up foil with the burnt residue in his bathroom trash can.
Yet again, I'm faced with the same dilemma; If I tell him I know, it'll bring us back to where we were. Ignoring me, the sickness from the worries, and the anger and arguments. Or do I not say anything, and just let him dig himself in deeper, pretending I know nothing. I know its sad, but honestly I'd rather just keep living the lie. As of right now, he thinks I'm still under the impression that hes sober. So he has to keep up appearances and treat me as if nothing is wrong so that I don't suspect anything out of the ordinary. And what would be the point of bringing it up when it would be denial, followed by the arguments and distance, when I could just keep it to myself and let it come out on it's own.
I thought about speaking to his parents again, but chances are they won't take it seriously and do anything about it. Especially since he no longer gets his checks directly deposited. It doesn't help that his mom is an addict. And honestly, they spend more time with him than I do, so the way I see it, if I have picked up on it even before the solid proof, then they probably have too. In my worst anxiety attacks I've even thought to call in an anonymous drug tip on his brother to stop the heroin use. He trades his brother pot for heroin. But one, it would probably get him involved, and two if he really wants the drugs, he'll find other means of getting to it. And it's not like jail time did him any good in the first place.
I realize that I am young, and I do not have to, nor do I deserve to be treated this way. I also know that though the addict himself may love me, he will always love the drugs more as long as they play a role in his life. I guess the way I look at it, I knew he was using before I dated him, and I did it anyway. If I want to be with him, I have to accept good and bad. I can't force him to change. I attended some Al Anon meeting also. They taught me that the addict only lies to protect the ones they love. Even though we see it for what it is, in their minds they mean what they say, and they don't have intentions to hurt the ones they love, so they either push them away, or lie to them. They have also taught me not to hate or be angry at the addict, but to direct towards the disease itself.
I know that this probably sounds like a lot of random babbling. It was just so hard to construct all of this into a sensible, easy flowing manner. I'm guess I'm stuck between the two options. Do I say something? Do I let him dig until there's no escape, until he opens his eyes? And it may sound silly coming from someone who is so young, but although I know it would be in my be interest to leave while I still can, I just can't bring myself to do so. I would never do something as foolish as to bring another life into this world with him, at least not under the current circumstances. But I do know that I love him, I have for many years. I've watched both of my mothers marriages fail, and I believe that if you truly love someone, you stand beside them, and support them in anything they do. And if you do reach a point where you feel you can no longer continue on, you let go but carry no regret. Just consider it a learning experience never to repeat again.
Thinking back, there was one incident before I knew of him relapsing where I know he was high. I don't recall if it was from heroin or pills though. Opiates tend to have the same affect him in any form. In July of last year he was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, the police requested a drug test, which he tested positive for pot. The case ended up going to court, even though the pot level wasn't substantial enough for him to have been under the influence at the time. He had minor injuries to his neck and leg, which resulted in him receiving a prescription to Vicodin, which ultimately led to his relapse. Since he admitted it to me from the beginning, he had no problem completely pushing me away. I remember being so miserable, physically and mentally ill. It lasted for about 6 months until the final court date in December, when he got sentenced to 30 days in jail.
Now, I want to go into detail a little more about his relapse. Of course it started with the pills, but before I knew it, he was back to smoking heroin again. There was a couple months where I barely heard from him at all. But my stupidity and addiction to him made it so that he would sit in his car and smoke it right off the foil while I was sitting next to him. I've seen it all. Around Thanksgiving, he told me that he thought the worst was over, and that he didn't want to use heroin anymore. I stupidly believed him. As the month went on, I noticed his behavior hadn't changed so much. He blamed that, as well as his usage on anxiety and fear for his upcoming court dates, but he was ultimately clean. But after being around him and knowing this difference in his personalities, I knew deep down that he wasn't. Sure enough, just days before his last court appearance and sentencing he slipped up and I heard him shouting at his dad downstairs. He wanted some of his parents pills, to get him through the withdraw. When I finally confronted him, he admitted it, but of course that was only because I heard them talking about it.
When he went to jail I was honestly the happiest I'd been in those 6 months. Just knowing at night that he was safe and sober. He wrote me all the time, sometimes even a phone call. He would tell me things would be different. In January when he got released, I'd say things went well for about a week or 2. That's when I started noticing his guitars and game systems missing. Even found a pawn ticket in his wallet. When I asked him, he just said he took them to his grandmas. I didn't feel like snooping through his things to find stuff out gave me reasonable ground to confront him. That and I hadn't been around him while he was under the influence. We live about 45 minutes apart, and I can't drive, so it's hard to just catch him in the act. He wasn't actually high around me until about June or July. I knew he was, but I didn't ask or bring it up because I knew he would just get upset and deny it. After that, the times he would use were far and inbetween. We talk on the phone every day on our work breaks and stuff, and I can tell even through his voice when if he's sober. It's strange. Like he would only be high every once in a while. But he would never treat me any different.
Now it's been almost a year since his relapse, and things are yet again spiraling. A couple months ago, I started noticing large sores on the tops of his feet. I know that people can shoot up through the veins in their feet, but at the same time, when it heals, it almost looks like a rash. When the open sores heal up, the skin is still very red and he says itchy, so he scratches hard enough, and it eventually breaks again. I've looked up pictures of track marks, and these look almost too big to be it. I'd say the scabs he has are about a half inch long, at least. They're pretty big. But of course I've never seen track marks knowingly, so I could be wrong. He started talking to his older brother again for the first time since we've been together, and he picked the heroin back up again. I tried to deny it, but last night when I found the balled up foil with the burnt residue in his bathroom trash can.
Yet again, I'm faced with the same dilemma; If I tell him I know, it'll bring us back to where we were. Ignoring me, the sickness from the worries, and the anger and arguments. Or do I not say anything, and just let him dig himself in deeper, pretending I know nothing. I know its sad, but honestly I'd rather just keep living the lie. As of right now, he thinks I'm still under the impression that hes sober. So he has to keep up appearances and treat me as if nothing is wrong so that I don't suspect anything out of the ordinary. And what would be the point of bringing it up when it would be denial, followed by the arguments and distance, when I could just keep it to myself and let it come out on it's own.
I thought about speaking to his parents again, but chances are they won't take it seriously and do anything about it. Especially since he no longer gets his checks directly deposited. It doesn't help that his mom is an addict. And honestly, they spend more time with him than I do, so the way I see it, if I have picked up on it even before the solid proof, then they probably have too. In my worst anxiety attacks I've even thought to call in an anonymous drug tip on his brother to stop the heroin use. He trades his brother pot for heroin. But one, it would probably get him involved, and two if he really wants the drugs, he'll find other means of getting to it. And it's not like jail time did him any good in the first place.
I realize that I am young, and I do not have to, nor do I deserve to be treated this way. I also know that though the addict himself may love me, he will always love the drugs more as long as they play a role in his life. I guess the way I look at it, I knew he was using before I dated him, and I did it anyway. If I want to be with him, I have to accept good and bad. I can't force him to change. I attended some Al Anon meeting also. They taught me that the addict only lies to protect the ones they love. Even though we see it for what it is, in their minds they mean what they say, and they don't have intentions to hurt the ones they love, so they either push them away, or lie to them. They have also taught me not to hate or be angry at the addict, but to direct towards the disease itself.
I know that this probably sounds like a lot of random babbling. It was just so hard to construct all of this into a sensible, easy flowing manner. I'm guess I'm stuck between the two options. Do I say something? Do I let him dig until there's no escape, until he opens his eyes? And it may sound silly coming from someone who is so young, but although I know it would be in my be interest to leave while I still can, I just can't bring myself to do so. I would never do something as foolish as to bring another life into this world with him, at least not under the current circumstances. But I do know that I love him, I have for many years. I've watched both of my mothers marriages fail, and I believe that if you truly love someone, you stand beside them, and support them in anything they do. And if you do reach a point where you feel you can no longer continue on, you let go but carry no regret. Just consider it a learning experience never to repeat again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
My ex who abused prescription meds & opiates always had those itchy red marks on his feet. Those drugs make many people very itchy.
If I could do it all over....I would run away as fast as I could. I was drawn into a world that many do not escape. I did. He didn't. He is dead. His addiction won.
If I could do it all over....I would run away as fast as I could. I was drawn into a world that many do not escape. I did. He didn't. He is dead. His addiction won.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
You have more than two options.
You could continue to pretend like everything is fine. How is/ would this affect your health? Are you happy and healthy? Or are you driving yourself crazy with anxiety?
You could confront him but you apparently already know that this does nothing for you, or him. If you're just going to stay in a relationship with him anyway, why confront him? It's cyclic. Confrontation, anger, forgiveness and making up, everything is fine, he gradually starts using again, secrets, you finally find out, more feelings of anger, confusion, etc.
He's an adult. Let him make his own choices. If he wants to use, it's his life.
If you want to be involved with an addict, it's your choice. But, he's already given you a taste of what life will be like with him. Believe him.
You have your whole entire healthy life ahead of you. You don't owe him your life as a sacrifice just because you love him. You can't save him. He has to do that on his own.
Get out of the FOG
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
I hope that you'll make good choices now so that you're not miserable 3, 5, or 10 years down the road.
You could continue to pretend like everything is fine. How is/ would this affect your health? Are you happy and healthy? Or are you driving yourself crazy with anxiety?
You could confront him but you apparently already know that this does nothing for you, or him. If you're just going to stay in a relationship with him anyway, why confront him? It's cyclic. Confrontation, anger, forgiveness and making up, everything is fine, he gradually starts using again, secrets, you finally find out, more feelings of anger, confusion, etc.
He's an adult. Let him make his own choices. If he wants to use, it's his life.
If you want to be involved with an addict, it's your choice. But, he's already given you a taste of what life will be like with him. Believe him.
You have your whole entire healthy life ahead of you. You don't owe him your life as a sacrifice just because you love him. You can't save him. He has to do that on his own.
Get out of the FOG
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
I hope that you'll make good choices now so that you're not miserable 3, 5, or 10 years down the road.
Last edited by Faithlove; 09-25-2012 at 04:36 AM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Wow! There's a tremendous amount of "overlooking" going on here.....and for what? Is this the life you really want to live? It is a nightmare...it gets worse and you are guaranteed to go down with him in one way or another if you stick around. What bothers me is that you know the truth...you already know, yet you are willing to "pretend" you believe this ridiculous lie? Why do you thik so little of yourself? Don't you want a happy, fulfilled life? You will NEVER, EVER have it with an active addict (and it's questionable whether or not its possible with an inactive addict-- ask me how I know???) Save YOURSELF and get out while you can!
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