Wife with 2 children needing some advice
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
I assume since I am still opening my eyes to this my first reaction is great he's getting it, and maybe that's where I'm still blind, as I know in my heart he hasn't done anything the last few weeks that he said he would in that aspect, and that this is just another "running away from the issue" part. I had to call him to find out if he was even still planning on coming to get his stuff as it was getting late, he said he was coming but it seemed like he was avoiding the kids and didn't want to talk, just asked that I left his stuff on the porch to pick up. This still feels so hurtful as I guess I'm still trying to understand all of this. I wrote him a letter earlier in the day when my head was a little straighter as I was not as emotional at the time, I hope the things I said were not over the top or to soft, but at that point of strength was able to say the things I really ment that I can't seem to say in person to him. Guess it will be his choice to read it or not. I still find myself looking out the window when a car drives by the see if it's him and picking up the phone all the time to see if he's called...UGH....but now that he's out I hope over the next few days things will calm down enough for me to pull myself back together a little bit and focus on what I know in my head needs to be fixed within my home. It's Friday so I am thankful there is a meeting tonight to go to for more support.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I don't know what his reasons are for leaving and they are not important. I see this as Divine intervention, a true gift from God. I pray you embrace it. It may not be what you wanted, but it certainly something you and your kids needed! Now is the time for you to get healthy and stop the chaos in your mind and in your life!
You can do this. You and your children deserve it! God Bless!
You can do this. You and your children deserve it! God Bless!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
We want so much for what is happening in our marriage and our home not to be happening, when we are losing a spouse to addiction. But we are helpless to control the addict's thinking, behavior, and feelings which are all now operating on one principle and one principle only: get as high as possible as often as possible and move anyone or anything out of the way which wants to to stop it.
He is a different man now, lostinchaos, and your heart and mind are going to have the hardest time accepting that. You are going to reach out to him with pleading or begging for him to love all of you enough to get clean and stay home and be a good husband and father. But he is a different man now, his brain has changed physically, it is firing in a whole new way because of addiction, and this has made him very sick, very selfish, very unstable, and very committed to the drug life. He is no longer very committed to you. You are an annoyance. He is moving out not because he wants the highest good for you and your children, not because he is doing the noble thing by taking himself and his drugs out of the house. He is moving out to get space. He wants as much space and as much freedom as possible for drugging.
A drug addict is always in one of two states: Craving or High. There is no in-between. He is never normal. Your husband's boss has witnessed the change and I can tell you, the boss is usually the last domino to fall. When drugs affect an addict's job, and when an addict is willing to lose a job for drugs, the addiction is set very very very deep. Because most addicts will lose everything but the job. They'll clean up long enough to put in hours on the job. The job is what buys the drugs. When the addict is willing to walk away from a job, then he is lost so deep in addiction there is no possibility other than a major catastrophic occurrence that will intervene in his using. Usually for an addict like your husband it will be a criminal assault or burglary and then prison. Because drug addicts will do whatever it takes.
So you need now to start taking action to protect your family. You need to see an attorney immediately. You need to change the locks on the doors, as advised before. You need to remove all your jewelry to another location. You need to alert your children's school office that your husband is not to take them out of school for any reason without them first locating you and getting your consent. (Which you will not give).
Right now a member of your family is as great a danger to you and your children as any desperate crackhead on a street corner in Seattle. What would you do if you were alone at night on that street corner? Do it now.
I'm sorry for your pain and crisis. But your children are the greatest concern for all of us here. And we want you to do what you need to do for them.
He is a different man now, lostinchaos, and your heart and mind are going to have the hardest time accepting that. You are going to reach out to him with pleading or begging for him to love all of you enough to get clean and stay home and be a good husband and father. But he is a different man now, his brain has changed physically, it is firing in a whole new way because of addiction, and this has made him very sick, very selfish, very unstable, and very committed to the drug life. He is no longer very committed to you. You are an annoyance. He is moving out not because he wants the highest good for you and your children, not because he is doing the noble thing by taking himself and his drugs out of the house. He is moving out to get space. He wants as much space and as much freedom as possible for drugging.
A drug addict is always in one of two states: Craving or High. There is no in-between. He is never normal. Your husband's boss has witnessed the change and I can tell you, the boss is usually the last domino to fall. When drugs affect an addict's job, and when an addict is willing to lose a job for drugs, the addiction is set very very very deep. Because most addicts will lose everything but the job. They'll clean up long enough to put in hours on the job. The job is what buys the drugs. When the addict is willing to walk away from a job, then he is lost so deep in addiction there is no possibility other than a major catastrophic occurrence that will intervene in his using. Usually for an addict like your husband it will be a criminal assault or burglary and then prison. Because drug addicts will do whatever it takes.
So you need now to start taking action to protect your family. You need to see an attorney immediately. You need to change the locks on the doors, as advised before. You need to remove all your jewelry to another location. You need to alert your children's school office that your husband is not to take them out of school for any reason without them first locating you and getting your consent. (Which you will not give).
Right now a member of your family is as great a danger to you and your children as any desperate crackhead on a street corner in Seattle. What would you do if you were alone at night on that street corner? Do it now.
I'm sorry for your pain and crisis. But your children are the greatest concern for all of us here. And we want you to do what you need to do for them.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
I hate to say it but him leaving on his own may have saved you from having to pry him out of the house later. Most adicts are pretty selfish in the midst of active addiction. I may be wrong but the onky reaon i have seen that one would give up the comort of being at home, is because the people there interfere with high time. My sister is a 20 year meth head and she has zero regard for any of us. She has gone so far down now that she has no concern for anyone, and any oncern that she shows is usually a manipulative ploy to work the conversation to her favor so she can get whatever she wants. Really the addict can not see very far beyond the next high.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 45
Please change your locks, move all your bank accounts ect to new ones that he doesn't have access too and file for custody.
I know you are hurting and I know this isn't easy, but I promise if you can keep him away or at least limit his contact it will get better. It's been almost a year since my xah left me and the kids and our lives have improved drastically. I'm actually happy and I can relax. A lot of issues my son struggled with are gone. Life is simply better now. It's amazing how much happier and relaxed life can be without the chaos and the fear and the worry. Of course my life is by no means perfect, but it is so much better. Good luck with your new path.
I know you are hurting and I know this isn't easy, but I promise if you can keep him away or at least limit his contact it will get better. It's been almost a year since my xah left me and the kids and our lives have improved drastically. I'm actually happy and I can relax. A lot of issues my son struggled with are gone. Life is simply better now. It's amazing how much happier and relaxed life can be without the chaos and the fear and the worry. Of course my life is by no means perfect, but it is so much better. Good luck with your new path.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 13
Well a peacefule quite weekend (thank you lord) but not without all the calls and stop in from mutual friends trying to figure out what is going on. I feel compelled to let it out and tell them, yet fearful of the consequence of doing that so I have refrained. I didn't hear from him for several days then (as the usual pattern played again) I heard from him lastnight. The converstation started out sombersom and then quickly changed when I was honest of telling his family, based on the need to know for help and support idea. Now he is quickly withdrawing the facts that he told me and things that I know and changing the story up....I'm lost as to how to deal with these phone calls when they come. I am trying to keep my distance for myself and the kids until this plays out....4 days doesn't seem like enough to change the last few years.....still lost as I want to believe some of the things he says but I'm told it's all part of the "play" ????
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