mstrust

i have enough material now to start my own greeting card company.

BeavsDad

Why would you purposely torture yourself like this?

Please consider blocking his #s and email for your mental health.

mstrust

mostly because i'm stupid.

FindingErica

Your not stupid, you have just spent too much time feeling obligated to listen to his garbage. I've been there. Have novel long texts full of bitterness, poor me, take me back I've changed, I love you, you've stabbed me in the back stuff from my AH. All manipulation. They put us in a FOG. Very best thing that happened to me was when he shut off my cell and couldn't text me anymore. My anxiety decreased and I could sort things clearly. His excessiveness on this issue indicated to me his guilt and attempt to force you to back off.

Impurrfect

Sweetie, you aren't stupid. I know that now, when I look back on the relationships with my XABF's (I had 3..slow learner), I think "OMG, how could you have been so STUPID" but I wasn't. I didn't know any different.

It took time, experiences, and finally finding SR until I could see things in a different light. I'm an RA though stealing was something I didn't do. However, XABF#3 was GREAT at it and what I'm reading in the texts your getting? It sounds just like my ex.

He once had his mom 3-way call me to bail him out of jail. I refused. He said "oh...I'm just an A, just toss me to the curb". I calmly told him "um, I'm an A, too, but I chose recovery...you're in jail...deal with it" and his mom (a wonderful woman) backed me up.

He was one of those A's who would steal from you, then "help" you look for what was missing

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

mstrust

thank you... i feel so stupid because i know the answers yet i want them to be different.

guess what? the gun turned up. and he really, truly didn't take it. i have no explanation for what happened and i am wondering if someone else in my life did this thinking it was a favor and not realizing the gravity of it. i have called the police back to tell them it was found and to at least get them to undo any suspicion of the exboyfriend. i promise all that i'm not in denial. this is one thing the ex did NOT do. i am sure of it.

however...it changes nothing else. and this whole situation has almost landed me in the hospital from poor health and the insanity it's caused. i'm still reading codependent no more and doing the exercises. i'm still in therapy. this gun thing was a MAJOR setback. but it also illustrated to me how absolutely CRAZY this all is.

Impurrfect

I'm glad the gun showed up. I'm also glad that even though you are certain he didn't have it (and I have to think you're right...as if an A gets hold of something like that, it's usually gone forever) it "doesn't change anything".

I hope you can get to the point you take "stupid" out of your vocabulary regarding yourself. It takes time, even when we KNOW the right answers, to get our head, heart and gut all together. You're getting there so give yourself some pats on the back

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

mstrust

i'm trying to give myself more credit as i go along this weird and awful road. finding the gun didn't change a thing about the addiction and the behavior of his. i really swear i'm not deluding myself about him not taking it. problem is now he has a new and improved reason to hate my guts...for involving the police at all. since he's on probation, he said i really f***ed him by calling them. well, guess what, that's what people do when they think they've been stolen from. and to have a gun stolen and out there somewhere is just not a good thing at all. now that it's found, i am pretty sure i'm going to sell it. even though it belonged to my friend who passed, it feels wrong now.

Impurrfect

YOU aren't the one on probation, YOU aren't the one who is still using. If he gets violated for probation it's on him. If he didn't take the gun, isn't using, they won't do anything. I've been on probation, I've violated it and went to a diversion center for almost 6 months. I brought it on ME.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

mstrust

this whole gun thing has really turned into the be-all-end-all. i feel like i'm stuck in a bad movie. i know he got himself into all his own messes, but to hear him question my "loyalty" and my ability to be trusted really hurts. i make a great scapegoat.

i need to forgive myself for the mistakes i have made in this situation. i need to learn faster than i am, i feel...but i can't. i want to let go. i want to be free from all i've piled on myself and him and us. how is it possible for me to still have any hope at all??? what the f**k am i so afraid of?

i don't expect anyone has answers for me. i know if i were reading my own posts as someone else, it would be pretty easy to see the forest for the trees. i just feel broken.

becky1982

Anyone would have drawn the same conclusion about the gun. He made choices that caused him to be under the suspicion of theft, including entering your home, making a mess, leaving mean notes, being a drug addict, stealing from you in the past. You acted logically, swiftly, appropriately, and did the right thing. Things are not screwed up for him because of anything you did, things are screwed up because of what he did. No guilt! It's all unfolding as its meant to, and his true colors are blaring!

There are no accidents!

mstrust

just moved my bed to remake it. found an oxy 30 under it. nothing he's prescribed. i know i shouldn't be putting myself down, but i can't stop feeling like a fool. what will it take for me to learn that addicts are liars?? truth is a foreign concept. i wish i could catch the next plane to somewhere else where this never happened. any of it.

allforcnm

I hope that the police investigate, and that you turned over the names of people who had access to your home. Because something is not quite right here. Who would go into your home, into your closet, take a gun ? If it was somone close to you, then why did they not ask you? And when you were so upset for days and calling the police on ex; they were not aware, or just let all that happen? Who knows what the intent was? To get the ex into trouble? To use the gun for misguided purposes and then return it ? A gun was missing for days - someone still stole from you, violated your home, and caused all this stress on you and the ex.

gurlie214

alforcnm is right! Something's not right about the gun thing?

mstrust

something isn't right about it, that's correct. i don't think i will ever know. at this point, i don't want any more stress. i had two clients die recently and a whole slew of other crap in addition to the reappearing gun and i just can't handle any more right now. i am almost to the point where i think, but i have NO idea how, i may have overlooked it. this seems impossible since i tore the house apart for hours, but then again, i feel utterly insane most of the time lately. there is only one person who had a key to my new lock and i am having a hard time believing they would do something like that and not tell me. then again, they do kind of loathe the ex-boyfriend so perhaps it was designed to be the straw that broke the camel's back. me being the camel. i'm glad it's back, but i'm selling it if i ever have any free time again.

zoso77

Consider the source.

ZoSo

outtolunch

Drama is not love.

Get a restraining order.

Block his phone # and email and FB.

Be done with this.

outtolunch

We have all been fools at one time or another. We can't change this. We can however, learn from the experience and create reasonable boundaries to protect ourselves going forward.

mstrust

thank you all again. i'm working on the no contact thing. i don't know why this is so hard. i do, but i don't. i have noticed that being here, in my home, by myself with my animals, has made me feel much more relaxed than i was when he was here. i don't feel sick to my stomach all the way home from work. i can eat again. i don't have anger and resentment burning inside me all the time. i know what this all adds up to. i am having the hardest time cutting that final thread.

the latest is that he got iv antibiotics yesterday and today at the hospital for a massive infection that made his entire arm and hand swell up. and of course, it had nothing to do with anything HE did. perhaps it had to do with the "spider bites" he had on his hands the week before? who knows. i expressed my doubt about how the infection happened and i was told that was the very reason this can't work between us--because i have no empathy. i know how ridiculous that is. i know what i've tried to do and that i've tried to understand and help where i couldn't (and shouldn't have).

i'm scared he's going to die. i know there's nothing i can do. i know i need to look out for myself. i guess i feel like i need to process all of this here where people will reinforce what i already know but maybe am too afraid to truly act on. i know i'm understood here and it makes me feel a little less crazy and reading others' stories and feedback makes me feel a little stronger everyday. i'm sorry if this story is getting ridiculous and repetitive. i'm getting hope in myself back...it's just taking a long time.

mstrust

ok. no contact starts now. it's worse than i thought. he's lied about other women. that's it. NO CONTACT.