Boyfriend using opiates, I need advice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Moorhead, MN
Posts: 6
I can feel your pain and I'm so sorry. The obsessing about his behaviors and trying to rationalize them will drive you crazy and in the end you will become very tired. My husband was using hydros and xanax when we got married, much to my naive self. 4 months after our wedding, he was taking about 100 pills a day and went into liver failure from the tylenol. It has been 8 years since we've been married and after his rehab 4 months after we got married he was put on suboxone. I do not recommend this drug. It slowly progressed into a full blown relapse that took years but he was smoking pot daily and then eventually went to heroin and cocaine this spring. Addicts will lie at any expense to get what they need and you may lose yourself in the end. My hubby has now been sober since April. We have 3 beautiful children but if it wasn't for the kids or his try at recovery, I would've been long gone!!
Big hugs to you!! I have realized after 8 years, that my love will never save him. He hated himself so much that he couldn't see beyond that. We call his addictive side Idiot Irvin. So when I see some of the addictive behaviors come out I tell him that Irvin is lurking his ugly head. And I have grown to realize that my husband, who loves and cares for me, wouldn't have hurt me these past 8 years. It was his disease which causes me so much pain.
You need to care for you and deserve to have someone in your life who will respect you and loves himself enough to do so. Addicts are not horrible people but I wouldn't wish a relationship on anyone with someone who is an active addict.
Good luck to you!
Big hugs to you!! I have realized after 8 years, that my love will never save him. He hated himself so much that he couldn't see beyond that. We call his addictive side Idiot Irvin. So when I see some of the addictive behaviors come out I tell him that Irvin is lurking his ugly head. And I have grown to realize that my husband, who loves and cares for me, wouldn't have hurt me these past 8 years. It was his disease which causes me so much pain.
You need to care for you and deserve to have someone in your life who will respect you and loves himself enough to do so. Addicts are not horrible people but I wouldn't wish a relationship on anyone with someone who is an active addict.
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband was also hooked on opiates (pain pills) for about a year. For a short while before he quit, he also used benzos (Xanax) and coke. He started because of a legitimate injury and it was all prescribed, but then when they tried to wean him down; he couldn’t accept that and got in with some guys at his office who kept him supplied. He has about 5 months clean now, and he completed a 90 day Non-12 step rehab with some outpatient also. So now he is back home with me and our infant son, back to working except he took a transfer to another location and isn’t around those same guys ! Things are good right now.
We did separate for the year he was using. Not really because he was using…. But because of the way he was acting while using. He was nice enough to me and all that; but he wanted to stay out with his buddies until 3am and that type of lifestyle just wasn’t working for me, so we would argue about it. If it hadn’t been for that, I wouldn’t have asked him to leave at that time. He also was able to hold down his job, and so he basically was able to get himself a nice apartment, and he also continued to contribute to the expenses of our home.
I read someone suggested you are enabling him by staying with him in a relationship. But you said overall your currently happy with the relationship. If that’s true, then I personally don’t think you need to end your relationship at this time, and you don’t need to feel guilty about; if hes pulling his weight in the relationship then that’s not enabling in my book.
Also, I think we have to be really careful if we fall into the trap of taking action in an attempt to force an outcome. I.e. like asking someone to move out, and thinking that will cause them to realize they need to stop using. It might have that effect, but just as likely it won’t. ( Lets be honest, some people are content living under bridges and are still using after being turned out by family).
You also asked in your first post, if there were methods to help you other than the 12 steps / higher power. Yes, there are lots of things. Before my husband went into rehab, I did a lot of reading. If you want I can share some of the books that I found helpful. Also, there is a program called Smart recovery which uses the Craft plan for family. You can google that, and also do a search for non 12 step recovery for more things. After my husband went into rehab, I worked with one of their therapist. That was really helpful to me in working on my own issues, and teaching me healthy ways to deal with his recovery and our future.
A couple suggestions from what Ive learned:
If you stay in the relationship with him, remember that he is your boyfriend, and there is a lot of great stuff that goes along with that. Dealing with addiction issues will be part of that; but it wont be a healthy relationship, or very fulfilling if it becomes unbalanced and all of the other important things get lost.
And make sure your life is well balanced also. Whatever things held importance in your life before the relationship (family, friends, work, school, hobbies, etc) don’t let them fall away because of your involvement with his addiction. That’s how a lot of people come to lose themselves……
After reading about the trauma that your boyfriend suffered; I think he really needs to get some counseling. I was just reading this other thread on here about 'root cause; of addiction. I think in your boyfriends case, that trauma, and no treatment; hes probably got all that pain bottled up, and is using to escape.
Would he consider some individual therapy possibly?
We did separate for the year he was using. Not really because he was using…. But because of the way he was acting while using. He was nice enough to me and all that; but he wanted to stay out with his buddies until 3am and that type of lifestyle just wasn’t working for me, so we would argue about it. If it hadn’t been for that, I wouldn’t have asked him to leave at that time. He also was able to hold down his job, and so he basically was able to get himself a nice apartment, and he also continued to contribute to the expenses of our home.
I read someone suggested you are enabling him by staying with him in a relationship. But you said overall your currently happy with the relationship. If that’s true, then I personally don’t think you need to end your relationship at this time, and you don’t need to feel guilty about; if hes pulling his weight in the relationship then that’s not enabling in my book.
Also, I think we have to be really careful if we fall into the trap of taking action in an attempt to force an outcome. I.e. like asking someone to move out, and thinking that will cause them to realize they need to stop using. It might have that effect, but just as likely it won’t. ( Lets be honest, some people are content living under bridges and are still using after being turned out by family).
You also asked in your first post, if there were methods to help you other than the 12 steps / higher power. Yes, there are lots of things. Before my husband went into rehab, I did a lot of reading. If you want I can share some of the books that I found helpful. Also, there is a program called Smart recovery which uses the Craft plan for family. You can google that, and also do a search for non 12 step recovery for more things. After my husband went into rehab, I worked with one of their therapist. That was really helpful to me in working on my own issues, and teaching me healthy ways to deal with his recovery and our future.
A couple suggestions from what Ive learned:
If you stay in the relationship with him, remember that he is your boyfriend, and there is a lot of great stuff that goes along with that. Dealing with addiction issues will be part of that; but it wont be a healthy relationship, or very fulfilling if it becomes unbalanced and all of the other important things get lost.
And make sure your life is well balanced also. Whatever things held importance in your life before the relationship (family, friends, work, school, hobbies, etc) don’t let them fall away because of your involvement with his addiction. That’s how a lot of people come to lose themselves……
After reading about the trauma that your boyfriend suffered; I think he really needs to get some counseling. I was just reading this other thread on here about 'root cause; of addiction. I think in your boyfriends case, that trauma, and no treatment; hes probably got all that pain bottled up, and is using to escape.
Would he consider some individual therapy possibly?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.......I hope you find some answers here.
Most of us who have associated closely with addicts....slowly....become addicts of sorts ourselves. But our DOC isn't a substance....it's a person. We begin to have behaviors that can be as dysfunctional as the addict:
-We time their "errands" (milk runs, bread runs, cigarette runs).
-We go through their belongings when they aren't looking.
-We check through their wallet, pockets, text messages, and phone log.
-We check their pupils, skin, hair, arms...sometimes even between their toes looking for track marks.
-We smell their breath while they're sleeping or sniff their clothing trying to detect the smell of drugs.
-We try to figure out their usage patterns.
-We become super stealth detectives.
-We begin to lie to them (no...I didn't go through your stuff, phone, etc.)
-We lie to others who ask about their "problem"
-We lie to employers, friends, parents....to cover up for the addict.
-We bail them out of their problems (enabling).
-We want to believe the things they say to us even when we know they aren't true.
-We have our own set of denial issues (perhaps his use isn't all that bad)
-We obsess
-We cajole
-We argue
-We attempt to reason
-We employ the silent treatment
-We have expectations that an addict can't possibly meet
-We become disheartened
-We have behavioral changes that come on so slowly that we can't see them in ourselves--but others can
-We obsess about where the addict is, who they are with and what they are doing
-We blame the people the addict hangs out with for the addict's antics or usage
-We begin to change our own patterns to better accomodate the needs of the addict
-We miss work
-We spend time at work doing something that relates to the addict instead of working.
-We accept inappropriate behavior because they say "I'm sorry" again and again
-We lower our standards because we love them
-We minimize their use
-We minimize the impact that their use has on us
-We worry.....will tonight be the night they OD and die?
-We fail to set boundaries or our boundaries are moving targets
-We lose sleep
-We lose weight, gain weight, or get sick
-We can't tell where we leave off and the addict begins
-We become angry and resentful
-We become defensive
-We think we can help them overcome their addiction
-We think that we can "love" them clean
-We can't concentrate because we can't get our minds off of the addict.
-We live in a state of denial so powerful that we are the last to realize it.
-We find drug paraphenalia and accept their lame excuses like "it's not mine"
-We allow ourselves to be manipulated
-We fabricate a "reality" based upon our "fantasy"
-And the list goes on and on and on
Enabling is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what happens to someone when they become involved with an addict. The things listed above may not happen to everyone......but, if we are really honest with ourselves, we can pick out a couple of handfuls of those things that happened to us while involved with an addict in active addiction.
You want to know about addiction and want to refrain from enabling behaviors and that is very admirable. But that's just the beginning. I hope its helpful to be aware of a few other things beyond the issue of enabling that often goes along with loving an addict that are seldom listed out like this. If you can avoid all of the behaviors above by concentrating on yourself (rather than on the addict), you'll do just fine.
The list above is compiled based upon my own dysfunction as the former wife of an addict/alcoholic and the mother of an addict. I'm not ashamed of those behaviors. They were what they were......but I don't live like that anymore......nor do I want to.
gentle hugs
ke
Most of us who have associated closely with addicts....slowly....become addicts of sorts ourselves. But our DOC isn't a substance....it's a person. We begin to have behaviors that can be as dysfunctional as the addict:
-We time their "errands" (milk runs, bread runs, cigarette runs).
-We go through their belongings when they aren't looking.
-We check through their wallet, pockets, text messages, and phone log.
-We check their pupils, skin, hair, arms...sometimes even between their toes looking for track marks.
-We smell their breath while they're sleeping or sniff their clothing trying to detect the smell of drugs.
-We try to figure out their usage patterns.
-We become super stealth detectives.
-We begin to lie to them (no...I didn't go through your stuff, phone, etc.)
-We lie to others who ask about their "problem"
-We lie to employers, friends, parents....to cover up for the addict.
-We bail them out of their problems (enabling).
-We want to believe the things they say to us even when we know they aren't true.
-We have our own set of denial issues (perhaps his use isn't all that bad)
-We obsess
-We cajole
-We argue
-We attempt to reason
-We employ the silent treatment
-We have expectations that an addict can't possibly meet
-We become disheartened
-We have behavioral changes that come on so slowly that we can't see them in ourselves--but others can
-We obsess about where the addict is, who they are with and what they are doing
-We blame the people the addict hangs out with for the addict's antics or usage
-We begin to change our own patterns to better accomodate the needs of the addict
-We miss work
-We spend time at work doing something that relates to the addict instead of working.
-We accept inappropriate behavior because they say "I'm sorry" again and again
-We lower our standards because we love them
-We minimize their use
-We minimize the impact that their use has on us
-We worry.....will tonight be the night they OD and die?
-We fail to set boundaries or our boundaries are moving targets
-We lose sleep
-We lose weight, gain weight, or get sick
-We can't tell where we leave off and the addict begins
-We become angry and resentful
-We become defensive
-We think we can help them overcome their addiction
-We think that we can "love" them clean
-We can't concentrate because we can't get our minds off of the addict.
-We live in a state of denial so powerful that we are the last to realize it.
-We find drug paraphenalia and accept their lame excuses like "it's not mine"
-We allow ourselves to be manipulated
-We fabricate a "reality" based upon our "fantasy"
-And the list goes on and on and on
Enabling is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what happens to someone when they become involved with an addict. The things listed above may not happen to everyone......but, if we are really honest with ourselves, we can pick out a couple of handfuls of those things that happened to us while involved with an addict in active addiction.
You want to know about addiction and want to refrain from enabling behaviors and that is very admirable. But that's just the beginning. I hope its helpful to be aware of a few other things beyond the issue of enabling that often goes along with loving an addict that are seldom listed out like this. If you can avoid all of the behaviors above by concentrating on yourself (rather than on the addict), you'll do just fine.
The list above is compiled based upon my own dysfunction as the former wife of an addict/alcoholic and the mother of an addict. I'm not ashamed of those behaviors. They were what they were......but I don't live like that anymore......nor do I want to.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 46
[QUOTE=Kindeyes;3857663-We have expectations that an addict can't possibly meet
ke[/QUOTE]
Would telling him its a simple request, it's easy don't do X and we won't argue.
Is that an example of an expectation that he can't possibly meet?
ke[/QUOTE]
Would telling him its a simple request, it's easy don't do X and we won't argue.
Is that an example of an expectation that he can't possibly meet?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by graciousone 
Would telling him its a simple request, it's easy don't do X and we won't argue.
Is that an example of an expectation that he can't possibly meet?
Is that an example of an expectation that he can't possibly meet?
An expectation that they can't meet might be....expecting them to love us the way we feel we deserve to be loved--to love us the way we love them. They can't love us in the way we want/need because their DOC is their first priority.
Another example of an expectation that they can't meet is.....to expect them to just say "I won't use anymore" and mean it. It's not that simple. It's addiction.
I hope that clarifies that issue.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by caome
I'm reading a lot of these posts about how I can't love him to recovery. I feel like a kid who got busted stealing cookies... I've literally thought to myself, if I can be the most awesome and best girlfriend for him he'll just want to get clean! Cue the sad trombone.
welcome! Im glad you are here, though i am sorry for the reasons you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
I understand so much of what you are feeling and experiencing right now. We all do. When I came here, I thought I was different and that my AXBF was different. Wow, was I wrong. While we are all unique as individuals, addiction and its patterns are not unique.
Feel free to read my three year journey through hell and back for one piece of evidence among thousands upon thousands of identical stories. I survived life with an active heroin (and everything) addict and only because I finally detached with love and let go which can only happen if and when you're ready. No one here on SR can force you to choose one way or another just like you cannot force your ABF to do anything.
I have learned a lot of lessons over the last few years and am so thankful for recovery because I truly have my life back. He just does not fit anymore and quite frankly he never did. After a roller coaster of torment and drama altering with intense passion and some sick version of love, I decided to get off the crazy train before it went off a cliff.
My self-esteem, inner peace, love for self and others, energy, health, life goals, and dreams are all returning, being repaired, reborn, and realized and only because of recovery. Recovery has been a slow and steady journey with a vast support network I have built. I share with you my success story because I hope it is a glimmer of light to help clear the f.o.g. (a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt).
I know you believe you are okay with his drug use- which if I may say is not true. If it were true, you would not be here on this forum. To me this sounds like you are in a state of denial and shock. That is natural in the beginning phase of waking up when the pain is just too much to handle.
We are all here for you along the way. My happy ending is not the result of meeting another man, or my AXBF finding recovery, or us reuniting. It is a story of finding serenity. My quality of life has surpassed anything I could imagine before recovery or in any relationship thus far. I wish you the same. Many blessings and prayers that it does not take you three years like me.
Feel free to read my three year journey through hell and back for one piece of evidence among thousands upon thousands of identical stories. I survived life with an active heroin (and everything) addict and only because I finally detached with love and let go which can only happen if and when you're ready. No one here on SR can force you to choose one way or another just like you cannot force your ABF to do anything.
I have learned a lot of lessons over the last few years and am so thankful for recovery because I truly have my life back. He just does not fit anymore and quite frankly he never did. After a roller coaster of torment and drama altering with intense passion and some sick version of love, I decided to get off the crazy train before it went off a cliff.
My self-esteem, inner peace, love for self and others, energy, health, life goals, and dreams are all returning, being repaired, reborn, and realized and only because of recovery. Recovery has been a slow and steady journey with a vast support network I have built. I share with you my success story because I hope it is a glimmer of light to help clear the f.o.g. (a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt).
I know you believe you are okay with his drug use- which if I may say is not true. If it were true, you would not be here on this forum. To me this sounds like you are in a state of denial and shock. That is natural in the beginning phase of waking up when the pain is just too much to handle.
We are all here for you along the way. My happy ending is not the result of meeting another man, or my AXBF finding recovery, or us reuniting. It is a story of finding serenity. My quality of life has surpassed anything I could imagine before recovery or in any relationship thus far. I wish you the same. Many blessings and prayers that it does not take you three years like me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 17
Kindeyes- I can relate to everything that you have listed out. You have even pointed out a few that I never even noticed I did!
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. He admitted a year ago that he was an addict but turns out that he was using for over 8 years. He hid his addiction very well. He has been to rehab twice in the last year. At first I thought I would be able to stay with him and help him down this journey. Yes- he basically lied to me our whole relationship but I was willing to forgive him and figured maybe we could start over and maybe become stronger than we ever were. While he was away at rehab my family, friends, and I sent him everything he would need and encouraged him that we would always support him. He came home and I thought things were going pretty well. He started to act weird and I didn't hear from him all day. That night he calls to say he relapsed. He went away to rehab the next day. I was hurt and confused. When he had come home we talked and promised we would be open and honest.well once again he lied. I decided to stay and thought He "needed" me. Well he came home and I thought things were going well. He was going to meetings every night and being more open and would talk about things. Then things slowly started to change and then went right back to the way they were. My gut is telling me he relapsed, but he won't admit it. His stories just don't make sense nor add up. I am not with him right now and I believe I might have to walk away.
As hope87 stated earlier you get tired... Very tired. At first I really thought he "needed" me and I was so confident that I was strong enough to handle this. Now I feel like what he needed from me was my enabling ways. People would tell him how lucky he was that I stuck by him and how supportive I was of his addiction. Yet I am not sure he ever even thanked me or showed me he was appreciative. When I suspected he was using again he became my addiction. I was constantly worried about everything- where he was, what he was doing, why he couldn't get out of bed. Then night time would come and I couldn't sleep and would be up all night worried. I was just sick to my stomach thinking about everything. Then I suddenly lost someone very close to me. I really needed his support. I really thought after everything we have gone through that he would step up. Well he didn't. He actually made this difficult time even harder. Somehow it was still all about him! I really thought the one time I ever needed support that I would get it....nope. This situation was a huge eye opener for me. In the last few weeks since I haven't seen him I have realized a lot of things. I feel like I was so consumed by him and his addiction that I lost myself. I love him so much but know that I just can't do it anymore. I am becoming just as sick as he was/is.
We only get one chance at life. Do I want to spend it worried and questioning everything? How can you believe someone that has constantly lied to you?
I know this site has really helped me and I hope it can help you too!!
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. He admitted a year ago that he was an addict but turns out that he was using for over 8 years. He hid his addiction very well. He has been to rehab twice in the last year. At first I thought I would be able to stay with him and help him down this journey. Yes- he basically lied to me our whole relationship but I was willing to forgive him and figured maybe we could start over and maybe become stronger than we ever were. While he was away at rehab my family, friends, and I sent him everything he would need and encouraged him that we would always support him. He came home and I thought things were going pretty well. He started to act weird and I didn't hear from him all day. That night he calls to say he relapsed. He went away to rehab the next day. I was hurt and confused. When he had come home we talked and promised we would be open and honest.well once again he lied. I decided to stay and thought He "needed" me. Well he came home and I thought things were going well. He was going to meetings every night and being more open and would talk about things. Then things slowly started to change and then went right back to the way they were. My gut is telling me he relapsed, but he won't admit it. His stories just don't make sense nor add up. I am not with him right now and I believe I might have to walk away.
As hope87 stated earlier you get tired... Very tired. At first I really thought he "needed" me and I was so confident that I was strong enough to handle this. Now I feel like what he needed from me was my enabling ways. People would tell him how lucky he was that I stuck by him and how supportive I was of his addiction. Yet I am not sure he ever even thanked me or showed me he was appreciative. When I suspected he was using again he became my addiction. I was constantly worried about everything- where he was, what he was doing, why he couldn't get out of bed. Then night time would come and I couldn't sleep and would be up all night worried. I was just sick to my stomach thinking about everything. Then I suddenly lost someone very close to me. I really needed his support. I really thought after everything we have gone through that he would step up. Well he didn't. He actually made this difficult time even harder. Somehow it was still all about him! I really thought the one time I ever needed support that I would get it....nope. This situation was a huge eye opener for me. In the last few weeks since I haven't seen him I have realized a lot of things. I feel like I was so consumed by him and his addiction that I lost myself. I love him so much but know that I just can't do it anymore. I am becoming just as sick as he was/is.
We only get one chance at life. Do I want to spend it worried and questioning everything? How can you believe someone that has constantly lied to you?
I know this site has really helped me and I hope it can help you too!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
Wow....I need ur words tonite!! Me n my guy had a big talk from jail of course....timed calls and 8dollars later it disconnected us mid sentence fight etc....Itold him Idont know how ill ever trust him againeven though I've stood by for 9mos he's been in there. I love him more than anyone I've ever been with but he's also lied from beginning! I thought this time it'll work and he will get out n be clean but I'm.scared now I'm being lied to now....ps he's never asked me for money whiles he's been in jail for what that's worth!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
