Boyfriend using opiates, I need advice.
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Boyfriend using opiates, I need advice.
Hi everyone,
I've got a lot to say and I tend to include every detail so, please bear with me. I'm sorry if this is long, I don't know what's relevant and what isn't.
My boyfriend and I have been together since the day we met, just over a year. I'm 31, he is 32. As I have gotten to know him and fallen ridiculously in love with him, I've also slowly become aware of his opiate problems. I have never had to deal with someone close to me being an addict before, and I want to learn how to love him and be a good girlfriend for him without enabling him. He is an extremely stubborn person, and at this point in time I am fairly sure that if an ultimatum was given, he would choose drugs over me just because he doesn't want to be told what to do. It's hard for me to know exactly what and how he's using, he is extremely secretive and tries to keep me out of that part of his life. We don't live together yet so I can't always know what he's doing.
Here is what I know of his past use... around 7 years ago, my bf lost his brother to suicide. He is the one who found his brother, cut him down and tried to administer CPR, but it was far too late for that. After that time is when I believe he started using pills. He never received any sort of counseling.
I was unaware when we started dating that he used. Casual party drug use and moderate to heavy drinking is common among our friends, so I guess it was easy to miss, but I slowly began to realize that he wasn't falling asleep, he was nodding off. He told me he was using suboxone and other pain pills. Then he revealed to me he was dealing fentanyl, then I figured out he wasn't just selling, he was using it too. He realized he had an addiction to the fentanyl and decided on his own to stop. 7 months into our relationship he kicked drugs in my bedroom and I took care of him as best I could. He stayed clean for a while, but then the pinned pupils started showing up on occasion again. He told me he occasionally wanted to use Oxy or percoset but I didn't need to worry about it (ha, ha). 2 months ago, while looking for my car key, I found a needle in his pants pocket. First he lied and told me he was doing a favor for a friend which I did not believe, then he told me he'd used it to shoot coke, which I assume is probably also a lie, although he does sometimes do uppers. 1 month ago, we were at a party and he got very drunk and wanted to use my car to "run an errand," to which I said no. I offered to drive him but he said he didn't want me to come. He finally talked someone else into driving him and after they got back someone found him passed out in the bathroom. I checked his phone after he fell asleep and he'd gone to visit his old supplier. Last night he was higher than usual again (meaning I could see it in his personality and not just his pupils) and I think I saw a needle mark on his arm. It's hard to tell because he has eczema on the inside of his elbow and he got very defensive when I asked to see. He doesn't use every day, but at least once a week it seems.
He has a couple very close friends who have recently overcame their own opiate addictions and with whom I have broached my concerns with. One of them told me when she had used with him, she was amazed at how high his tolerance was. (It was her house where he passed out in the bathroom, and she harshly scolded him about it.)
So, my dilemma is that I just don't know how to deal with anything. I'm trying to lose my naivete without doubting every single thing he does, but he can be so secretive it's hard. He went to get us bagels today and I timed him. I know that I can't fix him, it needs to be his own decision, I would just like to know how to best encourage him in that direction. Losing him in any way would absolutely devastate me, so at this point I'm really not willing to completely step away from him. He doesn't ask me for money, he can hold down a job, and he has his own apartment. His life is together except for this. Am I overreacting?
I've looked into Nar-anon meetings in my area but I can't stomach the 'higher power' aspect so I haven't gone to any. Are there other groups I could look into?
I come from a stable, middle-class, parents-still-married family, and I was never exposed to addicts or even drunks as a child. I have dabbled with drugs, on occasion with my bf, and I drink probably more than I should (I'm a bartender), but I have never had an issue with addiction. For me, occasional drug use means maybe once every 4-5 months and it's usually a couple vicodin and that's that.
Thank you for listening. I need a hug.
I've got a lot to say and I tend to include every detail so, please bear with me. I'm sorry if this is long, I don't know what's relevant and what isn't.
My boyfriend and I have been together since the day we met, just over a year. I'm 31, he is 32. As I have gotten to know him and fallen ridiculously in love with him, I've also slowly become aware of his opiate problems. I have never had to deal with someone close to me being an addict before, and I want to learn how to love him and be a good girlfriend for him without enabling him. He is an extremely stubborn person, and at this point in time I am fairly sure that if an ultimatum was given, he would choose drugs over me just because he doesn't want to be told what to do. It's hard for me to know exactly what and how he's using, he is extremely secretive and tries to keep me out of that part of his life. We don't live together yet so I can't always know what he's doing.
Here is what I know of his past use... around 7 years ago, my bf lost his brother to suicide. He is the one who found his brother, cut him down and tried to administer CPR, but it was far too late for that. After that time is when I believe he started using pills. He never received any sort of counseling.
I was unaware when we started dating that he used. Casual party drug use and moderate to heavy drinking is common among our friends, so I guess it was easy to miss, but I slowly began to realize that he wasn't falling asleep, he was nodding off. He told me he was using suboxone and other pain pills. Then he revealed to me he was dealing fentanyl, then I figured out he wasn't just selling, he was using it too. He realized he had an addiction to the fentanyl and decided on his own to stop. 7 months into our relationship he kicked drugs in my bedroom and I took care of him as best I could. He stayed clean for a while, but then the pinned pupils started showing up on occasion again. He told me he occasionally wanted to use Oxy or percoset but I didn't need to worry about it (ha, ha). 2 months ago, while looking for my car key, I found a needle in his pants pocket. First he lied and told me he was doing a favor for a friend which I did not believe, then he told me he'd used it to shoot coke, which I assume is probably also a lie, although he does sometimes do uppers. 1 month ago, we were at a party and he got very drunk and wanted to use my car to "run an errand," to which I said no. I offered to drive him but he said he didn't want me to come. He finally talked someone else into driving him and after they got back someone found him passed out in the bathroom. I checked his phone after he fell asleep and he'd gone to visit his old supplier. Last night he was higher than usual again (meaning I could see it in his personality and not just his pupils) and I think I saw a needle mark on his arm. It's hard to tell because he has eczema on the inside of his elbow and he got very defensive when I asked to see. He doesn't use every day, but at least once a week it seems.
He has a couple very close friends who have recently overcame their own opiate addictions and with whom I have broached my concerns with. One of them told me when she had used with him, she was amazed at how high his tolerance was. (It was her house where he passed out in the bathroom, and she harshly scolded him about it.)
So, my dilemma is that I just don't know how to deal with anything. I'm trying to lose my naivete without doubting every single thing he does, but he can be so secretive it's hard. He went to get us bagels today and I timed him. I know that I can't fix him, it needs to be his own decision, I would just like to know how to best encourage him in that direction. Losing him in any way would absolutely devastate me, so at this point I'm really not willing to completely step away from him. He doesn't ask me for money, he can hold down a job, and he has his own apartment. His life is together except for this. Am I overreacting?
I've looked into Nar-anon meetings in my area but I can't stomach the 'higher power' aspect so I haven't gone to any. Are there other groups I could look into?
I come from a stable, middle-class, parents-still-married family, and I was never exposed to addicts or even drunks as a child. I have dabbled with drugs, on occasion with my bf, and I drink probably more than I should (I'm a bartender), but I have never had an issue with addiction. For me, occasional drug use means maybe once every 4-5 months and it's usually a couple vicodin and that's that.
Thank you for listening. I need a hug.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Here's a big hug for you! 
Sorry you are going through this stressful situation. read as much as you can on here including the 'stickies' above and keep posting. 
I hope you find the solace you are looking for here. Just try to not lose yourself in the process of trying to figure out your boyfriend. 
Easier said than done - I know - been there, done that... but keep your eyes open and listen to your gut and what hes doing. If it feels wrong, it is wrong and only he will ever be able to correct that. You just need to figure out how to take care of YOU.
Sorry you are going through this stressful situation. read as much as you can on here including the 'stickies' above and keep posting. I hope you find the solace you are looking for here. Just try to not lose yourself in the process of trying to figure out your boyfriend. 
Easier said than done - I know - been there, done that... but keep your eyes open and listen to your gut and what hes doing. If it feels wrong, it is wrong and only he will ever be able to correct that. You just need to figure out how to take care of YOU.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Hey there..nice to meet ya Sorry to see you here. From what you are saying sounds like he's using herion. That is my AF DOC. I know all about it, the extra time it takes to pick up something that should take about 10 min, going through the phone, watching them like a hawk to verify to yourself if they are using or not, and the list goes on. Especially all the times they say they are clean or are trying to get clean and you find out they lie about that too. I'm not going to tell you to leave...you are not there yet...but I am going to tell you...you will eventually get tired. Very tired. You are never going to win no matter what they tell you to pull at your heartstrings. It's like continuoulsy beating your head against a wall....the result will ALWAYS be the same...pain. I was were you were and got so angry at everyone for telling me what to do and telling me there was no hope but now I get it....it took me seeing it and living it on my own to realize all these people here are right and you will eventually get to the same place. You will eventually get to the point you believe nothing that comes out of his mouth and what kind of relationship is that. Hang in there and remember actions speak louder than words...and take care of yourself. Least that you know you can do...
Sorry to see you here. From what you are saying sounds like he's using herion. That is my AF DOC. I know all about it, the extra time it takes to pick up something that should take about 10 min, going through the phone, watching them like a hawk to verify to yourself if they are using or not, and the list goes on. Especially all the times they say they are clean or are trying to get clean and you find out they lie about that too. I'm not going to tell you to leave...you are not there yet...but I am going to tell you...you will eventually get tired. Very tired. You are never going to win no matter what they tell you to pull at your heartstrings. It's like continuoulsy beating your head against a wall....the result will ALWAYS be the same...pain. I was were you were and got so angry at everyone for telling me what to do and telling me there was no hope but now I get it....it took me seeing it and living it on my own to realize all these people here are right and you will eventually get to the same place. You will eventually get to the point you believe nothing that comes out of his mouth and what kind of relationship is that. Hang in there and remember actions speak louder than words...and take care of yourself. Least that you know you can do...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
This is a good place to learn what it looks like to love an addict. I'm the mother of a recovering heroin addict.
Since your boyfriend is not making any attempts to recover from his addiction, you must realize that he will only get worse. Addiction is progressive. With my son it started out with pot and alcohol and then pain meds, but when pain meds got to be very expensive, he turned to heroin. Never thought I'd have a son who was a heroin addict but I do. Once he began using heroin, his life very quickly deteriorated--DUI's, lost job, lost girlfriend, lost home, etc. It usually takes life getting really messy for a person to decide to get help for their addiction.
My son went through a 28 day rehab. He is now into his second year after rehab. He is living with his girlfriend and as far as I can tell he seems to be doing well. I spoke to his girlfriend and encouraged her to be wary of him. He has relapsed a couple times (that I know of) and it could happen again. Addicts, whether recovering or not, are very skilled at lying.
Until your boyfriend decides to get help for his addiction, are you willing to see things get worse--much worse? He may have tried to get off drugs on his own, but as you have already seen, this is one battle that will take professional help. My son also tried a few times to stop using, but there is more to getting clean than just getting clean. It's a whole new way of living that must result upon getting clean. Unless your boyfriend's whole life changes (who he hangs with, places he goes, things he does) nothing will change. 12 step programs are wonderful for teaching people to live their lives differently--a lot of the good old Golden Rule inside those walls. I have often said everybody should work a 12 step program. Our world would be a much better place if we did.
As much as you probably already know this to be true, it's your boyfriend who must realize it. We can't make them see what needs to be done.
In the meantime, learn all you can about enabling your boyfriend's behavior. Don't do anything for him he can do for himself. Addicts are used to the people around them smoothing over the messes they make of their lives.
Since your boyfriend is not making any attempts to recover from his addiction, you must realize that he will only get worse. Addiction is progressive. With my son it started out with pot and alcohol and then pain meds, but when pain meds got to be very expensive, he turned to heroin. Never thought I'd have a son who was a heroin addict but I do. Once he began using heroin, his life very quickly deteriorated--DUI's, lost job, lost girlfriend, lost home, etc. It usually takes life getting really messy for a person to decide to get help for their addiction.
My son went through a 28 day rehab. He is now into his second year after rehab. He is living with his girlfriend and as far as I can tell he seems to be doing well. I spoke to his girlfriend and encouraged her to be wary of him. He has relapsed a couple times (that I know of) and it could happen again. Addicts, whether recovering or not, are very skilled at lying.
Until your boyfriend decides to get help for his addiction, are you willing to see things get worse--much worse? He may have tried to get off drugs on his own, but as you have already seen, this is one battle that will take professional help. My son also tried a few times to stop using, but there is more to getting clean than just getting clean. It's a whole new way of living that must result upon getting clean. Unless your boyfriend's whole life changes (who he hangs with, places he goes, things he does) nothing will change. 12 step programs are wonderful for teaching people to live their lives differently--a lot of the good old Golden Rule inside those walls. I have often said everybody should work a 12 step program. Our world would be a much better place if we did.
As much as you probably already know this to be true, it's your boyfriend who must realize it. We can't make them see what needs to be done.
In the meantime, learn all you can about enabling your boyfriend's behavior. Don't do anything for him he can do for himself. Addicts are used to the people around them smoothing over the messes they make of their lives.
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Thank you for the responses!
What makes it sound like he is using heroin and not pills?
What do you guys think about his seeming ability to maintain a constant level of use/addiction? He said he uses a formula to keep it under control, 2 days on, 3 days off kind of thing. I know there is a great chance that it will get worse, but he's been maintaining for years now.
What makes it sound like he is using heroin and not pills?
What do you guys think about his seeming ability to maintain a constant level of use/addiction? He said he uses a formula to keep it under control, 2 days on, 3 days off kind of thing. I know there is a great chance that it will get worse, but he's been maintaining for years now.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by caome 
What makes it sound like he is using heroin and not pills?
Originally Posted by caome
What do you guys think about his seeming ability to maintain a constant level of use/addiction? He said he uses a formula to keep it under control, 2 days on, 3 days off kind of thing. I know there is a great chance that it will get worse, but he's been maintaining for years now.
It also sounds - from your description - as things have progressed in the time you've known him. Addiction is a chronic progressive disease, that if not arrested, results in jail, institutionalization, or death. Every one progresses at their own pace...but all addicts progress.
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I'm reading a lot of these posts about how I can't love him to recovery. I feel like a kid who got busted stealing cookies... I've literally thought to myself, if I can be the most awesome and best girlfriend for him he'll just want to get clean! Cue the sad trombone.
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@sundayschild I did mention needle marks, but I assumed he was shooting oxy.
He's gone back and forth with progression it seems... and I also haven't known him for the entire time he uses. I'm still learning his patterns.
He's gone back and forth with progression it seems... and I also haven't known him for the entire time he uses. I'm still learning his patterns.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by caome
I am fairly sure that if an ultimatum was given, he would choose drugs over me
The potential does exist, that you picked the wrong partner.
You are lucky that you haven't moved him in or had a kid with him.
You can watch from a safe distance as you decide what the next chapter of your life will look like. It could easily look exactly like so many here that wish they had a do-over.
Read as much as you can here. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Atempts to control other people ( ultimatums) usually cause mutual resentments and don't work.
He's living his life as he sees fit to do. Are you?
Can you accpet him as is/where is and the elephant that will always in the room?
Is really does not matter if he's shooting opioids or opiates or munching on fentanyl patches? One is not less evil than the other.
He's living his life as he sees fit to do. Are you?
Can you accpet him as is/where is and the elephant that will always in the room?
Is really does not matter if he's shooting opioids or opiates or munching on fentanyl patches? One is not less evil than the other.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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Hi. Glad you fould this website.
Does it really matter what he's shooting or just THAT he's shooting substances into his veins that aren't suppose to go there?
You could waste your entire life doing this.
I hope you will read all you can on this website about addiction and codependency and boundaries in relationships. You can learn a lot from other people who have been through what you are going through.
And remember the 3 c's:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.
You have to focus on you and what you want out of life. I doubt you are going to find that with a drug addict unless you are satisfied with placing a distant second to the needles and the drugs.
@sundayschild I did mention needle marks, but I assumed he was shooting oxy.
I'm still learning his patterns.
I hope you will read all you can on this website about addiction and codependency and boundaries in relationships. You can learn a lot from other people who have been through what you are going through.
And remember the 3 c's:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.
You have to focus on you and what you want out of life. I doubt you are going to find that with a drug addict unless you are satisfied with placing a distant second to the needles and the drugs.
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I know that ultimatums don't work and wouldn't ever bother trying. Just an example of how I'm feeling. I'm genuinely happy in my life right now and with him, even with his drug use. I'm here trying to gather the tools I need to be able to observe our relationship and my behavior through a detached and educated lens so that I can decide when, whether and what I need to change about myself, and to be able to recognize when and how I may be enabling so I can minimize my own destructive behaviors. I obviously can't negate them completely, but I am trying to educate myself so I can protect myself.
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I am an addict and not a family member of one. I am reading your posts and relating to my own story and actions. From what you say or how you are looking at some of what you are seeing I can tell you that you have a long way to go to lose your naivete. First of all you must recognize that the most terrible thing that an addict can imagine is having to quit using and will protect his addiction at ALL costs. You are correct to assume that he would choose drugs over you and what does that tell you about your relationship? He also will lie, hide, cheat, manipulate and steal to avoid confrontation relative to his habit or any attempts to make him quit. The "program" he has to "manage" his drug use is bullshiit. It is a manipulation to make you think that he has it under control. He obviously does not or he wouldn't be passing out in the bathroom and/or "nodding off."
There has been nothing but good advice to you so far on this forum. There are very, very few of us who can get away from the stuff and stay away. Many can attest to the fact of watching someone slowly degrade themselves with the inevitable jail, institutionalization or death. I am clean, sober and happy but for the third time. The best advice may be to run away in the opposite direction as fast as you can. One year may seem a lifetime of being in love but a few years in hell will seem a lot longer.
There has been nothing but good advice to you so far on this forum. There are very, very few of us who can get away from the stuff and stay away. Many can attest to the fact of watching someone slowly degrade themselves with the inevitable jail, institutionalization or death. I am clean, sober and happy but for the third time. The best advice may be to run away in the opposite direction as fast as you can. One year may seem a lifetime of being in love but a few years in hell will seem a lot longer.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Originally Posted by caome
I know that ultimatums don't work and wouldn't ever bother trying. Just an example of how I'm feeling. I'm genuinely happy in my life right now and with him, even with his drug use. I'm here trying to gather the tools I need to be able to observe our relationship and my behavior through a detached and educated lens so that I can decide when, whether and what I need to change about myself, and to be able to recognize when and how I may be enabling so I can minimize my own destructive behaviors. I obviously can't negate them completely, but I am trying to educate myself so I can protect myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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I don't want to set ultimatums but bounderies.
I value sobriety. I will not hang around with someone I suspect is on drugs or coming down off drugs. I will ask that person to leave my house or I will remove myself from the situation. If that person does do not leave, I reserve the right to call the police and have them removed.
This is a boundary. You are dictating your own behavior, not trying to control someone elses.
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Originally Posted by caome
He's gone back and forth with progression it seems... and I also haven't known him for the entire time he uses. I'm still learning his patterns.
What happened to normal?
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Originally Posted by caome
I'm here trying to gather the tools I need to be able to observe our relationship and my behavior through a detached and educated lens so that I can decide when, whether and what I need to change about myself, and to be able to recognize when and how I may be enabling so I can minimize my own destructive behaviors. .
By staying with an addict who is using drugs, and perceiving the fiction of a "normal life," you are enabling him.
Only you can decide whether the positives of this relationship outweigh the negatives.
I've found it more helpful to focus on what I'm comfortable with, than with what behavior is "enabling" or not.
You need to be clear about your boundaries. You state that "casual party drug use and moderate to heavy drinking is common among our friends" so maybe being around someone who is using drugs is not a boundary for you, whereas it is for me. Is dealing an issue? Is daily drug use an issue? Carefully think about what you want in your life, and make your decisions accordingly.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Welcome to the forum.
Everyone here has given you excellent advice, I just wanted to chime in with an uncomfortable recommendation:
Please, please, please make sure you ALWAYS use protection. You are with an active IV drug user, and your safety should come first and foremost. I know it's an uncomfortable subject, I'm throwing it out there just in case. I pass no judgement, but there is risk inherent to your situation.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Opiates are a monster and the pain of addiction knows no boundaries. I am related to two IV heroin users, they both started with Oxy at parties. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to lose one of them soon.
Everyone here has given you excellent advice, I just wanted to chime in with an uncomfortable recommendation:
Please, please, please make sure you ALWAYS use protection. You are with an active IV drug user, and your safety should come first and foremost. I know it's an uncomfortable subject, I'm throwing it out there just in case. I pass no judgement, but there is risk inherent to your situation.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Opiates are a monster and the pain of addiction knows no boundaries. I am related to two IV heroin users, they both started with Oxy at parties. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to lose one of them soon.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Losing him in any way would absolutely devastate me, so at this point I'm really not willing to completely step away from him
what you don't realize yet is that you have already lost him.
I realize that is something no one wants to hear ... I didn't want to hear it either (my son is a heroin addict)
Lots of good advice has been given. This is a good place to be. You may not agree with everything but you will find truth and support here.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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My RABF's DOC is pain pills. He was on them for 7 years. He also tried to tell me that he had it under control. I found out later that he was using much more than I realized. While using, be maintained a good job and took care of his elderly parents. Eventually, it all caught up with him. He lied to me all the time. He lied to himself. He had to break the law and lie to obtain pills. He wasn't able to stop the pulls until he got help and worked on a recovery program. Despite that, he had a relapse where things quickly went bad. Eventually, he lost his job and went into debt. He should have savings now, but he went through all of it for the pills. He became a zombie on pills and cranky, depressed, and sick when he wasn't on them.
During all this, I felt more and more crazy. I was living with an active addict. I was lied to so much that I didn't know which way was up. I covered up his actions and isolated myself because I was embarrassed by his addiction.
I would suggest that you read Codependent No More and keep posting on this site. It has really helped me.
During all this, I felt more and more crazy. I was living with an active addict. I was lied to so much that I didn't know which way was up. I covered up his actions and isolated myself because I was embarrassed by his addiction.
I would suggest that you read Codependent No More and keep posting on this site. It has really helped me.
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