MrsDragon

I was reading through the replies to my post, and its coming across to me that people are suggesting a slow progression towards no contact with our son.

It is my understanding that when you break off contact; it is done because you have made the decision that having contact is unhealthy for you, or in taking it one step further possibly physically harmful to you.

My question, is this the view that is shared by most here?

Vale

NC is about triage.Marshalling limited resources where
they can do the most net good.
Would you trade your life in exchange for a happy,
healthy life for your child? Most parents would say yes.
The kicker is so many ( like me ) have exchanged
HUGE amounts of time, frustration, risk, and heartache
..........in exchange for NOTHING.No change, no healthy
direction------just more of the same.
The question is not would you sacrifice your life to
save your son.The question is would you throw away your
life in exchange for making a pointless gesture?

Vale

No contact is about triage.Marshalling limited resources where
they can do the most net good.
Would you trade your life in exchange for a happy,
healthy life for your child? Most parents would say yes.
The kicker is so many ( like me ) have exchanged
HUGE amounts of time, frustration, risk, and heartache
..........in exchange for NOTHING.No change, no healthy
direction------just more of the same.
The question is not would you sacrifice your life to
save your son.The question is would you sacrifice your
life in exchange for nothing?

SundaysChild

My view is that going "no contact" is something you do for your own mental health - you'll know when (and if) you need to do it.

We who love addicts need to take care of ourselves, and need to accept that we cannot control outcomes. You don't go "no contact" because it will force the addict to get treatment, just as you don't continue to harangue the addict about the need for treatment. Neither approach will get an active addict into recovery.

I hope your son has a "high bottom" and is able to realize all he has to lose, but every addict has their own timetable...

hello-kitty

You do what you can live with Mrs. Dragon.

So often our own lives completely fall apart because we are entirely focused on trying to help someone or save someone who doesn't want to be helped or saved. There is a saying: "Let go or be dragged"... Eventually some of us have to go no contact because that is the only way to let go. And if we don't, it will destroy us and what is left of our families.

dollydo

When the center of our world circulates around an addict, everyone, including the addict suffers.

I would suggest that you and your husband attend Naranon meetings, knowledge is power, dealing with an addict takes a strong will and a understanding of the disease.

As for no contact, that depends on what your bounderies are and if you intend to keep them, if they are overstepped, then no contact may be in order. In your case, I have seen no attempt to set bounderies.

kmangel

My son is in recovery from heroin addiction. He is not currently using drugs to my knowledge. For me, my going no contact is not necessary--but I still need to keep distance between us in certain areas.

I need to not be in the middle of my son's life. His business is not my business. He was living at home after rehab and it was not healthy for me knowing his every coming and going. You have access to your son's apartment to snoop around. That is not the sign of a healthy relationship. It's one thing to go over and help out when your son is away from his apartment--take in his mail, feed his animals, etc.--and another to check out his premises for drugs.

Today I got mail from a doctor's office for my son (my son has not filled out a change of address card yet and it's been five months since he moved out). I had some stinkin thinkin going on in my mind bringing it into my house. It may be perfectly innocent, but that feeling I had is not healthy. I would prefer my son fill out the change of address card and we never get any of his mail. There are those memories of our son trying to convince doctors of his need for pain medications and the like that creep back into my mind from time to time.

So for me it is best to be diligent in letting my son live his life his way and for me to not interfere. I hope he never chooses to go back down the road to addiction, but it isn't my choice to make for him.

lightseeker

Hi Mrs. Dragon,

I've read most of the responses to your posting and definitely don't get that people are telling you to go no contact. I'm hearing them say that creating boundaries, adhering to them, and working your own recovery program are good steps to take.

It's important to stay out of his business.....as they say "hands off the addict". That doesn't mean no contact to me. I asked my 18 year old son to leave my house this summer because he was not willing to respect my boundaries (he continued to smoke pot in my home). We've remained in contact though. I don't like his choices but I'm not at a point where I won't spend time with him or be in contact with him. I won't enable him though......

I agree that going to Naranon or Alanon would be a great place to get support and begin to really understand what are the healthiest way to deal with addiction in someone that you love.

I will tell you that my now ex husband had a cocaine addiction that began when he was in his 20's. His use continued until his late 40's because his mother continually enabled him.....let him live at the family lake house, gave him money, left him an inheritance, etc. I've always wondered what would have happened if he had been able to find his bottom. Many times he told me that he used for so long because he always knew that his mom would bail him out.

You're smart to continue to ask questions and take your time in figuring this out.

suki44883

Different circumstances call for different actions. No contact is something the friends or family of the addict do for themselves, to keep from becoming involved in the chaos of addiction. If maintaining contact with your son doesn't cause you undue stress or any other negative feelings, then it's probably not necessary, in your case.

On the other hand, that doesn't mean you should take it upon yourself to snoop around in his life. My daughter does not have an addiction problem, but when she was getting ready to move into her own apartment, I told her that once she moves, this is my home and your apartment will be your home. I don't want you coming here when I am not at home unless it is something we have previously arranged. On the other hand, I wouldn't think of just walking into her apartment if she wasn't there to let me in. Everyone deserves their privacy. Since your son is 26 years years old (I think), he definitely does not need his mother checking out his apartment whenever she wants. Having a key to his place is a privilege, not a right.

tjp613

You have just started along this path. I wouldn't expect you to understand the necessity for No Contact at this point. After 5 or 10 or 15 years, when you have exhausted 1/2 of your resources (or more), your friends don't call anymore, your marriage is on the rocks, and you're feeling physically ill from stress...maybe then you will see the benefit. Many of us have been there or are fast approaching that point.

No contact is also often recommended for people that are in 'romantic' relationships with an addict--where there are no children involved or no marriage-- in order to move into healing as quickly as possible and create a barrier to possible manipulations. It's easy to get sucked back in when you are lonely, weak, and missing the one you fell in love with.

No contact is also highly recommended for women that are victims of physical and emotional abuse, for obvious reasons.

LoveMeNow

MrsDragon - We all know how heart broken you must be. Each and everyone of us have been devastated by an addicted love one.

The stress, the anxieties and the sorrows of loving an active addict is more then anyone can handle without help. It can and will make you literally emotionally and physically sick if you allow it. Please take care of YOU.

My prayers are with you and your family!

Our love is NO match for addiction!

zoso77

This is such a difficult topic. While all of us have shared the same general difficulties of dealing with a loved one's addiction, no two situations are ever exactly the same.

My interpretation of "no contact" has always been the establishment of a near impenetrable boundary for the sake of one's own self preservation. When your well-being, physical, mental, AND emotional, has been severely compromised, you do what you have to do.

Now, it's never that easy, and it's never without consequences. It is especially difficult for a mother to detach from her child to that extent, and I get that. But when you get to the point where no contact is necessary, it means accepting a truth that's very difficult to accept: we can't help the addict. And if we stay coupled to the addict in codependent spiral, we go down with them.

So, it's not for me to tell you to go no contact. You have to be your best judge. What I can tell you is you need to be fully aware of what it is you're up against. I would STRONGLY encourage you to attend an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting local to your area. The stories I've heard in those meetings that resonate with me the most are stories of how mothers have had to detach from their children because their children are too sick. The stories break your heart. But you know what? A lot of women find the strength to do what they need to do. Honestly, when I heard those stories, my problems were pretty tame in comparison. If they could do the hard work, then so could I.

And so can you. Read up on as much as you can here, especially the stickies like "What Addicts Do". The more you know and understand, the more likely it is you'll make the best decision for you.

Just remember what LoveMeNot wrote just above me: our love is no match for addiction.

God Bless,
ZoSo

washbe2

VALE, I really like the way you put that. Don't think I've ever thought of it quite like that. Thank you.

LoveMeNow

It was so good, it was duplicated it. lol

Vale

...sorry for the repeat post,gang......I edited "NC" to 'no contact' and it
came out as TWO posts...

(sorry)

Vale

Dollydo wrote:

>>>>>When the center of our world circulates around an addict, everyone, including the addict suffers<<<<<<<<

Powerful...thank you!

Kindeyes

I went back and read the replies to your post as well. I also failed to see any post suggesting anything regarding no contact. I did read many people talking about letting go. Letting go of our adult children is healthy for them and for ourselves. It's important to ask ourselves if we are treating our adult offspring (take the addiction out of it) with respect. Are we respecting their privacy? Are we respecting their right to live their lives as they choose, even if we don't agree with it? Are we crossing their boundaries pulling the "but I'm your parent" card as an excuse for our own inappropriate behavior? Are we treating them, in the business environment, with the same set of rules that we apply to their peers within the company? Are we treating them like an adult or like our child? Are we so enmeshed in their lives that we can't tell where we end and they begin? The link below is an interesting (and short) bit on enmeshed families and business. Since I have also employed my son in the past, I found it extremely interesting. Maybe you will find it interesting as well.

http://www.familybusinesswiki.org/Enmeshed+family

Yes. Going no contact is done because the relationship has reached a point where continued contact is detrimental to a persons own psychological, spiritual, or physical self. It may be done because trying to maintain a relationship with the addicted loved one is fracturing other healthy relationships. There are all kinds of reasons that a person, even a parent, may elect to go no contact. But it is a very personal and painful decision. And people don't come to that decision lightly. It is a matter of self preservation and acceptance that they cannot and do not control another human being. No contact is sometimes a permanent situation and sometimes a temporary solution.

I am sorry that you are dealing with the painful reality that your son is involved with a very addictive and dangerous substance. Everyone here understands the anguish, concern, and fear that you are experiencing. Each of us have walked this difficult road as well. Some of us are just much further down the path and have reached a point of personal serenity....whether the addicted person in our lives continues to use or not. That serenity is there for anyone who has the patience and tenacity to find it.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

kmangel

When an adult child comes to live back home with his/her parents, the "child" often reverts back to an adolescent state of mind. This is true whether the adult child has a problem with drugs and/or alcohol or not. My elderly neighbor's son came to move back home with her after her husband died two and a half years ago. She complained last week about her son not keeping his room clean. She says he has no where to go if he doesn't live at home. Classic enabling behavior--but her son is not an addict. He's a grown man. My elder son asked me one day if he ever lost his job, could he move back home and my response at the time was "Son, you don't want to do that. You have been on your own for several years now and you have no one telling you what to do in your apartment. You don't want Mommy telling you to keep your room clean."

My neighbor knows my story about my RAson and how after seven months my husband and I insisted he move out. Some of our reasons were because of his history of drug addiction, but some of it was because adult children have no business living at home with Mommy and Daddy. They need their independence. Moving home was not a permanent solution--it was only a temporary solution--and my husband and I fully expected our son to be motivated to do the right thing in getting his life back on track. It didn't happen that way, though. Now he is out from under us he does seem more motivated to making better choices with his life. It was the living at home with us and his mind set (of reverting to being a child living at home) that was not working.

Perhaps having your son work in the family business is problematic more from the state of mind of your son being a child working for his father than his drug issues--or a combination of both. He feels that with his dad he can get away with more than he could if he wasn't related. Just like kids moving back home with their parents, they take too much for granted and they don't pull their own weight. Even without his drug issues, he may be inclined to take advantage of the situation of working for his father. It is so hard to be the enforcer of our kids, no matter their age, whether at home or at work.

outtolunch

It's healthier for parents of adult children in general to take a
" hands off the adult child" position and do so regardless of the situation. Hands -off is not the same thing as " no contact".

Entering an adult child's residence for any reason , without specific permission to do so is goofy stuff. Doing so with the intent to snoop, assess the situation, remove stuff and leave notes is beyond a tad off. I say this as a mom who can toss a room and go elbow deep in duct work with the best of them.

The ball for future contact is in his court. If and when he wants to communicate he will call and not a moment sooner.

farfaraway

I stopped contacting my family and I ended up not speaking to them for over a month. I enjoyed the peace, and it opened my eyes to what an effort I made to keep our phony relationship going, and how much it cost me emotionally. But recently my mother contacted me and I spoke to her. I am glad for this post because I am also confused about the distinctions between no contact and detachment. I realize now that absolutely no contact with my family is not really possible at this time.

One big reason is my great aunt is 90 years old. We are very close, and I've decided to visit her over Thanksgiving, because who knows how long she'll be around. By then my addict sister's baby will be born, and I already dread the whole thing. I don't want to see her at all. She was banned from Thanksgiving last year because my mother was afraid she'd steal from my relatives, but now because of the baby no one remembers that.

I have to get up to speed on detachment behaviors before this visit otherwise it's going to be pretty bad. Thank you MrsDragon for starting this dialogue