I just want him to leave.. i feel like a failure
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
I just want him to leave.. i feel like a failure
My husband is 100 days clean from crack. things were going really well... he's embraced the program and even spirituality and meditation. he's been good to me.. always calls on his way home.. never late..very loving.
We had a blow up over his lack of effort in looking for a job but worked that out and he's been on interviews last few weeks. then i basically find out he's been planning a trip with his old friends.. they all drink and use. he hid this from me and when we argued about it... said he was going period.. this trip is in 2 months and he'll have 5 months clean at that point. he says im overreacting... controlling... that he should be able to have 4 days out of 365 with his old friends... (they live far and he hardly sees them)..also he's gone object trips with them in the past and had no problem abstaining..
Im tired. i don't know why but this deception is pushing me over the edge... It evokes when we got married... and him keeping the addiction from me untill after the wedding..he said he knew i wouldn't have married him if he were honest. i just feel its the old selfish behaviors... he knew i wouldn't approve.. so he planned the trip anyways and figured he would deal with me later. he even said... "you wouldn't divorce me over this..." but i kind of am seriously considering that... i know it sounds crazy...but the fact that he didn't care what i thought really is the issue... he wants what he wants... i don't if i can deal with this anymore...im leaving tommorow on vacation for a week without him (my first in almost 2 years) o i will have time to think... we live together but are basically not speaking..
Am i being unreasonable/selfish? pls be honest... especially since its early in his recovery and everything else was fine.... thank u for reading...
We had a blow up over his lack of effort in looking for a job but worked that out and he's been on interviews last few weeks. then i basically find out he's been planning a trip with his old friends.. they all drink and use. he hid this from me and when we argued about it... said he was going period.. this trip is in 2 months and he'll have 5 months clean at that point. he says im overreacting... controlling... that he should be able to have 4 days out of 365 with his old friends... (they live far and he hardly sees them)..also he's gone object trips with them in the past and had no problem abstaining..
Im tired. i don't know why but this deception is pushing me over the edge... It evokes when we got married... and him keeping the addiction from me untill after the wedding..he said he knew i wouldn't have married him if he were honest. i just feel its the old selfish behaviors... he knew i wouldn't approve.. so he planned the trip anyways and figured he would deal with me later. he even said... "you wouldn't divorce me over this..." but i kind of am seriously considering that... i know it sounds crazy...but the fact that he didn't care what i thought really is the issue... he wants what he wants... i don't if i can deal with this anymore...im leaving tommorow on vacation for a week without him (my first in almost 2 years) o i will have time to think... we live together but are basically not speaking..
Am i being unreasonable/selfish? pls be honest... especially since its early in his recovery and everything else was fine.... thank u for reading...
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Oneday, Uh... no. You are not being selfish, or a nag, or crazy, or paranoid. The fact he's willing and wanting to go on a four day trip with active users is INSANE.
I'll bet you a $100 if he's got a good sponsor, this person would absolutely condemn this idea and tell him to fecking get a grip and stick with his recovery plan.
He's being a prat and is playing 'stupid' so that if perhaps something 'should' happen, he'll be able to explain it all away...
You've told him how you've felt right, and he still wants to go? (sigh)... I'm sure others will be on here soon enough to give good advice... - It's a matter of working your program for yourself (which is damn hard knowing your husband is about to do something so ********)...
I'm so sorry... this makes me so angry for you. He's being a total prat.
Hugs to you this eve
I'll bet you a $100 if he's got a good sponsor, this person would absolutely condemn this idea and tell him to fecking get a grip and stick with his recovery plan.
He's being a prat and is playing 'stupid' so that if perhaps something 'should' happen, he'll be able to explain it all away...
You've told him how you've felt right, and he still wants to go? (sigh)... I'm sure others will be on here soon enough to give good advice... - It's a matter of working your program for yourself (which is damn hard knowing your husband is about to do something so ********)...
I'm so sorry... this makes me so angry for you. He's being a total prat.
Hugs to you this eve
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme 
I'll bet you a $100 if he's got a good sponsor, this person would absolutely condemn this idea
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
When my EXABF would hang out with his using buddies it pi**ed me off. I couldn’t figure out why. I thought…am I over-reacting? He's clean, just because his friends use doesn't mean he does. Am I being a nagging girlfriend, he needs friend right? I should back off and trust him right?
WRONG
It wasn’t until he was arrested 2 times in the span of 4 months and I discovered he’d blown several hundred (possible thousands) dollars on Coke.
My guess is if he’s still hanging out with friends who use he probably isn’t staying as clean as you think he is. Maybe he’s just more in control of it.
And if he IS clean then he WON’T stay clean for very long.
In my experience addicts are more likely to use when they’re drinking. And they are CERTAINLY more likely to use in environments conducive to using IE vacations and with friends they used to use with.
You 100 percent have EVERY right to be po’d at him. Every right in the world. If I was him and I was truly committed to being a better husband and staying clean I sure as Hell wouldn’t be running of on a vacation especially when I have no job and it’s with my druggie friends.
Don’t let him manipulate you into think you’re the crazy one. My EXABF did this time me and looking back it makes me SO ANGRY. I was RIGHT to be upset , as are you! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I can tell just by him saying “You won’t divorce me over this” he thinks he holds all the cards… show him he doesn’t.
I would tell him to pack his stuff and move out. He sounds like he needs a reality check and to grow the hell up. At least separate from him for some time. Let him work on his recovery, you work on yours. Let him see what it's like not to have you around. Sounds like he just EXPECTS you to stick around and take his crap.
My guess is you've taken more then enough lies and betrayal. I wouldn't sit back and let him put you through even more.
Sorry if this is harsh, it just makes me mad that he is talking to you like YOU are the one whose wrong. You so are not.
WRONG
It wasn’t until he was arrested 2 times in the span of 4 months and I discovered he’d blown several hundred (possible thousands) dollars on Coke.
My guess is if he’s still hanging out with friends who use he probably isn’t staying as clean as you think he is. Maybe he’s just more in control of it.
And if he IS clean then he WON’T stay clean for very long.
In my experience addicts are more likely to use when they’re drinking. And they are CERTAINLY more likely to use in environments conducive to using IE vacations and with friends they used to use with.
You 100 percent have EVERY right to be po’d at him. Every right in the world. If I was him and I was truly committed to being a better husband and staying clean I sure as Hell wouldn’t be running of on a vacation especially when I have no job and it’s with my druggie friends.
Don’t let him manipulate you into think you’re the crazy one. My EXABF did this time me and looking back it makes me SO ANGRY. I was RIGHT to be upset , as are you! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I can tell just by him saying “You won’t divorce me over this” he thinks he holds all the cards… show him he doesn’t.
I would tell him to pack his stuff and move out. He sounds like he needs a reality check and to grow the hell up. At least separate from him for some time. Let him work on his recovery, you work on yours. Let him see what it's like not to have you around. Sounds like he just EXPECTS you to stick around and take his crap.
My guess is you've taken more then enough lies and betrayal. I wouldn't sit back and let him put you through even more.
Sorry if this is harsh, it just makes me mad that he is talking to you like YOU are the one whose wrong. You so are not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
How does an unemployed person fund a vacation?
I would agree that a marriage that is built on deception is a grave concern. Take your vacation. Clear your mind. Enjoy yourself. And take it one day at a time. I find that answers often reveal themselves.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with the others.....he's being really, really foolish if, in fact, he really isn't using by putting himself in that position. But, chances are, from my experience anyway, he is or will use again (plans on it anyway) thinking, "I can control this...it's been 4 whole months". That was always the magic number with my AH. Once he made it that long, he thought he could control it and use again recreationally like everybody else (his words, not mine). I hardly believe "everybody" is using cocaine. Certainly none of my friends were. You go and have a great time and give this some serious thought. I say it's a deal breaker if he goes through with it. But that's just my opinion!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by outtolunch
You married a fantasy.
The immature, chronicly unemployed, crack addict is what you got.
The return policy does not expire. There's still time to get you self esteem back.
The immature, chronicly unemployed, crack addict is what you got.
The return policy does not expire. There's still time to get you self esteem back.
Seriously, and I'm also talking to myself here, you began this marriage under false pretenses. You wouldn't have married him if you knew the whole truth. He continues to lie and hide things from you. He continues to disregard your feelings. He's immature- not working. Putting his addiction aside (which is enough of a big deal in itself to break free from him); he's not a "good catch" or a "great husband!"
You deserve a great husband!!! You are not married to the man you thought you were marrying. Until you find a worthy husband, you deserve to at least live in peace. He will not allow you to live in peace.
One of my good friends likes to say, "We only have a certain number of minutes left in our life."
Do you really want to give him any more of your minutes?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
When I was getting clean from crack, I didn't want to be anywhere around users. Now that I've been clean for years, I still avoid them like they have the plague. Let's just say they aren't the best companions and their conversations are stupid and rather boring. LAME. I'd have to get high if I was around them just so I could deal with the inane conversations crackheads have. God - just the thought of it makes me want to puke. NO THANK YOU!
However, that said, maybe it's time to do a reality check on your personal boundaries. He's going to do what he's going to do. Just because he might relapse into his old behaviors doesn't mean you have to. Could it be time to work on your own recovery and hit up an Al-anon meeting?
However, that said, maybe it's time to do a reality check on your personal boundaries. He's going to do what he's going to do. Just because he might relapse into his old behaviors doesn't mean you have to. Could it be time to work on your own recovery and hit up an Al-anon meeting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
Thank you all for your replies... especially in the middle of the night this board is a beacon of light. You are right.. the dishonesty is what sticks in my craw about this. It's like I have PTSD about honesty with him since all his past deceptions have hurt me so badly...
I am doing alanon... I am going to try and let go of his recovery... he's been talking to his sponsor a lot since our argument and working meetings... he's doing the 4th step soon. I had an idea that maybe the trip would be a good thing... he's very attached to these people since they are his friends from childhood and basically his family... He's already disillusioned with them but still holding on to the idea that they love him. But he's changed and they haven't. Being the sober guy among a bunch of drunks can't be fun.
He is not working but living off savings (paying about 25% of our rent and half the expenses). He's had 3 interviews this week so he'll probably be working soon. His friends are also subsidizing his trip.
Funny thing about his friends... they all abandoned him the first time he hit rock bottom and they are subtly contemptuous and mocking his recovery... but HE STILL HANGS ON to them - even just the idea of them. I guess it's his issue to bear and understand.
I am going to Mexico for a week to meditate, read, sleep, eat lobster, and hang out with my girlfriend. I am getting to a place with him where I am not filled with anxiety about letting him go.
Alanon is a miracle... I'm still trying to live the first step and really accept the fact that I cannot control his illness. So if he wants to go, he can go and deal with what comes. I am prepared to leave if he relapses as I will never live with an active addict again. If he does, it will be obvious.. he's a completely different person when he's active.
Sorry about the rambling... much peace and love to you all... thank you for being here
I am doing alanon... I am going to try and let go of his recovery... he's been talking to his sponsor a lot since our argument and working meetings... he's doing the 4th step soon. I had an idea that maybe the trip would be a good thing... he's very attached to these people since they are his friends from childhood and basically his family... He's already disillusioned with them but still holding on to the idea that they love him. But he's changed and they haven't. Being the sober guy among a bunch of drunks can't be fun.
He is not working but living off savings (paying about 25% of our rent and half the expenses). He's had 3 interviews this week so he'll probably be working soon. His friends are also subsidizing his trip.
Funny thing about his friends... they all abandoned him the first time he hit rock bottom and they are subtly contemptuous and mocking his recovery... but HE STILL HANGS ON to them - even just the idea of them. I guess it's his issue to bear and understand.
I am going to Mexico for a week to meditate, read, sleep, eat lobster, and hang out with my girlfriend. I am getting to a place with him where I am not filled with anxiety about letting him go.
Alanon is a miracle... I'm still trying to live the first step and really accept the fact that I cannot control his illness. So if he wants to go, he can go and deal with what comes. I am prepared to leave if he relapses as I will never live with an active addict again. If he does, it will be obvious.. he's a completely different person when he's active.
Sorry about the rambling... much peace and love to you all... thank you for being here
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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I am going to Mexico for a week to meditate, read, sleep, eat lobster, and hang out with my girlfriend. I am getting to a place with him where I am not filled with anxiety about letting him go.
Alanon is a miracle... I'm still trying to live the first step and really accept the fact that I cannot control his illness. So if he wants to go, he can go and deal with what comes. I am prepared to leave if he relapses as I will never live with an active addict again.
Bravo!!!
P.S. to add: I wanna go!!!!
Alanon is a miracle... I'm still trying to live the first step and really accept the fact that I cannot control his illness. So if he wants to go, he can go and deal with what comes. I am prepared to leave if he relapses as I will never live with an active addict again.
Bravo!!!
P.S. to add: I wanna go!!!!
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