AH Clean over 5 years - still need help please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 2
AH Clean over 5 years - still need help please
So I am new here - my marriage almost fell apart due to addiction. I gave him one chance and he took it. Quit drugs but continued to drink. Life was hell - he would follow me around, crave attention, get paranoid, accuse me of having affairs if I was late etc. Then when enough was enough, he started the program and really started to clean up his act. It was hard for a while but not as hard without the program.
Here we are years later and that horrible personality has reared its ugly head once again. He isn't using BUT the mistreatment I get is insane. He behaves like he hates me but still gets mad if there isn't enough sex. He calls me names in front of our kids but still says I belittle him by saying he hates me in front if them. Isn't calling me an a##hole also belittling?
I never know what I am going to get. He is controlling to the 3 of us. If one of us doesn't want to do something he threatens us. To me: "Fine, you life those heavy boxes upstairs" so Ihave no choice but to do what he wants if I need the boxes moved. To the kids: "Fine, I'm not going to come and watch you play sports this weekend" so they have no choice but to do what he wants. It all head games.
I think we have been through enough.
Silly enough I do love him very much and most times, he is fun and helpful and I am so proud that he is clean. At the same time, when he's bad - man he IS bad!! He's just mean. If his sponser or co-worker calls, even 2 seconds after he calls me an a##hole, He is sweet as pie. My young daughter started to realize it too.
Today he said to her - I always go and practice with you but you never do anything I want to do. She sais, OK, let's just go to the park and play. He said "I don't want to go to the park to play". She looked confused so I said to him - "isn't spending time something you want to do" and he didn't answer. Before he left I heard my daughter say to him "Dad, I'm sorry I never want to do anything you want to do". It BROKE MY HEART!!! Why the hell is SHE apologizing for this??? I am letting himdo this to her and my son and I just don't know what to do at this point.
Is there anyone out there who can help me with this. At times life is good but others it's more like a life sentence.
Here we are years later and that horrible personality has reared its ugly head once again. He isn't using BUT the mistreatment I get is insane. He behaves like he hates me but still gets mad if there isn't enough sex. He calls me names in front of our kids but still says I belittle him by saying he hates me in front if them. Isn't calling me an a##hole also belittling?
I never know what I am going to get. He is controlling to the 3 of us. If one of us doesn't want to do something he threatens us. To me: "Fine, you life those heavy boxes upstairs" so Ihave no choice but to do what he wants if I need the boxes moved. To the kids: "Fine, I'm not going to come and watch you play sports this weekend" so they have no choice but to do what he wants. It all head games.
I think we have been through enough.
Silly enough I do love him very much and most times, he is fun and helpful and I am so proud that he is clean. At the same time, when he's bad - man he IS bad!! He's just mean. If his sponser or co-worker calls, even 2 seconds after he calls me an a##hole, He is sweet as pie. My young daughter started to realize it too.
Today he said to her - I always go and practice with you but you never do anything I want to do. She sais, OK, let's just go to the park and play. He said "I don't want to go to the park to play". She looked confused so I said to him - "isn't spending time something you want to do" and he didn't answer. Before he left I heard my daughter say to him "Dad, I'm sorry I never want to do anything you want to do". It BROKE MY HEART!!! Why the hell is SHE apologizing for this??? I am letting himdo this to her and my son and I just don't know what to do at this point.
Is there anyone out there who can help me with this. At times life is good but others it's more like a life sentence.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
There is a saying that goes something like...if you wring the alcohol out of an asshat, you're left with an asshat. Meaning, sometimes, people are just asshats, whether they are drinking or using drugs or not.
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Is this how you want your beautiful children to grow up?
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Is this how you want your beautiful children to grow up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by suki44883 
There is a saying that goes something like...if you wring the alcohol out of an asshat, you're left with an asshat. Meaning, sometimes, people are just asshats, whether they are drinking or using drugs or not.
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Is this how you want your beautiful children to grow up?
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Is this how you want your beautiful children to grow up?
Why now after all this time?
No I don't want to live my life like this but i literally have no where to go and when I was planning to leave before he told me I'd never see the kids again. At this point I am trapped I guess but just need to be strong enough to take the brunt of it all.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Family counseling??? Sounds like he is a master at manipulation - making everything look like it's not his fault. I don't know what to tell you, but it doesn't sound very pleasant if this happens with any regularity. He may not realize what he is doing is really causing harm. I wish he would go with you all to counseling. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
It sounds like you need to set some boundaries. What is OK for you to accept from your husband? Is it OK for him to curse in front of your kids? Is it OK for you both to argue in front of your kids?
It sounds like u have a classic case of codie trying to keep the peace syndrome! I'm sorry you are dealing with this in your family, however if nothing changes . . .nothing changes!
We all take steps backwards but you have already taken a big step in the right direction by recognizing it!
(((Hugs))))
It sounds like u have a classic case of codie trying to keep the peace syndrome! I'm sorry you are dealing with this in your family, however if nothing changes . . .nothing changes!
We all take steps backwards but you have already taken a big step in the right direction by recognizing it!
(((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Your husband's addiction is out of the way but your marriage is still not as you would have it be. Marriage Builders website has lots of great ideas. Maybe this article will be helpful to you:
Can a Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse? Letter #1
Marriage counseling seems to me to be in order.
Can a Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse? Letter #1
Marriage counseling seems to me to be in order.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
This man is abusing you. Period. End of Story. Whether he is an addict, sober, in recovery of whatever he is.....he is an abuser.
I was shocked the first time that someone told me the same thing - but it was true. Someone controlling, threatening, manipulating, name calling, withholding, and MEAN is what an abuser is.
The tough part of it is that it is not necessarily all of the time. Alanon/Naranon can help you develop boundaries and self esteem. But it can't help you live with someone that can be - and periodically is - abusive to you and your children.
Please look into some of the information that describes what abuse is and how to recognize an abuser.
Abusive behavior escalates - which is probably why you are seeing this. This is a horrible relationship model for your kids. When you stay with someone that abuses you (even if it's intermittantly) you are teaching your kids to either abuse or be abused.
There is hope if he is willing to get help - but it sounds like he is not even recognizing what his behavior is......abusive.
Setting boundaries and learning about abuse are imperative in this sort of situation.
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this - I definitely know what it is like and it can make you feel like you are crazy or that you just need to try harder. Please don't fall for that....you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect 100% of the time....not 90%, not 50%, no 95%....but 100%.....
I was shocked the first time that someone told me the same thing - but it was true. Someone controlling, threatening, manipulating, name calling, withholding, and MEAN is what an abuser is.
The tough part of it is that it is not necessarily all of the time. Alanon/Naranon can help you develop boundaries and self esteem. But it can't help you live with someone that can be - and periodically is - abusive to you and your children.
Please look into some of the information that describes what abuse is and how to recognize an abuser.
Abusive behavior escalates - which is probably why you are seeing this. This is a horrible relationship model for your kids. When you stay with someone that abuses you (even if it's intermittantly) you are teaching your kids to either abuse or be abused.
There is hope if he is willing to get help - but it sounds like he is not even recognizing what his behavior is......abusive.
Setting boundaries and learning about abuse are imperative in this sort of situation.
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this - I definitely know what it is like and it can make you feel like you are crazy or that you just need to try harder. Please don't fall for that....you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect 100% of the time....not 90%, not 50%, no 95%....but 100%.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 10
I am having the same problem with my bf of over 3 years. He was a Meth addict for 5 years, got clean, and has been clean for 9 years. But still acts like an *******. HE thinks he is nice, sweet, giving, caring and all the rest of that crap. But when a situation bothers him, his whole body tenses up, he gets the bad look on his face, the bad body position, the bad tone of voice, and causes such a disturbance in the house that I don't want to live here. He doesn't curse (usually) but he controls me and what goes on in the house with this behavior. Then he snaps out of it and wants to be treated as if he hadn't done it. I have learned to call him on it. He then tries to act sorry for himself, talk to the pets sweetly, and anything to get me to forget what he has just done, and even blames ME for what he did. It happens so fast and he pulls the switch on the behavior so fast that I was almost buying that I had some part in it. But I don't. I'm basically peaceful and loving and just want a positive, friendly home. What I'm not getting from him. I go around with bags under my eyes because ANYTHING can pull the trigger with him and trigger an argument complete with cursing, hatred and enough bad feeling to ruin the rest of the day. Then that night he comes crawling back for forgiveness, acting like a sweet little lamb. I go around with dark circles under my eyes all the time, never knowing when a day will be great or horrible.
This is a man who has been clean for 9 years, but jumps if someone walks behind his chair, or if someone randomly touches him or touches him accidentally, or if a sales clerk asks him a normal question like "may I help you?", or anything else normal. Other times songs he doesn't care for heard in a grocery store could be the trigger, or a food he doesn't like, or anything that someone says. I didn't read the signs while we were dating and now I've ended up with this.
THANKFULLY there are no children involved in this situation. I grew up in a very abusive household, so I have received enough counseling to know that if this behavior is exhibited to children then the guy's got to go. But I didn't save myself. Why didn't I push the panic button after 6 months or so and get out? This relationship has cost me a lot of opportunity- energy spent on this guy, fighting, and his problems rather than bettering myself and my finical future.
I have told him to find a place to live other than with me and then he threatenes to tank our business that I have put 3 years into, that is finally starting to go well now that I took control of it. He keeps worming his way back in after particularly bad episodes by acting nice, sweet and vulnerable again. Then when it happens he is told to leave again. He has cleaned up some of his behavior but definitely not all. I think this relationship is circling the drain and is destined to fail, and I just haven't severed the ties all the way yet. It's not easy to break over 3 years of habits, and it CERTAINLY must be hard to break *12* years of habits. But my advice is to do it. Break those habits, get that M.F. out of there before he affects your kids so negatively that they get in all kinds of trouble when they grow up. That is what happened in my case. If my mom would have got rid of the man who was acting this way (only WORSE) in my house, I perhaps would have had a much easier path through the world. As it is, my path has included drug experimentation (luckily I didn't like it and it didn't lead to addiction), incarceration, social problems and problems holding jobs and getting along with people, and abusive relationships. Do you want to possibly push others down a similar path? PLEASE, give them and yourself a brake and lose the loser.
This is a man who has been clean for 9 years, but jumps if someone walks behind his chair, or if someone randomly touches him or touches him accidentally, or if a sales clerk asks him a normal question like "may I help you?", or anything else normal. Other times songs he doesn't care for heard in a grocery store could be the trigger, or a food he doesn't like, or anything that someone says. I didn't read the signs while we were dating and now I've ended up with this.
THANKFULLY there are no children involved in this situation. I grew up in a very abusive household, so I have received enough counseling to know that if this behavior is exhibited to children then the guy's got to go. But I didn't save myself. Why didn't I push the panic button after 6 months or so and get out? This relationship has cost me a lot of opportunity- energy spent on this guy, fighting, and his problems rather than bettering myself and my finical future.
I have told him to find a place to live other than with me and then he threatenes to tank our business that I have put 3 years into, that is finally starting to go well now that I took control of it. He keeps worming his way back in after particularly bad episodes by acting nice, sweet and vulnerable again. Then when it happens he is told to leave again. He has cleaned up some of his behavior but definitely not all. I think this relationship is circling the drain and is destined to fail, and I just haven't severed the ties all the way yet. It's not easy to break over 3 years of habits, and it CERTAINLY must be hard to break *12* years of habits. But my advice is to do it. Break those habits, get that M.F. out of there before he affects your kids so negatively that they get in all kinds of trouble when they grow up. That is what happened in my case. If my mom would have got rid of the man who was acting this way (only WORSE) in my house, I perhaps would have had a much easier path through the world. As it is, my path has included drug experimentation (luckily I didn't like it and it didn't lead to addiction), incarceration, social problems and problems holding jobs and getting along with people, and abusive relationships. Do you want to possibly push others down a similar path? PLEASE, give them and yourself a brake and lose the loser.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by trixie21
No I don't want to live my life like this but i literally have no where to go and when I was planning to leave before he told me I'd never see the kids again. At this point I am trapped I guess but just need to be strong enough to take the brunt of it all.
"Stay together for the kids" is for the weak and unprepared. Prepare yourself.
If you can't summon up some self respect for yourself, for gods sake, please do it for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You will find the descriptions of your abusive partners in the book "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. And some advice in there as well.
The number for domestic violence, which includes threatening behavior and intimidation, is 1-800-799-SAFE.
The number for domestic violence, which includes threatening behavior and intimidation, is 1-800-799-SAFE.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry for your struggles with him. Put simply: It's all about power and control. This wheel may help you identify the damage being done to the "insides" of all of you, children especially. Pleasing difficult men is something we girls start doing very, very early. It is so hard to break it, find boundaries, live a full life in harmony with another who respects and loves us for who we are, not what we do for him/her.
My AD witnessed behaviors like both of you mentioned when she was under 12. It was not acceptable to me to allow myself to be mistreated. It was this wheel (which I had been teaching/sharing for 4 years in a college class!) that FINALLY helped me see that I was living in a bad situation. I left & got full custody. He never hit me or the girls. Domestic violence is rarely about being physically assaulted. That's the end result sometimes of someone not getting "his way" when all other routes have failed.
www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
And the book EnglishGarden mentions was extremely helpful for me. The man who wrote it spent decades working with abusive men and this is his incredible contribution to understanding the types of abuse/abusers. It is almost entirely mind games.
I don't mean to sound harsh or prescriptive, but do think seriously about the impact on your children. It is devastating what this does to them and becomes deeply engrained in their psyches. Besides couples therapy, counseling for the kids alone is something I can say really helped my youngest. I hope you find some solace and ideas here -- so much good advice from everyone. Peace.
My AD witnessed behaviors like both of you mentioned when she was under 12. It was not acceptable to me to allow myself to be mistreated. It was this wheel (which I had been teaching/sharing for 4 years in a college class!) that FINALLY helped me see that I was living in a bad situation. I left & got full custody. He never hit me or the girls. Domestic violence is rarely about being physically assaulted. That's the end result sometimes of someone not getting "his way" when all other routes have failed.
www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
And the book EnglishGarden mentions was extremely helpful for me. The man who wrote it spent decades working with abusive men and this is his incredible contribution to understanding the types of abuse/abusers. It is almost entirely mind games.
I don't mean to sound harsh or prescriptive, but do think seriously about the impact on your children. It is devastating what this does to them and becomes deeply engrained in their psyches. Besides couples therapy, counseling for the kids alone is something I can say really helped my youngest. I hope you find some solace and ideas here -- so much good advice from everyone. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
(((OMG I know but we have been married 12 years and it was never bad unless he was using. One of the other sponsees told me that part of the recovery is dealing with this thinking of self absorbing and narcisism but Lord help me gwt through this.
Why now after all this time?)))
This is just a question, but are you sure he's not using again??
Why now after all this time?)))
This is just a question, but are you sure he's not using again??
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by BeavsDad
That's not strength, it's giving up, and being a terrible role model.
"Stay together for the kids" is for the weak and unprepared. Prepare yourself.
If you can't summon up some self respect for yourself, for gods sake, please do it for the kids.
"Stay together for the kids" is for the weak and unprepared. Prepare yourself.
If you can't summon up some self respect for yourself, for gods sake, please do it for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
You sound beat!
Take a moment. Regroup. Start small.
Read the stickies on both alcohol and drugs friends and family forums.
They are at the top of each FORUM.
You have come to a good place.
There are people on here who have a wealth of knowledge and love to give you.
There will be the odd hotheaded response, but they are all well meant.
One thing struck me big time about your post,
He is not clean. Sober means off all mind altering substances. Not switching out one for another. That is why it is a huge undertaking to get SOBER.
Marriage counseling is kind of pointless if one person is not mentally sound due to substance abuse.
Get some rest for now and get some help from someone. Do not ever think you are alone. There are people who devote their lives to helping people like you.
People do care.
Take care.
Take a moment. Regroup. Start small.
Read the stickies on both alcohol and drugs friends and family forums.
They are at the top of each FORUM.
You have come to a good place.
There are people on here who have a wealth of knowledge and love to give you.
There will be the odd hotheaded response, but they are all well meant.
One thing struck me big time about your post,
He is not clean. Sober means off all mind altering substances. Not switching out one for another. That is why it is a huge undertaking to get SOBER.
Marriage counseling is kind of pointless if one person is not mentally sound due to substance abuse.
Get some rest for now and get some help from someone. Do not ever think you are alone. There are people who devote their lives to helping people like you.
People do care.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by englishgarden
you will find the descriptions of your abusive partners in the book "why does he do that: Inside the mind of angry and controlling men" by lundy bancroft. And some advice in there as well.
The number for domestic violence, which includes threatening behavior and intimidation, is 1-800-799-safe.
The number for domestic violence, which includes threatening behavior and intimidation, is 1-800-799-safe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Please, please, please listen to the loving suggestions that have been posted. Emotional/verbal abuse can be even more deadly to the soul/psyche than physical. There are organizations, agencies, individuals, even local faith communities that can help you and your children find a safe place to live. There are attorneys who offer their services free of charge to women in your situation. You are not alone, and there is help available. Please look into it.
Your children would also benefit from counseling. You can ask for help from their school's guidance department, even a teacher if you're comfortable doing that.
I am praying for you. Please keep posting!
Your children would also benefit from counseling. You can ask for help from their school's guidance department, even a teacher if you're comfortable doing that.
I am praying for you. Please keep posting!
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