HangOn

I'm new to this forum, and I was just looking for other people who know more so what my family and I are going through. I have friends to talk to, but it's so hard to make them understand. And it's not their fault, it's just something that unless you are going through or have been through, you really can't fathom what it's like.
My little brother use to be my best friend, we did everything together growing up. And ever since he started using in high school, he was about 17 at the time, he has never been the same. He's only 21 now, but has already been to two different types of rehab. One of we were sure would work. He's been out of that rehab for about a year now and he's still using off and on. The longer he's been out of rehab the worse the using is getting, yet again. If this isn't stopped now, the lying, cheating, and heartbreak will happen all over again and I have a feeling it'll be worse this time.
But my parents dont' exaclty see eye to eye on how to solve this issue. My father believes that being nice and trying to hold his hand through this whole thing will make him stop using. My mom, believes it's time for some tough love, and to kick him out of the house. My instinct tells me to go with what my mom is suggesting. We've already tried the nice route, and all it led to was blaming us for his addiction. I'm not sure that route will work again. My little brother is insistent on trying to convience us that this time, all he needs is more love. But how can you believe that when you've tried it before and all it did was lead us to trust him more, so he could hurt us even more when the lies and deciet didn't stop?
What's been you're guys experience with this. When do you know if this can be fixed? How do you know when to believe in hope again?
I'm so frustrated with trying to keep peace in a house thats on the edge of a war zone. :burns

kmangel

My son came out of rehab and landed in our house after having lived four years on his own only to sit around and feel sorry for his situation for seven very long months. It was me, not his father, that began to set boundaries. Our son moved out, got a job, and seems to be doing well now. It was the living here in our home that was keeping him from doing what he needed to be doing. Adult children need to be out from under their parents' watchful eye. It is so much better now to not know our son's every movement. I have sighed many sighs of relief since he moved out. I agree with your mother. Tough love is the only way to go.

outtolunch

Rehabs don't work.

Best case, a rehab can teach a highly motivated guest some of the tools of recovery. It's up to the addict to apply to tools or not. In other words, sobriety and recovery is an inside job.

You have no more control over your parents than you do your brother.
If all it took was love, none of us would be here.
Parents are quite capable of loving their children into an early grave.

Parents needs boundaries for their adult children. " We will not allow someone in active addiction or early recovery to live in our home" is a reasonable boundary that protects the family and their stuff. A boundary does not attempt to control anyone's behavior. Your brother is going to live his life as he sees fit no matter what the family does, says or not.

"Don't Let Your Adult Kids Kill You- A guide for parents of addicted/alcoholic children" is a book that might be useful to your family.

Check out the " stickies" at the top of this forum page for all sorts of educational reading.

Vale

..Nothing is more difficult,and therefore more precious,than to be
able to decide. (Napoleon Bonaparte)

(Total inside job.They have to want it.All else is but dust and air.
Rehabs are tool schools,teaching motivated builders HOW to build.
The WILL to build must come from within.)

zoso77

If that were truly the case, I doubt this board would even exist. We all loved the addicts in our life and, to one degree or another, bent over backwards to try to help, or fix, them. Giving more love simply doesn't work.

As far as what "fixes" things...the only thing that can fix your brother is his total committment to recovery. You can't fix him. Nor can your parents. He has to want to embrace recovery. And if he doesn't want to, then there's nothing you or anyone can do.

I would encourage both you and your parents to attend a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. You all have to accept that you're powerless over your brother's addiction, and instead of focusing on him, you need to focus on you.

Best,
ZoSo

Vale

Zoso,

As concise as it gets.........

Thank You.

Judyw

Your story is somewhat similar to ours expect I am the parent in my case..but your view point could be my AS younger brother talking..
It is very sad because the as/ad is affecting the whole family and tearing everyone apart...the very people that care the most about them.
We have many years of enabling behind us but have made a decision to ask our son to leave as oflast week when we found out he has been using heroin. As of today he is still claiming that he hasn't used in 2 weeks (I don't believe him) and is asking to come home. He told me that he will NOT stop smoking MJ no matter what. I told him that we will help him seek treatment but as long as he is using ANY drugs ..even "just" MJ he cannot come home.
I keep reminding myself of the message that it is sending his younger brothers if we allow him to come home now...especially knowing that he will continue to smoke MJ.
I wish you and your family all the strength to stand by your choices...I do believe tough love is the way to go as well ..

crazybabie

What everyone has said is true I have nothing to add just wanted to say welcome to SR.

interrupted

Hi HangOn, welcome to SR.

My younger sister is the addict in our family, and I also have an enabling parent. The entire family dynamic revolves around what my sister is doing, what her latest drama is, whether she is using or not, on and on as I'm sure you're familiar with.

I ended up setting boundaries for myself with regard to my parents as well as my sister. I will not support her using in any way, and I will not engage with my mother regarding her continued enmeshment to my sister and all of the drama and blame shifting that that entails.

I encourage you to stick around, post, read the stickies, this place is a godsend. I also encourage you to talk to someone face to face about the frustration, anger, and hurt that comes with loving an addict. A counselor, Nar-anon/Al-anon group, personal psychologist, whatever. It would be great if your parents would go as well, but I know that's their decision. My mother decided not to go.

Your situation sucks, but you are not alone.

HangOn

Thanks for the advice It's so frustrating to know that you really can't help someone who is addicted. I love my brother so much but it seems this isn't enough for him to want to stop using. It's heartbreakig to know that an addiction can control you're entire life and unless YOU want to stop, you're family and friends can't help. Especially when they are convinced they don't have a problem. They are so good at making it seem like you are the crazy one, my little brother has that down to a T. I just want to not have to worry every time I go out with my brother if he's high or not. At home I can seclude myself away from him when he's using, but if I go somewhere with him and he's high, well there's no where for me to go. It hurts too much to be around that.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Hangon, thank you for sharing. I have three kids and my oldest son is my addict. I value hearing from brothers and sisters of addicts because I have been guilty of putting the addicts needs first and trying to manage the family balance. It wasnt until my oldest son committed a direct theft against both of my kids (necklace and video game set) that I saw what was happening to my two younger kids. We have gone no contact since my son has spiraled so severely out of control. I know that if he ever gets clean, the kids would love to welcome him back, but as a heroin addict, he is NOT welcome in their lives or mine.
Stick to your boundaries. Love your brother by stating what you will and will not stand for in YOUR life.
Keep reading, so much knowledge and support is here for you
Teresa