lost0311

So.... My AH was suppose to have this truck driving job, well he just came back from his orientation because he needs a doctor note saying that he can lift over 125lbs. Not going to happen I fear. After back surgery last Sept. the doctor said his manual labor days are over. Now of course he calls cuz he needs a ride from the grey hound station. UGH!! so of course i make the call to his brother to go get him, cuz lord knows I really did not want to help him. So today we get into another argument. I am one of those people who wants things now not later. He said he has no room in his heart for me. so I assume this means we are getting divorced. I tell him then lets get together to talk... Dissolution is much cheaper if we can come to agreeable terms. Well this of course starts a fight. He wants to wait until he gets a job and is dragging his feet over the details and of course we cant agree on anything. One of the reasons I left him to begin with. Throughout the conversation he tells me Im crazy and askes if I am on meds yet. He ridiculs my family who has only ever been there for him and tried to help and has put a roof over our heads when he spent all our money on drugs. He made me feel like I left him high and dry by leaving him and that I am the one who needs help because I am co-dependant on my family. I feel so alone. I miss him and hate him all at the same time. Why did I leave he was about to be over the road. Why does his dagers dig so deep. Why is it so hard to move on with my own life and stop worrying about WHY everything happens. I am frustrated and embarrassed and angry and sad all wrapped up into an anxiety of fear of the unknown!

crazybabie

You got that out which is good now take a deep breath...

If you can't come to any agreement which you said you can't why not just get an attorney if you have the means that will keep you from having to have contact about a divorce.
Trust me if I had the money I would have hired an attorney and filed for a divorce already.
Your going through enough if you can alleviate some of the agony do so.

EnglishGarden

Being anywhere near an addict de-stabilizes us. Your anxiety, fear, frustration, anger and sadness are normal. It is impossible to feel stable or to be stable when in relationship with a person in active addiction, unless one does intense work in Al-Anon and therapy. And even then, our stability rests on a slender thread.

You can't win. You will not win any power struggles with him. You will not be able to out-think him or outmaneuver him. You will not be able to coerce or to coax him. His brain is different. You cannot work with it. The notion that you can come to fair terms with him for a dissolution is not well-grounded because you are exhausted and he is brain-damaged.

I agree, consult a lawyer and place separation or divorce proceedings in legal hands and protect yourself from further verbal and emotional abuse from your husband. The abuse is breaking you. The daggers you speak of do tremendous damage.

You are too fragile and upset to be able to make clear-headed decisions about what is best for you regarding terms for ending the marriage. Find an attorney you can afford and get some rest and try to stay away from the AH.

zoso77

I wanted to answer this post last night, but I'm only getting a chance now.

None of what you've described is shocking to me in the slightest. But you said something I found interesting:

The reason why the daggers dig so deep is because you've made a huge emotional investment in him. Unfortunately, addicts are like vessels that have a huge hole in them: what you think you're filling is coming right back out. Your AH isn't just incapable of being a responsible, emotionally invested partner. He can't receive in a healthy way all you've given him. So, he gaslights you, he disparages you, and on and on it goes.

The good news in all of this is you can stop it, if you choose to. So, I'm reminding you that, yes, he lies. If his lips are moving, he's lying. Go back and read "What Addicts Do" as many times as you have to. It's time you take the stuff you've given him and give it back to yourself. If you keep trying to fill something that's got a huge hole in it, you'll go nuts. It's got to stop.

It's time you take care of you.

Be safe, and God Bless.

ZoSo

Vale

Thanks,Zoso.....terriffic analogy.

Trying to fill a vessel with a hole in it.

lost0311

Thank you. I needed that. It hurts and I know its going to hurt until the pain goes away. In the mean time I suppose the more space between us the better. Holding on to hope is what I have done the past 8 years. Its been really hard to retrain my brain. Especially when I have spent all my hope and energy the past 8 years trying to make him happy and sober. I wish I would have got on here years ago, but have been in denial. He has a heart, somewhere deep down he cares.... well at least I thought he did. At the end of the day the only way I will ever heal is if I let him go. Share the kids and pray he stays sober and gets a job.

FindingErica

Yep, reminds me of my AH, all excited he has a job, day comes to start the job and a bunch of excuses. Addicts lie unfortunately.