my boyfriend is a "recovering" heroin addict... help!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
In my reading, one book I have on alcoholism cites a study which concluded that it takes a spouse SEVEN YEARS from the time she realizes addiction is a problem in her marriage until she seeks outside help.
I have also read that once the partner of an addict begins attending Al-Anon, it still takes on average at least three years until the spouse is ready to change anything in the relationship. Even with weekly meetings.
These studies are, of course, not totally conclusive, but they do indicate that when the partner of an addict realizes her mate has a problem, it takes time for her to make any significant changes in the relationship. I have attended Al-Anon meetings for many years and I have seen this. And I lived it.
In Al-Anon there is a quote which sums up our progress: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
I believe the original poster is in the first stage and may not be able to leapfrog to the third.
So, futurecoltswife, please accept the suggestion to begin a twelve-step program of your own (AWARENESS),and get a sponsor right away (this is someone you can call and work through the addiction/codependency issues with). Please use condoms, please do not get pregnant, please stay in school, please do not rescue your addict. Again: DO NOT RESCUE YOUR ADDICT. Doing so helps keep him very sick. If his drug use creates problems for him, every addiction doctor in the world will tell you to let him suffer the consequences. It is misery which gets addicts clean.
We hope we can help you as more unfolds.
I have also read that once the partner of an addict begins attending Al-Anon, it still takes on average at least three years until the spouse is ready to change anything in the relationship. Even with weekly meetings.
These studies are, of course, not totally conclusive, but they do indicate that when the partner of an addict realizes her mate has a problem, it takes time for her to make any significant changes in the relationship. I have attended Al-Anon meetings for many years and I have seen this. And I lived it.
In Al-Anon there is a quote which sums up our progress: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
I believe the original poster is in the first stage and may not be able to leapfrog to the third.
So, futurecoltswife, please accept the suggestion to begin a twelve-step program of your own (AWARENESS),and get a sponsor right away (this is someone you can call and work through the addiction/codependency issues with). Please use condoms, please do not get pregnant, please stay in school, please do not rescue your addict. Again: DO NOT RESCUE YOUR ADDICT. Doing so helps keep him very sick. If his drug use creates problems for him, every addiction doctor in the world will tell you to let him suffer the consequences. It is misery which gets addicts clean.
We hope we can help you as more unfolds.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
we cannot offer you tips or advice on how to help your addict because that is an oxymoron and you are here on a site that is about helping codependents deal with their life...this site is not how to help addicts
there is a running joke in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous (I am a recovering alcoholic of 6.5 years...) that many of us entered into an AA program hoping that it might teach us how to "control our drinking"
it is the same kind of running joke in the rooms of al-anon/nar-anon many of us entered into those rooms desperate to find out how to help our loved ones who were alcoholic/addict...and this is the thing, that is not what alanon/naranon/SR is about...it is not about helping the addict
and why? because the alcoholic/addict has to want to help themselves or it just doesn't work!! you offer up that no one should have to do it alone...and that is so true, because recovery is a WE program...but the "WE" is that those who understand the addiction CAN help each other, and those that are the WE of codependency CAN help each other. but the active relationship between an enabling codependent and an active addict is UNHEALTHY. you have even started to "minimize" his using, saying that it has only been a couple of times
NO ONE should be sticking a needle full of smack into their veins EVER
it is NOT okay to be shooting up junk
one needle of heroin is all it takes to die
lives are ruined, totally ruined by heroin
and you are already trying to minimize it
you are already trying to say it's not that bad
and why? because you want to keep him, you want to hold on to him
so you don't want to become a consequence, you don't want to lose this love you have found
this is the thing...so so so so so many of us have been EXACTLY where you are at, and we TOTALLY understand how painful, bewildering, frustrating and heartbreaking it can be
it is REALLY hard to wrap your head around it, and you will never really "understand" addiction...one of the best things you will probably come to understand is that there isn't any explanation...that you have to let that other person live their life, and they have to suffer the consequences if and when they are ever to wake up and do the hard work to change their life
please understand that many of us will not be interested in trying to give you any tips on how to help him...because they don't exist
the best tips we can give you are going to be about how to take care of yourself...and the more you detach and take care of yourself the better it will be for him
oftentimes our leaving becomes the best thing we can do for ourselves AND the addict and for me there was some grace in that at least
I wish you all the best, you are so young and have so many years ahead, and so much to learn about relationships...even in the very best case scenario they are still so extremely difficult, and this one that you are in has heroin included in it...
that is quite a coffin nail for the relationship
you don't have to prove anyone wrong.
there is a running joke in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous (I am a recovering alcoholic of 6.5 years...) that many of us entered into an AA program hoping that it might teach us how to "control our drinking"
it is the same kind of running joke in the rooms of al-anon/nar-anon many of us entered into those rooms desperate to find out how to help our loved ones who were alcoholic/addict...and this is the thing, that is not what alanon/naranon/SR is about...it is not about helping the addict
and why? because the alcoholic/addict has to want to help themselves or it just doesn't work!! you offer up that no one should have to do it alone...and that is so true, because recovery is a WE program...but the "WE" is that those who understand the addiction CAN help each other, and those that are the WE of codependency CAN help each other. but the active relationship between an enabling codependent and an active addict is UNHEALTHY. you have even started to "minimize" his using, saying that it has only been a couple of times
NO ONE should be sticking a needle full of smack into their veins EVER
it is NOT okay to be shooting up junk
one needle of heroin is all it takes to die
lives are ruined, totally ruined by heroin
and you are already trying to minimize it
you are already trying to say it's not that bad
and why? because you want to keep him, you want to hold on to him
so you don't want to become a consequence, you don't want to lose this love you have found
this is the thing...so so so so so many of us have been EXACTLY where you are at, and we TOTALLY understand how painful, bewildering, frustrating and heartbreaking it can be
it is REALLY hard to wrap your head around it, and you will never really "understand" addiction...one of the best things you will probably come to understand is that there isn't any explanation...that you have to let that other person live their life, and they have to suffer the consequences if and when they are ever to wake up and do the hard work to change their life
please understand that many of us will not be interested in trying to give you any tips on how to help him...because they don't exist
the best tips we can give you are going to be about how to take care of yourself...and the more you detach and take care of yourself the better it will be for him
oftentimes our leaving becomes the best thing we can do for ourselves AND the addict and for me there was some grace in that at least
I wish you all the best, you are so young and have so many years ahead, and so much to learn about relationships...even in the very best case scenario they are still so extremely difficult, and this one that you are in has heroin included in it...
that is quite a coffin nail for the relationship
you don't have to prove anyone wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
As far as I can tell from your posts I don't see any indication that your boyfriend wants to be drug free. He avoids talking about it. If this is his stance right now--that he has no problem using yet you don't want to be with a user, then why are you with him? It won't get better until he wants it to get better. It will get worse. What he enjoys today will not suffice later. He will need more to achieve the high he seeks. The day will come where he doesn't even get high but he has to keep using to avoid feeling sick. It will be agonizing not to use and use often. I remember naively telling my addicted son not to use drugs since he was going to rehab in a couple days. I had no idea what it was like for him not to use.
Be honest with yourself. Unless your boyfriend is actively seeking recovery from drug addiction, then you are setting yourself up to be with a drug addict. You have said you can't do that yet you are. You can't have it both ways. There is a truth to your situation. Don't fall for what is a lie you are telling yourself.
Be honest with yourself. Unless your boyfriend is actively seeking recovery from drug addiction, then you are setting yourself up to be with a drug addict. You have said you can't do that yet you are. You can't have it both ways. There is a truth to your situation. Don't fall for what is a lie you are telling yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
My ASD is also addicted to heroin. She has had clean time. She goes through stretches where she looks pretty good. Now, she is in jail. She stole money from strangers and people who love her to support her habit.
If you could love someone clean, then all of our lived ones would be in recovery.
Have you read Codependent No More yet? That book really helps me.
If you could love someone clean, then all of our lived ones would be in recovery.
Have you read Codependent No More yet? That book really helps me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Go here and read this article
This is about my EXABF.
Maybe It Was the Stolen Shopping Cart that Gave Them Away : BPDNEWS.COM
Despite the fact that he spend that night with a guy with the same name as the one he was arrested with, despite the fact that the police SAW HIM, despite the fact that I knew deep down he was lying, my ABF convinced me that he didn't do this crime.
I mean really believed him when he said he didn't do it. I just though this guy who loves me couldn't have done that he has so much going for him he wouldn't throw it all away... I thought I knew him too, better then anyone...but you can't know an addict.
I really really believed him. When you read that do you think I was wrong? Do you think I was crazy to actually read that article and think the police had it wrong? Do you think damn how can she thinks that when the evidence is right there?
Well I believed it.
That's how good of a liar he was. He somehow made me question what was right in front of my face.
Most addicts do.
Sorry I keep posting here. I know you don't want to really hear what we have to say because I didn't either. I'm just saying I blinded myself for months because I didn't want to see who he really is. Turns out this is it.
This is about my EXABF.
Maybe It Was the Stolen Shopping Cart that Gave Them Away : BPDNEWS.COM
Despite the fact that he spend that night with a guy with the same name as the one he was arrested with, despite the fact that the police SAW HIM, despite the fact that I knew deep down he was lying, my ABF convinced me that he didn't do this crime.
I mean really believed him when he said he didn't do it. I just though this guy who loves me couldn't have done that he has so much going for him he wouldn't throw it all away... I thought I knew him too, better then anyone...but you can't know an addict.
I really really believed him. When you read that do you think I was wrong? Do you think I was crazy to actually read that article and think the police had it wrong? Do you think damn how can she thinks that when the evidence is right there?
Well I believed it.
That's how good of a liar he was. He somehow made me question what was right in front of my face.
Most addicts do.
Sorry I keep posting here. I know you don't want to really hear what we have to say because I didn't either. I'm just saying I blinded myself for months because I didn't want to see who he really is. Turns out this is it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He does not need your "help." A heroin addict is not looking for help, he is looking for an enabler and a source of funds to pay for heroin.
Heroin addicts make horrible spouses and horrible parents.
And yes, they ARE all the same. You have no idea how stunted they are but I'm betting you'll soon find out.
My advice to you is get your head out of your azz, start learning about what it means when someone is a heroin addict, or move on and find a BF who is not an addict. You think he needs you to "get better," but he doesn't.
Heroin addicts make horrible spouses and horrible parents.
And yes, they ARE all the same. You have no idea how stunted they are but I'm betting you'll soon find out.
My advice to you is get your head out of your azz, start learning about what it means when someone is a heroin addict, or move on and find a BF who is not an addict. You think he needs you to "get better," but he doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
Well hello there.
I am the girlfriend of a recovering heroin addict. I'm 22 years old. My boyfriend is 24. I thought that I could be the one to save him, I thought I could keep him sober. I really believed that if I just stayed with him, and was his rock, and support system, he would get clean and stay clean and we would live happily ever after.
I just want to tell you that I understand what you're going through. I get it. I've been there. I wanted to stay. And I did.
My boyfriend was clean for 2 years when I met him. About 6 months into our relationship. I found out he had relapsed, but it was only occasionally and wasn't affecting his life or mine until months later. I really thought that I wouldn't experience the hurt and the pain that these people have gone through because my boyfriend was different and he wouldn't let his addiction spiral out of control and he sure as hell wouldn't hurt me or do anything to upset me. I thought that I was more important to him than his addiction was. I was so wrong.
He progressed to using heroin everyday for about 3 months and I stayed with him. I watched him destroy his entire life and there was absolutely nothing I could do. It was like I was watching someone kill themselves. Addiction is the slowest form of suicide. I was so broken. I started thinking there was something wrong with ME. I spent days on end in bed, didn't eat, wasn't strong enough to pull myself out of bed to face the day. I couldn't face the reality that had become my life. I cried, begged, yelled, and then cried again. Every day. I became completely consumed by his addiction and what he needed and what I could do to help. And the saddest part about it, was that I couldn't do anything to help. I had nothing to do with it.
He went through 2 detoxes and spent 5 months in a sober house. I was alone for so long because he was either high, or he was trying to get clean.
And I'm STILL going through it. He's clean but I still have these anxiety attacks and worry that he's going to use again. I just have to keep reminding myself that there's nothing I can do about it. If he wants to use, he's going to use. If he wants to stay clean, he'll stay clean. I'm not powerful enough to prevent someone from doing anything.
And it hurts, and it tears me apart at the seams, and I constantly second guess my decision to stay. And people who have never been in a situation like this, just don't get it. People tell me I'm crazy, that I deserve better, that he's always just going to be a junkie. And yet, I stay because I still think he can get better. A drug addiction is a drug addiction, any way you slice it...but heroin, known as the king of all drugs, is the hardest to kick. The statistics for people who have successfully recovered, and have strong, lasting, recovery from heroin, is slim to none. It's just the facts.
I don't want to leave my boyfriend, I'm not ready to do that yet. Maybe I haven't fallen on my face hard enough. Maybe you haven't either. Maybe you haven't even tripped yet. And I'm not saying that you will experience everything that we have all gone through, maybe you won't have to go through this. But just know that addiction is very real, and there's nothing you can do to keep someone sober. He has to want it. Don't put too much faith in his words. Watch his actions. You'll see red flags if you open your eyes. Just be aware. And read. Read about addiction, read about what it does to the user physically and emotionally. Knowledge is your best weapon against this.
I really do wish you the best. Keep posting. We all understand.
I am the girlfriend of a recovering heroin addict. I'm 22 years old. My boyfriend is 24. I thought that I could be the one to save him, I thought I could keep him sober. I really believed that if I just stayed with him, and was his rock, and support system, he would get clean and stay clean and we would live happily ever after.
I just want to tell you that I understand what you're going through. I get it. I've been there. I wanted to stay. And I did.
My boyfriend was clean for 2 years when I met him. About 6 months into our relationship. I found out he had relapsed, but it was only occasionally and wasn't affecting his life or mine until months later. I really thought that I wouldn't experience the hurt and the pain that these people have gone through because my boyfriend was different and he wouldn't let his addiction spiral out of control and he sure as hell wouldn't hurt me or do anything to upset me. I thought that I was more important to him than his addiction was. I was so wrong.
He progressed to using heroin everyday for about 3 months and I stayed with him. I watched him destroy his entire life and there was absolutely nothing I could do. It was like I was watching someone kill themselves. Addiction is the slowest form of suicide. I was so broken. I started thinking there was something wrong with ME. I spent days on end in bed, didn't eat, wasn't strong enough to pull myself out of bed to face the day. I couldn't face the reality that had become my life. I cried, begged, yelled, and then cried again. Every day. I became completely consumed by his addiction and what he needed and what I could do to help. And the saddest part about it, was that I couldn't do anything to help. I had nothing to do with it.
He went through 2 detoxes and spent 5 months in a sober house. I was alone for so long because he was either high, or he was trying to get clean.
And I'm STILL going through it. He's clean but I still have these anxiety attacks and worry that he's going to use again. I just have to keep reminding myself that there's nothing I can do about it. If he wants to use, he's going to use. If he wants to stay clean, he'll stay clean. I'm not powerful enough to prevent someone from doing anything.
And it hurts, and it tears me apart at the seams, and I constantly second guess my decision to stay. And people who have never been in a situation like this, just don't get it. People tell me I'm crazy, that I deserve better, that he's always just going to be a junkie. And yet, I stay because I still think he can get better. A drug addiction is a drug addiction, any way you slice it...but heroin, known as the king of all drugs, is the hardest to kick. The statistics for people who have successfully recovered, and have strong, lasting, recovery from heroin, is slim to none. It's just the facts.
I don't want to leave my boyfriend, I'm not ready to do that yet. Maybe I haven't fallen on my face hard enough. Maybe you haven't either. Maybe you haven't even tripped yet. And I'm not saying that you will experience everything that we have all gone through, maybe you won't have to go through this. But just know that addiction is very real, and there's nothing you can do to keep someone sober. He has to want it. Don't put too much faith in his words. Watch his actions. You'll see red flags if you open your eyes. Just be aware. And read. Read about addiction, read about what it does to the user physically and emotionally. Knowledge is your best weapon against this.
I really do wish you the best. Keep posting. We all understand.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
yes, read what it does to the addict...
but more importantly read what happens to the people closest to them
the loved ones, the co-dependent connections.
Codependency Symptoms, Signs and Symptoms of Codependency by Darlene Lancer, MFT
the traits that are listed here may not seem to apply to you, they may be subconscious or "latent" in your personality/character...but the longer you stay in an addict/co-addict (codependent) relationship the more obvious these traits become, and they get stronger and begin to cause mental illness in the codependent
trauma and codependency are gateways to mental illness such as borderline personality disorder
my ex ABF was a crack addict and he was also bi polar
I started to become "split" myself because I loved him so much but hated his addict side...I started doubting my own values and sharing blame for his addiction...among many other things!
please take note...start keeping a journal! keep a calendar!! some of the notes you leave for yourself may help your sanity later...you can use SR in such a manner
and thank you to POCK for sharing her own story...wishing you ever increasing recovery!
but more importantly read what happens to the people closest to them
the loved ones, the co-dependent connections.
Codependency Symptoms, Signs and Symptoms of Codependency by Darlene Lancer, MFT
the traits that are listed here may not seem to apply to you, they may be subconscious or "latent" in your personality/character...but the longer you stay in an addict/co-addict (codependent) relationship the more obvious these traits become, and they get stronger and begin to cause mental illness in the codependent
trauma and codependency are gateways to mental illness such as borderline personality disorder
my ex ABF was a crack addict and he was also bi polar
I started to become "split" myself because I loved him so much but hated his addict side...I started doubting my own values and sharing blame for his addiction...among many other things!
please take note...start keeping a journal! keep a calendar!! some of the notes you leave for yourself may help your sanity later...you can use SR in such a manner
and thank you to POCK for sharing her own story...wishing you ever increasing recovery!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Please understand NO addict is different. The lying is the hardest for me to see or understand. My AH was clean when we met, I was your age and he was the age of your boyfriend. He had a history of coke, pot and alcohol but he had cleaned up, found Jesus and joined the military. We got married, had a family... We have been together almost 20 years. About 4-5 years ago he started acting angry, erratic..etc. he started using drugs at least 2 years ago, before that he was drinking, prescription seeking, diet drugs..etc. until 4 months ago he still worked and functioned.
Right now our lives are a mess, our credit trashed, he is out of state and I had to scramble to make a life alone with the kids. If I had any inkling 20 years ago I would have run, it's not worth it.
He's not different, he is using drugs, sticking it out is self delusion, you will empty out everything in you into an empty hole until you don't know who you are and you will long for that spunky bright 20 year old you were. Get out before you invest, stop worrying about his diabetes or how he will care for himself- this is how codependency begins. You are not God, you can not save him. He needs to save himself, he is not different, you will be just the caring warm body he needs to suck you into his world, to bend you to his will do he has someone to make life comfortable while he uses.
I'm going to be straight with you- addicts abandon their children- their own flesh and blood- they will not quit for their own children, if their children are not enough human incentive to quit; a girlfriend of a few months will never be enough incentive.
Right now our lives are a mess, our credit trashed, he is out of state and I had to scramble to make a life alone with the kids. If I had any inkling 20 years ago I would have run, it's not worth it.
He's not different, he is using drugs, sticking it out is self delusion, you will empty out everything in you into an empty hole until you don't know who you are and you will long for that spunky bright 20 year old you were. Get out before you invest, stop worrying about his diabetes or how he will care for himself- this is how codependency begins. You are not God, you can not save him. He needs to save himself, he is not different, you will be just the caring warm body he needs to suck you into his world, to bend you to his will do he has someone to make life comfortable while he uses.
I'm going to be straight with you- addicts abandon their children- their own flesh and blood- they will not quit for their own children, if their children are not enough human incentive to quit; a girlfriend of a few months will never be enough incentive.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 16
Hi futurecoltswife,
I know you are totally disheartened by a lot of the advice you've gotten here. I just want to chime in and say that I totally understand your desire to save your bf. But when you say "I can save him" you are totally fooling yourself. I don't mean that to be harsh. But the only person you can save is yourself. As a dear friend of mine said recently, if addicts could be saved by love, there would be no addicts. You do not have the power to save him. This is an impossible goal that you have set up for yourself.
Only he can save himself.
Take care.
I know you are totally disheartened by a lot of the advice you've gotten here. I just want to chime in and say that I totally understand your desire to save your bf. But when you say "I can save him" you are totally fooling yourself. I don't mean that to be harsh. But the only person you can save is yourself. As a dear friend of mine said recently, if addicts could be saved by love, there would be no addicts. You do not have the power to save him. This is an impossible goal that you have set up for yourself.
Only he can save himself.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
my ex who has two children from his second marriage, one who is 17 and one who is 15, has used their entire life
he told me that the night before his first marriage he borrowed the car of his father-in-law- to be to go cruise the hood and find crack
I thought I could change him, I even promised to be his third wife thinking that my love would fill that hole that he was trying to fill with crack
lucky for me he disappeared on a binge before I finished creating the public display of codependent affection
I'm just saying...he loved two women enough to marry them, he has two children who he loves...but an addict chooses their drug before any one they love until they do the long, long and very hard,, focused work of recovery...
he told me that the night before his first marriage he borrowed the car of his father-in-law- to be to go cruise the hood and find crack
I thought I could change him, I even promised to be his third wife thinking that my love would fill that hole that he was trying to fill with crack
lucky for me he disappeared on a binge before I finished creating the public display of codependent affection
I'm just saying...he loved two women enough to marry them, he has two children who he loves...but an addict chooses their drug before any one they love until they do the long, long and very hard,, focused work of recovery...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
There are those who don't want to hear it and then there are those who refuse to hear it. I think futurecoltswife is the former and has absolutely no experience in dealing with addiction. Maybe we scared her a bit, but I also think we gave her some things to think about. I hope she comes back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
I figure at this point no matter what you say nothing is going to change this girls mind. She will have to go through the process like everyone else. Then once it's said and done she will look back like everyone else and wonder why she didn't take your advice. She is going to try and save him but it's not going to work.
So many people on this site WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH IT explained over and over that heroin addicts cannot quit on their own they need a program they need detox.
But what they don't need family, friends hovering over them while they are puking their guts up, going through withdrawals.
So many people on this site WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH IT explained over and over that heroin addicts cannot quit on their own they need a program they need detox.
But what they don't need family, friends hovering over them while they are puking their guts up, going through withdrawals.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
how r things now??
To futurecoltswife....I'm new to the site and in a similar situation as u!!! I just found out my bf is an addict to oxys when the police called n told me he was arrested!!! I'm needin ur advice and wondered how uve been doing since the last post looks like dated 2012....me
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