my boyfriend is a "recovering" heroin addict... help!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chesapeake, Va
Posts: 9
my boyfriend is a "recovering" heroin addict... help!
So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now. He had a problem with heroin prior to us beginning a relationship. He is 25 and I am turning 20 this week. I have never been around someone with a problem like this. At first, he made it seem like it was all in the past. He was clean for months before we even started dating. Recently he relapsed... I caught him using. He said he was going to the bathroom, and his stomache was upset. I knew it was taking long, I just thought nothing of it (we ate a bunch of mexican food) lol. So I let it go, but when he came out, he could barely keep his eyes open... he kept dropping his cigarette and he was swaying back and forth. We had a long talk about it because I can't be involved with something like that. I have never had any drug addictions or alcohol abuse issues myself. He told me that it would be a lifelong battle, but that he would do anything for me, so he gave me his "kit" and told me to get rid of it. So I did. To my knowledge that was the last time he used. He went through the couple days of being sick and sleeping non stop, and is now back to being himself... for now. I'm really scared that this isn't over. I don't know how to keep him away from it. I love him, and I honestly believe that he loves me back. We have a great relationship and I trust him in every other aspect. He has never lied to me, but will only talk when I ask specific questions. He gets upset when I ask if he has been using, and I don't want to sound like his mother or anything. Lately a lot has been going on. Within 3 weeks, I moved out of my mom's house, my car broke down, his parents lost their house and moved into his grandfather's, I lost my job, his car broke down, and I got a speeding ticket. Needless to say, there is a lot on our plates, and we are incredibly stressed out. I can't be with him every moment of every day, and I'm scared this depression will send him right back to shooting dope. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to let him go... How do I keep him sober? He wants to change, because he knows he can't live like this. We have goals and dreams and things we want to accomplish together. I'm at the age where I'm starting the rest of my life and I want him in it. I just don't know what to do.... any advice???????
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Hi, and welcome to SR. You CAN'T keep him sober. That is something that must come from inside him. Unfortunately, chances are good that he isn't done yet. If he gets defensive when you ask, that says something. With everything else going on in your life, do you really think you want to take this on? It will overtake your life, and you will never know for sure if he is using unless he gets sloppy about it.
You are very young and you need to step back and decide if this is something you want in your life. You knew he had a prior relationship with heroin when you got together with him. In a matter of a few months, you caught him using again. Are you sure he wasn't using all along and you just didn't know?
Please read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there about what you are letting yourself in for if you decide to continue with this relationship. I think you deserve better, and I hope you'll stick around and let us support you.
You are very young and you need to step back and decide if this is something you want in your life. You knew he had a prior relationship with heroin when you got together with him. In a matter of a few months, you caught him using again. Are you sure he wasn't using all along and you just didn't know?
Please read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there about what you are letting yourself in for if you decide to continue with this relationship. I think you deserve better, and I hope you'll stick around and let us support you.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Break up with him. Get out before you get more involved.
Please. Take it from me.
I got into it with a guy who’d been recovered for a few months. I thought he was different. He had a good job, an apartment, he was going to meetings, his relationship was on track with his mother, he took me out for nice dinners, he treated me great…I thought I scored the jack pot. I saw his past as his past, not his future.
I thought he loves me, he won’t screw up what we have for drugs. I thought it’ll be easier for him to stay sober/clean when we’re together, it’s something worth staying clean for. He told me he saw a future with me, that I was the love of his life. That he stayed clean for himself but being with me made it easier because he could see a future now, because he loved me, he knew I depended on him etc. My parents warned my, people here warned me, my friend warned me. They told me he’d use again. They told me it would just take something to push him over the edge before he turned back to it.
I told them he was different. He was recovered. He would never use.
Flash forward to now. He’s blown hundreds on Cocaine, got evicted from his apartment, he’s currently in jail for the 2nd time since April after walking out of Detox last Wednesday. I have no idea why. He treated me like ****.
He lied to me. He lied to be all the time If you caught him using once I promise you PROMISE you he’s STILL using more. He’s just hiding it. That’s what addicts do. They lie. They cheat. They steal. They drag you down with them.
This guy cannot be enough for you. I know you love him , believe me I know that. And I know how much it hurts to leave and you don’t want to be alone but things are only going to get worse.
You can’t make him better. You can’t stop him from using. No one but your boyfriend can make that decision. And Heroin might be the MOST addictive drug there is. If he was detoxing off it you’d KNOW. He’d be sick he’d be miserable. He has to still be using.
You must know that deep down. I know you want to believe his lies. I know you want to let him manipulate you because sometimes even when a person is hurting us letting go hurts even more.
But you need to let go. You need to walk away now. Before you get even deeper into this. Because things will not get better.
I’m sorry to have to tell you that but they won’t. I thought they would with my ex ABF and now he’s in jail. That’s how it always works. I wish I’d listneted to the women on here when they told me to leave. But I didn’t. I held on for months. For months while he lied to me and treated me horrible and used drugs. Just like your boyfriend is now.
I wish I’d left when he was first arrested in April. I promise you if oyu don’t leave now you’ll look back and wish you did. Because this guy will bring you nothing but a world of pain.
I know you love him but is this really what you want? A guy blowing all his money on drugs? A guy leaving you to go use in the bathroom because he can’t even get through a dinner without a hit? A guy ou have to constantly worry about and can’t trust?
You'll be scared for him every day. You'll always wondering if he's using or when he'll use again. It's nor worth it. We're too young. Keep reading some of the posts here see what these women go through, what their kids go through....read the stickies and try not to let your love blind you. I know it's easier said then done but he isn't the man for you. He isn't the man for anyone.
Drugs are the only thing he is capable of caring about. Heroin will always come before you. It comes before eveyrthing.
It’s not worth it.
Please. Take it from me.
I got into it with a guy who’d been recovered for a few months. I thought he was different. He had a good job, an apartment, he was going to meetings, his relationship was on track with his mother, he took me out for nice dinners, he treated me great…I thought I scored the jack pot. I saw his past as his past, not his future.
I thought he loves me, he won’t screw up what we have for drugs. I thought it’ll be easier for him to stay sober/clean when we’re together, it’s something worth staying clean for. He told me he saw a future with me, that I was the love of his life. That he stayed clean for himself but being with me made it easier because he could see a future now, because he loved me, he knew I depended on him etc. My parents warned my, people here warned me, my friend warned me. They told me he’d use again. They told me it would just take something to push him over the edge before he turned back to it.
I told them he was different. He was recovered. He would never use.
Flash forward to now. He’s blown hundreds on Cocaine, got evicted from his apartment, he’s currently in jail for the 2nd time since April after walking out of Detox last Wednesday. I have no idea why. He treated me like ****.
He lied to me. He lied to be all the time If you caught him using once I promise you PROMISE you he’s STILL using more. He’s just hiding it. That’s what addicts do. They lie. They cheat. They steal. They drag you down with them.
This guy cannot be enough for you. I know you love him , believe me I know that. And I know how much it hurts to leave and you don’t want to be alone but things are only going to get worse.
You can’t make him better. You can’t stop him from using. No one but your boyfriend can make that decision. And Heroin might be the MOST addictive drug there is. If he was detoxing off it you’d KNOW. He’d be sick he’d be miserable. He has to still be using.
You must know that deep down. I know you want to believe his lies. I know you want to let him manipulate you because sometimes even when a person is hurting us letting go hurts even more.
But you need to let go. You need to walk away now. Before you get even deeper into this. Because things will not get better.
I’m sorry to have to tell you that but they won’t. I thought they would with my ex ABF and now he’s in jail. That’s how it always works. I wish I’d listneted to the women on here when they told me to leave. But I didn’t. I held on for months. For months while he lied to me and treated me horrible and used drugs. Just like your boyfriend is now.
I wish I’d left when he was first arrested in April. I promise you if oyu don’t leave now you’ll look back and wish you did. Because this guy will bring you nothing but a world of pain.
I know you love him but is this really what you want? A guy blowing all his money on drugs? A guy leaving you to go use in the bathroom because he can’t even get through a dinner without a hit? A guy ou have to constantly worry about and can’t trust?
You'll be scared for him every day. You'll always wondering if he's using or when he'll use again. It's nor worth it. We're too young. Keep reading some of the posts here see what these women go through, what their kids go through....read the stickies and try not to let your love blind you. I know it's easier said then done but he isn't the man for you. He isn't the man for anyone.
Drugs are the only thing he is capable of caring about. Heroin will always come before you. It comes before eveyrthing.
It’s not worth it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, I would advise you to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.
Honestly, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not...there is no cure for addiction.
IMO you are way too young to waste your life with an addict, his addiction as an IV user is very serious. I would also haul myself to the doctor and get tested for STDs.
My advise? Move on, you only have a few months invested in this relationship, too soon to be planning a future, especially with an addict.
Take care of you, have you talked to your parents about his addiction? They may be able to guide you in the right direction.
Honestly, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not...there is no cure for addiction.
IMO you are way too young to waste your life with an addict, his addiction as an IV user is very serious. I would also haul myself to the doctor and get tested for STDs.
My advise? Move on, you only have a few months invested in this relationship, too soon to be planning a future, especially with an addict.
Take care of you, have you talked to your parents about his addiction? They may be able to guide you in the right direction.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Someone, on another thread, posted this article. I just scanned it, but it seems to be very good and might help explain a few things about life with an addict. I hope you'll read it and see what you think.
Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Think about what you want.
You want a guy you can be proud of. A guy you can trust. A guy you can bring home to your parents. A guy who can be a good Father. A guy who can keep a job and stay out of jail (which is if he's using he can't), A guy who can be there for you. A guy can love you back. This guy can't be any of those things for you. Maybe he can fake it for a but but it'll all come crashing down sooner or later.
You might love this guy and it's going to hurt to leave but this guy can't be what you need or want him to be. And as his addiction progresses hie lies and the facade he puts up will get more and more difficult to maintain and he will take it out on you.
Sorry for posting again I was just sitting here thinking about that and wanted to put it out there.
You want a guy you can be proud of. A guy you can trust. A guy you can bring home to your parents. A guy who can be a good Father. A guy who can keep a job and stay out of jail (which is if he's using he can't), A guy who can be there for you. A guy can love you back. This guy can't be any of those things for you. Maybe he can fake it for a but but it'll all come crashing down sooner or later.
You might love this guy and it's going to hurt to leave but this guy can't be what you need or want him to be. And as his addiction progresses hie lies and the facade he puts up will get more and more difficult to maintain and he will take it out on you.
Sorry for posting again I was just sitting here thinking about that and wanted to put it out there.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome. And you are right to be "scared that this isn't over."
You are newly in love with him and I doubt you will be willing to walk away from him this early in the relationship. There will be more crises around drugs and one of those will probably cause you to walk away, perhaps permanently or perhaps for a long period of separation.
For now, I would be greatly concerned about your physical health, as you are having sex with a needle user. So I strongly recommend you be tested for STD's and from this day forward always have your partner use a condom. He knows the risks, he knows, so if he refuses, dear, then he is refusing to protect you from the hepatitis he could be carrying. Hepatitis is a TERRIBLE lifelong illness and many do not survive it. You can love him all you want right now, but you need to protect your body.
He is need of serious and sustained treatment for heroin addiction. He will not be able to stop using without it. He needs to see a doctor immediately and if you want to wait and see what happens, it is your choice. Life with an addict hurts. The problems piling up in your lives right now are manageable, but his addiction and its impact on you both is not manageable. You will both try to control his cravings and you will both fail. He needs treatment.
He will lie to you and is likely lying to you now. His withdrawal was very mild, and does not fit the standard description of the hell on earth people go through for several days to kick heroin. If he is feeling better and up again so soon, my guess is he has not kicked the habit and is using every day.
You worry that stress and depression will cause him to use. Heroin addiction creates not only a psychological craving that overwhelms the user, it also creates a physical dependency. Heroin addicts have to use heroin to feel normal. Even in the very best of times when every possible thing in life is working fantastic, the heroin addict will still have to use heroin, as he cannot function without it or he will become extremely sick for days on end. A medical detox is the most humane withdrawal and the most likely to succeed. Without it, the addict is simply in too much suffering and usually picks back up to feel well again and avoid the hell.
All this is to impress upon you that you cannot make him sober or keep him sober. He needs to see a doctor. If he refuses, he is too bonded to the drug to want to give it up.
We are glad you found SR and hope this site will help you.
You are newly in love with him and I doubt you will be willing to walk away from him this early in the relationship. There will be more crises around drugs and one of those will probably cause you to walk away, perhaps permanently or perhaps for a long period of separation.
For now, I would be greatly concerned about your physical health, as you are having sex with a needle user. So I strongly recommend you be tested for STD's and from this day forward always have your partner use a condom. He knows the risks, he knows, so if he refuses, dear, then he is refusing to protect you from the hepatitis he could be carrying. Hepatitis is a TERRIBLE lifelong illness and many do not survive it. You can love him all you want right now, but you need to protect your body.
He is need of serious and sustained treatment for heroin addiction. He will not be able to stop using without it. He needs to see a doctor immediately and if you want to wait and see what happens, it is your choice. Life with an addict hurts. The problems piling up in your lives right now are manageable, but his addiction and its impact on you both is not manageable. You will both try to control his cravings and you will both fail. He needs treatment.
He will lie to you and is likely lying to you now. His withdrawal was very mild, and does not fit the standard description of the hell on earth people go through for several days to kick heroin. If he is feeling better and up again so soon, my guess is he has not kicked the habit and is using every day.
You worry that stress and depression will cause him to use. Heroin addiction creates not only a psychological craving that overwhelms the user, it also creates a physical dependency. Heroin addicts have to use heroin to feel normal. Even in the very best of times when every possible thing in life is working fantastic, the heroin addict will still have to use heroin, as he cannot function without it or he will become extremely sick for days on end. A medical detox is the most humane withdrawal and the most likely to succeed. Without it, the addict is simply in too much suffering and usually picks back up to feel well again and avoid the hell.
All this is to impress upon you that you cannot make him sober or keep him sober. He needs to see a doctor. If he refuses, he is too bonded to the drug to want to give it up.
We are glad you found SR and hope this site will help you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Thanks for keeping it simple English.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Life with an addict hurts.
Thanks for keeping it simple English.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
You know the saying "when it rains it pours". Well I think it's time to get out of the rain.
You appear to be a smart women with a lot of compassion for the man in your life. But is he really in your life. Addiction is a selfish business and addicts are selfish people.
He is going to stress you out at 20 years of age. You are going to age beyond your years. Dealing with day to day stuff can be stressful enough you do not need this anchor around your neck.
The information I have read on this site indicates 100% that no matter what you say or do the only way this man will clean up is for himself and no one else. Take a step back and let him decide. If he loves himself enough he will do it. If he don't then how can he love you if he don't love himself?
You appear to be a smart women with a lot of compassion for the man in your life. But is he really in your life. Addiction is a selfish business and addicts are selfish people.
He is going to stress you out at 20 years of age. You are going to age beyond your years. Dealing with day to day stuff can be stressful enough you do not need this anchor around your neck.
The information I have read on this site indicates 100% that no matter what you say or do the only way this man will clean up is for himself and no one else. Take a step back and let him decide. If he loves himself enough he will do it. If he don't then how can he love you if he don't love himself?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Um ok he was detoxing from heroin and he slept for days um not take it from someone whos been there sleep is the last thing you do when detoxing from heroin. You should google it knowledge is power. Sorry if this isnt what you wanted to hear
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by futurecoltswife 
So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now. He had a problem with heroin prior to us beginning a relationship. He is 25 and I am turning 20 this week. I have never been around someone with a problem like this. At first, he made it seem like it was all in the past. He was clean for months before we even started dating.
And the source of this information is none other than the guy who is addicted to dope.
Recently he relapsed... I caught him using. He said he was going to the bathroom, and his stomache was upset. I knew it was taking long, I just thought nothing of it (we ate a bunch of mexican food) lol. So I let it go, but when he came out, he could barely keep his eyes open... he kept dropping his cigarette and he was swaying back and forth. We had a long talk about it because I can't be involved with something like that.
Terrific boundary.
He told me that it would be a lifelong battle, but that he would do anything for me, so he gave me his "kit" and told me to get rid of it. So I did. To my knowledge that was the last time he used.
Heroin can be smoked, inhaled and packed where the sun don't shine in addiction to injection. He can replace "the kit" in a blink of an eye.
How do I keep him sober?
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
Nothing you say or do, or not, can keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. If all it took was love, none of us would be here.
If you read the link Suki posted you read about " personal exceptionalism" AKA "terminal uniqueness". This also applies to our side of the fence. So many of us here, thought our addict and/or the circumstances and we were different- that all we had to do was support them enough. We made addiction our problem to solve. And we were mistaken.
No one, anywhere, has ever been supported sober. Sobriety and recovery are two different things and both are internal to the addicted person.
" I can't be involved with an addict or someone new to sobriety/recovery" is a terrific boundary that protects you from the chaos of addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chesapeake, Va
Posts: 9
I really really appreciate all of the feedback and support.
It is rather disheartening to hear some of the things that are being said about someone I care about so deeply. All of you are right... I am very young, with college being my number one priority, this is going to be incredibly difficult to take on.
I do want to say right offhand though, that at this time, I do NOT intend to leave him.
I hate to look at it this way, because I know it sounds dumb, but he needs me.
I'm sober. Now and forever. Always have been. Having someone in his life to encourage him, will be one of the few things that could help him stay sober for good.
Also, ENGLISH GARDEN: You mentioned "For now, I would be greatly concerned about your physical health, as you are having sex with a needle user."
Firstly, thank you for your concern. I have thought about this already. I know even when you think you're being safe, there are many risks. Especially with me being someone who isn't a user. My boyfriend is a diabetic... (which is even one more reason I'm afraid of letting him go through this alone)... so all of the needles that he may use are those of his own. He has them in case he needs insulin shots, but uses an insulin pump on a regular basis. We also are safe when it comes to our sexual relationship. Neither of us are positive for any STD's or other diseases. Just thought you should know (:
Anyways,
I know he wants a family one day, as do I. He would be an incredible father, I know it.
He doesn't lie, steal, or cheat. Every addict is different.
Yes, he has a problem, but no it is not to the point where he is only concerned about drugs. We have so much fun together, and he treats me like a princess.
I love him, and I won't give up on him. I just need to be able to talk to someone about it that knows what I'm going through...
Again, I thank you all for your help... stay with me. I'm gonna need it.
I intend on being the best person I can be for him.
I kinda need some tips. Just little things I can do, or say to help him.
I'm not going anywhere, because he is where I want to be.
I fell in love with him before I knew about all this. And the person that he is aside from dope, is the person that I could see the rest of my life with. He hasn't always been this way. I know he has had his battles, some wins, some loses. But I'm here to make sure that he wins the war, because that's what counts.
Which is why I want to do anything and everything I can to save him.
I can save him. I just need some help. Some moral support.
It is rather disheartening to hear some of the things that are being said about someone I care about so deeply. All of you are right... I am very young, with college being my number one priority, this is going to be incredibly difficult to take on.
I do want to say right offhand though, that at this time, I do NOT intend to leave him.
I hate to look at it this way, because I know it sounds dumb, but he needs me.
I'm sober. Now and forever. Always have been. Having someone in his life to encourage him, will be one of the few things that could help him stay sober for good.
Also, ENGLISH GARDEN: You mentioned "For now, I would be greatly concerned about your physical health, as you are having sex with a needle user."
Firstly, thank you for your concern. I have thought about this already. I know even when you think you're being safe, there are many risks. Especially with me being someone who isn't a user. My boyfriend is a diabetic... (which is even one more reason I'm afraid of letting him go through this alone)... so all of the needles that he may use are those of his own. He has them in case he needs insulin shots, but uses an insulin pump on a regular basis. We also are safe when it comes to our sexual relationship. Neither of us are positive for any STD's or other diseases. Just thought you should know (:
Anyways,
I know he wants a family one day, as do I. He would be an incredible father, I know it.
He doesn't lie, steal, or cheat. Every addict is different.
Yes, he has a problem, but no it is not to the point where he is only concerned about drugs. We have so much fun together, and he treats me like a princess.
I love him, and I won't give up on him. I just need to be able to talk to someone about it that knows what I'm going through...
Again, I thank you all for your help... stay with me. I'm gonna need it.
I intend on being the best person I can be for him.
I kinda need some tips. Just little things I can do, or say to help him.
I'm not going anywhere, because he is where I want to be.
I fell in love with him before I knew about all this. And the person that he is aside from dope, is the person that I could see the rest of my life with. He hasn't always been this way. I know he has had his battles, some wins, some loses. But I'm here to make sure that he wins the war, because that's what counts.
Which is why I want to do anything and everything I can to save him.
I can save him. I just need some help. Some moral support.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Every addict is different.
Only in very minor ways. An addict is an addict and they all use the same handbook. And no, you cannot save him, but like many of us did, you are determined to try. It is glaringly obvious by what you just wrote that you don't have the faintest clue about addiction. You really should study up on it. Read all you can about it. Have an open mind. Denial will only serve to hurt you again and again.
Did you read the link I posted above? You really should. Here it is again...
Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
There are also several threads in the "stickie" portion of this forum. You would do well to read those, too. If you are determined to stay with him, you should at least have an idea of what you are in for. Good luck.
Only in very minor ways. An addict is an addict and they all use the same handbook. And no, you cannot save him, but like many of us did, you are determined to try. It is glaringly obvious by what you just wrote that you don't have the faintest clue about addiction. You really should study up on it. Read all you can about it. Have an open mind. Denial will only serve to hurt you again and again.
Did you read the link I posted above? You really should. Here it is again...
Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
There are also several threads in the "stickie" portion of this forum. You would do well to read those, too. If you are determined to stay with him, you should at least have an idea of what you are in for. Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chesapeake, Va
Posts: 9
I went through and read allof my feedback again, and man it is taking a toll on me.
This IS something that I want to do. This IS something that I feel I need to do.
I acknowlege the fact that an addict is an addict,
BUT (there's always a but)... No addict that is in recovery, and has become sober, has done it alone.
I read a lot of the articles that were suggested, and they helped so much...
but reading other addicts stories has made me think about how he would feel trying to do this alone. I spent a month with him every moment of every day....
this is how I know that he is not an every day user. Not even every week. In the few months that we have been dating, I have noticed it once. He can do this, he is one of the strongest if not the strongest person I know. No one should have to do this alone.
It won't be easy. I know it won't. This is why I have decided to sign up for SR, and find someone somewhere who understands what I'm trying to do. I don't believe that loving him is enough. I know that it's going to take much much much more than that.
And I'm willing, and ready. I won't give up. Whether he remains in my life as a significant other in an emotional relationship or in a friendly relationship... I care about him too much to walk away and let him destroy his life. We are in this together.
I will be by his side and help him through this...
He needs someone willing, someone who loves him, someone he can trust.
This IS something that I want to do. This IS something that I feel I need to do.
I acknowlege the fact that an addict is an addict,
BUT (there's always a but)... No addict that is in recovery, and has become sober, has done it alone.
I read a lot of the articles that were suggested, and they helped so much...
but reading other addicts stories has made me think about how he would feel trying to do this alone. I spent a month with him every moment of every day....
this is how I know that he is not an every day user. Not even every week. In the few months that we have been dating, I have noticed it once. He can do this, he is one of the strongest if not the strongest person I know. No one should have to do this alone.
It won't be easy. I know it won't. This is why I have decided to sign up for SR, and find someone somewhere who understands what I'm trying to do. I don't believe that loving him is enough. I know that it's going to take much much much more than that.
And I'm willing, and ready. I won't give up. Whether he remains in my life as a significant other in an emotional relationship or in a friendly relationship... I care about him too much to walk away and let him destroy his life. We are in this together.
I will be by his side and help him through this...
He needs someone willing, someone who loves him, someone he can trust.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chesapeake, Va
Posts: 9
Yes, Suki, I did take the time to read that link. It was very helpful. I thank you very much for that. You're right, I'm getting myself into something that I don't know much about. I am clueless as to how it feels being in his shoes. Or even someone trying to help someone else in his situation... the closest thing to an addiction I've ever felt is when I light a cigarette. I'm going into this semi-blindly, which is why I have turned to SR for some help, and knowlege.
No, CYNICAL, he is not. We are currently looking into getting him enrolled, because he knows it's something he wants to do. He is the Su Chef at a local restraunt for now. Good job, steady paycheck, and steady hours. He's incredibly smart, and school is something we are working on for him. I just worry about the stress on him.
No, CYNICAL, he is not. We are currently looking into getting him enrolled, because he knows it's something he wants to do. He is the Su Chef at a local restraunt for now. Good job, steady paycheck, and steady hours. He's incredibly smart, and school is something we are working on for him. I just worry about the stress on him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
No addict that is in recovery, and has become sober, has done it alone.
That is not true, either, hon. I did it alone. I made the decision, checked myself into a facility and did it all on my own. I know others who also did it alone. Again, you do not know anything about addiction, how it affects not only the addict, but everyone who loves them. Your mind is made up, however, so I again urge you to read everything you can get your hands on about addiction so you will have at least some idea of what you are going up against.
That is not true, either, hon. I did it alone. I made the decision, checked myself into a facility and did it all on my own. I know others who also did it alone. Again, you do not know anything about addiction, how it affects not only the addict, but everyone who loves them. Your mind is made up, however, so I again urge you to read everything you can get your hands on about addiction so you will have at least some idea of what you are going up against.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chesapeake, Va
Posts: 9
Thank you. I have much respect for you, knowing that you did it. How long were you a user? Do you mind telling me a little about your story? What was your drug of choice? What finally made you turn to a facility? I'm very interested in hearing about someone else's battle. And, again, the upmost respect and kudos to you for winning that war!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
We are here to offer support no matter what path you choose, and we will try to help you stay focused on what is "inside your hula hoop" and what isn't. Many of the worries you have right now are outside your hula hoop, but that is very normal for someone who is in relationship with an addict and has yet no understanding of codependency.
Would you be willing to go to a 12 step meeting like Codependents Anonymous? That is an action step you can take which will benefit both you and your partner. Perhaps he will be willing to go to his own 12 step group weekly as well.
I'm glad you are using good protection. Heroin addicts don't intend to use dirty needles but if they have no access to a clean one, and they are starting the agony of withdrawal, they will take a dirty one from a fellow user. It's what addiction compels them to do.
What you are likely to have the most difficult time understanding is that addictive behavior is outside the conscious control of the addict. In addiction, the lower brain overwhelms the higher brain, and this means that addicts stop making choices based on the consequences of using, or whether using will destroy their relationships and families or cause them to lose their job or contract AIDS. This is because the part of the brain that makes values-based choices like those shuts down.
Most people just do not understand this and always ask, again and again, why is the addict hurting me? Abandoning his children? Getting himself fired for being high? It is because his lower brain has highjacked his higher brain. Until you fully accept this, you will think that if you just show him enough love and support that he will make "good choices." But at a certain point in addiction's progression, choice is lost. The higher brain loses.
So I do understand that you love him and do not want to leave him. If you will at least go to meetings so to be with people who are at risk--like you--of losing themselves in someone else's problems--you will have a better chance of having good boundaries with your partner. You need to understand in your gut that if you enable your partner, you are helping him stay sick. And right now you are not educated enough to understand the different ways loved ones enable addicts to stay sick. But you can learn. Your boundaries will help you both.
He is young. He does not have the decades of drug abuse many heroin addicts have. I hope he seeks treatment with all his heart. I hope you seek your own help, too.
Would you be willing to go to a 12 step meeting like Codependents Anonymous? That is an action step you can take which will benefit both you and your partner. Perhaps he will be willing to go to his own 12 step group weekly as well.
I'm glad you are using good protection. Heroin addicts don't intend to use dirty needles but if they have no access to a clean one, and they are starting the agony of withdrawal, they will take a dirty one from a fellow user. It's what addiction compels them to do.
What you are likely to have the most difficult time understanding is that addictive behavior is outside the conscious control of the addict. In addiction, the lower brain overwhelms the higher brain, and this means that addicts stop making choices based on the consequences of using, or whether using will destroy their relationships and families or cause them to lose their job or contract AIDS. This is because the part of the brain that makes values-based choices like those shuts down.
Most people just do not understand this and always ask, again and again, why is the addict hurting me? Abandoning his children? Getting himself fired for being high? It is because his lower brain has highjacked his higher brain. Until you fully accept this, you will think that if you just show him enough love and support that he will make "good choices." But at a certain point in addiction's progression, choice is lost. The higher brain loses.
So I do understand that you love him and do not want to leave him. If you will at least go to meetings so to be with people who are at risk--like you--of losing themselves in someone else's problems--you will have a better chance of having good boundaries with your partner. You need to understand in your gut that if you enable your partner, you are helping him stay sick. And right now you are not educated enough to understand the different ways loved ones enable addicts to stay sick. But you can learn. Your boundaries will help you both.
He is young. He does not have the decades of drug abuse many heroin addicts have. I hope he seeks treatment with all his heart. I hope you seek your own help, too.
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