What to expect?

Old 08-08-2012, 02:07 PM
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What to expect?

My live in girlfriend of 5 years in rehab. Im going crazy without her, literally driving myself crazy with negative thoughts.

I keep worrying that she will want to move out when she gets home to start her life completely over.

I want to do anything and everything I can to help, but since this is such an isolated experience, I feel left out, alone and useless.

It especially sucks not being able to talk to her.

justlooking for shared experiences or authorities who can tell me what to expect and do.

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Old 08-08-2012, 02:24 PM
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I keep worrying that she will want to move out when she gets home to start her life completely over.
Hello, I recommend you reading the stickies at the top of the forum. Especially the "Are you Codependent?" stickie.

You girlfriend needs to do whatever she needs to do to get healthy. If being in a relationship will hinder her road to sobriety then I'd hope you'll love her enough to let her go to find that. Until she finds sobriety, she will not be a good partner for you anyways.
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Old 08-08-2012, 03:58 PM
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Welcome to the forum!

I agree with what oooopps said: part of loving an addict is understanding that they MUST prioritize their recovery over everything else, including you. A healthy love understands and accommodates this, even if it means letting go.
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Old 08-08-2012, 06:33 PM
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Hi and welcome.....

if you are new to this I can imagine how worried you are about the future. There really is no way to know what to expect and that creates anxiety.

Does the program where she is have a friends/family program? Maybe getting to some Alanon meetings would help you as well. Those meetings are not about how to help your addicted loved one but how to help yourself in the situation that you are in.

The thing that will help both of you the most is to learn what this is all about....sobriety, recovery, addiction, and the role that we as loved ones play in the whole mix.

Newly sober addicts are told to focus on their recovery. Anything that they put ahead of their recovery is something that they will likely end up losing in the long run. She will need her recovery community when she gets out. Unfortunately, that is not you. She will hopefully be spending time with her sponsor, getting to know other people in recovery, and going to meetings.

I went through my husbands first year of sobriety with him and realized that I could expect very little from him. Our lifestyle changed drastically but it had to if he was going to stay sober. The thing that helped me the most was getting really active in Alanon and Naranon....there were people there that understand what I was going through and had a lot of experience, strength, and hope to share.

A great place to start learning about what the future may hold is with the sticky's at the top of the forum. I know it's really easy to skip them or feel like they don't apply but they are full of really helpful information.

Just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone....
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Old 08-08-2012, 09:37 PM
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Not alone at all. My husband of 6 years is in rehab now. Havn't talked to him hardly at all and he finally gets out in 2 days after a month long stay. I am freaking out!!! what happens next is very scary and I have felt so alone!! Just joining this myself, but reading has been my outlet. There is so much that I have learned about what I have been doing wrong. When this whole time I thought my husband was the only one with a problem. Ugh. Make sure you make the changes needed to find your own serenity. If you can't do it with out her you will never be able to do it with her. Hold on losely, but don't let go.
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Old 08-08-2012, 10:22 PM
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I failed to mention that she went to treatment for suboxin. She was on WAY too long...a couple years....and couldn't get off herself. She was worried about detoxing at home, because a fix would be right around the corner if she got sick.

She promised she would return from treatment, better than ever for me. I got to speak to her for 15 minutes last night and it just confused me more....thiniking too deep, worrying about stuff she says I shouldn't worry about ect.

I feel like a helpless mess. I wasn't always this needy, but since she's been gone...i can barely function.
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Old 08-09-2012, 07:15 AM
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My boyfriend went away to 2 different detoxes on 2 separate occasions. He then spent 6 months in a sober house. I remember the feeling when he first went away. I was terrified, depressed, lonely, confused...I remember not eating for days on end. Not getting out of bed for a week. I literally felt like I couldn't function. And at that point, I didn't want to function. I wanted to just lay there until he came home. I thought that if he just stopped doing drugs and came home everything would be fine. It's so much more than that though. Once the addict stops doing drugs, the recovery is just beginning. There's a whole other side of recovery beyond putting the drugs down. There's an emotional and mental recovery that HAS to take place in order for the addict to stay clean. Putting down the drugs is just the first step. Addiction is complex and it's a very long road to recovery. But people can get there with diligence and hard work. Your girlfriend has to want this. And you have to allow her to put her recovery first. That means before you, your relationship, or anything else.

Once I started researching and reading all about addiction and recovery and codependency, I got a good understanding of what exactly was happening with him, and what was happening with me. I became stronger. Knowledge is strength when dealing with an addict. Educate yourself so you have a clearer understanding of what is happening.

Keep posting here.
Good luck
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Old 08-09-2012, 07:52 AM
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I think your feelings are pretty normal. One thing that is said frequently here is "work the program you wish they would". The reason for this is simple......when caught in the dynamic with an addict, our thinking becomes as distorted as theirs......we become unable to function because our entire focus is on the addict. We are focused on something we have absolutely no control over and that is the stuff that creates crazy.

Your gf is probably working with a 12 step program....most rehabs do (although there are some that don't). If she is and you really want to help her, get yourself into a sister program (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon). In those programs you'll be told that we are completely powerless over the addict. You'll begin to learn the language that she is learning.....the language of recovery.

I truly believe that an addict has the best chance at recovery when those closest to them are working their own program. I'm a slow learner. It took me a very long time to figure this out. But better late than never.

The crux of this theory is....take the focus off of her and begin focusing on you. Begin to explore your part in the dance of addiction and be prepared to change. When the addict is pursuing recovery and comes home to an unchanged dynamic, they will be more likely to fall back into that dynamic......and addiction.

Just my two cents.....take what you need and store the rest.

gentle hugs
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Old 08-09-2012, 09:58 AM
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I guess everybody always wants to say that their situation is different, right?

For example in my other post, "my story", sombody said it sounded like we had an unhealthy relationship.

I'd respectfully dissagree. We are each others best friends. We rarely fought, and we had plenty of healthy interests.....every now and again, with her leading me by the hand, we would step into that darkside. This rehab stint was supposed to be about her understanding why, and obviously never doing it again.

I compare my own use to that of a college kid, binge drinking every night because it was the thing to do in that time. I've always been able to step away w/out cravings or desire. My "last time" could truly have been my "last time", at any time.

We are home owners, we are professionals, we were for the most part, responsible. We were never on streets, we never hit rock bottom, we never stole....I guess thats what makes this so hard. Addicts come in all shapes and sizes. We had a very loving relationship. I guess this is my denial coming into i keep thinking, "but we're different".

I feel just a little bit better today. Not a lot, but just enough to notice it. I slept better last night than I have since she left, though it was still not the rest I should be having. Still no appetite.

I guess the fact that I feel like i don't wanna be alive means im co-dependent. How in the world did this happen?

This morning I dropped off some candy and a letter for her at rehab. My letter held the focus on her...I stated I was with her on this journey, and I support her %100. I also told her I was attending NA meetings and nar anon.

I was planning on dropping more stuff off tomorrow, some cash and smokes....I don't wanna over do it, but I wanna make she she has what she needs and knows I support her.

Thanks everybody.
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