New and completely lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1
New and completely lost
Hi
I'm new to the boards, and I need some help. My son is an opiate addict and has been for about 10 yrs. He is 27 and lives at home. Well he recently had a heart valve repair due to a staph infection. He had MSRA last nov and it was in the valve and he had iv antibiotics for about 8 weeks, well the docs said it was gone and it was not, so hence the staph infection in the heart. I don't know why I thought this would be the wake up call, but I don't think it is. They put him on pain killers and memadone so he wouldn't go threw withdrawl until the heart and infection has healed, about 8 weeks. My problem is among millions of things, I can't trust anything he says. Its not just the pain killers that I'm worried about at this time, but his recovery from the surgery. I know that drugs really mess up the brain and I don't think he see's that. He is now having things like fevers and chills, like he did before the surgery, but his convaluted thinking makes no sense. How do you make sense of their addicted messed up minds. He tries to explain everything away, but never makes sense. I am obviously worried about his life, but I don't know how to talk to him anymore. For the past few years everything is a battle, down to take a shower. I don't believe I should have to tell him to brush his teeth, take a shower, clean your room, I am just done with this. I can't find it in my heart to throw him out while he is recovering from the heart surgery.
I have told him the day he is released from the docs and they say he is well that he will be going straight to detox and then to 3 to 6 month rehab program. He of course says he will do that, but I dont trust what he says. He also has back problems and of course alot of pain, so he says. This worries me as well, will he think he has to have pills after rehab. I have tried to tell him that his back pain has alot to do with withdrawl, since opiates live in the spinal column. He says not true. I am sure you all have been threw the "they know more than the pharmists and docs". He says opiates do nothing to the body.
I am so tired of fighting, its all a battle. I feel like I'm constantly on him and arguing with him. I ask myself everyday, what did I do, did I not love him enough, what was it I did and when. I know he is 27, but as we all know, most addicts stop macuring at the age they started using, for him was 15 so he says. And honestly he is like a 15 yr old. I have done everything I can to try to help him, short of going to rehab for him and hoping when I come out he is clean.
I guess my question is, how do I stop waiting for him to die, it scares me so much. I have constant worry and stress. I just can't do this anymore. I just want him to get well from the surgery and go into rehab. He has been in rehad twice before, so I keep hoping this one will work, but then I see him high from the pain killers he has now and I don't think he'll ever been clean. How do I give up and not worry?
Thanks
I'm new to the boards, and I need some help. My son is an opiate addict and has been for about 10 yrs. He is 27 and lives at home. Well he recently had a heart valve repair due to a staph infection. He had MSRA last nov and it was in the valve and he had iv antibiotics for about 8 weeks, well the docs said it was gone and it was not, so hence the staph infection in the heart. I don't know why I thought this would be the wake up call, but I don't think it is. They put him on pain killers and memadone so he wouldn't go threw withdrawl until the heart and infection has healed, about 8 weeks. My problem is among millions of things, I can't trust anything he says. Its not just the pain killers that I'm worried about at this time, but his recovery from the surgery. I know that drugs really mess up the brain and I don't think he see's that. He is now having things like fevers and chills, like he did before the surgery, but his convaluted thinking makes no sense. How do you make sense of their addicted messed up minds. He tries to explain everything away, but never makes sense. I am obviously worried about his life, but I don't know how to talk to him anymore. For the past few years everything is a battle, down to take a shower. I don't believe I should have to tell him to brush his teeth, take a shower, clean your room, I am just done with this. I can't find it in my heart to throw him out while he is recovering from the heart surgery.
I have told him the day he is released from the docs and they say he is well that he will be going straight to detox and then to 3 to 6 month rehab program. He of course says he will do that, but I dont trust what he says. He also has back problems and of course alot of pain, so he says. This worries me as well, will he think he has to have pills after rehab. I have tried to tell him that his back pain has alot to do with withdrawl, since opiates live in the spinal column. He says not true. I am sure you all have been threw the "they know more than the pharmists and docs". He says opiates do nothing to the body.
I am so tired of fighting, its all a battle. I feel like I'm constantly on him and arguing with him. I ask myself everyday, what did I do, did I not love him enough, what was it I did and when. I know he is 27, but as we all know, most addicts stop macuring at the age they started using, for him was 15 so he says. And honestly he is like a 15 yr old. I have done everything I can to try to help him, short of going to rehab for him and hoping when I come out he is clean.
I guess my question is, how do I stop waiting for him to die, it scares me so much. I have constant worry and stress. I just can't do this anymore. I just want him to get well from the surgery and go into rehab. He has been in rehad twice before, so I keep hoping this one will work, but then I see him high from the pain killers he has now and I don't think he'll ever been clean. How do I give up and not worry?
Thanks
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Worry never solved one single problem. Worry is wasted emotion. Worry won't get him clean. What good has your worry done thus far? All worry does is keep you upset.
Rehab is a waste of time and money if he doesn't want to clean up his act. He has to want that more than you do. Doesn't sound like he does. It's time for you to stop trying to control this situation.
You didn't cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.
You didn't do anything to cause him to become an addict. He did it himself and only he, himself can get himself straight. Stop giving him a soft landing and allow him to face the full consequences of his bad choices. When he is miserable enough, he'll start thinking about doing something about it.
Rehab is a waste of time and money if he doesn't want to clean up his act. He has to want that more than you do. Doesn't sound like he does. It's time for you to stop trying to control this situation.
You didn't cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.
You didn't do anything to cause him to become an addict. He did it himself and only he, himself can get himself straight. Stop giving him a soft landing and allow him to face the full consequences of his bad choices. When he is miserable enough, he'll start thinking about doing something about it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
Hi Shopgirl. i also have an addicted child, so i understand the pain you are in. its so sad, for everyone involved. what i have been told is to let go, so i will pass that on to you. i will say, my worry has subsided. i believe in the long run it will all be ok. i guess we have to be strong and solid and grounded for the time when and if we are needed. it's our obligation to live our lives as best we can. God bless you and i hope and pray your son gets help and that you can let it go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much you want him to get clean. If he wants to use, he will use. If he wants to get clean, he will. As you have seen in the past, if he doesn't WANT it, going to rehab is not going to do much good.
You can't love the addiction out of someone. We've all tried. And failed.
There's no use worrying. And there's definitely no reason to be worrying about whether or not he'll be on pain pills AFTER he gets out of rehab. He hasn't even gone into rehab yet. Keep it in the day.
He needs to hit bottom. It's the hardest thing to watch someone go through, but it's the only way out. The addicts has to want to get clean more than they want to use. Even if only 51% of them wants to get clean, and the other 49% wants to use. They just need to want sobriety a little bit more than they want the drugs.
Let the addiction run its course. Let your son feel the consequences of his lifestyle choice. He has to feel the negative that comes with addiction. If he doesn't feel that, there's no reason for him to get clean.
Getting clean/sober is not for the weak. It takes a lot of hard work and he needs to be motivated to do it. So let him experience the hell that goes with addiction. Let the addiction take him to where ever he needs to go in order to motivate him to get clean.
So sorry you're going through this. Keep posting.
You can't love the addiction out of someone. We've all tried. And failed.
There's no use worrying. And there's definitely no reason to be worrying about whether or not he'll be on pain pills AFTER he gets out of rehab. He hasn't even gone into rehab yet. Keep it in the day.
He needs to hit bottom. It's the hardest thing to watch someone go through, but it's the only way out. The addicts has to want to get clean more than they want to use. Even if only 51% of them wants to get clean, and the other 49% wants to use. They just need to want sobriety a little bit more than they want the drugs.
Let the addiction run its course. Let your son feel the consequences of his lifestyle choice. He has to feel the negative that comes with addiction. If he doesn't feel that, there's no reason for him to get clean.
Getting clean/sober is not for the weak. It takes a lot of hard work and he needs to be motivated to do it. So let him experience the hell that goes with addiction. Let the addiction take him to where ever he needs to go in order to motivate him to get clean.
So sorry you're going through this. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
You can't do his rehab for him but you can work your own program and come out better for it. Find a Naranon or Alanon group and give it a try. Also, you can learn a lot through this forum.
I will never give up on my AD. I hope and pray for her and offer her my support if she chooses recovery but I don't worry about things I can't control.
I will never give up on my AD. I hope and pray for her and offer her my support if she chooses recovery but I don't worry about things I can't control.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I echo what EJG123 said about working your own program. Naranon and Alanon were a life line for me. I learned to stop taking care of my addict son and to start taking care of me, to worry about me, to pay for my place to live and my food to eat.
I love my son but I have now learned that he has to take care of himself. AND, God forbid, something should happen to him (or my daughter, my Mom, any of my loved ones...) I've loved them to the best of my ability, I've prayed for their safety and happiness, I've put their lives in God's and their own hands, so, although, I would be sad I would go on living peacefully knowing whatever happened was meant to happen.
I do not worry about people or things I can't control. I responsibly take care of myself and put my faith in the God I believe in.
I'm sorry for what has brought you here, I hope you find replies that lighten your load and make you think.
I love my son but I have now learned that he has to take care of himself. AND, God forbid, something should happen to him (or my daughter, my Mom, any of my loved ones...) I've loved them to the best of my ability, I've prayed for their safety and happiness, I've put their lives in God's and their own hands, so, although, I would be sad I would go on living peacefully knowing whatever happened was meant to happen.
I do not worry about people or things I can't control. I responsibly take care of myself and put my faith in the God I believe in.
I'm sorry for what has brought you here, I hope you find replies that lighten your load and make you think.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
You are so worried about your son, what are you doing for yourself? This is going to put so much stress on you that you may end up not being able to do day to day things not only take care of your son. I would say your biggest fear is if you let him go will he have enough sense to take care of himself so he don't end up back in hospital or worse. Hold him to his word if he re nags you may have to sit back and decide to put his arse in the car and drive him to rehab or let him fall. Either way it's not your fault your son decided his path. But you have to take care of you!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
I have tried to tell him that his back pain has alot to do with withdrawl, since opiates live in the spinal column. He says not true.
This is absolutely true once I finally got off the pills my back pain got 100% better
This is absolutely true once I finally got off the pills my back pain got 100% better
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I am a mother of 2 addicted sons (AS) I use to ask myself where did I go wrong I thought I must have not done my job as a mother for this too happen. Please be easier on yourself both of my sons have told me I raised them right that I taught them right from wrong. Blaming our self is usually the starting point for a mom not all but many.
I understand your fears one of my sons overdosed and I performed CPR he was not breathing in my living room floor. My husband is now also an addict here is what helped me and I think may help you it will not be overnight but will be worth it.
I attend Families Anonymous meetings because there is no Nar- Anon here and I have been to Al-Anon meetings, I post here such a wise community , I read Melody Beeatie's
book Codependent No More more than once it took me several reads to get out of my DENIAL. I am working on my 12 steps.
I would be totally engulfed with the addicts in my life had I not started taking care of me
I am not perfect and I sometimes take steps backwards.
Please know what the others said is TRUE your son has to want to stop no matter how much you want it he will not stop until he is ready I know that isn't what you wanna hear but it is the truth.
One of the hardest things you will need to do as a mom is step back get out of your sons way and let him fall. Hand your son to you Higher Power. I handed my addicts to God.
I understand your fears one of my sons overdosed and I performed CPR he was not breathing in my living room floor. My husband is now also an addict here is what helped me and I think may help you it will not be overnight but will be worth it.
I attend Families Anonymous meetings because there is no Nar- Anon here and I have been to Al-Anon meetings, I post here such a wise community , I read Melody Beeatie's
book Codependent No More more than once it took me several reads to get out of my DENIAL. I am working on my 12 steps.
I would be totally engulfed with the addicts in my life had I not started taking care of me
I am not perfect and I sometimes take steps backwards.
Please know what the others said is TRUE your son has to want to stop no matter how much you want it he will not stop until he is ready I know that isn't what you wanna hear but it is the truth.
One of the hardest things you will need to do as a mom is step back get out of your sons way and let him fall. Hand your son to you Higher Power. I handed my addicts to God.
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