Elizabk

I have been in a relationship with a drug addicted alcoholic for 9 years. We just got engaged last year. He did get somewhat sober about 4 years ago. However, he still smoked pot and did pills on occasion. He did not drink and was no longer smoking crack. He was going to AA regularly in the beginning, but now less and less. About 5 months ago, he admitted that he was doing more pills. I was really upset and encouraged him to return to AA. I told him he needed to stop, that I was not going to marry him if this behavior continued. He went to a couple meetings, but nothing regular. He always had an excuse why he could not go. His behavior started changing. He would fall asleep the second he hit the couch or if he was not asleep, he would be struggling to keep his eyes open. He was slurring his words. His sleep patterns were all messed up. I kept asking him what was up. Was he doing pills? He just denied everything. But last week, he did admit that he was using oxycontins, about $100 to $200 a day. I could not believe that I was being lied to for so long and that he was doing that much. I had no idea. He told be that he was going to stop. I don't know what to believe. I feel like I cannot trust him. I called off the wedding and gave him back the ring. I just cannot knowingly go into a marriage where I cannot trust my significant other. We really have not spoken since then. I did go to my first al-alon meeting and that felt good. However, I do still feel horrible about everything. Did I give up to soon? I just feel like this is a recurring problem and I am done trying to fix it.

washbe2

No. You did not give too soon! Im thankful it's not too late. A wise move on your part.
.

Learn2Live

No, you did not give up too soon. I am glad you found out the truth. I bet there are more things about him you did not know. I am going through the same thing but I am No Contact, because I don't want to know any more. Moving on with my life. Slowly, but surely. I hope you do too. (((hugs))) I know it is hard, Lord do I know. But you can do this. P.S. Keep going back, it works if you work it.

Vale

Nobody ever said hard things are easy.
(only worth it)

Congratulations on your strength,bearing,
presence of mind,and character.

There are literally billions of fish in the sea.
But only one you.

FindingErica

Welcome to the forum!

You've been with an active user for 9 years, it seems to me like it was long overdue. Trust me once they know you are on the way out they start making a show of pulling it together, my AH did that. But I stuck to my decision and thank goodness I did, it was all smoke and mirrors.

lisasneeze

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this. I was in the same position and my addict was addicted to crack as well but during his times he wasn't using crack he was heavily abusing pot, alcohol and pills. he referred to it in his mind as being clean because he didn't smoke Crack anymore but all it is is replacing one addiction with another. Unfortunately most crack addicts do not recover and many of them stop doing crack become addicted to other substances that they see as "less bad." I think you made the right decision and I know it's painful but marriage is hard enough with real life issues and impossible with addiction issues.

Sunshine2

No, you did not give up to soon. You knew when enough was enough. Trust yourself.

octoberrain

You did the right thing. Nine years is a long time. Oxies are bad and very hard to kick on your own. I know my son was on them.
I think you all ready know what to do.

GardenMama

You gave it your best shot, and a lot of your life, so I am echoing everyone else here who has said the same. Move on knowing you got out before it was too late!

I am sorry for your pain and wish you all the best finding support and love from healthy honest folks. There are so many of them here on this forum. They saved me this week when I had to make a very difficult decision to not allow my 18 yr old AD to come home after a short stint in treatment.

Keep reading; read others' experiences; soak up all the advice. There is so much collective wisdom here! And one more thing: go to Al-Anon because face-to-face with people in your community is just as important.

Peace.

lesliej

you are not alone.

remember this as well...not only has HE been at it for almost a decade...and, as it comes as no surprise to anyone who has experienced addiction, it HAS progressed and WILL continue to progress unless he does REALLY make a committed daily lifelong effort to recover...

AND ALSO YOU have been at it for almost a decade. your perspective has been in this relationship with addiction for almost a decade...and even if you didn't know it was going on...because that means you have been living with lies, manipulation, denial and deceit...you cannot expect yourself to see very clearly right now. YOU are going to have to make a dedicated daily commitment to YOUR recovery...or you will relapse.

welcome to this community, you will find support here. you will also find a lot of information here...read the "stickies" (the permanent posts locked at the top portion of the page) and get yourself some solid literature re: "Codependent No More".

You are not "giving up", if you decide to walk away from his relationship with drugs...you are walking away from YOUR relationship with drugs...and you will need help and support in order to remain strong and in recovery while you do so!!!

as I said earlier, you are not alone, there are many who will help guide you. keep going to meetings!

Freedom1990

Give up too soon? Honey, he gave up before you ever got involved with him. He gave up on himself and life in general. Relationships are supposed to be a partnership.

There is no such thing as "somewhat sober." That is like being a little bit pregnant. You either are or you aren't.

All he did was replace one addiction for another.

I speak from both sides of the fence, as a codependent, and a recovering alcoholic addict.

Addiction (and alcoholism is a type of addiction) is a progressive disease that will continue to get worse. You are seeing how progressive it is.

Please do continue to attend Alanon. We don't get damaged overnight from the disease in our life, and we don't heal overnight either.

Alanon has been invaluable to me, along with recovery books such as "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and seeing a therapist over the years.

Sending you hugs of support!

dollydo

After nine years? No, you did not give up too soon! Time to move on.

lolcabbage

Leave too soon? Sounds more like you managed to limbo under the blast door right before the bomb went off.

Vale

Lolcabbage,
THAT'S funny! Reminds me of the repeating automatic warning in the movie
Aliens (starring Sigourney Weaver)........informing that the facility is about to
blow.......

"You now have 15 minutes to reach minimum safe distance"

(I am a big fan of being outside the blast radius at detonation time)

outtolunch

Sobriety is like pregnancy. Either one is or is not. No such thing as
" somewhat".

Giving up too soon? It only took a decade for you to right now.

Lara

[QUOTE=Freedom1990;3508671
Addiction (and alcoholism is a type of addiction) is a progressive disease that will continue to get worse. You are seeing how progressive it is.

:[/QUOTE]

Hi Freedom and everyone else.... forgive my ignorance but it is always said that addcition is a progressive disease. I understand 'progressive' but not in the context of addiction. Does this mean that even if the addict is in recovery - that the disease gets worse over the years? What gets worse - the chemical changes in the body or the phychological changes? Does this mean for instance, that whenver there is a relapse - the relapse becomes more intense, more damaging, more dangerous? Or the addicst ability to see 'the wood for the trees' and for the addict to want to get better??
I am asking as H's addiction with cocaine began in 2007. He went into rehab in 2011. He has been a year in 'recovery' though I suspect he has relapsed or is close to relapsing... is this part of this progessive road'????

Lara

Now you are all making me laugh - good to read some humour on these posts for a change... from the sublime to the ridiculous!!!!

crazybabie

I would just like to add if you feel you have had too much don't wait three decades like I did.

outtolunch

Here's my take:
Everything is progressive, including recovery.

Based on your other posts, your H is not demonstrating recovery behaviors. Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery.

I don't think it reasonable to generalize about relapse. Having said this, relapse is the opposite of wanting to get better . Want and do are two differeent things.