Out of my mind
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: troupsburg,ny
Posts: 87
Out of my mind
That is how I was. When I could not find my son I went out of my mind. I was out on the streets asking people where the drug houses were. I had a metal baseball bat with me and I would bang on their doors and demand they tell me where my son was.
I was not eating or sleeping. Everyday was consumed with finding my son. I do not know how I did not go insane.
I would scream and cry for hours. I felt like ripping my hair out.
My son and I were always close. He was one of the most kind, caring, fun, loving persons I knew.
He got hurt at work and the doctor put him on Oxies. I guess, after a while he needed more and when he was short he would go on the streets and buy them. He got addicted.
One day he called me at work and said he needed me to come to his job. I went and then he told me he needed help to get off these things. He went to detox. Started going to meetings 3-4 times a week and even to counseling once a week. He even got a marriage counselor to help his wife to understand addiction. Got a new job, because almost everyone he worked with was doing them or something.
His wife stayed for about 6 months, then one day he came home and the house was empty. She just could not get past it. After that he really went down hill. We did not know until it was too late.
Why could he not come to us. Let us help him through the break up. It hurts so bad to think he thought he could not. A guy he hung out with said my son would say I am going to get numb.. That guy has since hung himself.
There is so much more but I do not need to tell it. I am sure you have heard it all or been through it too.
I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!!
I was not eating or sleeping. Everyday was consumed with finding my son. I do not know how I did not go insane.
I would scream and cry for hours. I felt like ripping my hair out.
My son and I were always close. He was one of the most kind, caring, fun, loving persons I knew.
He got hurt at work and the doctor put him on Oxies. I guess, after a while he needed more and when he was short he would go on the streets and buy them. He got addicted.
One day he called me at work and said he needed me to come to his job. I went and then he told me he needed help to get off these things. He went to detox. Started going to meetings 3-4 times a week and even to counseling once a week. He even got a marriage counselor to help his wife to understand addiction. Got a new job, because almost everyone he worked with was doing them or something.
His wife stayed for about 6 months, then one day he came home and the house was empty. She just could not get past it. After that he really went down hill. We did not know until it was too late.
Why could he not come to us. Let us help him through the break up. It hurts so bad to think he thought he could not. A guy he hung out with said my son would say I am going to get numb.. That guy has since hung himself.
There is so much more but I do not need to tell it. I am sure you have heard it all or been through it too.
I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 24
I am so sorry for you. I am fairly new here too - but I do know exactly how you are feeling.
My daughter is addicted to hydrocodone. I have done some of the things you have mentioned. I also felt as if NO ONE understood how I felt, until I found this site.
I'm finally getting to the point that I realize that I cannot help her and I refuse to enable her to use drugs. I pray that your son and everyone's child will seek and get the help they so need. We cannot do it for them - and yes, it's a helpless feeling. Mother's are supposed to be able to protect/help their children. I want my daughter back too, and her 11 month son, who is now living with me, needs his mommy. Drugs are the work of the devil.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Keep reading and posting here. It really does help. Take care of yourself.
My daughter is addicted to hydrocodone. I have done some of the things you have mentioned. I also felt as if NO ONE understood how I felt, until I found this site.
I'm finally getting to the point that I realize that I cannot help her and I refuse to enable her to use drugs. I pray that your son and everyone's child will seek and get the help they so need. We cannot do it for them - and yes, it's a helpless feeling. Mother's are supposed to be able to protect/help their children. I want my daughter back too, and her 11 month son, who is now living with me, needs his mommy. Drugs are the work of the devil.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Keep reading and posting here. It really does help. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
If you only knew some of the things I have done in my desparation to control my son's life and addiction, you would shake your head and declare me nuts. Most of us have done the unimaginable. Put ourselves in danger. Dragged others we love into dangerous situations.
I've made myself sick.....very sick.
I want my son back too. And maybe it will happen. I pray and turn him over to his higher power. And I live my life as fully as I can....one day at a time. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of hard work to get to the point where I enjoy a good measure of serenity.
I hope you are able to do the same.
gentle hugs
Ke
I've made myself sick.....very sick.
I want my son back too. And maybe it will happen. I pray and turn him over to his higher power. And I live my life as fully as I can....one day at a time. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of hard work to get to the point where I enjoy a good measure of serenity.
I hope you are able to do the same.
gentle hugs
Ke
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Octoberrain,
I'm so very sorry for your breaking heart. I say 'breaking' because even though my heart has been broken completely, I thought, so many times, it just kept breaking into more pieces time after time. It's the most unbearable pain. And when you are sure that you just can't take anymore, you are hit again with even worse pain. It's the blows that come again & again & again that just really wear us down. But guess what?! We are still standing, against all odds. And what doesn't kill us, makes us a heck of a lot stronger.
My precious beautiful son & I were also very very close. He has the sweetest most tender heart of anyone I've ever known. He was always such a good guy & so attractive in looks & personality. I've said to him many times, that I just want my real son back, because whatever took over his body is the extreme opposite from him. I love my son so very much & I miss him so very much too.
I say all of this to let you know that I can truly understand your pain. I'm so sorry that you are facing this with your very special child.
I'm so very sorry for your breaking heart. I say 'breaking' because even though my heart has been broken completely, I thought, so many times, it just kept breaking into more pieces time after time. It's the most unbearable pain. And when you are sure that you just can't take anymore, you are hit again with even worse pain. It's the blows that come again & again & again that just really wear us down. But guess what?! We are still standing, against all odds. And what doesn't kill us, makes us a heck of a lot stronger.
My precious beautiful son & I were also very very close. He has the sweetest most tender heart of anyone I've ever known. He was always such a good guy & so attractive in looks & personality. I've said to him many times, that I just want my real son back, because whatever took over his body is the extreme opposite from him. I love my son so very much & I miss him so very much too.
I say all of this to let you know that I can truly understand your pain. I'm so sorry that you are facing this with your very special child.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi October Rain, just sharing that when our heart is emptied of the memory of our loved ones before Heroin, it is the most unbearable pain. I find extreme support in sharing on this board, reading all of the stickies that help ME with my addiction to my son.
You are supported here and we all understand completely. I have been through this with my son since he was 20 and it has escalated to now not knowing where he is AT ALL which is so hurtful. I do though realize that he is not doing it to hurt me, he cannot feel anything for anyone including himself. I believe in HP and I believe in miracles. Hope is what gets me through the day but not hope that I will see him again magically cured. My Hope is he is touched by God and falls on his knees for that chance at recovery.
You are supported here and we all understand completely. I have been through this with my son since he was 20 and it has escalated to now not knowing where he is AT ALL which is so hurtful. I do though realize that he is not doing it to hurt me, he cannot feel anything for anyone including himself. I believe in HP and I believe in miracles. Hope is what gets me through the day but not hope that I will see him again magically cured. My Hope is he is touched by God and falls on his knees for that chance at recovery.
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