Told him all 'my' secrets - feel so free
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
The beach, free nanny care, the dog, the yoga, the cool rehab people, and an addict being watched 24hours a day.
It is not real life.
Real life is going to be very very tough.
Please plan to get intense counseling when you re-enter the real world, for you will need tremendous support. His chances of relapse are extremely high. That does not mean your marriage will not ultimately survive. But I believe relapse is much more likely than sobriety within the next 12 months.
Rehab people don't like the "R" word. They don't like to talk about the actual odds.
Please have a long-range plan which includes his relapsing and leaving you and the child. I'm so sorry to say that. But it will be best if you have a plan. I hope you never have to use it.
I feel such great concern for you, your belief that just love and the right positive thoughts will be the powerful antidote to his obsession to use. I feel sad when I read the confidence in your language. I feel sad because the odds are overwhelmingly tilted toward relapse and if you don't really get that, you are going to be shattered into a million pieces when he goes back out.
It is not real life.
Real life is going to be very very tough.
Please plan to get intense counseling when you re-enter the real world, for you will need tremendous support. His chances of relapse are extremely high. That does not mean your marriage will not ultimately survive. But I believe relapse is much more likely than sobriety within the next 12 months.
Rehab people don't like the "R" word. They don't like to talk about the actual odds.
Please have a long-range plan which includes his relapsing and leaving you and the child. I'm so sorry to say that. But it will be best if you have a plan. I hope you never have to use it.
I feel such great concern for you, your belief that just love and the right positive thoughts will be the powerful antidote to his obsession to use. I feel sad when I read the confidence in your language. I feel sad because the odds are overwhelmingly tilted toward relapse and if you don't really get that, you are going to be shattered into a million pieces when he goes back out.
I think you were one of the original people who declared I should not let my husband bond with his infant son, I should step away from him and give him a full year of recovery before even thinking about letting him into our lives….. not the way I went.
I love how assuming your post is. Even your beginning line:
The beach, free nanny care, the dog, yoga, the cool rehab people, an addict being watched 24 hours a day…..
First of all, we are paying a pretty penny to rent a house on the beach. But it is something we can afford. Its on the beach because that is what I wanted; being here is part vacation for me as I said because we live in Arizona. The rest is a figment of imagination. I am paying for my sons care by the nanny. I would not ask for anyone to take on an extra child especially an infant and not get paid for it. And I would not expect the wonderful woman who offered to share with me her trustworthy, reliable nanny whom she knows very well to pay for it either. Also, I have done yoga for years. It is part of my real life. I did not do yoga during my pregnancy, and so yes it is now nice to get back to it. And my husband is not being watched 24 hours a day. His rehab center is very relaxed. I have spent weekends with him since his first month there. He has flown home to spend the weekend with us and then went back. Since Ive moved, he has spent Friday through Sunday with me and my son. He has a phone, he has a laptop, he has been staying in contact with his office, and has been preparing for going back to work.
My husbands rehab is not based on the 12 steps. He has been undergoing intensive individual therapy for almost 3 months. All of it has been geared to getting him back to his real life. That is why we have been having marriage counseling twice a week for over a month now. Everything is geared to going back to real life. Everything I have been doing has been geared for that also. No, I don’t intend to put myself into intensive therapy when I get home.
If you are familiar with a rehab that doesn’t address the issue of relapse, then I don’t think it is a very good rehab. We have discussed relapse, and of course it is a possibility. But not relapsing is also a possibility and Im not facing the future afraid of a relapse.
My husband did not leave me the first time around. I told him to go many times. I said if this is the way you want to live, then go live….. and then he did. But along with that… the whole year he was living his life with drugs… he never shrugged his responsibilities. He continued to have his paycheck deposited into our joint account, and out of his money came his normal portion of the bills. However, if he hadn’t I still would have been ok, because I have my own career and Im perfectly able to support me and my son. I think I find your post annoying because it makes me out to be a helpless, hapless victim to my husbands addiction and that is simply not true. Being with him is my choice. Supporting his recovery is my choice. Im not a victim.
And once again, my comment is being misinterpreted. I did not say my love will save my husband from drugs. That is a codie way to think and maybe that is why you are reading it as such. What I said was in a reply to one specific person… what I said… what I believe…. Unshakably…. Is that many people caught up in addiction still have hopes, dreams, goals, and they still feel love. Im so happy my husband is looking forward to returning to work, he has career goals, he wants to be a good dad, and he wants to be my husband. That has nothing to do with what I want; its what he wants for himself. He wants to be off the drugs, AND he wants all these other things for himself, and he believes he needs to be off the drugs to have the life HE wants. And yes, I think that a person that has a full life and things to look forward to, things to go back to probably do have extra incentive.
And last, please don’t feel sorry for me… because like I said I don’t have the victim mentality, and what I learned by the year apart from my husband is that I am fine on my own. Its my choice to be with him, my choice to support him, and my choice to look to the future in a positive way, not a negative or fearful way. I can only wish the same for you.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by HeWhoSleeps
Thank you Impurrfect for your defining what a school of hard knocks rehab can be. For the first time in over two years...my AB is going to meetings. It may be a lie, but last night he told me he and his sponsor started working on the first step. I can't...try to hope at this point...but thinking about rehab and knowing he can't afford it. We are not affluent people. We're pretty poor. But he's trying with the 12 Steps and is on Step one. Maybe, if he's the fighter that you are...maybe he can make it to at least step 3...that's pretty much all I can wish for at the moment.
Just.
Thank you.
Just.
Thank you.
But, Its just one way... not the only way. And my post here was only to share my own and my husbands story.... if you go look under substance abuse.... you will find so many people use other methods like NA, or therapists, etc.
In fact when I first came here to this site I ran across a poll by people on this forum showing what methods of recovery are used by people here. This is the link :
SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Poll Results
What I want to show you is that even if NA does not work for him ... all hope is not lost. A persons desire to stop using drugs is what is most important. If and when they get to that point - I believe they will find a way.
Just wanted to tell you that and wish you both well.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
After your replies to others, I have to jump back in here.....
You were "on your own" for a year and into the arms of his friend.
Sorry...but that doesn't seem like you were "just fine" on your own.
Intensive therapy for yourself is strongly suggested.
I just want to know one thing.....
Of all the advice you have been given here....did you get anything out of it at all?
You were "on your own" for a year and into the arms of his friend.
Sorry...but that doesn't seem like you were "just fine" on your own.
Intensive therapy for yourself is strongly suggested.
I just want to know one thing.....
Of all the advice you have been given here....did you get anything out of it at all?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I'm one of the lucky ones. My alcoholic wife went through rehab 2 years ago and hasn't relapsed. I hear that relapse is "more common than uncommon," but the statistics are pretty unclear...when you hear things like "50 to 90% relapse," you've got to think that no one really knows. A couple of the guys my wife went through rehab with relapsed their first day out, others took longer. One young woman tragically died of her disease, leaving an orphan daughter.
I hear where Oneforcnm is coming from, and I'd like to believe that some of the things I did during and after rehab (Al-anon, couples therapy, etc.) have helped to make my wife's path a little easier. But I give my wife full credit for her own recovery, she worked hard at it and it wasn't easy.
Still, I lean toward anvilheads view of the world. I know my wife is fierce about her recovery, and she really is doing it for herself.
But again, I'm fortunate and I haven't had to suffer through one, or repeated relapses. I hope, Oneforcnm, that you'll consider this supportive if I say: I wish you only the best, and I hope, for both of you that he is successful in his recovery. And if he struggles with his recovery, I just ask you to be gentle with yourself and with him. Don't feel like your love wasn't important enough to him. His addiction is not about you, and his addiction does not define who he is. It's just a battle he's got to fight.
I hear where Oneforcnm is coming from, and I'd like to believe that some of the things I did during and after rehab (Al-anon, couples therapy, etc.) have helped to make my wife's path a little easier. But I give my wife full credit for her own recovery, she worked hard at it and it wasn't easy.
Still, I lean toward anvilheads view of the world. I know my wife is fierce about her recovery, and she really is doing it for herself.
But again, I'm fortunate and I haven't had to suffer through one, or repeated relapses. I hope, Oneforcnm, that you'll consider this supportive if I say: I wish you only the best, and I hope, for both of you that he is successful in his recovery. And if he struggles with his recovery, I just ask you to be gentle with yourself and with him. Don't feel like your love wasn't important enough to him. His addiction is not about you, and his addiction does not define who he is. It's just a battle he's got to fight.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
We each had to take our own path. We tried everything in our power to "fix" our relationship to "fix" our addict. We ran the gamut and those of us who were fortunate to reach rock bottom, find the truth and embraced the truth that set us free arrived at that place after a long hard journey.
Most of us had to find our way to recovery on our own. It is through that long hard journey that we found recovery. None of us did it perfectly. We stumbled and fell, tripped and had pauses. We know recovery is a process not an event.
We come here and read post and our heart is to help those that are lost and searching for answers. We know that in the beginning it is so hard to see the truth. People come here confused, lost and looking for relief.
Letting go and letting God takes complete trust no matter what the outcome. It can be very intimidating when you first arrive here because your trust has been broken time and time again. Our trust meter is totaled. It is hard not to grab on and hold tight at first because the fear of letting go means loss of control. What we don't realize is that we have no control over the addict in the first place. That is where Step 1 comes in - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. But you have to arrive at step 1 and then the other steps follow.
Some of us step backwards, some of us do the steps out of order. I began my codependent recovery starting out at step 2.
Many come here and start their journey into recovery, but relapse. Seeds were planted during their stay and when life gets to unbearable and sitting at rock bottom looking for a way out .. they can call upon the knowledge that they learned while here and a lot of people find their way back here and ready and willing to do whatever it takes.
No matter where people are in their journey we can be here and be supportive. We can share with them our story/experience and what brought us into recovery. We can lend them our knowledge, but if we try to take them by force all that is going to do is cause them to choose to run far, far away.
I am going to step out and say that I was one of the people that didn't think it was a good idea for cnm to up and move closer to her husbands rehab and I stand by my words that I posted at the time she was considering it, but the fact is it is her journey. She has the right to choose what path she wants to take. We may not agree with her choice, but we have to respect that right.
I have read the replies on this thread and this is just my opinion, but I find some of the things that are being said are like a blunt force attack. cnm is not doing what we want her to do so now lets get out the brutal force. Not okay :/
We are here to help not hurt. We must always remember where we came from and treat people with compassion. You can still tell it like it is, but not be badgering.
SR is a safe place to come. We welcome people here. We embrace them and meet them right where they are. We share our stories and experiences and help guide those that are searching for direction.
Cnm, made a decision to move closer to her husbands rehab ... she is satisfied with her decision. He seems to be doing well in his recovery. My only concern is that are you working a recovery program cnm? It is extremely important for you to be in recovery too and to focus on you and what you are doing in your recovery as your husbands is his.
There will be challenges when he gets out of recovery and if you've gone through recovery too you'll be better prepared to face those challenges.
If it works then a family has been restored! If it doesn't then we want SR to be a place where cnm will feel safe and welcome to come back to.
Cnm, I wish you, your husband and little baby the best. I would love to hear how you are doing. I hope you will come back from time to time and post as you feel like it. I am praying for you and your family. I hope you'll come back with good updates, but whatever the outcome my arms are open.
Just my 7 cents .. for what its worth,
Passion
Most of us had to find our way to recovery on our own. It is through that long hard journey that we found recovery. None of us did it perfectly. We stumbled and fell, tripped and had pauses. We know recovery is a process not an event.
We come here and read post and our heart is to help those that are lost and searching for answers. We know that in the beginning it is so hard to see the truth. People come here confused, lost and looking for relief.
Letting go and letting God takes complete trust no matter what the outcome. It can be very intimidating when you first arrive here because your trust has been broken time and time again. Our trust meter is totaled. It is hard not to grab on and hold tight at first because the fear of letting go means loss of control. What we don't realize is that we have no control over the addict in the first place. That is where Step 1 comes in - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. But you have to arrive at step 1 and then the other steps follow.
Some of us step backwards, some of us do the steps out of order. I began my codependent recovery starting out at step 2.
Many come here and start their journey into recovery, but relapse. Seeds were planted during their stay and when life gets to unbearable and sitting at rock bottom looking for a way out .. they can call upon the knowledge that they learned while here and a lot of people find their way back here and ready and willing to do whatever it takes.
No matter where people are in their journey we can be here and be supportive. We can share with them our story/experience and what brought us into recovery. We can lend them our knowledge, but if we try to take them by force all that is going to do is cause them to choose to run far, far away.
I am going to step out and say that I was one of the people that didn't think it was a good idea for cnm to up and move closer to her husbands rehab and I stand by my words that I posted at the time she was considering it, but the fact is it is her journey. She has the right to choose what path she wants to take. We may not agree with her choice, but we have to respect that right.
I have read the replies on this thread and this is just my opinion, but I find some of the things that are being said are like a blunt force attack. cnm is not doing what we want her to do so now lets get out the brutal force. Not okay :/
We are here to help not hurt. We must always remember where we came from and treat people with compassion. You can still tell it like it is, but not be badgering.
SR is a safe place to come. We welcome people here. We embrace them and meet them right where they are. We share our stories and experiences and help guide those that are searching for direction.
Cnm, made a decision to move closer to her husbands rehab ... she is satisfied with her decision. He seems to be doing well in his recovery. My only concern is that are you working a recovery program cnm? It is extremely important for you to be in recovery too and to focus on you and what you are doing in your recovery as your husbands is his.
There will be challenges when he gets out of recovery and if you've gone through recovery too you'll be better prepared to face those challenges.
If it works then a family has been restored! If it doesn't then we want SR to be a place where cnm will feel safe and welcome to come back to.
Cnm, I wish you, your husband and little baby the best. I would love to hear how you are doing. I hope you will come back from time to time and post as you feel like it. I am praying for you and your family. I hope you'll come back with good updates, but whatever the outcome my arms are open.
Just my 7 cents .. for what its worth,
Passion
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Thank you NYTE
there certainly IS E,S & H happening in CNM's life and posts. she is in the midst of her experience, she has a lot of strength and hope and many here are praying that her family find serenity and recovery. her own, early, E,S, & H may be triggering some here, I know I was triggered and I just need to feel it and find self awareness around it, and also...I have found it important at times to "counter" the posts for newcomers who may be further down a horrific spiral and be sent further down by a voice of "hope"...but that is the codie in me too I guess.
though I had to go through my own long journey, and I offer it up here as E,S, & H for those who "trudge the path of happy destiny" it is not the only E,S, & H. I know plenty of addicts who have been restored to family and relationship.
we are here as a voice, a community. if I had not known the stories of all those other people, and that the odds were slim, and that there was a time when hope became its own pathology, and that there was a time to let go...I would have gone insane.
we need to share in all of the stories, not just some of them.
CNM is on her own path, just as we all are
and that path, especially due to the circumstances, contains her E, S & H
grace and peace, healing and recovery, be with her & hers
there certainly IS E,S & H happening in CNM's life and posts. she is in the midst of her experience, she has a lot of strength and hope and many here are praying that her family find serenity and recovery. her own, early, E,S, & H may be triggering some here, I know I was triggered and I just need to feel it and find self awareness around it, and also...I have found it important at times to "counter" the posts for newcomers who may be further down a horrific spiral and be sent further down by a voice of "hope"...but that is the codie in me too I guess.
though I had to go through my own long journey, and I offer it up here as E,S, & H for those who "trudge the path of happy destiny" it is not the only E,S, & H. I know plenty of addicts who have been restored to family and relationship.
we are here as a voice, a community. if I had not known the stories of all those other people, and that the odds were slim, and that there was a time when hope became its own pathology, and that there was a time to let go...I would have gone insane.
we need to share in all of the stories, not just some of them.
CNM is on her own path, just as we all are
and that path, especially due to the circumstances, contains her E, S & H
grace and peace, healing and recovery, be with her & hers
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
NYTE, Your post always have a way of bring me a form of peace thank you for that.
I also find I am working step 2 and step 12 I am still bouncing on step 1 if that makes any sense. Cmn,I can assure you that all of us are pulling for you and your family nothing I like better than seeing people make it out of this Hell.
I also find I am working step 2 and step 12 I am still bouncing on step 1 if that makes any sense. Cmn,I can assure you that all of us are pulling for you and your family nothing I like better than seeing people make it out of this Hell.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>>>>>>>we are here as a voice, a community. if I had not known the stories of all those other people, and that the odds were slim, and that there was a time when hope became its own pathology, and that there was a time to let go...I would have gone insane.<<<<<<<<
Thank you lesliej......that was extraordinarily powerful,
even considering the high standards of this well
moderated resource!
Thank you lesliej......that was extraordinarily powerful,
even considering the high standards of this well
moderated resource!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Allforcnm, I wish you and your family all the best of luck. You're really not the same woman you were when you arrived here asking for our support and that's probably good in a lot of ways. I personally find your posts quite triggering- why wasn't MY baby enough to motivate her Dad to recover, why wasn't MY relationship worth it- but in reality I know noone can recover because of an external, they have to do it because of something inside themselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
A positive result of rehab is that is does give you tools. You can go to pilot's school and pass, but once you get up in that plane, it's putting those tools to use. And it sounds like since he's been home to visit etc...this is almost like a 'transitional living' facility so he can feel more comfortable about being back out in the real world. I hear both sides of this 'debate' that this post seems to have ignited...but YOU are doing the right thing by being positive & supportive--that is what YOU have chose to do. The rest will be up to him. Good Luck & God Bless...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Windmills
Allforcnm, I wish you and your family all the best of luck. You're really not the same woman you were when you arrived here asking for our support and that's probably good in a lot of ways. I personally find your posts quite triggering- why wasn't MY baby enough to motivate her Dad to recover, why wasn't MY relationship worth it- but in reality I know noone can recover because of an external, they have to do it because of something inside themselves.
Windmills, I envy you so much. You are working on you and doing a great job. Your "getting well" didn't depend on someone else "getting well." It was truly all an inside job. You were ready!!
Also, if you chose - your life can be addiction free. No "fear" of relapses, no life changing events due to drugs. So don't be triggered. You are free!!
Just remember, If it sounds too good to be true........
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
Lovemenot,
When I read your post here I sense a lot of bitterness and resentment towards Allforcnm. You have attacked her repeatedly. What I find so contradictory, is that yesterday in reply to a post I made you stated that you welcomed all experience, strength and hope from others, and you were not judgmental. You said you like to hear others success and positive accomplishments. Really? Im not sensing that here at all !
But this is a prime example of what happened to me when I came here a few weeks ago and replied in a postivie tone about my relationship and my husbands recovery which is over 5 years strong.
In this post, you have questioned Allforcnm beliefs about using the label “addict”, questioned her belief that addiction can be cured and is not a lifetime disease, you have stated that you see no experience, hope, or strength in her post, you have made comments about the cost of the rehab her husband attends, you appear to be again making negative remarks because her husband was able to take a leave of absence from his job, while your husband continued to work, you are making so many insulting comments that I cant keep track. And now you have just made a comment that says if it sounds too good to be true , well…..
My question is why do you feel the need to attack Allforcnm ?
Why can you not accept that her beliefs are not the same as yours and that is ok ?
Why do you need to compare your husband to hers ?
Why do you feel the need to criticize and minimize her familys accomplishements?
Would you like for people to attack your posts in that manner?
For example, is your husband even clean yet? Isnt he still in withdrawals for taking suboxone?
Does he still have his own separate apartment that he rented but never quite lived in full time ?
I see many posts where you are talking about his issues, and your plumbing problems…. What I sense here is a need for you to try to control another person, and your acting out because they are not doing what you think is right or acceptable. Your philosophy is not getting validated, and your methods are not being held up as successful in this case. maybe you a jealous?
I would really love to know what motivates your intense feelings towards Allforcnm ?
What I see here is a couple that are in love , working to overcome addiction issues, and at the same time working to strengthen their marriage. Three months of rehab is hard work Lovemenot. Working for three months on your marital relations is hard work. Its not the end of the road, and I don’t sense that the poster believes that. But it is a huge step.
ALLFORCNM: I congratulate you and your husband for the hard work you have put in to get where you are today. I understand your feelings of being under attack here and why you would abandon the post. But I find your story to be inspiring, and I wish you a lifetime of happiness. My husband, and I( wont call him an addict either); has been clean and free from drugs for over 5 years. It happens ! and I think you and your husband are going strong.
When I read your post here I sense a lot of bitterness and resentment towards Allforcnm. You have attacked her repeatedly. What I find so contradictory, is that yesterday in reply to a post I made you stated that you welcomed all experience, strength and hope from others, and you were not judgmental. You said you like to hear others success and positive accomplishments. Really? Im not sensing that here at all !
But this is a prime example of what happened to me when I came here a few weeks ago and replied in a postivie tone about my relationship and my husbands recovery which is over 5 years strong.
In this post, you have questioned Allforcnm beliefs about using the label “addict”, questioned her belief that addiction can be cured and is not a lifetime disease, you have stated that you see no experience, hope, or strength in her post, you have made comments about the cost of the rehab her husband attends, you appear to be again making negative remarks because her husband was able to take a leave of absence from his job, while your husband continued to work, you are making so many insulting comments that I cant keep track. And now you have just made a comment that says if it sounds too good to be true , well…..
My question is why do you feel the need to attack Allforcnm ?
Why can you not accept that her beliefs are not the same as yours and that is ok ?
Why do you need to compare your husband to hers ?
Why do you feel the need to criticize and minimize her familys accomplishements?
Would you like for people to attack your posts in that manner?
For example, is your husband even clean yet? Isnt he still in withdrawals for taking suboxone?
Does he still have his own separate apartment that he rented but never quite lived in full time ?
I see many posts where you are talking about his issues, and your plumbing problems…. What I sense here is a need for you to try to control another person, and your acting out because they are not doing what you think is right or acceptable. Your philosophy is not getting validated, and your methods are not being held up as successful in this case. maybe you a jealous?
I would really love to know what motivates your intense feelings towards Allforcnm ?
What I see here is a couple that are in love , working to overcome addiction issues, and at the same time working to strengthen their marriage. Three months of rehab is hard work Lovemenot. Working for three months on your marital relations is hard work. Its not the end of the road, and I don’t sense that the poster believes that. But it is a huge step.
ALLFORCNM: I congratulate you and your husband for the hard work you have put in to get where you are today. I understand your feelings of being under attack here and why you would abandon the post. But I find your story to be inspiring, and I wish you a lifetime of happiness. My husband, and I( wont call him an addict either); has been clean and free from drugs for over 5 years. It happens ! and I think you and your husband are going strong.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
Yes I was reading up on you LovemeNot because I wanted to understand why it is you have such intense feelings of negativity and anger towards this poster and her family. Its oozing from your words; its very sad. It would be wise for you to examine your own feelings even if you do not want to do so on this forum. I think it would be very beneficial to your own personal recovery and growth. This is not about Allforcnm this is something inside YOU.
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