Amazed at others enabling
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Amazed at others enabling
I have a 21 yr old SD that is addicted to Meth. I have completely cut her out of my life. After making the decision to do this & implementing this, I followed up with contacting the authorities, as well as reporting her numerous times to DFS for slapping her then 3 mo old baby, 3 month preemie because she wouldn't stop crying. Also because her 2 yr old son with Down Syndrome had an unexplained broken nose. She also has a 3 yr old.
Nothing has come out of this. She sells her food benefits for drugs. She spends the SSD she receives on drugs. She spends her cash assistance on drugs. So she spends approximately $1500 a month on drugs and then cries to her Dad(my ex) who then pays her rent, utilities, and buys food and diapers, provides her a car and phone.
I can honestly say I do not even worry about her or her children anymore. I have done all I can do.
My questions are as follows: why does Dad continue to fully enable? Why do the PD not ever bust her? Why does DFS give her notice they will visit, and then because she had notice she manages to have her house in order, and be not under the influence during the visit?
Why do people in general seem to not care yet I am accused of not caring when I am the only one who has set up very clear and concise boundaries and do not enable?
How does someone ever hit their bottom when life is always good for them because of Dad always taking care of things?
Nothing has come out of this. She sells her food benefits for drugs. She spends the SSD she receives on drugs. She spends her cash assistance on drugs. So she spends approximately $1500 a month on drugs and then cries to her Dad(my ex) who then pays her rent, utilities, and buys food and diapers, provides her a car and phone.
I can honestly say I do not even worry about her or her children anymore. I have done all I can do.
My questions are as follows: why does Dad continue to fully enable? Why do the PD not ever bust her? Why does DFS give her notice they will visit, and then because she had notice she manages to have her house in order, and be not under the influence during the visit?
Why do people in general seem to not care yet I am accused of not caring when I am the only one who has set up very clear and concise boundaries and do not enable?
How does someone ever hit their bottom when life is always good for them because of Dad always taking care of things?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
We enable for many reasons. We enable because we do not realize we are enabling. We enable because we have our own wants and needs about the person. We enable because we don't know any better. We enable because we need to control. We enable because we feel sorry for or pity the person. We enable because we are afraid. We enable because we think it helps. We enable because we don't know what else to do.
CPS gives them notice and opportunity to clean up because they have limited resources and huge workload. The police do nothing because they have no hard evidence.
I understand your anger. You are doing the right thing. The sick people point their finger at you because it makes them feel better about themselves and because that is what the disease does to poison their minds. We live a life of lies because we are surrounded by addiction.
CPS gives them notice and opportunity to clean up because they have limited resources and huge workload. The police do nothing because they have no hard evidence.
I understand your anger. You are doing the right thing. The sick people point their finger at you because it makes them feel better about themselves and because that is what the disease does to poison their minds. We live a life of lies because we are surrounded by addiction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Enablers enable, very simply, to try to stop their own pain and discomfort.
It is particularly upsetting when there are small children involved. It is particularly painful for most people to stop enabling the addict when children are being neglected or abused. I would bet that your ex is doing his best to help those babies more than he is trying to help his addicted daughter.
gentle hugs
ke
It is particularly upsetting when there are small children involved. It is particularly painful for most people to stop enabling the addict when children are being neglected or abused. I would bet that your ex is doing his best to help those babies more than he is trying to help his addicted daughter.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I fully understand your frustration and experience it myself regarding my adult AS. He let me know he now has been found to be the father of a child and yet I distance myself from the whole situation. And because I distance myself I know I am the talk of that part of the family that knows about this. I also suspect I would be the talk of anyone and everyone who knew I was not stepping in to make sure this baby has all she needs. Heck, I even feel that way at Alanon meetings, esp when, at a table of 10 people, at least 3 of them are taking on the care of 50% to 100% of a grandchild.
The only thing I have to say to people should the subject come up, including to my son, is "the root problem is drugs and alcohol. If my son wants to get help to deal with that problem, I will help in any way I can. Other than that, I've got nothing to offer." When other people look at me or think of me, I want it to be connected to that solution spoken in a simple, concise way.
That's my ESH. Hope it helps.
The only thing I have to say to people should the subject come up, including to my son, is "the root problem is drugs and alcohol. If my son wants to get help to deal with that problem, I will help in any way I can. Other than that, I've got nothing to offer." When other people look at me or think of me, I want it to be connected to that solution spoken in a simple, concise way.
That's my ESH. Hope it helps.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Addicts also USE children to get you to enable them. Addicts use children the same as they use adults, and have no qualms about doing so. They use children as scapegoats, they use them to win arguments, they use them as go-betweens between the addict and the other parent, they take them away from you to hurt you and manipulate you into enabling, they use them as pawns in a very sick game that is damaging to everyone involved, and most damaging to the children.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
The police and social service agencies do not take more action because they are over burdened and under funded and most likely have other cases or circumstances that are of higher priority. Not that your daughter and her children's issues are not important to you or more importantly to her father.
Also, the social service agencies work very, very slowly, so they may follow up on complaints, but they may not get around to it for months - sad situation.
I hear your frustration and send you serene thoughts.
Also, the social service agencies work very, very slowly, so they may follow up on complaints, but they may not get around to it for months - sad situation.
I hear your frustration and send you serene thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
I have nothing new to add to all the wise posts here. I'm just so sorry for your pain and frustration. There's an enabler in my son's life--his dad--and I have to put the thoughts aside just to get through the day sometimes.
I get angrier at the enabler than the addict, so have to use all my skills to cope.
Wishing you some peace in this turmoil.
I get angrier at the enabler than the addict, so have to use all my skills to cope.
Wishing you some peace in this turmoil.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Please don't stop caring about the kids. They have no voice! Please keep calling if you know they are being abused!
I worked in that field. There are good and bad case workers. Please keep trying or go to a supervisor.
I worked in that field. There are good and bad case workers. Please keep trying or go to a supervisor.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by sojourner 
I fully understand your frustration and experience it myself regarding my adult AS. He let me know he now has been found to be the father of a child and yet I distance myself from the whole situation. And because I distance myself I know I am the talk of that part of the family that knows about this. I also suspect I would be the talk of anyone and everyone who knew I was not stepping in to make sure this baby has all she needs. Heck, I even feel that way at Alanon meetings, esp when, at a table of 10 people, at least 3 of them are taking on the care of 50% to 100% of a grandchild.
The only thing I have to say to people should the subject come up, including to my son, is "the root problem is drugs and alcohol. If my son wants to get help to deal with that problem, I will help in any way I can. Other than that, I've got nothing to offer." When other people look at me or think of me, I want it to be connected to that solution spoken in a simple, concise way.
That's my ESH. Hope it helps.
The only thing I have to say to people should the subject come up, including to my son, is "the root problem is drugs and alcohol. If my son wants to get help to deal with that problem, I will help in any way I can. Other than that, I've got nothing to offer." When other people look at me or think of me, I want it to be connected to that solution spoken in a simple, concise way.
That's my ESH. Hope it helps.
I Let Go and I Let God.
p.s. The children are now teenagers and they're fine. They did not die even though I was not in their lives for so long (sarcasm).
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Thank you for the very heartfelt answers. ASD almost died in December, due to sepsis from a burst appendix when she was 6 mo pg. Her body rejected the baby and pushed her out. Seems odd, but that's what happened. Baby was born into a toilet at the hospital. What saved her was the fact that she was born inside her amniotic sac, it all came out as one, and our family DR was quick enough to grab her out of toilet and rip open sac. Truly a miracle.
When ASD finally came home from hospital she had an open incision to drain out the infection and I would go there every evening and pack the wound and change dressings. Then when baby came home my 18 yr old daughter which is the step sister and I would help with kids, kept baby for 10 days straight, with no word from ASD.
It finally came to me cutting her off, when baby was sick and she refused to take her to DR. Since I refused to watch her children until they got medical care, she went off on me, and then simply just dropped them off elsewhere.
I have a RAH who has been sober for 3 years. I learned a lot about enabling and such when he was going through treatment.
I do not have any bad feelings about having no contact with her or the children. I do get irritated though that the ex and everyone else acts as if they don't see the drug use.
I have 3 younger children with the ex, so TBH my real issue is I am horrified thinking about what will happen if 1 of my children becomes an addict. I feel As long as Daddy has the money all my kids, step kids included will have issues that he supports.
When ASD finally came home from hospital she had an open incision to drain out the infection and I would go there every evening and pack the wound and change dressings. Then when baby came home my 18 yr old daughter which is the step sister and I would help with kids, kept baby for 10 days straight, with no word from ASD.
It finally came to me cutting her off, when baby was sick and she refused to take her to DR. Since I refused to watch her children until they got medical care, she went off on me, and then simply just dropped them off elsewhere.
I have a RAH who has been sober for 3 years. I learned a lot about enabling and such when he was going through treatment.
I do not have any bad feelings about having no contact with her or the children. I do get irritated though that the ex and everyone else acts as if they don't see the drug use.
I have 3 younger children with the ex, so TBH my real issue is I am horrified thinking about what will happen if 1 of my children becomes an addict. I feel As long as Daddy has the money all my kids, step kids included will have issues that he supports.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Here's a tidbit that might help someone......NEVER take off your armor in front
of an addict.I told the person I was helping of some pretty traumatic early life
episodes with addiction.....centered on what it felt like to be a ___ old boy whose
______ was torn apart by addiction.
....BOY did that get used against me!
of an addict.I told the person I was helping of some pretty traumatic early life
episodes with addiction.....centered on what it felt like to be a ___ old boy whose
______ was torn apart by addiction.
....BOY did that get used against me!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It's so easy to take moral inventory of others but much harder to do of ourselves. People may judge, let em but who cares!! The old expression.........
Don't judge a person till you've walk a mile in his shoes still holds true. I think people are less likely to judge when they have walked their own mile! And at some point in all of our lives, most of will walk it!!
I will never judge anyone ever again for trying to save and protect their own sanity!! NEVER!!!
Don't judge a person till you've walk a mile in his shoes still holds true. I think people are less likely to judge when they have walked their own mile! And at some point in all of our lives, most of will walk it!!
I will never judge anyone ever again for trying to save and protect their own sanity!! NEVER!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Dad enables, most likely, because he's hurt, frustrated, panicky, traumatized, and desperate for his child. Doesn't make it the right thing to do, but can't blame him at all. Give him time...he will eventually come to the conclusion that Dad's-love-handouts-fixing can't save her and is probably making things worse. As hard as it is to watch, HE has to come to that conclusion for himself.
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