Heartbroken
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
Heartbroken
I am very new to this and this is my first post. I am not sure that this is the right place to post this, but hopefully its a step in the right direction.
I am the wife of an addict. This is very new & so unfamiliar to me that I am looking for answers everywhere I can. Basically I have been happily married to my husband for 15 years. We had what I thought was the fairytale. We have 4 amazing children, my husband has a wonderful job, we have a beautiful home, etc.... All up until I found a bottle of pills a couple of months back. My husband finally told me that he has been addicted to hydrocodone for 6 years. I couldnt believe it....How could I have never known?!?!?! He said his addiction has never gotten better or worse and that for the whole 6 years he has taken 4-5 10mg vicodin a everyday, which is why he claims I never knew.
Then he drops a second bomb a couple days later and said that he is unhappy in our marrige & he no longer feels a connection to me. This came as a bigger shock then the pills because I felt that we were so happy. Heartbroken I went to the doctor with him and we decided that I would help taper him off of the pills as well as begin marriage counseling. We went through the whole process, but I didnt see a change in him he was just grouchy and unaffectionate. I thought the tapering went great but I found out a couple of weeks later that he was still taking the pills. He is now living with his mom and we hardly see or hear from him. He has been so involved in every part of our family, and now he is almost completely absent. My heart is broken and our children are devestated. I want him to get help so bad but he is so mean and ugly anytime I bring it up that I can no longer talk to him about it at all.
I am the wife of an addict. This is very new & so unfamiliar to me that I am looking for answers everywhere I can. Basically I have been happily married to my husband for 15 years. We had what I thought was the fairytale. We have 4 amazing children, my husband has a wonderful job, we have a beautiful home, etc.... All up until I found a bottle of pills a couple of months back. My husband finally told me that he has been addicted to hydrocodone for 6 years. I couldnt believe it....How could I have never known?!?!?! He said his addiction has never gotten better or worse and that for the whole 6 years he has taken 4-5 10mg vicodin a everyday, which is why he claims I never knew.
Then he drops a second bomb a couple days later and said that he is unhappy in our marrige & he no longer feels a connection to me. This came as a bigger shock then the pills because I felt that we were so happy. Heartbroken I went to the doctor with him and we decided that I would help taper him off of the pills as well as begin marriage counseling. We went through the whole process, but I didnt see a change in him he was just grouchy and unaffectionate. I thought the tapering went great but I found out a couple of weeks later that he was still taking the pills. He is now living with his mom and we hardly see or hear from him. He has been so involved in every part of our family, and now he is almost completely absent. My heart is broken and our children are devestated. I want him to get help so bad but he is so mean and ugly anytime I bring it up that I can no longer talk to him about it at all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome to SR, but sorry you have entered the world of addiction.
More folks will be along shortly, but I just wanted to open up with saying that this is not PERSONAL to you, at all.
You discovered and "outed" an addict, and now the addict must distance himself from you to protect his addiction. This is how addiction works. It protects its right and ability to use, at any cost, and pushes away any threat or interruption.
There are local free support groups in most communities through Nar-Anon or Al-Anon that would be a great face to face support for you as you navigate through your "new" life.
A great place to start here at SR, in addition to introducing yourself in a thread as you have done, is to read the "sticky" posts at the top of the list of forum topics. Lots of great information there.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
More folks will be along shortly, but I just wanted to open up with saying that this is not PERSONAL to you, at all.
You discovered and "outed" an addict, and now the addict must distance himself from you to protect his addiction. This is how addiction works. It protects its right and ability to use, at any cost, and pushes away any threat or interruption.
There are local free support groups in most communities through Nar-Anon or Al-Anon that would be a great face to face support for you as you navigate through your "new" life.
A great place to start here at SR, in addition to introducing yourself in a thread as you have done, is to read the "sticky" posts at the top of the list of forum topics. Lots of great information there.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Clearwater FL
Posts: 4
brem,
I feel your pain. Read all you can on addiction. I know several people that were addicted to pain pills and struggled with staying clean and others who have been clean for years and have their families back. Your are in the right place.
I feel your pain. Read all you can on addiction. I know several people that were addicted to pain pills and struggled with staying clean and others who have been clean for years and have their families back. Your are in the right place.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I have written this before. I am the addict your husband is only have been able to get out and away and restore my family. My wife confronted me and caught me at exactly the right time. I was ready fortunately and was able to turn it around. catsovermi has hit it right on the head, however, as you have confronted an addict and the addict will do anything to protect his/her addiction. I hid, sneaked, lied and manipulated everyone around me for years and knew I was doing it the whole time. It was cruel and hurt the one I value the most - my wife. Actually, the pain in her eyes was what turned me around but that is only me and not your husband nor anyone else. We are all different and until each of us finds a way there is very little someone else can do.
I was an awful person when actively addicted but feel that I am very worthwhile and worth taking a chance on now. I firmly believe that inside each addicted, blind fool there is an intelligent caring individual very much like the man you married. Others think that hoping for this will only distract you from doing what you must do as you cannot save him and the endpoint is inevitable.
There are lots of good people here and many have recovered. Learn all you can and ask questions. There are lots of us to answer and direct you to what you need - or maybe what each of us thinks you need.
I was an awful person when actively addicted but feel that I am very worthwhile and worth taking a chance on now. I firmly believe that inside each addicted, blind fool there is an intelligent caring individual very much like the man you married. Others think that hoping for this will only distract you from doing what you must do as you cannot save him and the endpoint is inevitable.
There are lots of good people here and many have recovered. Learn all you can and ask questions. There are lots of us to answer and direct you to what you need - or maybe what each of us thinks you need.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Brem
I know your pain too well. The only advice is to keep educating yourself on addiction and find a way to help yourself. Whether it's meetings, personal therapist, support groups, forums, etc. You need to find the strength and knowledge to help yourself emotionally so you can be strong for your children. You will need this. I've been living through this for years. I've tried so hard to let him see what this addiction was doing, exausted myself in ways to "help" him. When I first came here, I was looking for a way to fix him. What I actually found was a way to help myself, which is the only thing I could control. I watched a beautiful trust worthy wonderful husband and father self-destruct. I realized there was nothing I could do. The first book I read was Codependency No More. You may want to look it up. There are some great people with alot more experience on this site than me. I recently hit my bottom and am beginning to rebuild. It is devastating what these pills do to a family and the disease progresses. Protect yourself and your children.
I know your pain too well. The only advice is to keep educating yourself on addiction and find a way to help yourself. Whether it's meetings, personal therapist, support groups, forums, etc. You need to find the strength and knowledge to help yourself emotionally so you can be strong for your children. You will need this. I've been living through this for years. I've tried so hard to let him see what this addiction was doing, exausted myself in ways to "help" him. When I first came here, I was looking for a way to fix him. What I actually found was a way to help myself, which is the only thing I could control. I watched a beautiful trust worthy wonderful husband and father self-destruct. I realized there was nothing I could do. The first book I read was Codependency No More. You may want to look it up. There are some great people with alot more experience on this site than me. I recently hit my bottom and am beginning to rebuild. It is devastating what these pills do to a family and the disease progresses. Protect yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Brem,
I am sorry for the reason your here but glad you found SR.
Our stories have a lot in common.
I have been with my addicted husband (AH) for 31 years I was 15 and him 16 when we moved in together in October 2009 he told me he did not want the responsibility of a wife anymore. I moved out thankfully our kids were grown.
I know how you feel I was so lost, confused, then he finally told me he had been taking pain pills and xanax. I had no choice but to find somewhere to stay etc...
Long story short fast forward to now I have since let him move in with me several times just too have to ask him to leave again.
I have found that posting here, going to meetings and reading here as well as some books I read are helping me cope with what is now my reality.
I wish the same for you. I went through a grieving process after losing my AH I want you to know that you did not cause this, you cannot cure it and you can not control it.
You can educate yourself and get help for you and take care of your precious kids One Day at A Time.
I am sorry for the reason your here but glad you found SR.
Our stories have a lot in common.
I have been with my addicted husband (AH) for 31 years I was 15 and him 16 when we moved in together in October 2009 he told me he did not want the responsibility of a wife anymore. I moved out thankfully our kids were grown.
I know how you feel I was so lost, confused, then he finally told me he had been taking pain pills and xanax. I had no choice but to find somewhere to stay etc...
Long story short fast forward to now I have since let him move in with me several times just too have to ask him to leave again.
I have found that posting here, going to meetings and reading here as well as some books I read are helping me cope with what is now my reality.
I wish the same for you. I went through a grieving process after losing my AH I want you to know that you did not cause this, you cannot cure it and you can not control it.
You can educate yourself and get help for you and take care of your precious kids One Day at A Time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Brem,
The very best thread I have ever read on SR about pill addiction was back in 5-22-2008 when a wife named Callie posted a question on the Substance Abuse forum. A recovering addict--Bval--took the time to write a long, very detailed response to her many questions about her husband's pill addiction. You will gain much information if you read this thread.
I do not know how to cut and paste links, so I am going to tell you how to find the thread:
1. In the blue bar across the top of this page you will see the word "Search" (between "My posts" and "Quick Links.") Click on "Search".
2. In the drop down, click on "Advanced Search."
3. In the Keyword box on the page that opens, type this:
To Callie and all other spouses
4. Click "Search now" at the bottom of the page.
You will then see the thread. It goes several pages and you should read it. Callie's story of her opiate-addicted husband was pivotal for me in my recovery.
If you can't find the thread, let us know, maybe someone with better skill can give you a simple link to it.
I'm sorry for what you have discovered. I hope we can help.
The very best thread I have ever read on SR about pill addiction was back in 5-22-2008 when a wife named Callie posted a question on the Substance Abuse forum. A recovering addict--Bval--took the time to write a long, very detailed response to her many questions about her husband's pill addiction. You will gain much information if you read this thread.
I do not know how to cut and paste links, so I am going to tell you how to find the thread:
1. In the blue bar across the top of this page you will see the word "Search" (between "My posts" and "Quick Links.") Click on "Search".
2. In the drop down, click on "Advanced Search."
3. In the Keyword box on the page that opens, type this:
To Callie and all other spouses
4. Click "Search now" at the bottom of the page.
You will then see the thread. It goes several pages and you should read it. Callie's story of her opiate-addicted husband was pivotal for me in my recovery.
If you can't find the thread, let us know, maybe someone with better skill can give you a simple link to it.
I'm sorry for what you have discovered. I hope we can help.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
It is a must read !!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Brem,
The very best thread I have ever read on SR about pill addiction was back in 5-22-2008 when a wife named Callie posted a question on the Substance Abuse forum. A recovering addict--Bval--took the time to write a long, very detailed response to her many questions about her husband's pill addiction. You will gain much information if you read this thread.
I do not know how to cut and paste links, so I am going to tell you how to find the thread:
1. In the blue bar across the top of this page you will see the word "Search" (between "My posts" and "Quick Links.") Click on "Search".
2. In the drop down, click on "Advanced Search."
3. In the Keyword box on the page that opens, type this:
To Callie and all other spouses
4. Click "Search now" at the bottom of the page.
You will then see the thread. It goes several pages and you should read it. Callie's story of her opiate-addicted husband was pivotal for me in my recovery.
If you can't find the thread, let us know, maybe someone with better skill can give you a simple link to it.
I'm sorry for what you have discovered. I hope we can help.
The very best thread I have ever read on SR about pill addiction was back in 5-22-2008 when a wife named Callie posted a question on the Substance Abuse forum. A recovering addict--Bval--took the time to write a long, very detailed response to her many questions about her husband's pill addiction. You will gain much information if you read this thread.
I do not know how to cut and paste links, so I am going to tell you how to find the thread:
1. In the blue bar across the top of this page you will see the word "Search" (between "My posts" and "Quick Links.") Click on "Search".
2. In the drop down, click on "Advanced Search."
3. In the Keyword box on the page that opens, type this:
To Callie and all other spouses
4. Click "Search now" at the bottom of the page.
You will then see the thread. It goes several pages and you should read it. Callie's story of her opiate-addicted husband was pivotal for me in my recovery.
If you can't find the thread, let us know, maybe someone with better skill can give you a simple link to it.
I'm sorry for what you have discovered. I hope we can help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your response. I am feeling that I have come to the right place. It is a hard lesson to not take his words and actions personally, but to realize that the addiction has taken my husband and that I am no longer fighting him but the disease itself. He is mad at me for telling our 14 year old twins the truth about his addiction. He wanted me to tell them the same story he is telling everyone which is "we" were having problems, which he says HE has been for a long time....none of which I knew of. All he is worried about is other peoples perception of him and his image.....its disgusting to me how egotistical he is.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Brem,
Remember that he has to continue to hide his addiction in order to protect himself. It isn't necessarily a matter of egotism but it certainly is a matter of addiction. In order to announce his addiction to the world he has to admit it to the world. Once it is common knowledge then the expectation that he is going to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT becomes an intolerable pressure. The addict will always hide under a rock.
Remember that he has to continue to hide his addiction in order to protect himself. It isn't necessarily a matter of egotism but it certainly is a matter of addiction. In order to announce his addiction to the world he has to admit it to the world. Once it is common knowledge then the expectation that he is going to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT becomes an intolerable pressure. The addict will always hide under a rock.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I hid my husband's addiction from our kids. Heck, I hid it from myself. I may not have caused it, I know I couldn't control is (I tried), and I can't cure it......but I contributed to it as an enabler. I became as sick as our secrets!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
This is what I question so much. Should I tell people the truth about his addiction when they ask why we are seperated or do I stick with his story of "WE" were having problems which he has now almost even convinced me of? I worry that letting his secret out will do more damage to our marriage and that it will be irrepairable from that point.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by brem
This is what I question so much. Should I tell people the truth about his addiction when they ask why we are seperated or do I stick with his story of "WE" were having problems which he has now almost even convinced me of? I worry that letting his secret out will do more damage to our marriage and that it will be irrepairable from that point.
The enabler in my family gets very angry at me when I don't keep these secrets. All I know is that in the past, keeping secrets for her made it easier for her to be an addict. I made a decision to stop doing things that made it easier for her to be an addict.
I know it's not the same situation, but thanks for letting me share. I hope you can find the light to guide you through the abyss.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I really don't know the answer to that. I did eventually tell EVERYONE!! I can't say if that helped or not!
But I do know this much.....where there is active addiction, there is no hope for a marriage and a family!! It will get worse....it DOES progress and DOES destroy! I am so sorry. Please learn all you can about addiction, keep posting! There are many people here who KNOW what they are talking about.
My husband wanted to come home so badly, "he had stopped taking pills" and I was thrilled. But I was honestly and wisely warned not to let him. I couldn't understand. Why would he want to come home and NOT stop....he knew I would catch on eventually and kick him out again....so why?? It was explained, if he came home and had the "illusion" of his family and home again, he (his addiction) would be protected - "see, it's not that bad." The addict will protect his addiction at all costs and the disease will lie and stop at nothing to continue. Addiction is very complicated and very evil!!
BTW - he had NOT stopped! He was even telling me he was going to NA and AA meetings - mostly lies.
But I do know this much.....where there is active addiction, there is no hope for a marriage and a family!! It will get worse....it DOES progress and DOES destroy! I am so sorry. Please learn all you can about addiction, keep posting! There are many people here who KNOW what they are talking about.
My husband wanted to come home so badly, "he had stopped taking pills" and I was thrilled. But I was honestly and wisely warned not to let him. I couldn't understand. Why would he want to come home and NOT stop....he knew I would catch on eventually and kick him out again....so why?? It was explained, if he came home and had the "illusion" of his family and home again, he (his addiction) would be protected - "see, it's not that bad." The addict will protect his addiction at all costs and the disease will lie and stop at nothing to continue. Addiction is very complicated and very evil!!
BTW - he had NOT stopped! He was even telling me he was going to NA and AA meetings - mostly lies.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
My situation is with my son and his enabler father, my ex, so it is not the same as yours, but boy do I hate secrets, especially the "shameful" ones. My ex has contributed to the mess with my son because he lied, concealed, etc.
Only you can discern when, how and to whom you would share the truth of your situation. Not everyone needs to know. But sharing the scary truth with sane, supportive people can allow some air and breathing space into your life--always a good thing. Sharing at an Alanon or Naranon meeting is a good start. Your children could benefit from therapeutic support, as well (Alateen or private counseling).
I hope you find some clarity and peace as you navigate this road.
Only you can discern when, how and to whom you would share the truth of your situation. Not everyone needs to know. But sharing the scary truth with sane, supportive people can allow some air and breathing space into your life--always a good thing. Sharing at an Alanon or Naranon meeting is a good start. Your children could benefit from therapeutic support, as well (Alateen or private counseling).
I hope you find some clarity and peace as you navigate this road.
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