relationship falling apart after getting clean
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
relationship falling apart after getting clean
Hi everyone,
I know 'they' say that relationships often dissolve when one partner is in recovery, but I am wondering if this situation is typical.
I've been in a relationship for 4 years. I knew my partner was a user but never realized the extent of it. She has been clean since January and working through all of the 'stuff' that goes along with it. In this process, she realized that she has no desire to be close to me. She does not want to be affectionate at all and spends most of her time out of the house. She says she is happy with the way our relationship is now, but it is a shell of what it used to be. She admitted that if we break up, she won't care about losing the relationship- she'll care about losing her best friend.
We both realize that we can't be together like this because while she's okay with the way our relationship is, I am not. She does not see our situation changing- she simply doesn't have romantic feelings for me. The only time they'll come out is if she has a few drinks. She correlates her feelings for me with her drug use and thinks that now that the drugs are gone, she is unable to feel romantic love.
This has been going on since about a month after she got clean. For the first month it was like a honeymoon. After that, she pulled away and it's never been the same. She was infatuated with me for a long time and put me on a pedestal. Through everything I never doubted her love for me or doubted that we would be together for life. But now she is literally a different person who almost never has any emotions.
Has anyone been through this? What actually happened here? I am still very much in love with her despite feeling betrayed and alone.
I know 'they' say that relationships often dissolve when one partner is in recovery, but I am wondering if this situation is typical.
I've been in a relationship for 4 years. I knew my partner was a user but never realized the extent of it. She has been clean since January and working through all of the 'stuff' that goes along with it. In this process, she realized that she has no desire to be close to me. She does not want to be affectionate at all and spends most of her time out of the house. She says she is happy with the way our relationship is now, but it is a shell of what it used to be. She admitted that if we break up, she won't care about losing the relationship- she'll care about losing her best friend.
We both realize that we can't be together like this because while she's okay with the way our relationship is, I am not. She does not see our situation changing- she simply doesn't have romantic feelings for me. The only time they'll come out is if she has a few drinks. She correlates her feelings for me with her drug use and thinks that now that the drugs are gone, she is unable to feel romantic love.
This has been going on since about a month after she got clean. For the first month it was like a honeymoon. After that, she pulled away and it's never been the same. She was infatuated with me for a long time and put me on a pedestal. Through everything I never doubted her love for me or doubted that we would be together for life. But now she is literally a different person who almost never has any emotions.
Has anyone been through this? What actually happened here? I am still very much in love with her despite feeling betrayed and alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
lets just pretend she is clean and this is just any other relationship...and we go back to the statements you made...
We both realize that we can't be together like this because while she's okay with the way our relationship is, I am not.
She admitted that if we break up, she won't care about losing the relationship- she'll care about losing her best friend.
she sees you as a friend and isn't being intimate anymore and hence the no romance. if it were a case of her going through some personal recovery and she just needed some space (i stopped having sex with my husband for 2years while i dealt with the sexual abuse when i was a kid) she would tell she is confronting her issues and just needs time. but she isn't. she is telling you she sees you as a friend. time to move on and find someone who will love you the way you were meant to be loved. you already know what you need to do. now to find the courage to do it. and by the sounds of it your gf will be just fine with it. good luck for i know how hard it is to let someone you care about and love go.
We both realize that we can't be together like this because while she's okay with the way our relationship is, I am not.
She admitted that if we break up, she won't care about losing the relationship- she'll care about losing her best friend.
she sees you as a friend and isn't being intimate anymore and hence the no romance. if it were a case of her going through some personal recovery and she just needed some space (i stopped having sex with my husband for 2years while i dealt with the sexual abuse when i was a kid) she would tell she is confronting her issues and just needs time. but she isn't. she is telling you she sees you as a friend. time to move on and find someone who will love you the way you were meant to be loved. you already know what you need to do. now to find the courage to do it. and by the sounds of it your gf will be just fine with it. good luck for i know how hard it is to let someone you care about and love go.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I heard someone talk today about his relationship with his partner before recovery and then after recovery. What worked when he was in active addiction and his partner in the codependent role (all the enabling, good days, bad days, and on going forgiveness) did not work when he was clean and sober. He had to move on from the relationship though his partner was the love of his life. What you and your girlfriend had while she was in active addiction has changed. You might want to look at why your relationship worked for you and your girlfriend while she was in active addiction. Addicts and enablers go hand in hand, but if she is to recover fully she does not need an enabler in her life.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
She was infatuated with me for a long time and put me on a pedestal
what i believe happened is you got an inflated ego. she has decided to get a different higher power since the one she had( you) didnt help her.
this would be a great time for you to start learning about yourself
what i believe happened is you got an inflated ego. she has decided to get a different higher power since the one she had( you) didnt help her.
this would be a great time for you to start learning about yourself
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by impossible 
She does not see our situation changing- she simply doesn't have romantic feelings for me. The only time they'll come out is if she has a few drinks. She correlates her feelings for me with her drug use and thinks that now that the drugs are gone, she is unable to feel romantic love.
This has been going on since about a month after she got clean. For the first month it was like a honeymoon. After that, she pulled away and it's never been the same. She was infatuated with me for a long time and put me on a pedestal. Through everything I never doubted her love for me or doubted that we would be together for life. But now she is literally a different person who almost never has any emotions.
This has been going on since about a month after she got clean. For the first month it was like a honeymoon. After that, she pulled away and it's never been the same. She was infatuated with me for a long time and put me on a pedestal. Through everything I never doubted her love for me or doubted that we would be together for life. But now she is literally a different person who almost never has any emotions.
I dont have an answer, but I question a couple of things you said.
She correlates her feelings for you with drugs
She is unable to feel romantic love
She almost never has any emotions
If she has stopped using, is it really only her feelings for you have changed, or is it that she has a flat overall mood. Does she have depression or other mood disorders possibly that are just now showing up?
Since you said that she doesnt stay home most of the time, I would ask where does she go? When my husband was using, he left the house too because he wouldnt use in front of me. That was our biggest problem, that he wanted to be out with his friends using drugs until 3 am.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 40
Perhaps post this on the Substance Abuse board
It's not that unusual for people in early recovery to find themselves unable to deal with intimacy; drugs and alcohol smooth the way for people who can't soberly manage closeness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you for all of your comments.
To those who asked where she is, she's at work. Her job gets very busy in the spring and summer so this isn't very surprising to me. While I certainly get suspicious of her whereabouts, I have confirmed that she is physically at work multiple times. She is the kind of person who likes to get lost in her tasks. However, after everything I don't trust her and I can't keep checking up on her randomly to make sure she's not doing drugs. I realize this is not my responsibility.
And yes, I know that she is not really clean. She is leaps and bounds ahead of where she was last year, but I realize that she cannot continue drinking, regardless of how infrequently, if she wants to stay off drugs.
Yes, she does have a mood disorder that she is being treated for, which does complicate this whole thing. I don't know what to believe anymore, but I know that her feelings for me beyond friendship are gone and because of that, our relationship will not survive.
Your words have brought me comfort and I thank you all.
To those who asked where she is, she's at work. Her job gets very busy in the spring and summer so this isn't very surprising to me. While I certainly get suspicious of her whereabouts, I have confirmed that she is physically at work multiple times. She is the kind of person who likes to get lost in her tasks. However, after everything I don't trust her and I can't keep checking up on her randomly to make sure she's not doing drugs. I realize this is not my responsibility.
And yes, I know that she is not really clean. She is leaps and bounds ahead of where she was last year, but I realize that she cannot continue drinking, regardless of how infrequently, if she wants to stay off drugs.
Yes, she does have a mood disorder that she is being treated for, which does complicate this whole thing. I don't know what to believe anymore, but I know that her feelings for me beyond friendship are gone and because of that, our relationship will not survive.
Your words have brought me comfort and I thank you all.
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