lightseeker

In another thread I posted that I am willing and ready to give up shame and I named the things that I am ashamed of. Rather than hijack that thread I realized that I need to start a separate one.

I think that shedding light on the feelings of shame and humiliation for my life choices is one of the ways that I am healing. Recognition is huge and for a long time I didn't even recognize those feelings and behaviors for what they were. Becoming willing to name them as things that I am giving up is a big step.

I recognize the healing that is occurring. Working my program in conjunction with a spouse's addiction was one thing. Oh....I definitely get it that my program is for me....but dealing with a child's addiction has brought up a whole lot of old feelings and emotions that I wasn't so aware of.....thus the deeper probing that is occurring.

I'm exploring those feelings and recognize the unhealthy aspects of them. Luckily, I know to look for the gratitude in it all and realize that it will come in time. As I get to the root of the shameful feelings and recognize the guilt and regret that are bubbling up I'm wondering if there are those of you that have gone through this would share your ESH.....

Chino

I had to forgive myself for contributing to my daughter's issues. My actions weren't going away and she/I needed me to deal with all of it, so I could contribute to her recovery. I don't think I'll ever forget apologizing to my daughter, the remorse I felt.

I struggled with gratitude and no regrets. How was I supposed to find gratitude for acting like an egotistical control freak ass? Well, in spite of everything, my daughter still loved me and wanted me in her life. There was my gratitude: we were no longer where we used to be, we were some place better.

If I hold onto regrets, I cannot fully embrace gratitude. They cannot co-exist in the same space. No matter what happens with her, from today to eternity, I'll never ever again be who I was.

Ann

Probably the hardest part of my recovery was dealing with blame, shame and guilt. I was ashamed of my son's addiction. I was ashamed of my life and how I was living a lie as most people had no idea of what went on "in my house". I blamed myself for my son's addiction. I blamed my son for my codependency and the issues that evolved. And I felt guilty because I couldn't save either one of us...until I finally surrendered and saved myself.

To get through it I had to own my part in what my life had become. I had to own my bad behaviour and how I had allowed my life to become a disaster and war zone.

Once I acknowledged my part, accepted that I could not change his part, I could take action (the three A's) to let go of my pain and move forward...and I began by forgiving myself for everything I ever did and thanking God for the lessons I learned.

We can only step out of the darkness when we...step out of the darkness. That means moving forward with faith and hope for brighter days ahead. I love the expression "don't look back, you're not going there", it helps me let go of regret and live in gratitude for the many blessings in my life today.

I'm glad you shared that today, lightseeker, I think we have all been where you are and it helps me to be grateful that I was able to overcome those days, and I feel good if sharing helps you overcome yours.

Hugs

lightseeker

Chino, it helps to hear from others that have made it through this. I made sincere apologies to my son this past week and know that it is in his hands now. I do know that he loves me but I also know that we still have a lot of unresolved issues. I just now had the thought that I really can't expect him to forgive me if I can't forgive myself. I'm on the road to doing that but see that I have a ways to go yet. Thank you for sharing your experience and hope!

Ann, you don't know how much that helps. I recognize where I am and I know enough recovery that I also know that I can't get there alone. It is with God's help and the outreached hands of recovery that allow me the faith to even attempt to get through this. The topic this morning at my meeting was "gratitude". I realize that that is the path through this. I have lots to be grateful for and this forum and your friendship are at the top of the list. Thank you so much for your support and willingness to share your experiences.