Texting, texting and I just don't care!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Texting, texting and I just don't care!
My husband has been texting me periodically over the past 4 days, all this lovey smooches stuff. He says he misses me and the kids, and apologizing for how he messed up, says he is 11 days clean and going to NA meetings. He then goes to check out fun activities in the new area we were supposed to be moving to and sends pics. Most of these texts are coming while I am at work. I feel twinges of guilt. I remember FOG and push the guilt away. I think he can feel I am detaching. He doesn't know I am leaving him. I don't have the desire to lie about it so I don't text back. I feel anxious because I am defying what he wants, an answer back. Then I feel kind of good and strong because I am making my own choice and not allowing myself to do what he wants which is a foothold into being controlled and manipulated. He hasn't actually made a phone call. He hasn't made an attempt to call the kids he claims to miss so much on the house phone. I'm glad he is having some revelations about his behavior and hope it sticks for his sake. On my end it just wasn't soon enough. I have to live life now in the circumstances I find myself in now. I can't just move my kids across the country into uncertainty for pipe dreams and big promises, for less than two weeks of claimed sobriety and possibilities. Just two weeks ago I would have read his texts and been so happy and convinced. Now I just don't care 
The more information people share on his behaviors and addictions that I didn't know were going on, the more I'm fed up. Apparently he had a core group at his job here who were all using, and would go online and search out which K2 type substances were giving the best high, then go out and buy as much as they could. No wonder he stayed at this job so long but now is having big problems maintaining a job. I work on night shift and I am sure that he was smoking when he was supposed to be caring for the kids. Or how all our friends on this street can't stand him and are fed up, the beginning of the end being when he sent the kids to a block party unattended because he had "stuff to do" in his garage, which I now know is his place in the home to use, and tthat was over two years ago. (I was working) then he told me it was my fault because I was working and in school, and to get my "fat ass out on the sidewalk and patch things over.". Why do I even put up with this stuff.
. The more I look at our history but especially the past 4-5 years, I am flabbergasted with how much addiction he hid from me and how much abuse I have born. What an adept manipulator. Can't wait to breath the free air of legal separation and my own place.
The more information people share on his behaviors and addictions that I didn't know were going on, the more I'm fed up. Apparently he had a core group at his job here who were all using, and would go online and search out which K2 type substances were giving the best high, then go out and buy as much as they could. No wonder he stayed at this job so long but now is having big problems maintaining a job. I work on night shift and I am sure that he was smoking when he was supposed to be caring for the kids. Or how all our friends on this street can't stand him and are fed up, the beginning of the end being when he sent the kids to a block party unattended because he had "stuff to do" in his garage, which I now know is his place in the home to use, and tthat was over two years ago. (I was working) then he told me it was my fault because I was working and in school, and to get my "fat ass out on the sidewalk and patch things over.". Why do I even put up with this stuff.
. The more I look at our history but especially the past 4-5 years, I am flabbergasted with how much addiction he hid from me and how much abuse I have born. What an adept manipulator. Can't wait to breath the free air of legal separation and my own place.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am sorry for the verbal and emotional abuse Erice. You sound like you are thinking clearly and healthy.
Just a word of caution - when my husband starting attending NA, by his own admission, it was a farce to protect his addiction and manipulate me again. I already knew this though (there is a great stickie about how you know if they are serious). I finally told him he was FOS. He then got serious...not sure what happened in his mind....but the change was real and serious and noticeable - not just words. But now if it lasts, remains to be seen. It's all up to him.
Just a word of caution - when my husband starting attending NA, by his own admission, it was a farce to protect his addiction and manipulate me again. I already knew this though (there is a great stickie about how you know if they are serious). I finally told him he was FOS. He then got serious...not sure what happened in his mind....but the change was real and serious and noticeable - not just words. But now if it lasts, remains to be seen. It's all up to him.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I am going through this pretty much on a weekly basis... he goes out, disappears, gets high on cocaine, I am upset, he feels sorry for himself and apologizes and says how much he needs and loves me, I forgive him, he gets moody and verbally abusive, I tell him I'm not going to take it, he goes out & gets high because of me "giving him a hard time" and the cycle continues. It has been 3 years of this! What is wrong with me?? It is difficult because we have a child together. His words and expressions of love MEAN NOTHING. He is a full-blown addict and manipulator. I am taking steps, baby-steps, and am on my way to "breathe the free air of legal separation" (nicely put). I cannot wait... As you (FindingErica) I need to stay strong and not fall for his manipulative kind FALSE words of love...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by cad235 
I am going through this pretty much on a weekly basis... he goes out, disappears, gets high on cocaine, I am upset, he feels sorry for himself and apologizes and says how much he needs and loves me, I forgive him, he gets moody and verbally abusive, I tell him I'm not going to take it, he goes out & gets high because of me "giving him a hard time" and the cycle continues. It has been 3 years of this! What is wrong with me?? It is difficult because we have a child together. His words and expressions of love MEAN NOTHING. He is a full-blown addict and manipulator. I am taking steps, baby-steps, and am on my way to "breathe the free air of legal separation" (nicely put). I cannot wait... As you (FindingErica) I need to stay strong and not fall for his manipulative kind FALSE words of love...
Sounds like my life. He's angry and crabby with everyone, disappear to garage and come back smiley and stupid, I ignore it because I am relieved he isn't being angry at everyone, then next time I get worried about it and say something, he gets defensive and angry, he blames me and tears me down, I back off and he hides his use, we settle into a holding pattern where I think he has stopped and he tries to act normal, then he gets angry again....etc.
I know in my heart that if I cave and give him another chance, once he gets what he wants- his family under his roof and under his control- he will start letting out all the anger and verbal abuse towards me for wanting to leave him that he is stifling right now. In other words once he stops using obligation to manipulate me, he will turn to fear and guilt to make sure I don't try that again. For the record he is not physically abusive, he just knows what buttons to push with me which is why I am not giving him an in right now.
My brother who saw him at his very worst is actually afraid for my physical safety now, something I have not been worried about.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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(((((FindingErica)))))
What you have been getting IS ABUSE. Mental and emotional abuse can be
as bad as physical and sometime worse.
Your brother has a very legitimate concern. Addiction is progressive and
'physical is next in line when his text manipulation do not work.
Please contact your local DV center to get some helpful advice. Change
your locks. Keep all windows locked. The minute his text messages turn
mean and back to name calling GO Fat OR A TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER
which in about 3 weeks can be turned into a PERMANENT restraining order.
Listen your brother, he wants to keep you around and is concerned for your
safety. So am I. I have volunteered at DV center for over 20 years, and
some of that was as a 'paid professional'. I cannot tell you how many times
I have heard stories like yours, and they they add "and then he got physical."
Please protect you and your children.
Remember we are walking with you in spirit.
Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care
very much.
Love and hugs,
What you have been getting IS ABUSE. Mental and emotional abuse can be
as bad as physical and sometime worse.
Your brother has a very legitimate concern. Addiction is progressive and
'physical is next in line when his text manipulation do not work.
Please contact your local DV center to get some helpful advice. Change
your locks. Keep all windows locked. The minute his text messages turn
mean and back to name calling GO Fat OR A TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER
which in about 3 weeks can be turned into a PERMANENT restraining order.
Listen your brother, he wants to keep you around and is concerned for your
safety. So am I. I have volunteered at DV center for over 20 years, and
some of that was as a 'paid professional'. I cannot tell you how many times
I have heard stories like yours, and they they add "and then he got physical."
Please protect you and your children.
Remember we are walking with you in spirit.
Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care
very much.
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
I don't mean to sound like an idiot but what is a DV?
At this point him showing up is not a major worry because he is several states away. I have a hard time picturing him getting physical but anything is possible. We move into our own place in under a month. We are heading into very uncharted territitory soon. Right now he is being extremely polite, understanding and probably using a lot of recovery jargon. Which is new and makes me wonder if things could really change but at this point there is too much uncertainty and too much damage done to the relationship. I do not know what will happen when he gets separation papers. He may freak and go back to using or jump in the car and drive here.
At this point him showing up is not a major worry because he is several states away. I have a hard time picturing him getting physical but anything is possible. We move into our own place in under a month. We are heading into very uncharted territitory soon. Right now he is being extremely polite, understanding and probably using a lot of recovery jargon. Which is new and makes me wonder if things could really change but at this point there is too much uncertainty and too much damage done to the relationship. I do not know what will happen when he gets separation papers. He may freak and go back to using or jump in the car and drive here.
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