Dating a drug abuser
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
Dating a drug abuser
Hi. My current bf of 6months is someone who enjoys recreational drugs. He has been involved in drugs for 15 years, and went to some very low points in his life. He has pretty much tried everything, but not ever stuck to any one type. Meth, pot and acid were his favourites, and now he tends to only do acid from time to time. He has been slowing opening up to me about all of this, and from someone who has had pot only twice in her 41 yr life really doesn't understand why someone would need drugs for fun. being supportive is hard, as i am frustrated why he even needs it. has has survived cancer twice in his life, his mother is an alcoholic, and since we have been together his drinking has become worse. all of his friends are from his time as an addict and they are all still drug users, with no job, live at home with parents, and no relationships. and when he catches up with them, he obviously drinks to excess and does acid. He has a good job, his own place (he rents), owns his car, and now me. He has health issues which he is embarrassed about (diabetes type 2) doesn't look after his health, doesn't exercise anymore and it seems that he is slowly going down hill.
He has been clean (barr the LSD which i have read is not addictive) for 2 years, but the drinking is getting worse (which we have discussed and he is aware of his lack of self control), but doesn't seem to do anything to help himself. it seems to me that he is waiting for someone else to fix it for him, but gets angry when i try and help.
Can anyone give me some advise about dating someone like this?
He has been clean (barr the LSD which i have read is not addictive) for 2 years, but the drinking is getting worse (which we have discussed and he is aware of his lack of self control), but doesn't seem to do anything to help himself. it seems to me that he is waiting for someone else to fix it for him, but gets angry when i try and help.
Can anyone give me some advise about dating someone like this?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Jody, glad you joined us.
Sadly, you can't fix him. If he has been using this long and tries to tell you that LSD is okay because it's not addictive, he's living in denial of how serious his problem is. You don't have to live in denial with him. Take a read around and you will see the reality of living with an active addict...and sweety, he IS an active addict.
The question this begs is how long do you want to live like this, surrounded by the darkness of addiction? Do you see a future with a man who cannot or will not find a healthier way to live? Addiction is a progressive disease, getting worse over time, not better.
The choice is yours but if you choose to stay you better buckle yourself in because it's going to be a long and bumpy ride.
You've done a good thing by reaching out here, people understand the heartache you are going through and can share what worked for them.
Hugs
Sadly, you can't fix him. If he has been using this long and tries to tell you that LSD is okay because it's not addictive, he's living in denial of how serious his problem is. You don't have to live in denial with him. Take a read around and you will see the reality of living with an active addict...and sweety, he IS an active addict.
The question this begs is how long do you want to live like this, surrounded by the darkness of addiction? Do you see a future with a man who cannot or will not find a healthier way to live? Addiction is a progressive disease, getting worse over time, not better.
The choice is yours but if you choose to stay you better buckle yourself in because it's going to be a long and bumpy ride.
You've done a good thing by reaching out here, people understand the heartache you are going through and can share what worked for them.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are playing with fire and you will get burned.
He is a long time user of drugs, he is addicted to both substance and alcohol, this is a
progressive disease that if left untreated will get worse, there is no cure, he will be an addict all his life.
This is a new relationship, one that basically has no future unless he gets sober and works a strong long term recovery program and then there are no guarantees, the recovery rate for life is less than 10%, not good odds.
It is up to you....is this how you want to live the rest of your life...dealing with an addict?
He is a long time user of drugs, he is addicted to both substance and alcohol, this is a
progressive disease that if left untreated will get worse, there is no cure, he will be an addict all his life.
This is a new relationship, one that basically has no future unless he gets sober and works a strong long term recovery program and then there are no guarantees, the recovery rate for life is less than 10%, not good odds.
It is up to you....is this how you want to live the rest of your life...dealing with an addict?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 14
Can anyone give me some advise about dating someone like this?
I'd love to tell you simply don't do it.
I'm new here too, and have struggled off & on dating a man who is an addict. He's been clean for 4 years and working a program of recovery--and it's still a roller coaster.
I'm in my 40's too. There's too much life left, or perhaps not enough, to spend it trying to sort through the train wreck of someone's addiction in recovery or not. I posted a question yesterday and had several people respond with all similar messages--and I know they are right.
A common theme that stuck out is the fact that they all thought I probably already knew the answer to my own question simply because I had joined here.
The only person you / we can "fix" is our own selves.
Good luck to you. This resource has already been invaluable to me after joining just a short 24 hours ago!
I'd love to tell you simply don't do it.
I'm new here too, and have struggled off & on dating a man who is an addict. He's been clean for 4 years and working a program of recovery--and it's still a roller coaster.
I'm in my 40's too. There's too much life left, or perhaps not enough, to spend it trying to sort through the train wreck of someone's addiction in recovery or not. I posted a question yesterday and had several people respond with all similar messages--and I know they are right.
A common theme that stuck out is the fact that they all thought I probably already knew the answer to my own question simply because I had joined here.
The only person you / we can "fix" is our own selves.
Good luck to you. This resource has already been invaluable to me after joining just a short 24 hours ago!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Hi Jody
I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, but I thought you might like to see some of the advice I was given in a thread I started recently about a guy I had been seeing. He had been using drugs recreationally for at least 15 years and I experienced some very hot and cold behaviour in the time I was seeing him. I'm still feeling very cut up about it. From what I have read, relationships between users and non-users can be quite problematic (I'm sure relationships between users and users come with their own set of problems too).
Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I almost wish I'd had a bit longer with the guy I'd been seeing so that I could have understood the depth of the habit/addiction a little more. It might have made it easier to walk away.
It might be worth keeping a diary so that you can record your feelings and his mood swings. That could be a useful reminder of what you're living with if/when you decide to walk away.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oke-habit.html
Best wishes
Bristolgirl
I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, but I thought you might like to see some of the advice I was given in a thread I started recently about a guy I had been seeing. He had been using drugs recreationally for at least 15 years and I experienced some very hot and cold behaviour in the time I was seeing him. I'm still feeling very cut up about it. From what I have read, relationships between users and non-users can be quite problematic (I'm sure relationships between users and users come with their own set of problems too).
Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I almost wish I'd had a bit longer with the guy I'd been seeing so that I could have understood the depth of the habit/addiction a little more. It might have made it easier to walk away.
It might be worth keeping a diary so that you can record your feelings and his mood swings. That could be a useful reminder of what you're living with if/when you decide to walk away.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oke-habit.html
Best wishes
Bristolgirl
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
As a recovering addict, who prefered LSD, don't let it not being addictive fool you. It is a chemical that changes the way you think. I did a lot of things I wasn't proud of so I could trip.
Also he isn't going to be ready to quit unless he is sick and tired of living the way he is. There is nothing you can do or say to make him see it. So you have options 1.) Live this roller coaster life or 2.) Get out while the relationship is young.
Also he isn't going to be ready to quit unless he is sick and tired of living the way he is. There is nothing you can do or say to make him see it. So you have options 1.) Live this roller coaster life or 2.) Get out while the relationship is young.
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thanks you everyone for you fabulous responses. part of me wishes i didn't come in here for the truth really sucks!
wow having someone who was on LSD helps, for this is the only drug he is still taking. he tells me its only 3-4 times a year, but in the last 6months its probably already been that. and he just thinks its the most amazing thing and tells me he will keep doing it. he gets angry and frustrated when i ask him why he can't get the same feeling from just being in love, or from the world around us. and we had a big disagreement when i told him that life is all about choices and he can choice to take drugs or not. he got cranky because he was trying to tell me he only takes them to feel something more intense other than the mundane of life. he didn't get my point that if life is mundane and empty then drugs weren't going to fix it. the main things we fight about are his crap friends (which i have not met any of) and the way he treats me. although no abusive, just more immature. (he has not had ANY relationship for over 10years). this is partly due to the drugs but also due to low hormone levels, which he basically didn't care about sex or want to be in a relationship. i am his first relationship in that time and i would probably be the first girl he has dated that isn't a user.
the next question is, what if i left him and he promised to stop ALL drugs and drinking? (when i first met him he didn't drink). should i give a chance to prove himself? (and not saying he will say that...for he doesn't see that LSD is an issue for him)
wow having someone who was on LSD helps, for this is the only drug he is still taking. he tells me its only 3-4 times a year, but in the last 6months its probably already been that. and he just thinks its the most amazing thing and tells me he will keep doing it. he gets angry and frustrated when i ask him why he can't get the same feeling from just being in love, or from the world around us. and we had a big disagreement when i told him that life is all about choices and he can choice to take drugs or not. he got cranky because he was trying to tell me he only takes them to feel something more intense other than the mundane of life. he didn't get my point that if life is mundane and empty then drugs weren't going to fix it. the main things we fight about are his crap friends (which i have not met any of) and the way he treats me. although no abusive, just more immature. (he has not had ANY relationship for over 10years). this is partly due to the drugs but also due to low hormone levels, which he basically didn't care about sex or want to be in a relationship. i am his first relationship in that time and i would probably be the first girl he has dated that isn't a user.
the next question is, what if i left him and he promised to stop ALL drugs and drinking? (when i first met him he didn't drink). should i give a chance to prove himself? (and not saying he will say that...for he doesn't see that LSD is an issue for him)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Figure that someone who turns to drugs in life does not want to cope, or does not cope well with life, and is immature. Now, figure that someone stops developing - has arrested development - at the age they start using, whatever their maturity and coping level is at that age.
So even IF they manage to get AND STAY clean, they have a WHOLE LOT of maturing and coping to learn. EVEN IF CLEAN, it might be another ten years of roller coaster to wait for that maturity/coping gap to close IF IT EVER DOES.
Just stopping is by no means any sort of magic bullet. It is only the very, very first step to becoming functional and mature.
CLMI
So even IF they manage to get AND STAY clean, they have a WHOLE LOT of maturing and coping to learn. EVEN IF CLEAN, it might be another ten years of roller coaster to wait for that maturity/coping gap to close IF IT EVER DOES.
Just stopping is by no means any sort of magic bullet. It is only the very, very first step to becoming functional and mature.
CLMI
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
funny thing is that i have pretty much told him that he is immature and does not understand responsibility. the way he is with his friends is what i imagine that he has been like for the past 20 odd years with them.
im guessing that he has been doing a lot more growing in the past couple of years, but his friends and his lack of wanting to take responsibility for everything in his life stops him. he keeps making excuses for why he can't change, and hates it when i correct him with the you mean won't try, or you chose not to. he hates the idea that he has a choice. he wants me in his life, and hates these other things (bar the LSD...for LSD is friggin awesome....apparently) but doesn't do anything. and gets frustrated if i keep bringing them up and wanting him to be accountable. he tells me he can fix it he just wants to do it his way in his time. then i feel bad for putting pressure on him (I'm not the most patient of people).
i am appreciating everyones support and thoughts, even though part of me would love it if you were all saying that all he needs is some love and support to get through this. but you have all been there, and i bet you have all felt that maybe the problem isn't as big as everyone is saying...as hell...its LSD even say 10 times a year (thats just doubling/tripling what he told me). but the signs are on the wall more for what is to come with the fact he has admitted that he has issues with self control and self image.
im guessing that he has been doing a lot more growing in the past couple of years, but his friends and his lack of wanting to take responsibility for everything in his life stops him. he keeps making excuses for why he can't change, and hates it when i correct him with the you mean won't try, or you chose not to. he hates the idea that he has a choice. he wants me in his life, and hates these other things (bar the LSD...for LSD is friggin awesome....apparently) but doesn't do anything. and gets frustrated if i keep bringing them up and wanting him to be accountable. he tells me he can fix it he just wants to do it his way in his time. then i feel bad for putting pressure on him (I'm not the most patient of people).
i am appreciating everyones support and thoughts, even though part of me would love it if you were all saying that all he needs is some love and support to get through this. but you have all been there, and i bet you have all felt that maybe the problem isn't as big as everyone is saying...as hell...its LSD even say 10 times a year (thats just doubling/tripling what he told me). but the signs are on the wall more for what is to come with the fact he has admitted that he has issues with self control and self image.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 30
Hi Jody
Again, no advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to say how useful it was to read your last post. The questions that you are asking your boyfriend are the questions that have been running through my mind continually for the past few months. I've never been addicted to drugs/alcohol/cigarettes so I can't understand how someone would prefer/choose that over love/sex/a relationship with someone who cares about them.
Part of me wants to experience the high that my ex felt just so that I knew what I was competing with but obviously that's not something I'm ever going to do. I did try cocaine twice with an ex but it did nothing for me and I knew that it was a very bad idea for someone like me to try it again (depressive personality - easy to get hooked on a quick fix).
I struggle to understand how a drug habit/addiction can be preferable and in all the reading I've done about cocaine (my ex's drug of choice) I still can't quite get my head around it. Both my brothers did quite a lot of drugs in their 20s but both stopped once they had other things in their lives and now neither touches the stuff they used before (one took coke, the other weed & pills).
One of the reasons my ex gave me for finishing things was that I wouldn't like his friends. Which I think says a lot about his friends as I think I'm just a nice, normal person!
The only thing I can offer about him promising to sort himself out if you leave is that you can't bank on that happening. Obviously it would be great if he did but if you do leave in the hope that it kicks him into action, you're playing a waiting game and that won't be good for you.
Really sorry you're going through this. I do understand!
Again, no advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to say how useful it was to read your last post. The questions that you are asking your boyfriend are the questions that have been running through my mind continually for the past few months. I've never been addicted to drugs/alcohol/cigarettes so I can't understand how someone would prefer/choose that over love/sex/a relationship with someone who cares about them.
Part of me wants to experience the high that my ex felt just so that I knew what I was competing with but obviously that's not something I'm ever going to do. I did try cocaine twice with an ex but it did nothing for me and I knew that it was a very bad idea for someone like me to try it again (depressive personality - easy to get hooked on a quick fix).
I struggle to understand how a drug habit/addiction can be preferable and in all the reading I've done about cocaine (my ex's drug of choice) I still can't quite get my head around it. Both my brothers did quite a lot of drugs in their 20s but both stopped once they had other things in their lives and now neither touches the stuff they used before (one took coke, the other weed & pills).
One of the reasons my ex gave me for finishing things was that I wouldn't like his friends. Which I think says a lot about his friends as I think I'm just a nice, normal person!
The only thing I can offer about him promising to sort himself out if you leave is that you can't bank on that happening. Obviously it would be great if he did but if you do leave in the hope that it kicks him into action, you're playing a waiting game and that won't be good for you.
Really sorry you're going through this. I do understand!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Jody675 
Hi. My current bf of 6months is someone who enjoys recreational drugs. He has been involved in drugs for 15 years, and went to some very low points in his life. He has pretty much tried everything, but not ever stuck to any one type. Meth, pot and acid were his favourites, and now he tends to only do acid from time to time.
If you were married to this guy, I would have a different answer to your question. But since he is just a bf of six months, and not a very nice one at that from what you've said, leave. And if breaking up with this guy causes you any kind of heartache at all, any grief, then you need to look at yourself and start working on you.
This from as addict who now realizes how destructive his drug use was to his relationships.
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nice pic of a dog doggonecarl! i have labs too. will i be upset if we broke up. no. i have learnt to not feel that way. yes it will be sad, but I'm not going to be devastated. thats one of the lessons i have learnt in my life. pathetic is not a good look. we actually almost broke up a few weeks ago because he decided getting drunk and high with his idiot mate for 2 days and then hang out with me and my kids was a good idea, and wondered why i got the ***** about him not valuing our time together.
we talked through it eventually, but it made me realised that i would be fine if it didn't work out. its not that i don't care, but I'm not emotionally embroiled in his problems. i am just looking for answers about LSD and its affects if not used much, and how to deal with his crap friends (i am not normally one to say that about someone i have never met...but i get a glimpse of who he was once like by the friends he keeps. all of them are into drugs and drinking, and most of them are living at home with their parents without a job.)
And yes ******* i have an issue with his friends. they aren't interested in meeting me, and to be honest i am not interested in meeting them. i have told him that if things ever developed into something serious and we moved in together they wouldn't be welcome and nor would ANY drug. I think he is very torn about dumping his friends for they were all there during some of his lowest times while he went through his cancer recovery. but reality is they probably thought cool, somewhere to hang out. i just wish he would walk away from them. and from someone who believes that friendship is actually more valuable than relationships, thats a big call. i just think they give him an excuse to keep taking. i can see the potential in him that is just in front of him. its like if he just takes those extra steps he can leave that life of crap behind him and then life without that temptation will be so much easier. but i know thats a dream, and unlikely to happen. he has to want to change it first. be clean. and then start his life. i can't expect to be the reason.
we talked through it eventually, but it made me realised that i would be fine if it didn't work out. its not that i don't care, but I'm not emotionally embroiled in his problems. i am just looking for answers about LSD and its affects if not used much, and how to deal with his crap friends (i am not normally one to say that about someone i have never met...but i get a glimpse of who he was once like by the friends he keeps. all of them are into drugs and drinking, and most of them are living at home with their parents without a job.)
And yes ******* i have an issue with his friends. they aren't interested in meeting me, and to be honest i am not interested in meeting them. i have told him that if things ever developed into something serious and we moved in together they wouldn't be welcome and nor would ANY drug. I think he is very torn about dumping his friends for they were all there during some of his lowest times while he went through his cancer recovery. but reality is they probably thought cool, somewhere to hang out. i just wish he would walk away from them. and from someone who believes that friendship is actually more valuable than relationships, thats a big call. i just think they give him an excuse to keep taking. i can see the potential in him that is just in front of him. its like if he just takes those extra steps he can leave that life of crap behind him and then life without that temptation will be so much easier. but i know thats a dream, and unlikely to happen. he has to want to change it first. be clean. and then start his life. i can't expect to be the reason.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well, regarding the comments you've received thus far....... if two people or more tell you it's a horse.....you'd better buy a saddle.
When you have a gut feeling that something's not right with the relationship with this man......listen to your GUT. Your gut is telling you that something's wrong or you wouldn't be here. Everyone on this forum loves someone addicted to drugs. If our love could cure them, not one of us would be here.
I think Ann said it well. If you stay in the relationship, better buckle your seatbelt....it's going to be a bumpy ride. The problem as I see it, with the very limited amount of information that we can get in a single thread, is simply that he uses drugs and he doesn't see that as a problem......but you do. And you want to fix the problem but it's not yours to fix. Thus begins the dance.
Think of a man as a "house" you were going to buy. And let's say that house is a fixer upper in pretty poor condition. Could you live in that house in the condition it's in for five or ten years (or maybe forever) because you don't have the money to fix it? Or would that make you crazy? You aren't going to be able to "fix" this guy. Can you accept him "as is"?
The answer to that question is the answer you are looking for.....and only you can answer it.
gentle hugs
ke
When you have a gut feeling that something's not right with the relationship with this man......listen to your GUT. Your gut is telling you that something's wrong or you wouldn't be here. Everyone on this forum loves someone addicted to drugs. If our love could cure them, not one of us would be here.
I think Ann said it well. If you stay in the relationship, better buckle your seatbelt....it's going to be a bumpy ride. The problem as I see it, with the very limited amount of information that we can get in a single thread, is simply that he uses drugs and he doesn't see that as a problem......but you do. And you want to fix the problem but it's not yours to fix. Thus begins the dance.
Think of a man as a "house" you were going to buy. And let's say that house is a fixer upper in pretty poor condition. Could you live in that house in the condition it's in for five or ten years (or maybe forever) because you don't have the money to fix it? Or would that make you crazy? You aren't going to be able to "fix" this guy. Can you accept him "as is"?
The answer to that question is the answer you are looking for.....and only you can answer it.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
ke
the answers I'm looking for is what others experiences are with someone who takes LSD on an irregular basis. is this something that i should be concerned about. the drinking i am concerned about more than the LSD. but yes you are right that i have my concerns. and i have my doubts, and obviously my gut is saying there is something not right here. what I'm wanting is facts from people who have no reason to lie to me. someone who isn't in love with this drug. and from the experience from people who have dealt with those who lack self control. and i am getting that. but i also do want to make sure I'm getting correct info. i could easily write his story in a light that is not all there, just like I'm sure when he tells it, it is less that complete. i use to drink every day. half a bottle of wine, a whole bottle of wine. does that make me any less than a potential addict than anyone else? difference, just as quickly as i started doing that, i release i don't need to. i can drink 1 glass and stop, even if there is only 1 glass left in the bottle. he can't. so for him he's an all or nothing it seems. but these are things I'm only just starting to realise. do i want to fix him, no. he must do that himself. i can no more fix him than he can me. but i want to make sure i completely understand whats going on and make an informed choice for myself.
everyones posts have been very helpful. and i appreciate all of them.
the answers I'm looking for is what others experiences are with someone who takes LSD on an irregular basis. is this something that i should be concerned about. the drinking i am concerned about more than the LSD. but yes you are right that i have my concerns. and i have my doubts, and obviously my gut is saying there is something not right here. what I'm wanting is facts from people who have no reason to lie to me. someone who isn't in love with this drug. and from the experience from people who have dealt with those who lack self control. and i am getting that. but i also do want to make sure I'm getting correct info. i could easily write his story in a light that is not all there, just like I'm sure when he tells it, it is less that complete. i use to drink every day. half a bottle of wine, a whole bottle of wine. does that make me any less than a potential addict than anyone else? difference, just as quickly as i started doing that, i release i don't need to. i can drink 1 glass and stop, even if there is only 1 glass left in the bottle. he can't. so for him he's an all or nothing it seems. but these are things I'm only just starting to realise. do i want to fix him, no. he must do that himself. i can no more fix him than he can me. but i want to make sure i completely understand whats going on and make an informed choice for myself.
everyones posts have been very helpful. and i appreciate all of them.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You did an excellent job of avoiding the question and I certainly don't expect you to answer it on this forum. WYSIWYG. Are you able to accept him "as is"? This is not a judgement of him or you.
My XAH was an occasional user of various drugs. Pot and alcohol were his drugs of choice (more than occasional.....frequent.......daily) LSD? Sure. Cocaine? If it was available. It wasn't that he used them that destroyed our marriage. It was the behaviors that accompanied the drug use. It was the people he brought into our home....his friends.....some of whom were very scary. It was his immaturity. It was his outlook on life. It was his manipulative behavior. It was his total disregard for what was important to our family unit. It was his refusal to go to marriage counseling or acknowledge that WE had a problem. It was his negativity. It was his tantrums and pouting if he didn't get his way. It was solely behavior. It was deflection, blame, denial, minimizing, and justifying his use. These are behaviors associated with addiction.
In addition, it was ME....hoping he loved me and our son enough to stop. It was ME trying to control who he associated with and how he behaved. It was ME trying to mold him into the man I just knew he could be. It was about my own denial. It was me too........not just him.
The current addict in my life is my adult son. We've dealt with/watched his progressive addiction for about 15 years. It is his behaviors (that mirror his biological father) that are difficult to deal with. He often justifies his use/need for his DOC just like your bf. I love him but he's very difficult to be around. He violates my boundaries with total disregard.
The reason I asked the question about whether you can accept your boyfriend "as is" is simply because he won't change just because you want him to or if he loves you enough or you love him enough. Love doesn't conquer addiction. Recovery is an inside job. My son is loved. He's been given (that's the unfortunate word here) every opportunity. College education. In patient and out patient rehabs.....multiple times. But until he embraces his own recovery, nothing will change.
We are very big on self care around here. Focusing on ourselves and not on the addicted loved one. It's the difference between what we can control and what we can't. It's about setting personal boundaries. It's about respect....for ourselves and the addict 's choices. Most of us begin this journey by wanting to hear success stories about addiction. I still want to hear success stories about addiction. But ultimately, it's about me.....and I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean that in a way that is kind and loving to me and to the addicts in my life.
I hope you stick around. There are many here who will share their journey.....and you may or may not be ready to accept and hear what they have to say. I hope you keep an open mind and take it all in.....and come to your own conclusions.
gentle hugs
ke
My XAH was an occasional user of various drugs. Pot and alcohol were his drugs of choice (more than occasional.....frequent.......daily) LSD? Sure. Cocaine? If it was available. It wasn't that he used them that destroyed our marriage. It was the behaviors that accompanied the drug use. It was the people he brought into our home....his friends.....some of whom were very scary. It was his immaturity. It was his outlook on life. It was his manipulative behavior. It was his total disregard for what was important to our family unit. It was his refusal to go to marriage counseling or acknowledge that WE had a problem. It was his negativity. It was his tantrums and pouting if he didn't get his way. It was solely behavior. It was deflection, blame, denial, minimizing, and justifying his use. These are behaviors associated with addiction.
In addition, it was ME....hoping he loved me and our son enough to stop. It was ME trying to control who he associated with and how he behaved. It was ME trying to mold him into the man I just knew he could be. It was about my own denial. It was me too........not just him.
The current addict in my life is my adult son. We've dealt with/watched his progressive addiction for about 15 years. It is his behaviors (that mirror his biological father) that are difficult to deal with. He often justifies his use/need for his DOC just like your bf. I love him but he's very difficult to be around. He violates my boundaries with total disregard.
The reason I asked the question about whether you can accept your boyfriend "as is" is simply because he won't change just because you want him to or if he loves you enough or you love him enough. Love doesn't conquer addiction. Recovery is an inside job. My son is loved. He's been given (that's the unfortunate word here) every opportunity. College education. In patient and out patient rehabs.....multiple times. But until he embraces his own recovery, nothing will change.
We are very big on self care around here. Focusing on ourselves and not on the addicted loved one. It's the difference between what we can control and what we can't. It's about setting personal boundaries. It's about respect....for ourselves and the addict 's choices. Most of us begin this journey by wanting to hear success stories about addiction. I still want to hear success stories about addiction. But ultimately, it's about me.....and I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean that in a way that is kind and loving to me and to the addicts in my life.
I hope you stick around. There are many here who will share their journey.....and you may or may not be ready to accept and hear what they have to say. I hope you keep an open mind and take it all in.....and come to your own conclusions.
gentle hugs
ke
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by Jody675
Can anyone give me some advise about dating someone like this?
What I will tell you is you will always come after the drugs on his priority list. Always. Read the sticky notes and the posts and you will find this to be true.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
I've never been able to figure out "Recreational Drug" - Just like I didn't understand what a sociable drinker was - After all, I'd drink absolutely anything, with absolutely anyone at absolutely any time, anywhere I'd happen to be. How much more sociable could I get?
Don't know what you read or where - but from experience LSD IS ADDICTIVE!!! If a drug can alter your mood, and/or make you experience an alternative reality, such as seeing huge black dogs loping alongside your vehicle at 120 kph, amongst other things like I did, and almost every other child of the 60s that tried them did .... then it HAS addictive qualities.
Don't know what you read or where - but from experience LSD IS ADDICTIVE!!! If a drug can alter your mood, and/or make you experience an alternative reality, such as seeing huge black dogs loping alongside your vehicle at 120 kph, amongst other things like I did, and almost every other child of the 60s that tried them did .... then it HAS addictive qualities.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes
My XAH was an occasional user of various drugs. Pot and alcohol were his drugs of choice (more than occasional.....frequent.......daily) LSD? Sure. Cocaine? If it was available. It wasn't that he used them that destroyed our marriage. It was the behaviors that accompanied the drug use. It was the people he brought into our home....his friends.....some of whom were very scary. It was his immaturity. It was his outlook on life. It was his manipulative behavior. It was his total disregard for what was important to our family unit. It was his refusal to go to marriage counseling or acknowledge that WE had a problem. It was his negativity. It was his tantrums and pouting if he didn't get his way. It was solely behavior. It was deflection, blame, denial, minimizing, and justifying his use. These are behaviors associated with addiction.
The nice thing is that when I got rid of the drugs and alcohol, I was able to start solving my issues and grow up. There's a saying in the program that when an alcholic/addict is still using they solve their problems by drinking or drugging it to death and never mature. Of course we act like overgrown kids, because in all respects, except size and actual age we are.
The question then becomes, does anyone really want to live or associate with someone on the maturity level of a child but the physical capabilities of a tank. What's the first thing you'd think of if you say a 15 year old walking around with an automatic weapon. For me it'd be - RUN LIKE HELL
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thanks Fred. I always love hearing the perspective of a recovering addict/alcoholic. My first baby steps toward my own recovery (codependence) was because of the brutal honesty of those in recovery. They were kind enough to point out how my own behaviors were a part of the dance of addiction. It was not something I wanted to hear at the time but it was their words that got through to me when no one else's could.
I wish there were more recovering addicts/alcoholics here in the F&F forums. The perspective from that side of the street is worth it's weight in gold.
gentle hugs
ke
I wish there were more recovering addicts/alcoholics here in the F&F forums. The perspective from that side of the street is worth it's weight in gold.
gentle hugs
ke
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