recovery of an addict.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Recovery of an addict... oddly enough, it was his recovery that finally did us in. I knew very little about recovery programs. Didn't know what was involved, what my role should be, basically let him lead me even for when we could communicate and when I could visit.
He still expresses raging resentments against me for not being supportive enough (read; didn't send enough money, didn't visit often enough, wasn't available to answer the phone at any time during the day) of him when he did 90 days 100 miles away in the mountains. At one point in time he told me he wasn't coming back home at all and he needed to be by himself for at least a year after his program ended. I initially said "okay, whatever you need to do" and then after further review said "Hold up, if you need to be alone and WE aren't any part of this picture then I think all contact should stop NOW. No more calling me multiple times when you KNOW I'm sleeping. No more asking me to send you money, bring you cigarettes, no more picking you up in the city every time you came down for another round of Dr appts, and no more visits... period!" (Much later I found out he was already screwing around with another woman even there)
We weren't able to discuss ANYTHING because simply offering a different point of view was enough to put him into a defensive tirade. I begged and begged him to discuss relationship counseling options with his program directors but he refused. He screamed at me that he had to be totally selfish to be in recovery, NOTHING was about me and that was what he was supposed to do!!! I offered up that I believed being "selfish in recovery" was intended more towards placing your recovery at the top of your priority list, NOT being a totally self-centered, rude arrogant p#$%k who did not allow anyone else around him to have any wants, needs, desires or feelings.
I questioned that he didn't believe we needed any relationship counseling while he (at that point) religiously attended counseling, therapy sessions, a variety of classes and had a TEAM of Drs, Psychologists and Psychiatrists for every other aspect of his recovery. I pointed out that if he didn't feel ready to put any effort into healing our relationship we REALLY shouldn't be attempting to live together!
It all goes even further downhill from here... he was mentally abusive, tried to micromanage EVERYTHING around the house like where I put a house plant, where I kept the coffee cups and what I cooked for dinner. He was constantly seeking attention from other women, gambling and stopped taking his meds. He appeared to develop an addiction to junk food and would eat pounds of cookies and potato chips through the night. He would get out of bed @ 2 am and run to the gas station to get a candy bar. The entire time I knew him he NEVER slept in any kind of normal pattern.
He eventually stopped attending meetings, had violent outbursts, fits of paranoia and then finally.. went back to drinking again although (as of yet anyway) he hasn't picked the pipe back up. Everything is MY fault because I was trying to CONTROL him! (I put my foot down HARD about the other women. If you want to act like you're a single man than BE ONE!)
There's a lot more to this story but in a nutshell... that's MY experience with a recovering addict. To be fair I probably should mention that he is an addict/alcoholic and has been diagnosed with a variety of things including Borderline Personality Disorder and other mood disorders, primarily drug induced. From what I've read I believe he likely also has a narcissist personality and is also a raging codependent.
He still expresses raging resentments against me for not being supportive enough (read; didn't send enough money, didn't visit often enough, wasn't available to answer the phone at any time during the day) of him when he did 90 days 100 miles away in the mountains. At one point in time he told me he wasn't coming back home at all and he needed to be by himself for at least a year after his program ended. I initially said "okay, whatever you need to do" and then after further review said "Hold up, if you need to be alone and WE aren't any part of this picture then I think all contact should stop NOW. No more calling me multiple times when you KNOW I'm sleeping. No more asking me to send you money, bring you cigarettes, no more picking you up in the city every time you came down for another round of Dr appts, and no more visits... period!" (Much later I found out he was already screwing around with another woman even there)
We weren't able to discuss ANYTHING because simply offering a different point of view was enough to put him into a defensive tirade. I begged and begged him to discuss relationship counseling options with his program directors but he refused. He screamed at me that he had to be totally selfish to be in recovery, NOTHING was about me and that was what he was supposed to do!!! I offered up that I believed being "selfish in recovery" was intended more towards placing your recovery at the top of your priority list, NOT being a totally self-centered, rude arrogant p#$%k who did not allow anyone else around him to have any wants, needs, desires or feelings.
I questioned that he didn't believe we needed any relationship counseling while he (at that point) religiously attended counseling, therapy sessions, a variety of classes and had a TEAM of Drs, Psychologists and Psychiatrists for every other aspect of his recovery. I pointed out that if he didn't feel ready to put any effort into healing our relationship we REALLY shouldn't be attempting to live together!
It all goes even further downhill from here... he was mentally abusive, tried to micromanage EVERYTHING around the house like where I put a house plant, where I kept the coffee cups and what I cooked for dinner. He was constantly seeking attention from other women, gambling and stopped taking his meds. He appeared to develop an addiction to junk food and would eat pounds of cookies and potato chips through the night. He would get out of bed @ 2 am and run to the gas station to get a candy bar. The entire time I knew him he NEVER slept in any kind of normal pattern.
He eventually stopped attending meetings, had violent outbursts, fits of paranoia and then finally.. went back to drinking again although (as of yet anyway) he hasn't picked the pipe back up. Everything is MY fault because I was trying to CONTROL him! (I put my foot down HARD about the other women. If you want to act like you're a single man than BE ONE!)
There's a lot more to this story but in a nutshell... that's MY experience with a recovering addict. To be fair I probably should mention that he is an addict/alcoholic and has been diagnosed with a variety of things including Borderline Personality Disorder and other mood disorders, primarily drug induced. From what I've read I believe he likely also has a narcissist personality and is also a raging codependent.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Xenoughx.
I thank your for mentioning both of those recovery methods. I think it is very important that people know there are others ways for both addicts and family members to seek treatment. I have respect for individual choice. I want to say that I have a lot of regret now, because when I first found out my husband was using drugs and had a problem, I didn’t know how to handle it at all.
Never had any drugs or alcohol problems in my life so it was all new to me. My regret comes from arguing with him in the beginning as that only put a wall between us. Once that wall was up then I couldn’t reach him. I didn’t have a long drawn out battle like some over the drugs however. Within a couple of months of fully understanding what was going on, arguing, we talked and he looked at me and said he didn’t want to stop. That was when it began to sink in. He moved out after an argument, and I wish now I had done more to try to bring him to seek help, but cant go back in time. What I did do however, was take care of myself, live my life as normal as possible, and begin to research about addiction.
For me, and this also includes my knowledge of my husbands view on things, I didn’t accept the disease concept, the 12 step way. I am not criticizing that method as it works for many, but I didn’t feel it was what was best for us. All of my planning was in hopes that one day my husband would realize he needed help. Finally he did. I chose a rehab center that is individualized in treatment , but really it focuses on most of the concepts used in SMART, CRAFT, Rational Recovery.
My husband has four separate psychiatrists that focus on different areas of treatment and recovery. He is almost to the 30 day clean mark and you are right, the number of days is not counted in his rehab center, except from the perspective that he has now competed detox, and time has passed and physically, mentally, emotionally he is starting to feel better as a whole person again.
This is what I really wanted to share as I think it is amazing and wonderful news for our family:
Now that he has reached this mark, the rehab center is adding another phase of treatment which is family therapy with a trained psychiatrist for him. Not just an hour or two, but this is truly part of his overall treatment plan. I have also been working on a one: one basis with the family therapist, and Im told after my husband has some time to work alone with his family therapist (not sure if it is the same person) then we will begin having sessions together at least 2x week. The goal of all this is to bring the family dynamic into the whole scheme of recovery, we’re partners in this process. While it has been made clear to me that I have to take care of myself, be healthy overall, It is acknowledged that together we are a family, and our lives don’t run parallel, they intersect, and we walk the road to recovery together hand in hand. It may sound sappy to many of you, but Im so excited for this.
And please … To the people who disagree with our program; that is fine by me, but Id appreciate it if there could be some refrain from then sending up posts talking about its sad how people are in denial, and all that.
GrayDuchess. I wanted to share this also because I read yoru post, and wanted you to know that I believe that you are correct in that you and your husband should have marriage counseling. But, I understand everything you are saying – things he is learning and saying are part of what he was taught in his program. I just wish you the best because I can sense your overall pain at the moment, but hopefully things will get better for you both soon.
I thank your for mentioning both of those recovery methods. I think it is very important that people know there are others ways for both addicts and family members to seek treatment. I have respect for individual choice. I want to say that I have a lot of regret now, because when I first found out my husband was using drugs and had a problem, I didn’t know how to handle it at all.
Never had any drugs or alcohol problems in my life so it was all new to me. My regret comes from arguing with him in the beginning as that only put a wall between us. Once that wall was up then I couldn’t reach him. I didn’t have a long drawn out battle like some over the drugs however. Within a couple of months of fully understanding what was going on, arguing, we talked and he looked at me and said he didn’t want to stop. That was when it began to sink in. He moved out after an argument, and I wish now I had done more to try to bring him to seek help, but cant go back in time. What I did do however, was take care of myself, live my life as normal as possible, and begin to research about addiction.
For me, and this also includes my knowledge of my husbands view on things, I didn’t accept the disease concept, the 12 step way. I am not criticizing that method as it works for many, but I didn’t feel it was what was best for us. All of my planning was in hopes that one day my husband would realize he needed help. Finally he did. I chose a rehab center that is individualized in treatment , but really it focuses on most of the concepts used in SMART, CRAFT, Rational Recovery.
My husband has four separate psychiatrists that focus on different areas of treatment and recovery. He is almost to the 30 day clean mark and you are right, the number of days is not counted in his rehab center, except from the perspective that he has now competed detox, and time has passed and physically, mentally, emotionally he is starting to feel better as a whole person again.
This is what I really wanted to share as I think it is amazing and wonderful news for our family:
Now that he has reached this mark, the rehab center is adding another phase of treatment which is family therapy with a trained psychiatrist for him. Not just an hour or two, but this is truly part of his overall treatment plan. I have also been working on a one: one basis with the family therapist, and Im told after my husband has some time to work alone with his family therapist (not sure if it is the same person) then we will begin having sessions together at least 2x week. The goal of all this is to bring the family dynamic into the whole scheme of recovery, we’re partners in this process. While it has been made clear to me that I have to take care of myself, be healthy overall, It is acknowledged that together we are a family, and our lives don’t run parallel, they intersect, and we walk the road to recovery together hand in hand. It may sound sappy to many of you, but Im so excited for this.
And please … To the people who disagree with our program; that is fine by me, but Id appreciate it if there could be some refrain from then sending up posts talking about its sad how people are in denial, and all that.
GrayDuchess. I wanted to share this also because I read yoru post, and wanted you to know that I believe that you are correct in that you and your husband should have marriage counseling. But, I understand everything you are saying – things he is learning and saying are part of what he was taught in his program. I just wish you the best because I can sense your overall pain at the moment, but hopefully things will get better for you both soon.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Please don't stop talking about denial. I needed to be told, I need to be woken up. I was in such deep denial. Many of you have seen that and called me out on it. I thank you so much.
(I remember even calling it a "pill problem." WTH? lol)
I am sure I am still in denial in many ways and I count on the healthier people, the people who have sincerely worked on "their own" recovery to help steer me back on the right path.
I may not always like the replies (mostly because they are correct and sometimes the truth can really hurt) but I know they have helped me out of my FOG. The FOG hasn't totally lifted so it would be easy to get lost without it.
Thank you again for showing and teaching me what I needed and still need. I am sorry you had to learn from such pain...but as I see where you are now...I am truly inspired.
(I remember even calling it a "pill problem." WTH? lol)
I am sure I am still in denial in many ways and I count on the healthier people, the people who have sincerely worked on "their own" recovery to help steer me back on the right path.
I may not always like the replies (mostly because they are correct and sometimes the truth can really hurt) but I know they have helped me out of my FOG. The FOG hasn't totally lifted so it would be easy to get lost without it.
Thank you again for showing and teaching me what I needed and still need. I am sorry you had to learn from such pain...but as I see where you are now...I am truly inspired.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Posted by LMN
I got a question for you to think about.
Are you willing to accept his choices for how he wishes to live his life no matter what they are?
Also, many of us do support our loved ones who are seeking recovery. I am just not wiling to support active addiction. I am also not willing to support a fake attempt at recovery so he could continue to use.
Are you willing to accept his choices for how he wishes to live his life no matter what they are?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
Posted by LMN
I got a question for you to think about.
Are you willing to accept his choices for how he wishes to live his life no matter what they are?
I got a question for you to think about.
Are you willing to accept his choices for how he wishes to live his life no matter what they are?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The question had nothing to do with living with anyone in active addiction...It doesn't even really have to do with him.
It is as it was stated, are YOU willing to accept he can live how he wishes no matter what choice he makes.
It is as it was stated, are YOU willing to accept he can live how he wishes no matter what choice he makes.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
The question had nothing to do with living with anyone in active addiction...It doesn't even really have to do with him.
It is as it was stated, are YOU willing to accept he can live how he wishes no matter what choice he makes.
It is as it was stated, are YOU willing to accept he can live how he wishes no matter what choice he makes.
My 2 core values are honesty and trust. I must have those in my marriage for it to be healthy.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Not about your marriage either, or staying married, or any of that.
This is about being able to move on in life, no matter what choices those we love make. To be able to be ok with it all, trust yourself, your feelings, your wishes, your dreams, your needs for you.
Not something you find within early on. But what you wrote that I quoted earlier reminded me of the day I really accepted that in the end I had no right not to accept that everyone can live as they wish. With the knowledge in knowing that I could as well and I didn’t have to explain why I choose the paths I choose along the way.
Make more sense now?
This is about being able to move on in life, no matter what choices those we love make. To be able to be ok with it all, trust yourself, your feelings, your wishes, your dreams, your needs for you.
Not something you find within early on. But what you wrote that I quoted earlier reminded me of the day I really accepted that in the end I had no right not to accept that everyone can live as they wish. With the knowledge in knowing that I could as well and I didn’t have to explain why I choose the paths I choose along the way.
Make more sense now?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
Not about your marriage either, or staying married, or any of that.
This is about being able to move on in life, no matter what choices those we love make. To be able to be ok with it all, trust yourself, your feelings, your wishes, your dreams, your needs for you.
Not something you find within early on. But what you wrote that I quoted earlier reminded me of the day I really accepted that in the end I had no right not to accept that everyone can live as they wish. With the knowledge in knowing that I could as well and I didn’t have to explain why I choose the paths I choose along the way.
Make more sense now?
This is about being able to move on in life, no matter what choices those we love make. To be able to be ok with it all, trust yourself, your feelings, your wishes, your dreams, your needs for you.
Not something you find within early on. But what you wrote that I quoted earlier reminded me of the day I really accepted that in the end I had no right not to accept that everyone can live as they wish. With the knowledge in knowing that I could as well and I didn’t have to explain why I choose the paths I choose along the way.
Make more sense now?
Everyday, I learn something new though. No expectations of others, acceptance and no unsolicited advice are still all struggles for me.
I just got through step one and it took me a while to really understand I am powerless over others. I really struggled with that one! Old, unhealthy behaviors can be hard to change. So much to learn still..........
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Incitingsilence.
I think I know what you mean. It is like when my husband looked at me and said he did not want to stop using drugs. It took a while to sink in, but then I realized that was his choice. He moved out, took a transfer through work, and even after I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t run after him because I realized it was his choice. I continued my life, had my baby, made a lot of personal mistakes during my anger phase mixed with hormones, but I continued to live as best I could and point myself forward during that time. Now my son is 5 months old and my husband has just reappeared and entered rehab. My situation is changing, and I want us to be together again, but I realize that if this doesn’t work for us, or if he decides again to go back out there, then I have to accept that, and once again point myself forward towards things I alone want out of life.
I think I know what you mean. It is like when my husband looked at me and said he did not want to stop using drugs. It took a while to sink in, but then I realized that was his choice. He moved out, took a transfer through work, and even after I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t run after him because I realized it was his choice. I continued my life, had my baby, made a lot of personal mistakes during my anger phase mixed with hormones, but I continued to live as best I could and point myself forward during that time. Now my son is 5 months old and my husband has just reappeared and entered rehab. My situation is changing, and I want us to be together again, but I realize that if this doesn’t work for us, or if he decides again to go back out there, then I have to accept that, and once again point myself forward towards things I alone want out of life.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
LMN you will get there in time, and it will be freeing just as cynical wrote. And I believe the same I have no right to beg, bargain or have people be anything other than who they are. One sick thing about that, is it’s what I always fought for to be just who I am, and not have anyone need or want me to be something else. I had enough of my own issue accepting that it was ok to just be me, and to project that out needing others to be how I needed them to be and not be just who they were in the moment was one of them things that disgusted me about my behavior. Disgust with myself became a huge motivational factor.
And those steps you are doing, for me the first three were a trap, round and round I went. I became so lost I didn’t know who I was anymore, other than the pain I seemed to thrive in, didn’t know what I believed in anymore, didn’t see anything or live in anything but the past. I jumped ahead to step 4 and in that learned who I was which gave me conviction with the first 3.
I find recovery to be a wonderful process and learning experience. It might not be overnight, but each new thing we learn and “get” will bring about a bit more peace and more learning and more changing within ourselves. It also never stops, but then our learning isn’t suppose to, it is part of life in general. You are worth, your time.
And you will get there no matter if he stays in recovery or not, seems we must in either case. I remember the words I wrote attached to the acceptance. Wondering would I be ok in the end, with the fact that life itself would just be as it is and I had no control over that.
I knew I could be ok with it all, with just what life brought. And the reality of that is that no matter if I was or wasn’t my choices in how I acted or reacted would be on me. I tend to be real huge in accepting my part in the madness, because my actions and reactions were mine alone. In the working on me I found heroin wasn’t the problem, him using wasn’t the problem, I was my own problem. Ugh, we do make our own worst enemies, we create the hell we live in…
You will be ok, will go on to a wonderful life, that is if you choose to…And the same goes for you cnm and for anyone reading, we do have the choice of what we want for our lives, it is our life after all.
And those steps you are doing, for me the first three were a trap, round and round I went. I became so lost I didn’t know who I was anymore, other than the pain I seemed to thrive in, didn’t know what I believed in anymore, didn’t see anything or live in anything but the past. I jumped ahead to step 4 and in that learned who I was which gave me conviction with the first 3.
I find recovery to be a wonderful process and learning experience. It might not be overnight, but each new thing we learn and “get” will bring about a bit more peace and more learning and more changing within ourselves. It also never stops, but then our learning isn’t suppose to, it is part of life in general. You are worth, your time.
And you will get there no matter if he stays in recovery or not, seems we must in either case. I remember the words I wrote attached to the acceptance. Wondering would I be ok in the end, with the fact that life itself would just be as it is and I had no control over that.
I knew I could be ok with it all, with just what life brought. And the reality of that is that no matter if I was or wasn’t my choices in how I acted or reacted would be on me. I tend to be real huge in accepting my part in the madness, because my actions and reactions were mine alone. In the working on me I found heroin wasn’t the problem, him using wasn’t the problem, I was my own problem. Ugh, we do make our own worst enemies, we create the hell we live in…
You will be ok, will go on to a wonderful life, that is if you choose to…And the same goes for you cnm and for anyone reading, we do have the choice of what we want for our lives, it is our life after all.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
heroin wasn’t the problem, him using wasn’t the problem, I was my own problem. Ugh, we do make our own worst enemies, we create the hell we live in…
I realized a longtime ago I am my worst enemy, figuring out how not to be is where I am faltering
I realized a longtime ago I am my worst enemy, figuring out how not to be is where I am faltering
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