Concerned & Fearful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oyster Bay, NY
Posts: 14
Concerned & Fearful
I'm not sure where to begin with explaining everything that has been conspiring between my husband and me. I suppose I should explain our extended history pertaining to substance abuse.
My husband and I met in 2005. At the time, he confided in me that he had been struggling with substance abuse and chemical dependency with opiates and heroin. He stated that he was admitted into an inpatient treatment program and once completed, attended outpatient treatment and was no longer using the substance. Several months later, we had begun dating and I soon found out that his use of heroin was not a "thing of the past". Additionally, he engaged in the abuse of other chemical substances such as prescription medications, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine... you name it. He would disappear for hours, sometimes days at a time, and then feed me intricate lies about what he had been doing. I saw through his stories and we would bicker back and forth regarding what had "really" occurred. I continued to remain in this destructive relationship, partly in hopes to rescue him but mostly, because he was a master manipulator and I was madly in love with him. All I wanted was for him to be clean and sober and for us to live a happy life together. Eventually, the emotional abuse was too much for me to bare any longer and I ended the relationship.
We were apart for 3 years when our paths crossed again. I soon found out that he had kicked his heroin habit for good. While we were apart he went on a downward spiral and hit rock bottom. In and out of rehabs and sober houses, he finally was prescribed Suboxone and attended individual counseling. As we rekindled our fire and I began to see the familiar behaviors of the past, this time with alcohol and cocaine. The relationship lasted for 3 months until I finally ended things after I was fed a ridiculous story and backed him into a corner with the truth. The next day he called me and told me he had attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that morning and benefited greatly. He begged for a second chance to prove himself to me that he could be the man that I needed him to be. He was sober for nearly 3 1/2 years.
The first year and a half, he completed 90 in 90 and attended meetings regularly. We got engaged the following fall, despite the still present trust issues in our relationship. These issues were mainly attributed to my lack of attending Al-Anon meetings and working on me. 6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. We moved the wedding up and the stressors of life came at us like a swarm of bees. He began missing meetings and eventually stopped attending all together. I noticed a negative change in his attitude. Then, he picked up smoking again (we both quit when I first found out I was pregnant). I now noticed a tremendous change in his attitude, for the worse. He hid his smoking from me, lied about it, and snuck around behind my back to smoke. When I caught him in his lies, I was furious and we would argue. He always blamed his lying on my reaction when I found out that he had been smoking, failing to recognize that I was angry because he kept it from me. It was the sneaky behaviors of the past. Eventually the arguments would lead to my demanding that he attend meetings again. He always had an excuse, stating he was either "too busy" to attend or that he wasn't "getting anything" out of the meetings in our area. Our arguments would end with him promising to be honest about his smoking and that he would attend meetings when we moved and life was less chaotic. Eventually, I gave up on try to force him to attend meetings. I let go of trying to control the situation and tried to have faith in him that he would keep his promise.
We were married last July and I gave birth to our daughter in December. Since December, life has been exhausting to say the least. My husband and I are constantly at each other’s throats mostly due to sleep deprivation and adjusting to a new life. Needless to say, he is still smoking (as am I) and he has not attended a single meeting since we moved and the birth of our daughter. Last month he and I had a terrible argument. To be honest, I don’t evn remember what it was about. I fled our house with the baby and spent the night at my mother's. I did not and do not want for her to be exposed to this chaos any longer. That night, he bought a bottle of wine. The next day he told me that he "had a glass of wine with his dad", leading me to believe that his father had supplied the wine. I wasn’t angry. I was grateful that he had been honest with me and expressed this to him. Then, it turned into a glass and a "splash". I later discovered that he had bought his own bottle and nearly drank the entire thing. I was hurt, angry, and most of all afraid. Hurt and angry that he would lead me to believe less than the truth. Afraid of where this relapse was going to lead. I talked about my concerns with him. I asked him if he was going to continue drinking and he stated that he "was not addicted to alcohol", that he "abused it in the past" in lieu of not "having what he really wanted". I asked him why he wasn’t 100% truthful and he told me that he was afraid that it would lead to an argument. I believe he wasn’t forthcoming because he was ashamed. I told him that I can't control him and that I can only control myself and my own actions. I told him that I was fearful of where this all may lead but, that I am not going to make any demands of him nor an impulsive decision to leave him. However, I made it very clear that if things were to get out of control, I would leave. It would not me healthy for me or our daughter.
During the time that my husband was regularly attending meetings, he would say things like "he was an addict" and that "he could never put another chemical substance in his body". He would state that “even though he wasn’t addicted to alcohol, he could never drink again because it would lead to other things”. He would talk to me all the time about how much he enjoyed life sober and clear headed. He also made the decision to attend school to become a Chemical Dependency Counselor to help other addicts through their recovery. Currently, this is no longer his dream and he claims he stated those things because "AA had brainwashed him".
Since his relapse, he has had a few drinks a week - nothing out of control. However, I am seeing more and more negative changes in him. I am scared. I am scared that things are going to end up where they were years ago and now; we have a little one to care for. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do in handling this situation. I can't give him and ultimatum. He will become resentful and drink behind my back. I can't break apart a family, based solely on fear and projection either. However, what is most concerning about this whole thing is that he believes he is not an alcoholic and that he can drink recreationally, as long as he is in control and abstaining from his drug(s) of choice. Furthermore, he has made it very clear that he does not want to live his life without having alcohol as an option to unwind and relax.
Does anyone have any suggestions or insight as to how I should handle this?
My husband and I met in 2005. At the time, he confided in me that he had been struggling with substance abuse and chemical dependency with opiates and heroin. He stated that he was admitted into an inpatient treatment program and once completed, attended outpatient treatment and was no longer using the substance. Several months later, we had begun dating and I soon found out that his use of heroin was not a "thing of the past". Additionally, he engaged in the abuse of other chemical substances such as prescription medications, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine... you name it. He would disappear for hours, sometimes days at a time, and then feed me intricate lies about what he had been doing. I saw through his stories and we would bicker back and forth regarding what had "really" occurred. I continued to remain in this destructive relationship, partly in hopes to rescue him but mostly, because he was a master manipulator and I was madly in love with him. All I wanted was for him to be clean and sober and for us to live a happy life together. Eventually, the emotional abuse was too much for me to bare any longer and I ended the relationship.
We were apart for 3 years when our paths crossed again. I soon found out that he had kicked his heroin habit for good. While we were apart he went on a downward spiral and hit rock bottom. In and out of rehabs and sober houses, he finally was prescribed Suboxone and attended individual counseling. As we rekindled our fire and I began to see the familiar behaviors of the past, this time with alcohol and cocaine. The relationship lasted for 3 months until I finally ended things after I was fed a ridiculous story and backed him into a corner with the truth. The next day he called me and told me he had attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that morning and benefited greatly. He begged for a second chance to prove himself to me that he could be the man that I needed him to be. He was sober for nearly 3 1/2 years.
The first year and a half, he completed 90 in 90 and attended meetings regularly. We got engaged the following fall, despite the still present trust issues in our relationship. These issues were mainly attributed to my lack of attending Al-Anon meetings and working on me. 6 months later, I found out I was pregnant. We moved the wedding up and the stressors of life came at us like a swarm of bees. He began missing meetings and eventually stopped attending all together. I noticed a negative change in his attitude. Then, he picked up smoking again (we both quit when I first found out I was pregnant). I now noticed a tremendous change in his attitude, for the worse. He hid his smoking from me, lied about it, and snuck around behind my back to smoke. When I caught him in his lies, I was furious and we would argue. He always blamed his lying on my reaction when I found out that he had been smoking, failing to recognize that I was angry because he kept it from me. It was the sneaky behaviors of the past. Eventually the arguments would lead to my demanding that he attend meetings again. He always had an excuse, stating he was either "too busy" to attend or that he wasn't "getting anything" out of the meetings in our area. Our arguments would end with him promising to be honest about his smoking and that he would attend meetings when we moved and life was less chaotic. Eventually, I gave up on try to force him to attend meetings. I let go of trying to control the situation and tried to have faith in him that he would keep his promise.
We were married last July and I gave birth to our daughter in December. Since December, life has been exhausting to say the least. My husband and I are constantly at each other’s throats mostly due to sleep deprivation and adjusting to a new life. Needless to say, he is still smoking (as am I) and he has not attended a single meeting since we moved and the birth of our daughter. Last month he and I had a terrible argument. To be honest, I don’t evn remember what it was about. I fled our house with the baby and spent the night at my mother's. I did not and do not want for her to be exposed to this chaos any longer. That night, he bought a bottle of wine. The next day he told me that he "had a glass of wine with his dad", leading me to believe that his father had supplied the wine. I wasn’t angry. I was grateful that he had been honest with me and expressed this to him. Then, it turned into a glass and a "splash". I later discovered that he had bought his own bottle and nearly drank the entire thing. I was hurt, angry, and most of all afraid. Hurt and angry that he would lead me to believe less than the truth. Afraid of where this relapse was going to lead. I talked about my concerns with him. I asked him if he was going to continue drinking and he stated that he "was not addicted to alcohol", that he "abused it in the past" in lieu of not "having what he really wanted". I asked him why he wasn’t 100% truthful and he told me that he was afraid that it would lead to an argument. I believe he wasn’t forthcoming because he was ashamed. I told him that I can't control him and that I can only control myself and my own actions. I told him that I was fearful of where this all may lead but, that I am not going to make any demands of him nor an impulsive decision to leave him. However, I made it very clear that if things were to get out of control, I would leave. It would not me healthy for me or our daughter.
During the time that my husband was regularly attending meetings, he would say things like "he was an addict" and that "he could never put another chemical substance in his body". He would state that “even though he wasn’t addicted to alcohol, he could never drink again because it would lead to other things”. He would talk to me all the time about how much he enjoyed life sober and clear headed. He also made the decision to attend school to become a Chemical Dependency Counselor to help other addicts through their recovery. Currently, this is no longer his dream and he claims he stated those things because "AA had brainwashed him".
Since his relapse, he has had a few drinks a week - nothing out of control. However, I am seeing more and more negative changes in him. I am scared. I am scared that things are going to end up where they were years ago and now; we have a little one to care for. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do in handling this situation. I can't give him and ultimatum. He will become resentful and drink behind my back. I can't break apart a family, based solely on fear and projection either. However, what is most concerning about this whole thing is that he believes he is not an alcoholic and that he can drink recreationally, as long as he is in control and abstaining from his drug(s) of choice. Furthermore, he has made it very clear that he does not want to live his life without having alcohol as an option to unwind and relax.
Does anyone have any suggestions or insight as to how I should handle this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oyster Bay, NY
Posts: 14
I'm not sure. I feel that his behaviors are unacceptable. Solely, because he is an addict and I believe that this will lead eventually lead him down other avenues to his drug(s) of choice. They are unacceptable to me because I am afraid and projecting. When I try to look at the situation objectively, thus far, he hasn't demonstrated any of the behaviors of the past, aside from when he had his first drink and wasn't completely transparent about it. His drinking is not out of control, as it was years ago, and he doesn't appear to be drinking to get drunk. Although since his relapse, he has used alcohol as a coping mechanism on two occasions. I just feel that the red flags are there but, that his disease has not fully manifested yet.
Here is my thought process. When I went back to smoking 2 months after my daughter was born, I started out by having a cigarette every now and then. That turned into 1 cigarette a day, then two, then three, and so on until I was back to where I was before I quit in less than 3 months’ time. I am addicted to nicotine and now after having experienced it, I can understand relapse. I know that if I were to quit, I can never ever have a cigarette again. If I do, it will only lead me back to a half of a pack a day. However, I have not been addicted to any other substance. So, I know that cigarettes won’t lead me heroin. Yet, in the same respect, if I were to have a drink or two, alcohol would lead me to cigarettes.
In my husband’s case, he was addicted to heroin, stopped using it, and will “never put an opiate in his body again”. After kicking his heroin habit, he used cocaine and alcohol as substitutions for heroin. He would drink to excessiveness and then obtain cocaine because the alcohol “wasn’t doing it”. Based on the past, isn't it clear that alcohol will lead him to cocaine? How can he believe that he “can drink” because he is not an alcoholic?
Although, I supposed if I were to quit smoking I would abstain from consuming alcohol for at least the first year. Then I may be able to enjoy a drink without wanting a cigarette. However, I know if I were to have a drink and want a cigarette after a year… two years… three years... of being nicotine free that I should probably stay away from alcohol. Maybe he is just testing the waters as I would?
Regardless, it is scary. I just don’t know what to do to make sure that I am okay and that my daughter is okay. His alcohol use is not negatively affecting my life but, it is negatively affecting my emotional state.
Here is my thought process. When I went back to smoking 2 months after my daughter was born, I started out by having a cigarette every now and then. That turned into 1 cigarette a day, then two, then three, and so on until I was back to where I was before I quit in less than 3 months’ time. I am addicted to nicotine and now after having experienced it, I can understand relapse. I know that if I were to quit, I can never ever have a cigarette again. If I do, it will only lead me back to a half of a pack a day. However, I have not been addicted to any other substance. So, I know that cigarettes won’t lead me heroin. Yet, in the same respect, if I were to have a drink or two, alcohol would lead me to cigarettes.
In my husband’s case, he was addicted to heroin, stopped using it, and will “never put an opiate in his body again”. After kicking his heroin habit, he used cocaine and alcohol as substitutions for heroin. He would drink to excessiveness and then obtain cocaine because the alcohol “wasn’t doing it”. Based on the past, isn't it clear that alcohol will lead him to cocaine? How can he believe that he “can drink” because he is not an alcoholic?
Although, I supposed if I were to quit smoking I would abstain from consuming alcohol for at least the first year. Then I may be able to enjoy a drink without wanting a cigarette. However, I know if I were to have a drink and want a cigarette after a year… two years… three years... of being nicotine free that I should probably stay away from alcohol. Maybe he is just testing the waters as I would?
Regardless, it is scary. I just don’t know what to do to make sure that I am okay and that my daughter is okay. His alcohol use is not negatively affecting my life but, it is negatively affecting my emotional state.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi Beani, and welcome!
I understand that fear for the future, but unfortunately it robs us of the present. Is his behavior now acceptable? If so, then try and live in today and enjoy your family. I know very well how hard it can be to get the red flags to quiet for a while ( red flags can be a good thing), but it sounds like you are so concerned with what might happen, it is making you fearful and miserable and that's no way to live.
Maybe it would be a good thing to develop a hypothetical plan? It things were to start going down hill, what would you do? Do you have money if you need it? A place to stay? Sometimes just knowing that you have options helps.
In the meantime, you have every right to decide what is acceptable and what is not in your life. That's what you can control. Let him decide what his life looks like.
Stick around...we're always here
(((Hugs)))
I understand that fear for the future, but unfortunately it robs us of the present. Is his behavior now acceptable? If so, then try and live in today and enjoy your family. I know very well how hard it can be to get the red flags to quiet for a while ( red flags can be a good thing), but it sounds like you are so concerned with what might happen, it is making you fearful and miserable and that's no way to live.
Maybe it would be a good thing to develop a hypothetical plan? It things were to start going down hill, what would you do? Do you have money if you need it? A place to stay? Sometimes just knowing that you have options helps.
In the meantime, you have every right to decide what is acceptable and what is not in your life. That's what you can control. Let him decide what his life looks like.
Stick around...we're always here
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....this is a great place with a lot of collective wisdom.
He has attended AA in the past, right? You mention that "issues were mainly attributed to my lack of attending Al-Anon meetings and working on me." But throughout your post I didn't see anything that stated you had attended Al-ANon so I'm just curious, did you?
People don't go to Al-Anon to help other people get sober or to support them in their sobriety (and if they do, they usually don't keep going for long). They go to take a close look at themselves. They go to get support from others who understand. They go to learn how to cope with living with or loving an alcoholic (and here's the important part) whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not.
If you ever decide to go to Al-Anon, I hope you decide to go for you. Not for him. It can help take the focus off of what you cannot control (him) and place it onto what you can control (you). He's going to do whatever he's going to do. What are you going to do for you?
gentle hugs
ke
He has attended AA in the past, right? You mention that "issues were mainly attributed to my lack of attending Al-Anon meetings and working on me." But throughout your post I didn't see anything that stated you had attended Al-ANon so I'm just curious, did you?
People don't go to Al-Anon to help other people get sober or to support them in their sobriety (and if they do, they usually don't keep going for long). They go to take a close look at themselves. They go to get support from others who understand. They go to learn how to cope with living with or loving an alcoholic (and here's the important part) whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not.
If you ever decide to go to Al-Anon, I hope you decide to go for you. Not for him. It can help take the focus off of what you cannot control (him) and place it onto what you can control (you). He's going to do whatever he's going to do. What are you going to do for you?
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oyster Bay, NY
Posts: 14
I attended an Al-Anon meeting once with my Dad. It was an anniversary meeting so, it was open to friends and family. I stuck around for the meeting following the anniversary session and although I was too intimidated to share, I felt comfort in hearing the members share. They understood. They lived life as I do, until attending Al-Anon.
My mother is a recovering alcoholic. My brother has also had his fair share of struggling with addiction. For as long as I can remember, my Dad has suggested that I attend Al-Ateen and Al-Anon. He never pushed me to go but, said that he believed it would help me in my own healing. Deep down I always knew he was right, and after I attended the anniversary meeting I was determined to find a group. Needless to say, I never did. I was afraid. I still am. I’m not really sure exactly what it is that I am afraid of. I know that I won’t be judged. I know that everyone else who will be sitting in that room has this in common with me. I think I am afraid of talking about it openly. Becoming emotional. Facing the past. I run away from difficult situations, rather than trying to work out a solution. I repress pain and forget about it, rather than feeling it and coping with it in a healthy way. It’s easier to run away from situations and to bury negative feelings, than it is to deal with them. But, it is extremely unhealthy. I harbor a lot of resentment as well, and I do not know how to let go of it. I also struggle with asserting myself and I always try to make everyone else happy despite my own needs.
I talked to my Dad yesterday before joining this site and he said a lot of useful things, similar to what you all are saying. He also suggested that I attend Al-Anon again so, I can look at my part in all of this. He is right. There is a meeting on Thursday that is at a convenient time and location. I am going to attend, despite my fears.
Looking back at it, while my husband was attending AA he would blame our trust issues on my lack of attendance to Al-Anon and effort to work on myself. His claims seemed accurate. The reality was that he was working on himself and I wasn't working on me. I was still very resentful, hurt, and angry despite his sobriety. However, I think that if I began attending at that time, it would have been to appease him rather than my desire to look at my role.
My mother is a recovering alcoholic. My brother has also had his fair share of struggling with addiction. For as long as I can remember, my Dad has suggested that I attend Al-Ateen and Al-Anon. He never pushed me to go but, said that he believed it would help me in my own healing. Deep down I always knew he was right, and after I attended the anniversary meeting I was determined to find a group. Needless to say, I never did. I was afraid. I still am. I’m not really sure exactly what it is that I am afraid of. I know that I won’t be judged. I know that everyone else who will be sitting in that room has this in common with me. I think I am afraid of talking about it openly. Becoming emotional. Facing the past. I run away from difficult situations, rather than trying to work out a solution. I repress pain and forget about it, rather than feeling it and coping with it in a healthy way. It’s easier to run away from situations and to bury negative feelings, than it is to deal with them. But, it is extremely unhealthy. I harbor a lot of resentment as well, and I do not know how to let go of it. I also struggle with asserting myself and I always try to make everyone else happy despite my own needs.
I talked to my Dad yesterday before joining this site and he said a lot of useful things, similar to what you all are saying. He also suggested that I attend Al-Anon again so, I can look at my part in all of this. He is right. There is a meeting on Thursday that is at a convenient time and location. I am going to attend, despite my fears.
Looking back at it, while my husband was attending AA he would blame our trust issues on my lack of attendance to Al-Anon and effort to work on myself. His claims seemed accurate. The reality was that he was working on himself and I wasn't working on me. I was still very resentful, hurt, and angry despite his sobriety. However, I think that if I began attending at that time, it would have been to appease him rather than my desire to look at my role.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the board.
That's quite a tale you have. Unfortunately, his behavior and his lack of honesty don't surprise me. Nor should it surprise you.
Addiction is a nasty, pernicious illness. And now that you're married to him and have a child, you're in a difficult situation. I feel for you on that front.
The best advice I can offer is to focus on you and focus on your child. Your AH is going to do whatever it is he does, regardless of consequences, regardless of how it may impact you or your child. I strongly suggest you find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. The only thing that you can impact is you, your behavior, and how you think. This is a time where your eyes and ears need to be open. You can get through this, if you choose to.
Will be thinking of you during my prayers this evening.
Best,
ZoSo
That's quite a tale you have. Unfortunately, his behavior and his lack of honesty don't surprise me. Nor should it surprise you.
Addiction is a nasty, pernicious illness. And now that you're married to him and have a child, you're in a difficult situation. I feel for you on that front.
The best advice I can offer is to focus on you and focus on your child. Your AH is going to do whatever it is he does, regardless of consequences, regardless of how it may impact you or your child. I strongly suggest you find a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. The only thing that you can impact is you, your behavior, and how you think. This is a time where your eyes and ears need to be open. You can get through this, if you choose to.
Will be thinking of you during my prayers this evening.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Red bank nj
Posts: 68
I really feel your pain. I know how exhausting it is to always get the lies right to your face. How it erodes all trust in the relationship. I have been with my husband since 2005 and the lies bother me worse than any drug or alcohol he could use. At this point he doesn't care he knows I'm not going any where because I don't have the money to go. There was a time when he did care and knew he might lose me but now he doesn't and I still can't let go. Everyday is he'll and I actually feel the anxiety build up when I know he is going to lie to me or disappear. It doesn't matter what I do he has decided life without me would be better and tells me he can do so much better than me that I'm a hag. I'm emotionally drained and myself esteem is at an all time low. I'm 46 he is 40 but people all my life always have said I don't look my age. I know he says these things to push my buttons nut at the Same time I feel like he means it. We have no sexual relationship how could we be intimate when we don't even speak. My life really sucks and I'm sure it's only a matter of time that he cheats on me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oyster Bay, NY
Posts: 14
You have hit the nail on the head. Although I haven't necessarily caught him in any lies nor have any reason to believe that he is lying, it's the deceit that hurts more than anything. When he told me he drank the first night he relapsed, I wasn't angry because he was honest. I later became angry and was hurt because he wasn't completely honest. Hiding the full truth because, I believe, he was ashamed. He claims that he was “scared” I was going to be angry if I knew the full truth. I don’t understand WHY he believes this, especially because I only become angry and agrue with him when he isn’t honest. On the rare occasions that he has been honest, I am disappointed and hurt. Not angry.
My husband as well knows that I am not going to make any impulsive decisions like leaving him right now because a) too much is at stake (breaking apart a family on solely fear) and b) that I don’t have many other options (I have not yet returned to work since the birth of our daughter and therefore, am lacking income of my own. And really, I would have no other option than to move back in with one of my parents if I were to leave). However, earlier it was posted that I should have a back-up plan, and I am currently in the process of constructing one in case things to become out of control and I need to leave. Do you have a back-up plan?
My husband and I also lack intimacy in our marriage partly because it’s nearly impossible with an infant but, also because I am so disgusted with the negative change in his attitude.
Your situation sounds terrible and emotionally destructive. It breaks my heart to read what you wrote because I understand exactly how you are feeling. What are you doing for you? Are you attending Al-Anon?
My husband as well knows that I am not going to make any impulsive decisions like leaving him right now because a) too much is at stake (breaking apart a family on solely fear) and b) that I don’t have many other options (I have not yet returned to work since the birth of our daughter and therefore, am lacking income of my own. And really, I would have no other option than to move back in with one of my parents if I were to leave). However, earlier it was posted that I should have a back-up plan, and I am currently in the process of constructing one in case things to become out of control and I need to leave. Do you have a back-up plan?
My husband and I also lack intimacy in our marriage partly because it’s nearly impossible with an infant but, also because I am so disgusted with the negative change in his attitude.
Your situation sounds terrible and emotionally destructive. It breaks my heart to read what you wrote because I understand exactly how you are feeling. What are you doing for you? Are you attending Al-Anon?
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