crazybabie

The test results for my STDS came back I tested positive for herpes simplex 1 and 2, Certainly not what I wanted to hear however my doctor told me almost everyone has Simplex 1 that is how we get cold sores etc... if a person has simplex 1 oral things can cause 2 then be passed with sex, which means we could have given this to each other all this time.

However, when he came by last night to sign a tax paper and I calmly told him and I was pulling up a video for him to watch my daughter said he was looking at the floor and she noticed he would not look in my eyes.

Today, he has been sending text messages I love you. I am thinking he is feeling guilty because he knows he has been sleeping with other women before he was all about if you have anything you have to have been doing something then when the results come in it is I love you ? No accusations that I had to have been doing anything after positive results?

I am now positive he has as I suspected been sleeping around. He is even asking to move back in. I don;t know what I am gonna do besides take one day at a time.

I did set boundaries I told him I do not know if we will ever be together again
but before I even consider you moving back in you have to have been working in some type program and been working it for quite some time, I told him he can't do it for me he has to do it for him he has to wanna stop.

IMO he is not ready, he just wants to be, because his response was you can help me stop and he listed ways that I know will not work I know I can't help him stop.

I amazed myself by not just saying ok move back in seems I have learned more than I realized from SR. I have a lot more to learn as everyone knows.

I plan to keep going to my F2F 2 times weekly and posting and reading here.

Vents over. Thanks

EnglishGarden

I'm glad the STD's are nothing worse. A friend of mine involved with a sex addict waited several weeks for her results, which also came back negative, but it was a cold bath of reality for her about risk.

You sound good.

Kindeyes

Angie
You sound pretty grounded about the whole thing and that's so good. Taking it one day at a time is a great way to proceed. Reclaiming your life.....with or without him.....that's good stuff.
gentle hugs
ke

RevivingOphelia

Serious dealbreaker. Unbelievable. My advice: move on and don't look back.

lightseeker

please don't let this diagnosis tie you to him. I know the dread that comes with telling anyone else that this is something that comes with "the package". It definitely is something that you can live with - thank heavens it's not HIV.

I understand how good it is to set boundaries with him but I'm wondering about how you are going to take care of you You have a good head on your shoulders.......how do you create a life without trauma/drama? It's hard to step away and focus on you - I know that from first hand experience. It's taken me a long time but all of the steps that you take in that direction are positive ones.....

Ann

I agree, how bad does it have to get before you start taking very good care of yourself? And if you don't want to take care of yourself, why not? You are worthy of so much better than this.

I have a friend, a wonderful mom and wife and the kind of person anyone would love for a friend.... who is HIV positive because her now ex, cheated and brought this home. She wishes she had known, she might have a longer life expectancy if she had.

Good luck with whatever path you choose.

Hugs

crazybabie

Aniva and ANN, I am going too PM you because I am not sure if I can post here about what the doctor told me

crazybabie

Due to what the doctor said about we likely gave it to each other no that is not a deal breaker for me. What I need now is to take one day at a time and absorb his reaction and lack of accusations that I was expecting. When we find out they are using we have to learn to accept that fact, same with cheating I personally can not in just 2 days time say OK I am finished if I had showed positive for Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, things I know for sure came from else where then YES that would have been my deal breaker.

I have to get to the point of getting out of my own denial that he is cheating, this diagnosis does not show he is I really wish I had shown positive for one of the others .

Then it would be a FACT no doubt in my mind if he is cheating. I reread my OP and do see that I did say

(I am now positive he has as I suspected been sleeping around. He is even asking to move back in. I don;t know what I am gonna do besides take one day at a time.)

Guess, I am not positive after all.

crazybabie

Thank you lightseeker, I only recently accepted he is using too much to swallow all at once.

(I'm wondering about how you are going to take care of you)

I am going to take care of me by attending my F2F 2x a week, posting here, reading here, eating healthy, getting exercise ,sticking to my boundaries and making sure I do not do like I did in the past and just sit home and ask myself why. Spending time out with friends when possible and getting me some what of a life.

crazybabie

Yes, we have both have gotten cold sores and yes we had oral sex when we had them we have been together since I was 15 and him 16. That is why the doctor said we likely gave it to each other. I had no clue Herpes 2 could be
spread that way.

Doingfine

Oh I just hate that feeling of not being sure if they are cheating. It really ruins things in my mind and it will never go back to the innocence the love once had.

lightseeker

I think that that "not knowing" feeling is my head trying to talk me out of what my heart and gut feeling actually know. In hindsite, I've found that none of my feelings have ever played out to be wrong....but my head has talked me into staying in situations way past the time that I should have made changes.

I'm not a fine one to pass on any advice due to the fact of how long it has taken me to let go of situations. I think that what I did in the "meantime" really helped me so much in the long run. I became committed to getting healthier (all the great ones that you named for you). They work...... those steps saved me while I stayed and they are saving me still now that I have left.

I know how difficult the process is because I've gone through something similar. I will be eternally grateful for those people that stayed by me as I continued to chose the options that I did. A number of people walked away because it was too painful/frustrating for them to remain in my life as a friend....but I understand that now a lot better. BUT...it's the ones that stayed the course even as I struggled, faltered, tried, lamented, and denied that gave me the courage to stay on the path that eventually brought me to where I am today.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us....and keep posting!

crazybabie

I think that that "not knowing" feeling is my head trying to talk me out of what my heart and gut feeling actually know.

I think this, is what is happening to me as well. I at least have him moved out of my house
so what I have to work on now is getting stronger. I can't say what I may or may not do in the future if I did I would be lying to myself as well as everyone here.

What I can honestly say is I WILL continue to work on me and all the things I posted above... I am committed to my own recovery I may have set backs but I know I have friends here who will be by my side and that means so much.

Kindeyes

Angie
None of us come to a decision on what to do quickly or easily. Sometimes things are so much clearer when we're on the outside looking in. You have a lot of years invested in your marriage. So your reluctance is understandable. What others are trying to do here is let you know that you deserve to have a good and happy life.

With my XAH, I feel I tried very hard but it was like fighting an army all by myself. The harder I tried to make my marriage work, the harder he tried to throw up as many hurdles as he could. And this behavior continued through the divorce and all through our son's growing up years. No wonder he grew up to be an addict. I do have some culpability in that situation.

If the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go, you'll make a decision. And no one here can force that to happen. We are here to encourage you to take care of you first......not to tell you what to do or when/how to do it.

We care about you and we understand how very difficult this is for you.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

crazybabie

Thanks, KE, I know everyone here including me are at different levels reaching recovery and some have made tremendous progress. That is part of why I love SR. I get shares from others who have been there, brutal honesty that I may not want to hear but I know I need to that helps me keep focused.

I likely take some post wrong sometimes when I first read them maybe because I don';t wanna see but need to as well as the bi-polar is messed up just a little due to the stress. Obviously I have a long ways to go with the CD I am seeing I am explaeing everything in this one post. I feel safe and unjudged here. :ghug3

I cant be honest with myself yet however I will be honest in what is going on due to I respect the members here as well as I to be around people who are/have/ been there.

lightseeker

CB....

I realized that I am only as sick as my secrets. I don't think that I started to get better until I began to freely share. Where I have done most of that is on this forum. There were times that I felt twangs from comments but it also taught me a whole lot about my own recovery and to be careful to only answer questions that were asked vs. giving unsolicited advice. I've also learned that sharing my experience is ok....

I'm glad that you have this as a place to come as you figure things out. I was with my husband from 2004 until last May. It took me a long time to work through it all and I really did not want our relationship to end. It made me really sad and still does. I know that everyone on the outside looking in wanted me to end things a long time ago bu I wasn't ready to give up hope.

I've been diagnosed with HS 1&2 as well and have realized that it really is not a big issue. There are medications that really help with outbreaks....and a lot of people never even have any problems with them. Feel free to PM me if you ever have any questions about all of that. It is definitely a virus that can be harbored in the tissues and may appear much later in a relationship.....not proof that someone has been unfaithful necessarily.

Along the way I've realized that so much of my journey has been about learning to fill in the holes that I have. The holes that caused me to choose partners that were emotionally unavailable to me due to addiction....even if not active addiction they had addict-y characteristics/behaviors.

I really am glad that you have an outlet here. Also, one thing that helped me as I read responses is to realize that is that there are people here at all stages of their own recovery and even a lot of people that aren't working a recovery program.

Hugs.....Donna

LaneyT

I don't think hsv-1 can cause hsv-2. They are two different strains. Perhaps you misunderstood your dr. They can both be spread and can both have outbreaks in the mouth and genitals and rarely the eye.

I don't have either, but my husband has hsv-1 and when he has a cold sore my mouth and other area is off limits. We have been together 19 years and I don't have it.

Ofcourse that still doesn't mean anything. Because many people have hsv-1 or hsv-2 and not have any symptoms. So, perhaps one of you had it from before, if there was a before.

But, I say trust your gut. It is never wrong.