The Double Life - Husband, Father, Addict
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres 
((WID))
There has been a lot of information given here, lots of suggestions and lots of things talked about ~ it appears that you are on a recovery journey ~ learning what is best & healthy for you & your family ~ seeking the best way to handle addiction in your life ~ from my experience at SR ~ this is what we are all trying to do ~
I would like to share just my experience, strength and hope in one area with you ~ I spent a little over 16 yrs with an alcoholic/addict ~ I thought I protected our daughters from the ugliness of the disease as much as possible, my now exah was in & out of recovery and finally I left ~ I tried to teach my daughters compassion, love and understanding ~ but those 16 plus years ~ what I did teach my daughters was to tolerate unacceptable behaviors ~
That it was OK for their partner to NOT contribute to the financial part of the household
That it was OK for their partner to LIE to them
That it was OK for their partner to STEAL from them & their children
That it was OK for drugs/alcohol/gambling to come before your family
That it was OK to emotionally & mentally abused, to live in fear 24/7 and to live without self-respect
By accepting all these behaviors from my ex while raising my daughters ~ I taught them that it was ok to be treated like this ~ when I finally found the courage to walk away I started teaching them something different ~ sadly it was too late ~ Now I have to watch them go thru the same thing in their relationships ~
I can only pray that because they saw me finally stand up for myself, gain my self-respect and find another way - that some day - they will be able to do the same ~
They learned the unhealthiness FROM me ~ I pray now they can learn HEALTHY relationships from me too ~
Kids learn a lot in an alcoholic home . . .
I'm not saying what your child is learning ~ I'm just sharing what happened in my home Wishing you and yours the very best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
There has been a lot of information given here, lots of suggestions and lots of things talked about ~ it appears that you are on a recovery journey ~ learning what is best & healthy for you & your family ~ seeking the best way to handle addiction in your life ~ from my experience at SR ~ this is what we are all trying to do ~
I would like to share just my experience, strength and hope in one area with you ~ I spent a little over 16 yrs with an alcoholic/addict ~ I thought I protected our daughters from the ugliness of the disease as much as possible, my now exah was in & out of recovery and finally I left ~ I tried to teach my daughters compassion, love and understanding ~ but those 16 plus years ~ what I did teach my daughters was to tolerate unacceptable behaviors ~
That it was OK for their partner to NOT contribute to the financial part of the household
That it was OK for their partner to LIE to them
That it was OK for their partner to STEAL from them & their children
That it was OK for drugs/alcohol/gambling to come before your family
That it was OK to emotionally & mentally abused, to live in fear 24/7 and to live without self-respect
By accepting all these behaviors from my ex while raising my daughters ~ I taught them that it was ok to be treated like this ~ when I finally found the courage to walk away I started teaching them something different ~ sadly it was too late ~ Now I have to watch them go thru the same thing in their relationships ~
I can only pray that because they saw me finally stand up for myself, gain my self-respect and find another way - that some day - they will be able to do the same ~
They learned the unhealthiness FROM me ~ I pray now they can learn HEALTHY relationships from me too ~
Kids learn a lot in an alcoholic home . . .
I'm not saying what your child is learning ~ I'm just sharing what happened in my home Wishing you and yours the very best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Your daughters are lucky to have a mom that did get out of the madness and had the self-respect to do so. Even if they don't see that lesson now, they will. You were and are an excellent example to them. The alternative was to show them that it was okay to continue that way indefinitely. I hope you're proud of that. I am.
I just saved this post to refer to later if I start to lose sight of whats truly important here. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I'll add to this line of reason- I grew up in a very abusive home. My parents had a violent relationship, my mum left him and took us to live with a violent alcoholic. Out of the frying pan into the fire. Until I was 16 I was beaten my my father and watched my mum being abused. When I turned 17 I walked out of that straight into the arms of an abusive heroin addict. My sisters partner is an abuser. My brother is 16, but I know where he's heading. He's on the verge of becoming an abuser too.
I'm breaking the cycle. My daughter will never ever learn that it's ok for a man to install fear into me, her, or anyone else. She will never be taught to leave her self respect in the street. She will never, ever be taught to accept the unacceptable.
It's terrifying and at times I want to curl up in a ball and scream I CAN'T DO THIS.. But I don't. I take every day as it comes and I'm getting through each minute, each hour, and eventually each day.
For years my life revolved around my ex, what he needed, every whim he acted upon. Today my life revolves around what is best for my almost 2 year old. She deserves the world and I want to give it to her. But it starts with what she learns from me.
I couldn't do it for me, but I sure as hell can do it for her.
I'm breaking the cycle. My daughter will never ever learn that it's ok for a man to install fear into me, her, or anyone else. She will never be taught to leave her self respect in the street. She will never, ever be taught to accept the unacceptable.
It's terrifying and at times I want to curl up in a ball and scream I CAN'T DO THIS.. But I don't. I take every day as it comes and I'm getting through each minute, each hour, and eventually each day.
For years my life revolved around my ex, what he needed, every whim he acted upon. Today my life revolves around what is best for my almost 2 year old. She deserves the world and I want to give it to her. But it starts with what she learns from me.
I couldn't do it for me, but I sure as hell can do it for her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 119
I admire your courage to work on yourself Whereisdada. I am in a similar situation as you (newlywed but no kids).
My husband has gone to inpatient detox right before we got married, and after we were married ended up in the psych ward twice for near fatal overdoses. I posted during the first of these recent overdoses.
I am working really hard on my recovery lately, and it's really hard.
Like you, I'm avoiding being in the house when my husband is, whether he's high or not.
You know what the right decision is for you and your daughter. We are all here to support you.
My husband has gone to inpatient detox right before we got married, and after we were married ended up in the psych ward twice for near fatal overdoses. I posted during the first of these recent overdoses.
I am working really hard on my recovery lately, and it's really hard.
Like you, I'm avoiding being in the house when my husband is, whether he's high or not.
You know what the right decision is for you and your daughter. We are all here to support you.
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