WhereIsDada

I discovered my husband's addiction 1 week before I found out I was pregnant. We were newly-weds and had been planning for children right away because we were "established" and "stable". Nearly two years later, those seem like imaginary words.

During the pregnancy, my husband went through cycles of abusive and violent behavior, which correlated with periods of extreme use and detox. I supported him despite the mood swings, trying to remain empathetic to his struggle.

When our daughter was born and the behavior did not cease, I gave him the option of seeking treatment or moving out. Our journey started with a 3-day hospitalized detox (he used within 24 hrs after release), continued to a 30 day in-patient rehab (he used within 30 days of release), moved forward with 60 day separation, and within 30 days of returning home his usage escalated from snorting OC to using ivs. To maintain his addiction, he spends approx $120-200/day.

The decision to let go of my husband prior to rehab was easy b/c of his dangerous and unacceptable mood swings. Since his time in rehab, however, my husband has had significant growth emotionally. He has regular therapy sessions that have helped him regulate his emotions, and he now is a significant contributor to our household, a wonderful father, and a good husband.

Unfortunately, his addiction has gotten worse. To hide the relapse, he pawned his truck title, sold his work tools, and lied about incoming paychecks. He is an independant contractor, so it was easy for him to say "they didn't pay me" or "the check bounced" or "they are paying next week."

His addiction has left me responsible for all of our bills, and now puts my health at risk (I'm 99% sure he was sharing needles). He cries and has regular break downs, saying that he doesn't understand why he keeps screwing up. All he wants is his wife, child, and the "perfect family" that we both dreamed of.

At this point, however, the trust is completely gone from our relationship. He hides his addiction well, and manages to keep it separate from his "normal" life until the financial burden catches up to him.

After spending nearly two weeks of helping my husband detox, I discovered him using again this morning. He has everything - a supportive wife, beautiful child, beautiful home...even two dogs that love him like crazy. For some reason he can't let go of this second life filled with drugs and lies, though.

I don't know at what point I have to accept him for who he is, and move on with my life without him. I love my husband and it goes against everything in my soul to turn my back on someone that wants help.

I feel like allowing him to continue with this double life is no longer helping him, and makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of. I understand that recovery is a long process, though, and I really don't know if sending him to the streets to see if he'll sink or swim is the right answer either. I'm truly finding out that there are no answers anymore.

crazybabie

Hello, Welcome to SR, may I suggest you read the stickies at the top. There is a lot of information that may hit home with you. My husband was a subcontractor for many years and used the same excuses. I just noticed we live in the same town. I wish love and family was all it took to get an addict to stop I suppose if it worked that way there would be no users.

Please keep in mind what we call the 3 C's

You did not cause this
You cannot change this
You cannot cure this

What you have the power to do is work on taking care of yourself and the kids.


Ask yourself does he really want help? Yes, he went to rehab, he detoxed and he learned tools he needed to help him stay clean. He is in active use right now if he wanted help he would be getting the help and not using IMO.

I know this, is scary for you and I hate your having to go through this there will be more people with much more wisdom than I have,

Hope I at least gave you start checkout the stickies especially What addicts do.

WhereIsDada

Thank you Angie. The best thing that came out of his time at Bradford was the family program. I was so angry at my husband for "destroying my life" and selfishly bringing a new life into this world while hiding his problems. I learned through the family program that I am in control of my life, though, and I get to choose how his illness affects me. From that point on, I began to focus on my recovery as a co-dependent so that I could offer my daughter the healthy and happy mother she deserves. Today I am stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally than I've ever been before. It is still heartbreaking to watch your dreams of the future flush down the toilet (or should I say be shot up the veins). My parents were married (and divorced) 9 times between them, and I swore I would never follow their path. My husband loves me and our daughter very much, he just isn't ready to put in the work that it takes to keep us. The construction industry is an addict's candyland. Drugs are available everywhere he turns. I look at our perfect daughter and my entire soul screams that she was NOT a mistake - she is a gift beyond anything we could ever deserve. It terrifies me to think that it may be inevitable that she battle this demon along with her father, whether through disappointment, grief, or loss due to death, imprisonment, or abandonment.

EnglishGarden

Yes, you are definitely on the merry go round. And usually it is the spouse (and the boss, if there is one, but not in your situation) who holds the key to changing the circular drama that plays out again and again and again.

When he was in rehab did you start your own vigorous daily program of recovery? What does that look like? Do you see a weekly counselor? Do you attend a 12 step group yourself? You are the key here. Because you are the codependent enabler. He has lost control of his drugging. You cannot change that, but there are other very significant changes you can enact, if you are given the right guidance by professionals and recovering codependents, which can make you healthier and can have an impact on your addict.

He has no group? No sponsor? Someone with his level of severity would need several meetings a week for sobriety to hold, and probably for life. A book I refer to that's helpful is "The Selfish Brain." 50 minutes a week with a counselor will likely not be enough ongoing management of his disease for your husband. He needs daily vigorous management and that comes from fellowship with other recovering addicts. And probably at minimum a 90 day rehab just to get his recovery at the starting gate.

You will not be able to control his addictive behaviors but you do have leverage. I would seek an addictions counselor and attend Al-Anon to address your own distorted thinking and behavior (we all experience such, when living with active addicts).

Your description of him as a wonderful father and husband worries me.

There is much recovery here, you are definitely in the right place. I'm glad you found SR. WELCOME. There is always hope. With work. What he wants and what you want--that happy family--will come only through intense gut-level long-term work.

dollydo

Your entire post is very disturbing to me. He is an IV drug user, who spends around 40K a year on drugs and you consider him a wonderful husband and father.

All I can say is that your daughter is the true victim in this relationship, you can attempt to be the mother she deserves, however, as long as she is exposed to addiction her childhood will be filled with nothing but heartache...she will see and hear everything...children internalize their fears and they carry their childhood into adulthood.

I would suggest that you read Codependent No More...also read all the stickies at the top of this forum and all of those in the Family & Friends section, lots of information at your fingertips.

There are answers, however, they all start and end with you...his addiction is is his issue to resolve...not yours...you need to get healthy for your daughter, you are her future.

WhereIsDada

I had an employee who is diabetic. Every day, he ate fast food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He drank sodas and ate candy bars.

Eventually, his failure to manage his disease caused him to lose his leg. They went bankrupt from the medical bills.

Nonetheless, he continued with a poor diet until he was forced to go on full time disability so that he could have dialysis treatments several times a week.

Suddenly, his wife was the only income for the family (and she has a daycare worker's salary).

When people talk about this man, they talk about how wonderful of a husband, father, and friend he is. How he was a devout Christian with upstanding morals and values. How he would always lend a hand to those in need. They talk about how unfortunate it is that his poor decisions and illness have left their family destitute.

Not once has someone told his wife that she should leave, b/c he is a financial burden due to his selfish behavior. Not once has someone questioned his ability to be a good husband or father b/c of his inability (or unwillingness) to control and manage his illness.

My father was never in the picture. He was a paramedic and a school teacher. I would occasionally meet people that recognized my last name and associated me with my father. "He is a wonderful man," they would say. "He is so caring and compassionate."

All of this is true. He is caring and compassionate. He has dedicated his life to helping others. He has also been married and divorced 5 times, and can go years without speaking to myself or my siblings.

He is a good person, but a rotten husband and father.

My husband has not found recovery in his addiction, but as I posted earlier, he has found recovery in his behavior.

I do not apologize for saying that a man that is home every night to sing his daughter to sleep, read her books, play with her, and do everything in his power (within the restraints of his illness) to make sure she is not afraid or sad or unhappy is a good father. Perfect? No. Capable of raising her on his own? No. Self-destructive and ill? Yes.

Just as my employee did not eat a candy bar to hurt his family, my husband is not an active user to hurt his. The substance abuser is certainly easier to demonize than the masochist, though.

You are right that it is my job to protect her.

I wish somebody could tell me the "right" way to do this. Is it to separate her now so that she will forget her attachment and will hopefully be spared disappointment and hurt feelings down the road. Or will she forever wonder why her father wasn't there for her.

Is it to let her only be exposed to him in moderation so that she only gets the best parts of him, thereby minimizing and hiding his illness? Is it to let her get every moment possible with him b/c he could be dead tomorrow?

If someone thinks this answer is easy or clear then they are much more insightful than myself, and I envy their ability to find the "perfect family" that we continue to work towards.

EnglishGarden

I do not doubt his love for you or for your child, not at all. And yes, many addicts do play with their children, sing to their children, cuddle them and reassure them when they are fearful. But there the comparison between a good father and a drug addict father ends.

The "restraints" of his illness you refer to paints him as helpless to vigorously pursue, by every means possible, recovery. He is not helpless. He can begin a sincere and daily program of recovery. He is not doing so. He is not doing so because he does not want to. Because this is his number one priority: getting high. Getting loaded comes first, before his daughter. Every day that he gets out of bed and reaches for the needle instead of dragging his butt to a 12-Step meeting is a day he has put junk before his child.

Your husband is a junkie and he will get better when he decides to, and that is not happening today.

So, the question still loops back to you: are you working a program of recovery with a professional counselor and weekly attendance at Al-Anon or Nar-Anon?

Doing so will lead you to the answers you seek.

crazybabie

I am glad you used the program for families when he was getting his treatment that wasa good choice IMO...

WhereIsDada

I attended al-anon meetings for a time, and while I can see how this could be useful for many people I personally found the meeting to be more of a memorial for what's lost than a resource for growth and development of my mental, spiritual, and physical health (All of which I believe are truly essential to recovery)

So I set forth on my own path.

Five months ago I joined weight watchers and I have lost almost 40 lbs with the program. 8 weeks ago I joined a running training group, and I am signed up to run two 5ks in the month of May.

I started playing piano and guitar again. On weekends I take our daughter to the park instead of staying cooped up in the house. I have begun individual counseling with a preacher for spiritual strength and guidance. I meditate and pray - a lot.

I work full time to support us financially, and have found great success in my career. I have two trips planned in 2012 with friends that do not include my husband. I do not drink or use any drugs (except for an occasional post-run tylenol for muscle soreness).

In the beginning this illness was taking me with it, but as I said in my first post, I am currently stronger now than I have ever been in my life. After all, what doesn't kill you make you stronger.

You are absolutely right. My husband is a junkie. And a liar. And fiscally irresponsible. But the biggest mistake I ever made was in the early stage of recovery when I treated him as less than a human being. As nothing more than an addict.

People, even desperate and lowly addicts, may still have value, and the moment we forget that is the moment that we lose our humanity.

No one can downplay the severity of this situation. It certainly isn't easy to know that I don't trust my husband to drive with my daughter. It is not easy being responsible for her 24/7 because I can't take a risk leaving him alone with her. It would be easier to give up and move on - and I might be forced to do this very soon.

I do not hold my breath for his recovery. My life is moving forward with or without him. I refuse to devalue the good in his life, though, simply for the sake of highlighting the bad.

No one puts that needle in his hand. No one forces him to use. These are his decisions in life and he has to live with the consequences.

Until I have no weaknesses or imperfections of my own, though, I will not judge the weaknesses and imperfections of others. I will continue to recognize the good until it is overrun by the bad.

Windmills

Doing the practical parenting tasks that a good parent would do is great. However, that's where the comparisons stop. A good parent is emotionally and mentally available, a good parent doesn't risk their own life every single day. If you're sexually active with him then he's also risking your life. An active addict cannot be a good parent. I'm sure he adores his daughter and wants to be a great dad, but unfortunately he's not there right now.
It's easy to see where your head is at- you love this man and you want to keep your family together. It's hard to read what a great dad he is.. Except that he can't be alone with her or drive with her or anything else that requires responsibility. Noone is suggesting you should dehumanise him- how many of us do you imagine have an addicted loved one?
My daughters father is a heroin addict, his addiction has ripped my family to shreds. I don't hate him for it, I don't feel angry.. He's very sick and he needs a lot of help, but until he accepts that and finds and utilises the help, my compassion for him is basically irrelevant.

Windmills

Ps, it definitely wasn't easier to 'give up and move on'. It was way harder and took a lot more courage and determination to wake up one day and decide to change my life and make myself and my daughter homeless and lose all our possessions. At least we're safe now.

dollydo

Addiction is a serious disease that has consequences that diabetes does not. These consequences being jails, institutions and serious drug induced mental/physical issues.

You are attempting to compare apples and oranges. It sounds like everyone was saying the Christian thing about the man with diabetes, was it actual fact...who knows.

No one has told you to leave, in fact, my only concern is for your daughter. I lived in the home of an alcoholic I know first hand what a toxic enviorment it is. I prayed everyday that someone would come and rescue me...no one ever did...I saw and heard everything, including people playing lets pretend everything is ok...when it was not.

You are going to do what you are going to do, I hope it all works out as you have it planned.

Anaya

Excellent point - "but until he accepts that and finds and utilises...compassion for him is basically irrelevant." This speaks volumes and is a good reality check.

I am chipping away at my own issues with codependency and can relate to the very strong desire to try to "save," "fix things," and to "not judge." It is never easy.

outtolunch

Is it possible that what you love most is the hopeful fantasy of the man you needed, wanted and thought he was?

Impurrfect

I was a codie LONG before I became an A (my totally stupid way of coping with realizing that A was going to do what he wanted to, regardless of what I thought he should).

I just have to say something about your comment of not wanting to turn your back on someone who wants help.

I have over 5 years in recovery. Though I never went to rehab (unless you consider jail a rehab), I cried MANY times of how I didn't want to be an A any more. Then I went straight back to using. I could be that loving auntie to my lastest XABF's nieces who absolutely adored me, as could he. Then we'd leave the family behind and go back to crack.

I'm just saying it's fairly common for us A's to TALK about wanting help, yet not put the work it takes into actually GETTING help.

I totally get what you are feeling. I stayed with XABF#1 for around 20 years. It turned me into a person I didn't want to be.

He's already pawned off his stuff to get his drugs, chances are high YOUR stuff will be next.

I know this is your decision to stick by him, and I did the same with three XABFs. I can tell you, though, it was only when I'd lost my nursing career, became homeless, got locked up enough times, that I even entertained the thought of recovery. Had I been allowed to use and still have all the comforts of home? I'd mostly likely be dead, as is my latest XABF because using was more important than going to see a dr. for pneumonia, which could have been treated.

Another thing..yes, construction jobs are often rampant with drug use, but I have several friends in recovery that do exactly that type of work. I worked with a guy who was a crack dealer (my DOC), eventually started using his own product and I just wrapped myself in recovery and detached.

We A's (and codies, since I am both) can justify a lot of things to keep doing what we're doing. Children do get hurt when addiction is involved, you can't avoid that any more than you can avoid the fact that his addiction is hurting you.

Being loved didn't get me clean. Facing the harsh consequences that my addiction brought on me, and my family loving me enough to let me DEAL with the consequences? That did it for me, but some never get to that point.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. i wish it was a perfect world but it isn't. your husband will not stop using until he hits his bottom. some addicts never do. YOU have got to decide when & where your bottom is. nobody can tell you this or decide it just as u can not tell your husband. stay with us. we r here for you & will walk this with you. prayers for you & your husband.

YearForMe

Have you considered that:

a. paying all of the bills
b. giving him a warm place to sleep
c. food available if he wants it
d. no expectations
e. A sweet little daughter to cuddle and sing to........

Might be a real cozy situation for him to stay in his addiction?

And might be contributing the the fantasy in HIS head that "he's not too bad...."

You can Love an addict TO DEATH if you aren't careful.

Katiekate

I'm so sorry for your stuggles, it sounds very hard.

I noticed in your posts that you seem to take offense to what others are saying. It seems you infer that some of the posters here insist that your husbands life is something to be devalued. I think you misunderstand, completely. This is probably one of the most compassionate group of people you will ever meet.

What I have learned in fact is that I have devalued my addicts life by being his enabler, by continuing to aid him in his addicition, every time I bailed him out, or excused him because he was a wonderful man, a great lover, a compassionate human being, I devalued him, I devalued him because I did not allow him to see that he was killing himself, that he was hurting the woman who truly loves him, I was buffering him from his bottom, he had no chance of a truly meaningful and peaceful life because I was taking care of him and everytime I did that, I devalued and disrespected him.

As painful as this is for me to say, I feel that if there was a child concerned in my situation, I would be devaluing that child as well, by insisting that whatever I was willing to put up with, my child by association would be putting up with it to, therefore devaluing my child's life as well.

This is my experience, what I have learned on my journey, it took me a long time to begin to see my own sickness.

BeavsDad

"My parents were married (and divorced) 9 times between them, and I swore I would never follow their path."

Maybe try to keep your mommy/daddy issues out of it.

Growing up in a home full of drug/codepedency addictions could turn out worse than growing up in the home of a strong single parent/step-parent.

You shouldn't need to run out and get divorced today, but some stronger boundaries may be in order.

Good luck.

MsPINKAcres

((WID))

There has been a lot of information given here, lots of suggestions and lots of things talked about ~ it appears that you are on a recovery journey ~ learning what is best & healthy for you & your family ~ seeking the best way to handle addiction in your life ~ from my experience at SR ~ this is what we are all trying to do ~

I would like to share just my experience, strength and hope in one area with you ~ I spent a little over 16 yrs with an alcoholic/addict ~ I thought I protected our daughters from the ugliness of the disease as much as possible, my now exah was in & out of recovery and finally I left ~ I tried to teach my daughters compassion, love and understanding ~ but those 16 plus years ~ what I did teach my daughters was to tolerate unacceptable behaviors ~
That it was OK for their partner to NOT contribute to the financial part of the household
That it was OK for their partner to LIE to them
That it was OK for their partner to STEAL from them & their children
That it was OK for drugs/alcohol/gambling to come before your family
That it was OK to emotionally & mentally abused, to live in fear 24/7 and to live without self-respect

By accepting all these behaviors from my ex while raising my daughters ~ I taught them that it was ok to be treated like this ~ when I finally found the courage to walk away I started teaching them something different ~ sadly it was too late ~ Now I have to watch them go thru the same thing in their relationships ~

I can only pray that because they saw me finally stand up for myself, gain my self-respect and find another way - that some day - they will be able to do the same ~

They learned the unhealthiness FROM me ~ I pray now they can learn HEALTHY relationships from me too ~

Kids learn a lot in an alcoholic home . . .

I'm not saying what your child is learning ~ I'm just sharing what happened in my home Wishing you and yours the very best

PINK HUGS,
Rita