LoveMeNow

I keep hearing and reading that an active addict is incapable of real love.

Please drive this point home to me. Somebody will have the words that smack me over the head.....someone always does. Thank you!

tjp613

Well, whether or not this addresses your specific request -- it's DEFINITELY worth the time to read: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Freedom1990

As a long-term recovering addict, I can assure you 100% that in active addiction I had zero capacity to love myself. Therefore I was incapable of loving someone else.

LoveMeNow

Grear information and Thank you! Here it is -

As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them!!

dollydo

What exactly is your definition of "Real Love"...sometimes in order to understand, we must start at the beginning and then back into the answer.

LoveMeNow

I have recently started seeing a Christian therapist and we are addressing this issue. I really like her and feel very connected to her. She never lets me leave her office with out giving me a long tight hug. It's different but I really like it especially since my mother passed away 2 years ago and I miss her so much.

I have noticed that since my mother died my life as well as his addiction has really spiraled down hill so fast. I am not sure what that means yet. I just know it's not a coincidence. She adored my husband and would be so broken hearted by all of this. He adored her too, was wonderful to her and I believe he kept his addiction a well kept secret until shortly after she died. I don't think this happened as fast as I used to believe. I think it was in the making - long before I ever knew about it.

One thing I am seeing more clearly - Addiction = Emotional abuse and I will NOY be abused by the man who vowed to love, honor protect me.

In the past (almost) week, he has been going to AA/NA meetings 2x times a day, wants a sponsor but hasn't found one yet, is seeing a therapist, claims to not have used with the help of suboxone, has returned to his Overcomer's for Christ meetings and has been making lots of "nice" efforts. We have still been arguing some, I still don't trust him, I still think he may be trying to manipulate me, he still can not come home, and only time will tell how serious he is and I will stand firm on this....this time!!

And for ME, I have been seeing a therapist, attending Al-anon meetings, growing Spiritually, and of course - reading, posting and learning here at SR! I have quit smoking (day 8), updated my resume and actively seeking work as I have always worked with/for him. I found the courage and strength to tell him NO, he could not come home and it felt good! I am far from in "recovery" but I know I can find peace and happiness again - even if its not with him. Fear doesn't have the power it did. I am listening to my instincts and all of this is a start!

I know I read something about this statement - "I am doing the best I can" - I can't find it anywhere now. Can someone tell me what, if anything, that means in addict talk?

suki44883

Take care of yourself, hon. They love us as best they can. It's just that the addiction is more imperative. Doesn't mean they love drugs or alcohol more, it's just that they have to feed that addiction or they will be sick. It starts out as fun, but then becomes a habit which turns into an obsession. It really and truly has nothing to do with you.

Take care of yourself.

bluebelle

My RABF has affirmed many times that when he was using, his best friend was oxy.

It sounds like you are doing well taking care of yourself. Sit back and watch his actions, not his words. You're doing the best thing by taking care of you. Try to focus on that and not what he is doing. You can't predict his future.

outtolunch

Someone once posted something alongs the lines of " if you cannot say no, you have no business being in any relationship".

Kindeyes

The entire post that the above excerpt came from defined being "in recovery". Recovery is a process.....it is not a destination.

You're doing fine!

gentle hugs
ke