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Mending My Boundary Fence

Old 05-02-2012, 07:08 AM
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Mending My Boundary Fence

Uggg... I have got to stop taking down my boundary fence.

I made a clear boundary a few months ago that I would not be involved with someone on methadone treatment. I really thought it was a boundary that I would not cross, but here I find myself deeply involved with my AB while he is enrolled in MMT.

To give him credit it seems he is clean of any other substance, and he has been working.

Anyways I allowed myself to be talked into trying it, by the mmt clinic, my AB, and the pro mmt literature out there. It may work for some - but I have watched my AB get worse over the past month (he has been in mmt for almost 3 months). It is like living with someone on opiates all over again.

My other boundary was my AB needed to be working a recovery program. Type of program and frequency is up to AB, as it is his recovery. The recovery program AB picked was mmt and the once weekly required meeting at the clinic. nothing else. uggg.

So I am in the process of rebuilding my boundary. I know crossing my boundaries is unhealthy so I am making sure I am not making unrealistic boundaries for myself.

I am attending individual therapy - it is going well. My counselor is a good match for me. I am waiting to see the doctor next month to be prescribed meds. I am bi-polar, with major depressions, and a recovering addict. Think I am needing a little help.

I attended my first alanon meeting a week ago. I was glad I was able to finally go into one. I hope to go back, but Ab is fighting about me going to alanon and at this time I can not use his car. there is a meeting about a mile away tonight, so I am hoping I can make it to that one if the rain holds off.

The tension in the house was so heavy last night, I had to just walk away. I think I walked for close to 2 hours. I had no particular destination in mind, just walked. AB did jump in the car and drove next to me for a little in the beginning, but I kept the music turned up loud so I couldn't hear him, and turned into fenced field that he couldn't drive into.... the rest of the walk was just me. When I realized that I was no longer thinking about what was going on at home, I took a few more steps and then just turned around and headed home. The first half of the walk got rid of all my frustrations, the second half of the walk was for me. It was great therapy. When I returned, AB was still tense and ready to fight - his famous words "game on."

So today is a new day - time for me to start mending my boundary fence. I so want to enjoy my pasture of a life without letting the cows come thru and "sh*t" on my grass. They need to go on their own grass before coming to visit....lol
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Old 05-02-2012, 07:57 AM
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I can not use his car. there is a meeting about a mile away tonight, so I am hoping I can make it to that one if the rain holds off.

The tension in the house was so heavy last night, I had to just walk away. I think I walked for close to 2 hours.
Hey there
Welcome to the F&F forum. I'm glad you found us! I hope you find comfort and support here.

You don't need his car. You can walk. Rain? Not a problem. I live in the Seattle area. If we didn't get out in the rain, we'd never go anywhere! I haven't melted yet (but I am a little rusty).

I'll bet that if you walk to a meeting one or two times, you'll find someone at the meeting willing to pick you up and bring you in the future. If I knew someone was walking and needed a ride to a meeting, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Keep going back. They say it works if you work it......and it does.

Your post on mending boundary fences was a great reminder for me that I need to maintain my boundary fences as well. Thank you for that.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:09 AM
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As long as the thundering and lighting hold off I will be walking to the meeting tonight - I can handle a drizzle.
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:28 AM
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Yeah.....we don't get a whole lot of thunder & lightening.....that could be a problem! Be safe!

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ke
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Old 05-02-2012, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by gorrie View Post


My other boundary was my AB needed to be working a recovery program.
This is an attempt to control someone else, the opposite of a boundary.

Boundaries begin with " I will/will not...."
Attempts to control usually begin with " you will...or else..."

Attempt to control other people usually do not work and lead to mutual resentments.
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Old 05-02-2012, 11:18 AM
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I don't understand the MMT boundary, I know a lot of people have negative feelings towards methadone but it enables my ex to live something of a normal life. In my mind your boundaries are contradictory- he can't do MMT but must get treatment? Personally my boundary is 'I will not live with or maintain a romantic relationship with anyone who behaves like a completely crazy insane pwrson'. It works pretty well!
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Old 05-02-2012, 01:05 PM
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Good for you for working with the counselor and at the meetings. As other said, boundaries are for what you will and not tolerate in your life. They are not to control other people's behavior. The fact that he followed you when you walked and then you got back and he re-started the argument does not sound like a healthy situation.

An example of a boundary--I will not let my AM emotionally abuse me. So, if she calls me and starts saying mean things to me, then I hang up. It's not a boundary for her. I'm not telling her how to live her life. However, I am saying that I will not allow her to yell at me. It's not about control of her actions. It is about what I will and will not allow in my life. Learning about boundaries has helped me take control of my life.
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