lower my expectations....it's hard.
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lower my expectations....it's hard.
Sigh. Long story short, my xah and I talked on the phone on Friday. Didn't really get anywhere because he is in denial and can't accept any responsibility. I brought up the fact he always cancels on visitation.
Fast forward to Monday (3 days later)
, you would think he would make sure he makes it to visitation. Nope. He cancels a half hour before the visit. We have a make up visit today, and haven't heard form him. He is suppose to call/text before 12 to verify visit or forget it. Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I should hunt him down. I always question myself. BUT I always stick to my guns and follow the boundries/rules. But, I know this is just going to make him even more angry and he is going to lash out at me again. Everything is my fault, even when he can't be responsible enough to text/call to verify the vist.
I have been disappointed by him so many times. Why am I always surprised?
And no, my son NEVER even knows about visitations until we pull up to the park and we see his car. If I am disappointed and hurt, just think how my son would feel.
Fast forward to Monday (3 days later)
, you would think he would make sure he makes it to visitation. Nope. He cancels a half hour before the visit. We have a make up visit today, and haven't heard form him. He is suppose to call/text before 12 to verify visit or forget it. Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I should hunt him down. I always question myself. BUT I always stick to my guns and follow the boundries/rules. But, I know this is just going to make him even more angry and he is going to lash out at me again. Everything is my fault, even when he can't be responsible enough to text/call to verify the vist. I have been disappointed by him so many times. Why am I always surprised?
And no, my son NEVER even knows about visitations until we pull up to the park and we see his car. If I am disappointed and hurt, just think how my son would feel.
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Originally Posted by story74 
I have been disappointed by him so many times. Why am I always surprised?
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Well, I have considered state visits, BUT don't want to do that to my son. I am perfectly content with the 2 hours a week supervised visits, but he isn't. He keeps telling me he is going to take me to court to get supervision, and then does stuff like this. I was so anxious before, but I am feeling confident that he doesn't have a case. Also, I don't want to go to court or get a lawyer. My lawter is very expensive and I just don't really have the money for it. I read in a post a few days ago "he wants his cake and eat it to". that is this man child to the t. He doesn't ever think about his son. It is all about HIM and HIS needs. He is a hot mess.
And when he cancels a visit, I rejoice. It makes my case stronger, I don't have to see him and I don't reschedule. There is no excuse for rescheduling in my eyes. He should be proving himself, and he isn't. He wants his cake and eat it too! This make up visit was for me because I had to cancel last week to take my son to the docotors.
I'm a worry wort by nature. And, I just have this feeling he will be texting me at 4 saying he is at the park. And when I tell him he didn't follow the rules by texting/calling to verify visitation I fear his anger. I just don't want to deal with it.
On Friday, when we talked for the first time since August, I told him enough of his madness and just let me have peace and happiness. I am slowly getting out of flight and fight mode. I have done a pretty good job going no contact as much as possible. 99% of the time I pretty much ignore him. On friday, I couldn't take his BS anymore and tried to calm him down and mediate the situation. After this conversation and this week I have realized there really is no hope. And yes, I still have the fantasy to some extent. I am finally at the point where I don't want him back, but on Friday after talking to him I thought how nice it would be to have him over to dinner, spend our son's birthday together and co-parent. I want to allow him to be a parent, but I refuse to accept his behavior. And he just wants his cake and eat it too! He is so deep in denial and seriosuly thinks I am keeping my son away from him. What he doesn't realize is that I am protecting my son from an addict. He is so unreliable. And, the people he hangs with are trash. I don't need him to destroy my son.
I just hate always having to deal with his crap. I actually pray everyday that he gets worse and forgets about us, because I don't think he will ever get better. Isn't that sad? This inbetween...this "i'm sober" crap is just irritating and tiring. But, I have got to follow our custody arrangement to a t because I don't want to loose what I have.
Meanwhile, as crazy as this sounds my son and I are enjoying life together. We have a nice quiet, peaceful life. It is calm. I am happy with everything else in my life. I love every minute of what I have. ANd I have a lot. I am just trying to deal with this man child addict. I am slowly just letting it go...I know I just started this thread. But, I just can't take it anymore. It just isn't worth it because life is too beautiful.
Just nervous today anticipating his reaction for not following the rules.
Thanks for always reading and posting!!! This site has saved me in so many ways!!!
And when he cancels a visit, I rejoice. It makes my case stronger, I don't have to see him and I don't reschedule. There is no excuse for rescheduling in my eyes. He should be proving himself, and he isn't. He wants his cake and eat it too! This make up visit was for me because I had to cancel last week to take my son to the docotors.
I'm a worry wort by nature. And, I just have this feeling he will be texting me at 4 saying he is at the park. And when I tell him he didn't follow the rules by texting/calling to verify visitation I fear his anger. I just don't want to deal with it.
On Friday, when we talked for the first time since August, I told him enough of his madness and just let me have peace and happiness. I am slowly getting out of flight and fight mode. I have done a pretty good job going no contact as much as possible. 99% of the time I pretty much ignore him. On friday, I couldn't take his BS anymore and tried to calm him down and mediate the situation. After this conversation and this week I have realized there really is no hope. And yes, I still have the fantasy to some extent. I am finally at the point where I don't want him back, but on Friday after talking to him I thought how nice it would be to have him over to dinner, spend our son's birthday together and co-parent. I want to allow him to be a parent, but I refuse to accept his behavior. And he just wants his cake and eat it too! He is so deep in denial and seriosuly thinks I am keeping my son away from him. What he doesn't realize is that I am protecting my son from an addict. He is so unreliable. And, the people he hangs with are trash. I don't need him to destroy my son.
I just hate always having to deal with his crap. I actually pray everyday that he gets worse and forgets about us, because I don't think he will ever get better. Isn't that sad? This inbetween...this "i'm sober" crap is just irritating and tiring. But, I have got to follow our custody arrangement to a t because I don't want to loose what I have.
Meanwhile, as crazy as this sounds my son and I are enjoying life together. We have a nice quiet, peaceful life. It is calm. I am happy with everything else in my life. I love every minute of what I have. ANd I have a lot. I am just trying to deal with this man child addict. I am slowly just letting it go...I know I just started this thread. But, I just can't take it anymore. It just isn't worth it because life is too beautiful.
Just nervous today anticipating his reaction for not following the rules.
Thanks for always reading and posting!!! This site has saved me in so many ways!!!
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Not sure how old your kids are? I was am in similar situation. I don't have court appointed visits but as far as expectations, I have none. It took along time to get here, and my sons are teens now and their father has basically been absent for the last 6 years. A couple christmas's some calls on their birthdays and two years ago he came to some of our sons footballl games. My sons know their dad has a drug problem. I never bashed him or spoke badly of him to my boys. I took my boys to alateen and I have a strong faith in God and encourage them to pray for their father. My youngest has been affected by this the most of my two boys. I have been heart broken at times watching the pain and hurt begin to affect him. I prayed and reached out to their uncle and a asst principal that have mentored my son. It has not been easy and I just stuck to the can't expect anything from him and praying for him and did not cause it and can't control it or cure it. This january a break through for my son on letting go of the anger and pain and accepting that it is what it is. Their dad has come over this past month a couple times and had dinner with us, mowed the lawn with our youngest and this past weekend took down our old shed witth our son. I had long talks with my boys of enjoying their dad when they can and reminding them the anger and bitterness will only destroy the person carrying it around. I know as a mother the pain and frustration that goes with your ex not being responsible, but today I can just accept that it is what it is and any expectations I have are going to become resentments for me. I attend alanon meetings to keep me grounded and to continue to keep my thinking healthy. I will pray for you yor ex amd the kids.
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I also have asked my sons if they want to see their father and if they do remind them it could be 6 months until they see him again. I know he does not want to hurt them and feels alot of guilt for abandoning them, but his addiction has been more important and his priorities are messed up because of it. Its not an excuse its just a fact that I keep in mind and remind myself to not take it personal he is doing what addicts do. I also don't do anything I don't feel good about doing. I listen to my instincts today. I don't let fear and anger guide my decisions. Its a daily task. I love my serenity and will protect it at all costs. I still love my ex and always will, I have not given up hope he can find recovery. I am also seeking gods will for my life and not sure what the future holds for me or him. I can only do me and trust god to take care of him and my kids. I provide a stable and healthy home that's safe and has peace. I welcome any visits that are not interfering with my kids lifes or mine. Prayer meetings and keeping the focus on me helps me tremendously ....
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Well, he ended up being a no call no show. Yay!
What am I worried about? My worry and anxiety has gotten less and less over the year, but whenever he gets mad he threatens to take me to court and change our custody agreement. The thought of him taKing my son and hanging out with another woman who has a police record, vindicitve, controlling and is also using scares me. I dont think the people my x has surrounded himself are of good character and I also don't think he is of good character either. Then, I worry about the money and being able to fight him in court. He is very good at scaring me. I think it is his only way of trying to control me. That being said, I don't bend to want he wants. I set up boundries and he needs to follow them or forget it. I have finally gotten to the point of realizing nothing has changed on his part and there is no way he would win ikn court. I also am getting to the point realizing that my son is a very strong person and I have raised him well. I have to trust that he makes good choices. I have also come to realize that I can't live my life in fear and anxiety any longer. If it happens, I will fight for the best interest of my son. My x is a jerk. He throws a tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. I have been through so much this year. At every disappointment from him I get closer and closer to letting go. I want to get to the point where it doesn't bolther me. I don't want his anger and toxic stressful life to affect me. I'm really so happy that he left. It really was for the best. We are healthy and happy. I miss him. We spent 16 years together, but its done. We have new paths to follow. So, it is getting better and better. We are healing and moving on, unfortunately he isn't. It is just so complicated and so difficult. I feel like this is really a life lesson for me on how to deal with patience and anger and forgiveness. I just hope he either recovers and becomes responsible or just goes away. Its like he is doing everything for himself. He messed up so bad and is trying to fool everyone into believing he is fine and dandy. His mom came down for a couple weeks and he fooled her. Although, deep down inside I know she knows the truth. She felt the same way talking to him as I did on. Friday...didn't really get anywhere. So, he wants to prove to the world that he is all good, but its not going to work. It isn't working. I'm the one in the trenches and I see it. I have done a damn good job protecting my son and setting up very strong boundries. It pisses him off. He sees it as controlling. But I will not let him hurt my dear sweet loving innocent son. I have done and will do everything for my son. I always say, thanks for listening. It is just such a horrible things t5ol go through. Its nice to have this release. And thank god he was a no show today. Just another thing to document and add to the very long list of irresponsible behavior. I think in the fall when my finances will be better I might just go see my lawyer to see what my options are. I might see if it is even possible to take away all visitation and just leave me in charge of the best interest of my child. It is scary to have some judge rule on what's best for your child. But, I don't know bc my son does enjoy playing with him. I think it is good for him. I just have to get it to be drama free. But, I'm not the one crying during visitation and walking out without saying goodbye. It is so hard dealing with an addict. Which is why I think it best if he just got out of our life forever unless sober. An addikct doesn't need to be around a child. My son is only 4, but as he gets older this behavior won't fly. Time. Day by day. Like I said we have been through hell this past year now, I just want peace, happiness and contentment...that's my goal.
What am I worried about? My worry and anxiety has gotten less and less over the year, but whenever he gets mad he threatens to take me to court and change our custody agreement. The thought of him taKing my son and hanging out with another woman who has a police record, vindicitve, controlling and is also using scares me. I dont think the people my x has surrounded himself are of good character and I also don't think he is of good character either. Then, I worry about the money and being able to fight him in court. He is very good at scaring me. I think it is his only way of trying to control me. That being said, I don't bend to want he wants. I set up boundries and he needs to follow them or forget it. I have finally gotten to the point of realizing nothing has changed on his part and there is no way he would win ikn court. I also am getting to the point realizing that my son is a very strong person and I have raised him well. I have to trust that he makes good choices. I have also come to realize that I can't live my life in fear and anxiety any longer. If it happens, I will fight for the best interest of my son. My x is a jerk. He throws a tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. I have been through so much this year. At every disappointment from him I get closer and closer to letting go. I want to get to the point where it doesn't bolther me. I don't want his anger and toxic stressful life to affect me. I'm really so happy that he left. It really was for the best. We are healthy and happy. I miss him. We spent 16 years together, but its done. We have new paths to follow. So, it is getting better and better. We are healing and moving on, unfortunately he isn't. It is just so complicated and so difficult. I feel like this is really a life lesson for me on how to deal with patience and anger and forgiveness. I just hope he either recovers and becomes responsible or just goes away. Its like he is doing everything for himself. He messed up so bad and is trying to fool everyone into believing he is fine and dandy. His mom came down for a couple weeks and he fooled her. Although, deep down inside I know she knows the truth. She felt the same way talking to him as I did on. Friday...didn't really get anywhere. So, he wants to prove to the world that he is all good, but its not going to work. It isn't working. I'm the one in the trenches and I see it. I have done a damn good job protecting my son and setting up very strong boundries. It pisses him off. He sees it as controlling. But I will not let him hurt my dear sweet loving innocent son. I have done and will do everything for my son. I always say, thanks for listening. It is just such a horrible things t5ol go through. Its nice to have this release. And thank god he was a no show today. Just another thing to document and add to the very long list of irresponsible behavior. I think in the fall when my finances will be better I might just go see my lawyer to see what my options are. I might see if it is even possible to take away all visitation and just leave me in charge of the best interest of my child. It is scary to have some judge rule on what's best for your child. But, I don't know bc my son does enjoy playing with him. I think it is good for him. I just have to get it to be drama free. But, I'm not the one crying during visitation and walking out without saying goodbye. It is so hard dealing with an addict. Which is why I think it best if he just got out of our life forever unless sober. An addikct doesn't need to be around a child. My son is only 4, but as he gets older this behavior won't fly. Time. Day by day. Like I said we have been through hell this past year now, I just want peace, happiness and contentment...that's my goal.
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"But, I don't know bc my son does enjoy playing with him."
IMHO, that is not what being a parent is about, your son can play with his friends.
Sometimes, the best solutions for a minor are best decided by a third party who can take all the emotion out of the matter.
IMHO, that is not what being a parent is about, your son can play with his friends.
Sometimes, the best solutions for a minor are best decided by a third party who can take all the emotion out of the matter.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
. he's SHOWING how little he really cares....no sense trying to make him into a dad if he has no real desire to be one.
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You are very right that being a parent isn't about just playing with him. I do feel resentful that he plays with him flor 2 hours and that's it. Its not fair. But an addict doesn't make anything fair. My son loves his daddy and at this point in time seems happy with very random moments with his father. I'm ok with it too. I just wish the x addict would accept it as it is.
No matter how strong my case is, I don't ever want to ever have a third party make decisions about my childs future. I don't want the anxiety and feel it is a waste of money. That is my job as a parent, and I'm bust my butt trying to be fair, strong and always think of what is best for my son.
No matter how strong my case is, I don't ever want to ever have a third party make decisions about my childs future. I don't want the anxiety and feel it is a waste of money. That is my job as a parent, and I'm bust my butt trying to be fair, strong and always think of what is best for my son.
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I completely understand. I have two little ones and my oldest is 4. My AH is supposed to see them twice a week, he usually only makes it once and as far as my son is concerned it's just a fun surprise. I supervise the visits and I don't want a third party involved, these are my children they are my responsibility and I want them to feel comfortable. I know I have the upper hand, I know I have full custody, but I'm still always afraid. I'm afraid because right now he claims he's sober and his life is getting better and that he's going to work his way up to spending more time with them. Sadly, nothing good will come from that for our children, because even sober he's is nothing more than a big playmate and a bad example of how to live your life with questionable associates. If I cut off access completely, he would fight me and that fight scares me b/c judges aren't always the best and my AH cleans up and acts completely normal when he wants to. I just do the same thing you do, I setup boundaries, I document everything and I know if we do end up in court I'll be able to at least state my case clearly. It's hard and it's a delicate balancing act that's difficult to handle or explain, but I understand. I'm sure some days are better than others...just keep reminding yourself that you are in a better position than you think you are.
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