please need more suggestion to this thread
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please need more suggestion to this thread
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Kiki~
I can hear your pain. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place.
The email exchange you had with your daughter sounds a lot like the fruitless, back-and-forth conversations I used to have with my ALO and XAH. It is impossible to try to reason with someone who is not in recovery, whether that's from addiction/alcoholism or unmanaged mental health issues. One of the boundaries I established for myself was that I would no longer attempt to engage in "heavy" discussion with anyone who was not in a healthy place. As long as my ALO is in active addiction or not dealing with his emotional issues, than I will keep conversations to a basic level.
It took me a long time, but I got to a place where I stopped playing the victim role. I believe the end-stages of codependency are anger and bitterness. I lived in this place for a long time. Too long. Once I stopped trying to get my ALO to "see" all the pain and injustice he dumped upon me, my life became much more peaceful. There was a moment when I stopped blaming him for treating me like a doormat, and instead got up off the ground and stopped being one.
It was a deep understanding that I was powerless over him... and instead of trying to control his actions, his thoughts, his emotions, his remorse, his priorities, his morals... I just stopped. Trying to plead my case, like I was in a courtroom, was just me trying to control the outcomes. I had to learn that I just can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. When I stopped acting like the victim, I was able to find the strength I needed to be a survivor.
Dealing with your granddaughter and dealing with your daughter are two separate issues. Your granddaughter needs you; your daughter does not. You need to be the strongest, healthiest person you can to be there for your granddaughter. Going to what I call the "crazy place" and playing the "who hurt who more" game will do nothing for your recovery or that child. You will only be able to do what you need to do for your granddaughter by detaching from your daughter.
For me, the greatest wisdom in letting go is letting go of the expectations... not the person. Letting go of the expectations and the outcomes. Letting go of trying to make them see the light. Letting go of my need to feel justified and avenged. Getting up off the ground and stepping aside and living my life.
And you're right... There is absolutely no need for you to respond any further to those emails. There is no point. Take a deep breath... let go of your expectations of your daughter... and move forward with what you need to do for that child. (((hugs)))
I can hear your pain. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place.
The email exchange you had with your daughter sounds a lot like the fruitless, back-and-forth conversations I used to have with my ALO and XAH. It is impossible to try to reason with someone who is not in recovery, whether that's from addiction/alcoholism or unmanaged mental health issues. One of the boundaries I established for myself was that I would no longer attempt to engage in "heavy" discussion with anyone who was not in a healthy place. As long as my ALO is in active addiction or not dealing with his emotional issues, than I will keep conversations to a basic level.
It took me a long time, but I got to a place where I stopped playing the victim role. I believe the end-stages of codependency are anger and bitterness. I lived in this place for a long time. Too long. Once I stopped trying to get my ALO to "see" all the pain and injustice he dumped upon me, my life became much more peaceful. There was a moment when I stopped blaming him for treating me like a doormat, and instead got up off the ground and stopped being one.
It was a deep understanding that I was powerless over him... and instead of trying to control his actions, his thoughts, his emotions, his remorse, his priorities, his morals... I just stopped. Trying to plead my case, like I was in a courtroom, was just me trying to control the outcomes. I had to learn that I just can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. When I stopped acting like the victim, I was able to find the strength I needed to be a survivor.
Dealing with your granddaughter and dealing with your daughter are two separate issues. Your granddaughter needs you; your daughter does not. You need to be the strongest, healthiest person you can to be there for your granddaughter. Going to what I call the "crazy place" and playing the "who hurt who more" game will do nothing for your recovery or that child. You will only be able to do what you need to do for your granddaughter by detaching from your daughter.
For me, the greatest wisdom in letting go is letting go of the expectations... not the person. Letting go of the expectations and the outcomes. Letting go of trying to make them see the light. Letting go of my need to feel justified and avenged. Getting up off the ground and stepping aside and living my life.
And you're right... There is absolutely no need for you to respond any further to those emails. There is no point. Take a deep breath... let go of your expectations of your daughter... and move forward with what you need to do for that child. (((hugs)))
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thank you beingstill, I just needed to hear someone else say these words. I was thinking the same, but my head is a bit clouded from all the crazyness and I appreciate being so clear with me.
I will not play the victim, and just focus on having happy time with Lexy.
You should see how we decorated Lexy's room.!!!! It's like princess land. SHE LOVES it.
I will not play the victim, and just focus on having happy time with Lexy.
You should see how we decorated Lexy's room.!!!! It's like princess land. SHE LOVES it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
Little girls deserve to be princesses. 
They deserve safe places. Take all the wisdom you've learned through the years and through this program and pour it out onto that little girl. Think about the advice you'd give to someone else in your position. Do that. Any time your mind starts to drift to the drama with your daughter, get up and do something with Lexy. When you find yourself feeling lost and don't know what to do... do something for Lexy. Even if it's just sitting down and playing a board game. If you do right by Lexy, you'll stay on course.
It's about Lexy. It's not about the drama between you and your daughter. You need to let go and move forward. Fake it 'til you make it.
They deserve safe places. Take all the wisdom you've learned through the years and through this program and pour it out onto that little girl. Think about the advice you'd give to someone else in your position. Do that. Any time your mind starts to drift to the drama with your daughter, get up and do something with Lexy. When you find yourself feeling lost and don't know what to do... do something for Lexy. Even if it's just sitting down and playing a board game. If you do right by Lexy, you'll stay on course.It's about Lexy. It's not about the drama between you and your daughter. You need to let go and move forward. Fake it 'til you make it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by BeingStill 
Little girls deserve to be princesses. They deserve safe places. Take all the wisdom you've learned through the years and through this program and pour it out onto that little girl. Think about the advice you'd give to someone else in your position. Do that. Any time your mind starts to drift to the drama with your daughter, get up and do something with Lexy. When you find yourself feeling lost and don't know what to do... do something for Lexy. Even if it's just sitting down and playing a board game. If you do right by Lexy, you'll stay on course.
It's about Lexy. It's not about the drama between you and your daughter. You need to let go and move forward. Fake it 'til you make it.
They deserve safe places. Take all the wisdom you've learned through the years and through this program and pour it out onto that little girl. Think about the advice you'd give to someone else in your position. Do that. Any time your mind starts to drift to the drama with your daughter, get up and do something with Lexy. When you find yourself feeling lost and don't know what to do... do something for Lexy. Even if it's just sitting down and playing a board game. If you do right by Lexy, you'll stay on course.It's about Lexy. It's not about the drama between you and your daughter. You need to let go and move forward. Fake it 'til you make it.
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