bunkie65

I have spent 19 years carrying around love in my heart for someone that says im the love of their life and tells me not to give up hope on him but goes months without contacting his sons or me. Why can't I just stop caring and let go? I pray for god to take these feelings away and bring someone into my life. I left him 6 years ago and dated one guy and talked to a few and still feel the love for my ex as if it was 19 years ago? Clearly he does not really love me or even care when he goes months without contact. He is still in active crack addiction. He is a binger. When he has money he uses and during the rest of the time he drinks or smokes pot. I've told him how much I still care and yet if he is still using I will never tolerate it. That is why I left, hardest thing I have ever done. Leave someone I love. Why cant I stop caring? Why? How can I stop hoping? I do go to alnon and have for 8 years. I just can't seem to stop loving and hoping? Any suggestions on somethings I could do would be greatly appreciated. Feeling kinda foolish.

KelleyF

Hi Bunkie,*

I like your User Name.. It's cute!*

I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion that you are feeling. *And geez no, I don't think your foolish for what you are feeling.

My thought is that you don't have to stop caring for this man. *And you don't have to stop hoping that he finds recovery one day. *Because addicts do recover everyday; but they have to want it first.

From what you wrote, it appears that your ex is content to be in active addiction; and that you set a firm boundary: you wont accept to have him in your life if he is an active addict.

I think you just need to find a way to compartmentalize your feelings for him.*
Allow him a place in your heart: where you are safe to acknowledge that you care: but accept that it's ok to open up the rest of your heart to the possibility of life without him, and even new love.

I think you get there in part by acknowledging the hopes and dreams that you still have in regards to the future envisioned with him.

Think about why it hasn't happened; and then make the decision that you just can't wait for him to get his act together any longer...because the future you envision for YOURSELF can still exist; and there is just no time to waste in finding it.

Maybe ask yourself are you ready to stop waiting?*
(you don't have to answer that here - just think about it).

If you decide that your ready to stop waiting.... Then give*yourself some time to mourn the loss of those dreams, and then begin to refocus your thoughts on how you want your life to be, and what kind of man you want to share it with.*

The rest I think is just a leap of faith....

And trial*and error dating....until you find someone new; someone that will deserve his own special place in your heart and life.*

I know you said you have been in alnon. have you ever thought about a therapist to help you work through these feelings?*

TMZ

I don't think we ever really stop caring, but I have stopped showing the A that I care.

When we let go and let god do his work miracles happen.

Be well,

bunkie65

Thanks for the feedback. I just needed to hear some other prospectives besides my own. I know I will always care about him and hold hope close to my heart that he find recovery. I think the reality of what we once had and that he still cares like he once did is what im coming to terms with, that he does not. I wanted to believe we had something special and for me it is, however his years of abuse have changed him and the decade of numbing himself with drugs even if he does he is not aware and my never get in touch with how he feels. I think I used the he can't really show me he loves me because he is in active addiction to justify his lack of involvement. I feel like im starting to reallly accept and mourn the loss of what I so desperately hoped for, us being a family again. He was my best friend and has so many great qualities. Addiction sucks.

Kindeyes

I can't stop caring for the addict in my life. I love him and that love is unshakable. I can't turn it off. He is my son.

But I also know that he is very toxic for me and I am very toxic for him. It is my love for him that cripples us both.

As long as he is using drugs and is so spiritually and morally bankrupt, being around him puts my life at risk.....literally.

I must love him from a distance. I pray for him daily. I ask God to deliver my love to him. I can't think of a better messenger.

There is no reason to stop loving an addict. But there are often many good reasons not to stay with them or maintain any kind of relationship with them.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

While caring and hoping are normal reactions, like all reactions , they can be used to tie us to the past instead of moving on with our lives.

Saying "you are the love of my life" is manipulation unless the speaker's actions demonstrates it. On the practical front, do you have court-ordered child support in place? Does this man make a meaningful financial contribution to the welfare of his sons or does his money go to alcohol, pot and crack?

Professional grief counseling could help.
.

bunkie65

Thanks again for your thoughts and support. He does not complete me and I know how to be thankful and greatful for my life and satisfied. I want to grow old with someone and the person I still love I can not be with him. Yes to a certain degree I feel love is a choice and yet again I don't. He is my first love and the father of my children I suppose I will always feel connected to him for that reason for sure. My sons are getting older and I hope im able to find a companion to spend my older years with, some to love and that loves me. Yes he did pay child support for the last few years but then his unemployment just ran out so now I get nothing. He is manipulative and selfish he's an active addict. Im torn at times as to what is right and am I just living in la la land that he cares still. I read and try to u derstand what addicts do in active addiction and im just trying to sort out if im confusing what's real with what's not. Searching my soul and trying to understand a sickness that I will never understand. Keep me and him terry in your prayers please and thank you. Maybe my recent thoughts of him dieing from this have brought about a new set of feelings and an awareness I did not give much thought until just recently. Prayers for all too. I know God will guide me and take care of me he has for 46 years...

KelleyF

Bunkie,

Just wanted to share my own personal opinion based on what I've learned from my BF's experience when he was in active addiction.

He wasn't married nor did he have children at the time: but he still walked away from his family to pursue the drug lifestyle. *He loved his family, and was very close to his dad; even working with him.
However the pull of the drugs kept him away from them for almost 2 years. He knew that the way he was at that time was unacceptable (even to himself) and so he just stayed away.

I think addicts are capable of feeling love, and for most I think their professions of love are genuine.
They are just caught in this trap of addiction and so they cant really give their love in a healthy way.

I will keep you and Terry in prayers.*
Wishing the best for both of you and your kids.*