japalmer

I am new here and I am happy to have found this place. I do go to Al-Anon but have a very busy work schedule and it's hard to get to them sometimes.

My son was in a 30 day inpatient program recently and is now living in a sober house. Occasionally he asks for money to help him with gas, food, or to pay his rent at the house. He's been sober for 80 days now. Is it enabling if I help him with his rent or food for a few days a month or do I need to say no?

I want to support his recovery but sometimes I don't know if I'm enabling or supporting.

I am a recovering co-dependent so I have to be extra careful with my decisions.

December2011

Hello, happy you found this place too.

Do you think he is doing everything he can to make ends meet? How old is he?
Does he have a a job?

I do not know much about sober living, but I thought they were supposed to work to live there. I also thought rent was cheap. I am no expert at what to do when your kid is in sober living.

But I do think, he may not be budgeting his own money as he should. This is something he needs to learn as an adult. I know for myself as an adult, that there is virtually no one I can call to have them pay for any shortage on rent food or bills. I think it is likely, if you do not put and end to it soon, he will not learn this principle.

I know in my son's case I was paying for part of his methadone treatment each week-among other things, but found out that he was spending money from his job on going out and having fun, Newport cigs (7 bucks a pack), and had rented an Xbox from rent a center- and who knows what else.

I know how I felt- like I had to help, because his "recovery" depended on it, and it is hard to say no when you feel they are fragile. My enabling continued after he went into treatment. I even excused the Xbox rental, by telling myself that if he had videos games, maybe he would be less likely to shoot up.

I recall that there is one dear woman in here that worked her own recovery as a single mom with no help at all, and has stayed sober. She was so greatfull for that experience.

More questions. When he calls, do you feel that anxious "oh man, he is going to ask me for a favor again"? Does he say... "mom this is the last time?" And, does he become rude, lays guilt trips, and becomes irritable when you say no?

After I cut my son off financially, he ate pretty good at the soup kitchen and the food bank (true story).

I wanted to add that I am happy for you and your son that he has 80 days sober!!!! My thoughts are with you. I hope the best and hope this post was some what helpful.

outtolunch

Do not do for others what they can do for themselves is solid stuff and has nothing to do with addiction.

Responsible adults work a full time job and/or multiple part time jobs to make ends meet.

Perpetual adult children seek handouts instead of taking responsibility for themselves. This has nothing to do with addiction and all to do with maturity.

learningnew

I have learned that if you let people go through difficult situations on their own (and don't jump in to save them) they learn eventually how to make it work and will have more respect and belief in themselves. That often works out in the best interest of both people involved.

JMFburns

japalmer,

All being said in our own opinions and you are free to do what you feel comfortable doing in the end.

Another Mom of a recovering AS here. Keep up the good recovery work on yourself.

BeavsDad

We told our son we would support him any way we can if he chooses active recovery. The line between support and enabling is very blurry when you're standing on it. I imagine it clears up as the years go by...
He did 4 months in an SLE last year and now lives with a sober couple. We lent him the first months rent and fees. We included him on grocery shopping trips for a month or 2. We didn't give him cash. We still pick up some of his favorite snacks now and then. He doesn't ask, we do it because we love him.
He's been paying us back steadily.
Just try to use your best judgement armed with what you've learned here.

japalmer

Thank you everyone for your insight. It is helpful. I want to support his recovery and help him keep with it but I don't want to enable him. He is very immature and irresponsible. I really probably need to cut him off but my heart hurts so much. Just seeing him now pains me because I want to help him and I want to make it better. I need to find some support but my work schedule doesn't allow me much flexibility. Today I'm going to try the co-dependents anonymous phone meeting. We'll see how that goes.

dollydo

Throwing money at him is not the answer. He needs to learn how to become a responsible adult, work, manage his money, this is for his benefit, giving him money is counterproductive. What are your bounderies with him?

Are you attending Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest that you consider doing both.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, keep posting, it will help.