onlyliveonce

I absolutely LOVE these posts!!!! Good reminder for me of how far I've come

Ann

Great thread, Pacific Sunrise.

I don't miss sleeping with my purse under my pillow.

itsanewday2011

I LOVE THIS and it comes at a time when I need a little healing. I won't miss:

1. Hearing how he is getting "manic" again from his bipolar when really I now know he was high on coke.
2. Worrying about if he is going to have "too much to drink" if we go out with friends.
3. Being checked up on when I would go to dinner with friends (which only happened about 4x/year).
4. Being called every 15 minutes at above nights w/ friends because he wants me to come home because he needs me to help with our child.
5. Trying to reach him when he is out with friends and him never answering the phone - wondering what he is up to.
6. Coming home from work and realizing he has been home watching tv/porn/or probably doing drugs (just found out how much use he had during marriage).
7. Him claiming to go on a "business trip" and not being able to reach him via phone all night and not know where he is staying.
8. Him lying about an out of town college football game being a "boys weekend" when in reality it was a few days away for binge drug use.
9. Having my parents as "mules" to drive the drugs in a golf bag to said game while he flies in a plane to get there - found this out while he was in rehab.
10. Him doing coke the night we found out we were pregnant - I guess the high of having a baby wasn't "high" enough.
11. Asking him to do a drug test the following morning and somehow faking that the results were "clean".
12. Calling 911 after he is back from a 3 day disappearance and realizing he has taking to much of his bipolar medicine to come off the high.
13. Finding porn website subscriptions on his bills.
14. Wondering why all of his bills are sent to his office instead of home.
15. Finding porn movies on our cable bills that had been rented in the middle of the day on a work day.
16. Not coming home after a college football game and realizing he had come home early to stay in a hotel and use.
17. Finding out 2 1/2 years later he rented a private jet to get home early to hook up with his drug dealer for said "hotel use binge".
18. Him pushing through to the closet as if it was more important for him to get dressed first before me.
19. Him acting like he was entitled to everything he had when in fact most of it was handed to him by his codependent family.
20. How I feel like he brought out the worst in me.

I do know now that I do have the most beautiful, precious daughter in the world by being with my ex. And, I did love him. It is all so sad that our once beautiful relationship was shattered by drugs, but now I can move to healing and hopefully demonstrate to our daughter what she deserves in life.

Seren

I don't miss:

• Abject fear that my stepson high on crack will actually kill one of us.
• Watching one of his "jacked up" performances--trying to pretend he's not jonesing so badly his head is about to explode.
• Having to be asked for $2 for an "ice cream sandwich".
• Being called either a 'naive s***-kicker' or a 'gold-digging trophy wife'.

Pictures of this young man as a child show the sweetest, most beautiful little boy. I wish I had known him then, I hope that he will someday have peace and joy again.

Kindeyes

I don't miss being in a constant state of anxiety and the long list of stuff that goes along with it.

gentle hugs
ke

faithfully

Thank you everyone for your lists, I could make a list out of everyone's list, by just copying and pasting items into my list. it is amazing how similar our experiences are, the one that sticks out is hiding purse, car keys in my pillow at night. What stands out to me also is the abuse, the physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse many of us have suffered. yes the addict suffers and yes we feel for the addict but why do we love the addict it seems more than ourselves? Is it a lack of self esteem and do we have that before the relationship or because of our involvement in the relationship? I have been living away from my addict for a year now, and I cannot believe that I have been entertaining the idea of living with him again, and yes, even as I write this, I think I am still entertaining the idea, that somehow it will be different this time. yet he is still in active addiction, how would it be different? Being treated this way is simply NOT acceptable to any of you, I can very easily say to you all DO NOT ACCEPT THIS ABUSE IN YOUR LIVES!! why then why should it be different and acceptable for me? Today I ask God to please guide me in the right way to behave with my addict, I pray for all of our healing, no matter how much I feel for and love my addict, I do not think He intends for me to accept abuse into my life again. Please God show me the right way to live. Amen.

Farfalla

Thank you for posting this thread. I am finding this to be a helpful tool today and especially tomorrow as tomorrow is my wedding anniversary and I am not with my AH. I began working on my list of what I do not miss and I am up to four pages and still working. I will pull out my list everytime I feel sad over the next 24 to 48 hours and read where I was and reflect on where I am now. Thank you all for sharing.
Hugs!

FindingJoy

The "average" size comment kills me... I had to constantly reassure my RXAB that he was more than average when that was very untrue.
Unlike him, I would never throw an abuse insult like that to him

THINGS IM RELEAVED OF NOW:

Lying
Cunning and baffling manipulation
Everyone saying what "a great guy" he us and "he loves you so much"
All the while I couldn't have felt loved less
Me believing his words that it's my fault
Sleepless nights
Screaming fights about nothing
Dimming my light to help him shine
Minimizing my accomplishments so he wouldn't feel so bad about himself
Him picking his skin off until it bleeds
Physical intimidation
Same story and same cycle over and over again
Victim mentality
Childish lash outs
Temper tantrums
Apology gifts (I have many)
His sleep apena
Him thinking dinner and a movie meant everything's ok now
Anxiety since I never knew what was going to happen

JEEZ why the hell did I get so stuck on him I could keep going on and on with thus list. WHAT A GREAT EXERCISE!!!! THANK YOU for this thread.

pacificsunrise

thank you all so much for adding your lists. it is amazing to see all the common things in so many of our experiences.

faithfully,

thank you for this. i often feel the same way. i am still working on myself a whole lot and am still "catching" myself thinking that it still somehow might work out. i cannot figure out why is it so diffucult to let it go.

i also forgot a bunch stuff when i wrote my first list and i read it in others' posts:

- constant lying

- never being sure of myself and doubting myself about even the trivial matters

- anxiety

- going through hope and disappointment over and over and over every time he would "try" to quit

it still amazes me how it was so easy for me to accept all these things as normal, even when they were something i never thought of doing or accepting before. and all of this in exchange for him just being there. for just having someone by my side. how sad. so glad i'm working on my own recovery. glad to finally realize that i am just fine, just as i am, and even if i have to be alone for a while that it is ok. such relief.

thank you all for sharing your stories. love and hugs.

GoldfishSyn

Windmills, this is so me!! I relate to a lot of these posts, only I'm still sleeping with my wallet and keys inside my pillowcase. Ugh, this was a needed wake up call for me. What a ridiculous way to live!

GoldfishSyn

And what is it with the humiliation? Is that connected with the sociopath behavior? Sometimes I swear my AH has absolutely no discretion.

Windmills

For me I believe it was a way to stop me going out, and an attempt to turn people against me. He did it when I wasn't there too, he used to tell some horrendous lies about me. If I had noone, I was more likely to stay with him. Head worker.

blackandblue

To error is to be human. All of the things that were done "to me" or "inspite of me" repeatedly are things I repeatedly volunteered for with numerous red flags of which many I have forgiven and accepted as reality, however, I will not excuse or forget any of the abuse. No recovery = No relationship.

#1 thing I do not miss about my EX drug addict boyfriend is the CRUELTY

#1 thing/s I do miss, fill in the blank, I can find elsewhere and is not worth the cruelty

Doingfine

Dont miss being called a fat pig

Raged at in public

His messed up cop family

His rye breath

His empty apologies

His jaw muscles flexing as he became more angry

His crack smoking friend

His wino mother

His psycho brother

His trips out for the night or weekend binges.

That is all

Thank you

P.s. I could also make a list about myself lol

Vale

I don't miss anything.

It all sucked---every last miserable bit.
And now my 2 1/2 year interaction with
her is fast receeding in my rearview mirror.

Will I always be sad that she exchanged a home,
/family/husband/future for that devil oxy,
a dope den,and a hard-time violent ex-con?

Nope.That's her job.I didn't cause it,I never WANTED
to control it,and I can't cure it.

Vale

EXCELLENT THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!


(No one who is sane would miss any part
of this life-sucking morass called addiction)

......(but!)

the one thing I truly won't miss is the ABJECT CRUELTY
of not letting someone who cares about them know if they
are alive or not! For weeks/months on end.

I can honestly say I don't even scan the obits for her name
like I did for the longest time......why should I care if her life
turns to roadkill?

Her life,her decisions....not my problem.

simian66

Gee what crap we get ourselves into. These lists are proving really helpful to me right now. I need a good wake up call. I'll come back with some of my own as soon as I unravel this mess. Thanks all!