Crash and Burn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Hello, my dear friends and supporters. I'm kind of embarrassed to report back on how the 72 hours with my AS "recovering" at my house went. In summary, not well. In typical codie fashion, I focused my attention on him over the weekend, avoiding my own friends (who I would otherwise have gone out with) and not doing work that I should have gotten done. Nevertheless, I did leave the house from time to time, and when I did, he apparently used. For the most part, I learned this after the fact, on Monday morning when he was supposed to be drug tested to return to the SLE. Apparently, when he first came to my house on Thursday night, he still had a pack of heroin with him, unbeknownst to me. We talked until about 12:30 a.m., rehashing what had happened, discussing "what did you learn" about what to avoid, things to do differently to avoid relapse. And the whole time, he had this pack that he didn't tell me about. And when I went to bed close to 1:00 a.m., he used it. I had to go to work Friday night, and while I was gone, he used again - got money from a girl he's seeing to do so. And Sunday night was a fiasco - he let someone borrow his car to use it to go get heroin for herself. He said he let her have the car so HE wouldn't use any (as you can imagine, my reaction to this revelation was not positive - I reminded him that he CAN'T BE IN CONTACT WITH PEOPLE LIKE THIS). She didn't return the car until 2:00 a.m., and I couldn't sleep with all this nonsense going on. What I didn't know until Monday is that she returned with heroin for him, which he used at about 4:00 a.m.
We had planned to see an addiction doctor on Monday morning to see about getting him Suboxone, since he obviously can't do this on his own. He was still under the influence at that point. Despite all this, the SLE Director said that IF my AS was on Suboxone and IF the doctor talked directly to the SLE Director and made him comfortable with what was going on, my AS could detox at the recovery house. So that afternoon, after running around to fill the prescription and take care of a few other things, I stood over my AS as he packed up his things and left my house. He went to an "all-house" SLE meeting, was given the green light to move back into the house, and took all his stuff over there. And then LEFT the house! Curfew at the house is 10:00 p.m., and apparently my AS went to a friend's house (last seen by him a few days earlier packing a pot pipe) to hang out for awhile. When my AS had last visited this kid, he told me afterwards that he had been packing a pipe, and my AS was proud that he didn't use - just left. My response was, "You have to stay away from people like that. Even though you didn't use, it must have triggered you, made you WANT to, right?" He agreed that it had done so. Despite that, on Monday evening, he RETURNED to this guy's house! And then he called me at 10:30 p.m. to tell me that he'd been thrown out of the SLE again, this time because the other residents thought he "looked high." No drug test, but he "looked high," and the SLE Director concurred with the decision of the residents. My AS denied that he was high, and was very upset, didn't know where to go. And here is where you all will be proud of me, I think -- I told him he COULDN'T COME TO MY HOUSE!! Despite that, he did physically stop by - to look pathetic and try to convince me to change my mind. I didn't. He left after a few minutes, then sent me a text saying "This really hurts me." I told him I was going to bed, and good night. Haven't heard from him since.
What a nightmare! I really don't know what is going on in his head. He knows what is going to happen if he doesn't get back on track. I've thrown him out before, so he has to know that I will abandon him again. I told him not to contact me until he is back on track and in the SLE.
Does he want recovery, but not enough? Or is ALL this a game to prolong his using? In addition to all of the above, he did go to two NA meetings this weekend, and secured a temporary sponsor at one of them. I overheard him talking to the sponsor Sunday afternoon. He also received a job offer from one of the many applications he submitted last week. Unfortunately, it is at a BAR, which can't be good. Alcohol has never been his DOC, but it can't be good for his recovery to watch other people getting "high" on alcohol. The job is as a dishwasher, and he is dead-set on taking it because he wants to be making money so badly.
So needless to say, I'm not happy. And as an aside, his birthday is this weekend. I had told him I would spring for him and a couple of his "recovery-supportive" friends to go rock climbing at a local climbing place because he was so concerned about how he could have a decent birthday without drugs or alcohol. I haven't made any plans for that at this point - probably won't.
One last point -- he thinks my reaction is SO UNFAIR. He says, "You keep focusing on the negative. Sure, I made some mistakes this weekend, but I also went to meetings, got a sponsor, and got a job. I'm trying to change my behavior and being HONEST with you about what I did, and you're punishing me for it. You're teaching me that I can't be honest with you."
Sorry for the LONG post, but I felt the need to put it all out there!
We had planned to see an addiction doctor on Monday morning to see about getting him Suboxone, since he obviously can't do this on his own. He was still under the influence at that point. Despite all this, the SLE Director said that IF my AS was on Suboxone and IF the doctor talked directly to the SLE Director and made him comfortable with what was going on, my AS could detox at the recovery house. So that afternoon, after running around to fill the prescription and take care of a few other things, I stood over my AS as he packed up his things and left my house. He went to an "all-house" SLE meeting, was given the green light to move back into the house, and took all his stuff over there. And then LEFT the house! Curfew at the house is 10:00 p.m., and apparently my AS went to a friend's house (last seen by him a few days earlier packing a pot pipe) to hang out for awhile. When my AS had last visited this kid, he told me afterwards that he had been packing a pipe, and my AS was proud that he didn't use - just left. My response was, "You have to stay away from people like that. Even though you didn't use, it must have triggered you, made you WANT to, right?" He agreed that it had done so. Despite that, on Monday evening, he RETURNED to this guy's house! And then he called me at 10:30 p.m. to tell me that he'd been thrown out of the SLE again, this time because the other residents thought he "looked high." No drug test, but he "looked high," and the SLE Director concurred with the decision of the residents. My AS denied that he was high, and was very upset, didn't know where to go. And here is where you all will be proud of me, I think -- I told him he COULDN'T COME TO MY HOUSE!! Despite that, he did physically stop by - to look pathetic and try to convince me to change my mind. I didn't. He left after a few minutes, then sent me a text saying "This really hurts me." I told him I was going to bed, and good night. Haven't heard from him since.
What a nightmare! I really don't know what is going on in his head. He knows what is going to happen if he doesn't get back on track. I've thrown him out before, so he has to know that I will abandon him again. I told him not to contact me until he is back on track and in the SLE.
Does he want recovery, but not enough? Or is ALL this a game to prolong his using? In addition to all of the above, he did go to two NA meetings this weekend, and secured a temporary sponsor at one of them. I overheard him talking to the sponsor Sunday afternoon. He also received a job offer from one of the many applications he submitted last week. Unfortunately, it is at a BAR, which can't be good. Alcohol has never been his DOC, but it can't be good for his recovery to watch other people getting "high" on alcohol. The job is as a dishwasher, and he is dead-set on taking it because he wants to be making money so badly.
So needless to say, I'm not happy. And as an aside, his birthday is this weekend. I had told him I would spring for him and a couple of his "recovery-supportive" friends to go rock climbing at a local climbing place because he was so concerned about how he could have a decent birthday without drugs or alcohol. I haven't made any plans for that at this point - probably won't.
One last point -- he thinks my reaction is SO UNFAIR. He says, "You keep focusing on the negative. Sure, I made some mistakes this weekend, but I also went to meetings, got a sponsor, and got a job. I'm trying to change my behavior and being HONEST with you about what I did, and you're punishing me for it. You're teaching me that I can't be honest with you."
Sorry for the LONG post, but I felt the need to put it all out there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
I did the same many times and understand the hope and love behind your actions.
It's the hardest and also the most wearing problem I've yet encountered in life. It goes against the grain to allow them the great suffering and pain that can sometimes make a difference. It was much like watching someone you love drowning and staying put-not lifting a finger, knowing that often they do not begin to swim on their own but do drown instead, and they also cannot understand why at the time you are not saving them.
Bad package and dark times overall.
My son was one who began swimming, but it could have gone either way.
It's the hardest and also the most wearing problem I've yet encountered in life. It goes against the grain to allow them the great suffering and pain that can sometimes make a difference. It was much like watching someone you love drowning and staying put-not lifting a finger, knowing that often they do not begin to swim on their own but do drown instead, and they also cannot understand why at the time you are not saving them.
Bad package and dark times overall.
My son was one who began swimming, but it could have gone either way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
Do not be embarrassed, we love and we do what we can. It is so hard. I think each of us were given the weight we carry for some reason, though we do not know why. I struggle daily with how I deal with my emotions, reactions and thoughts for my son.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by SeekingGrowth 
He knows what is going to happen if he doesn't get back on track. I've thrown him out before, so he has to know that I will abandon him again.
Reminding him not to associate with druggies, not to work at a bar because of the proximity to drunks, hauling him to Mds and intervening on his behalf at the SLE and arranging a birthday event are all controlling behaviors.
Is the car paid for or is someone making the payments for him? Given he's unemployed, who pays for the car insurance and phone?
Given his birthday is right around the corner, could you consider giving him the gift of dignity to figure this out on his own? Until he experiences the consequences of his choices, there is no hope he's ever going to consider alternatives.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
SeekingGrowth - I swear we are living parallel lives!! The only difference is that I've been dancing this dance a couple of years longer than you have and my 21 yr AS is living in an SLE 180 miles from here. And he knows for a fact that he is not able to live with me or his father (my ex).
My AS strung together 10 or 12 clean days and then used. Got kicked out of the SLE, then given one more chance, then got kicked out again. He scammed me for a couple hundred dollars for "the deposit on another SLE" but turns out he's living with some other users (which I found out from the previous house manager). I found out all this stuff yesterday and told him to just stop calling me. Of course he did continue to call and text... telling me all the right stuff. Says he doesn't want to blow this, is calling his sponsor and working hard to get back on track...BLAH BLAH BLAH....QUACK QUACK QUACK. I have not responded to his calls or texts in any way, nor do I plan to. Oh, and I also told him that the offer of treatment is off the table.
When he was doing so good in the SLE for those couple of weeks, I let my guard down. I was full of encouragement, love and compassion and he felt the safety net under him once again. Maybe that contributed to his relapse, I dunno. I do know that he HATES the constant struggle to find money and constant sickness that comes with his habit. It is this suffering that motivates him to quit... NOT mommy's love, encouragement, and compassion. As hard as it is for me to think of him suffering, that is exactly what he will have to do to get clean once and for all. I just pray he will do it before he overdoses.
We are truly walking together on this path, my friend. Stay in touch. PM me anytime.
My AS strung together 10 or 12 clean days and then used. Got kicked out of the SLE, then given one more chance, then got kicked out again. He scammed me for a couple hundred dollars for "the deposit on another SLE" but turns out he's living with some other users (which I found out from the previous house manager). I found out all this stuff yesterday and told him to just stop calling me. Of course he did continue to call and text... telling me all the right stuff. Says he doesn't want to blow this, is calling his sponsor and working hard to get back on track...BLAH BLAH BLAH....QUACK QUACK QUACK. I have not responded to his calls or texts in any way, nor do I plan to. Oh, and I also told him that the offer of treatment is off the table.
When he was doing so good in the SLE for those couple of weeks, I let my guard down. I was full of encouragement, love and compassion and he felt the safety net under him once again. Maybe that contributed to his relapse, I dunno. I do know that he HATES the constant struggle to find money and constant sickness that comes with his habit. It is this suffering that motivates him to quit... NOT mommy's love, encouragement, and compassion. As hard as it is for me to think of him suffering, that is exactly what he will have to do to get clean once and for all. I just pray he will do it before he overdoses.
We are truly walking together on this path, my friend. Stay in touch. PM me anytime.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm sorry that things didn't go well. I've allowed my son back into my home so many times that it's quite ridiculous....thinking that "this time will be different" and it never is. My son knows just the things to say to push my buttons to cause me to feel fear, obligation or guilt. Now that I understand that these three things keep my mind in a fog, I am better equipped to handle it.
It's been very hard to let go and let God. You and your son will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
It's been very hard to let go and let God. You and your son will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been around this same "block" many times with my AS.
He would say the same things, I'm going to a meeting, I'm talking to a sponsor, I'm applying for jobs, etc., etc., etc. and I would be hopeful, encouraged, supporting, etc., etc., etc. But it was all crap . . . it was just words that got me to do what he wanted me to do. It is better to not hear the words - no contact - then you aren't persuaded to be "loving Mom" to a drug addict, not your child, a DRUG ADDICT, who will say or do whatever they have to - lie directly to you.
The ONLY voice you can listen to, the ONLY person to be concerned about right now is YOU. Take care of yourself.
He would say the same things, I'm going to a meeting, I'm talking to a sponsor, I'm applying for jobs, etc., etc., etc. and I would be hopeful, encouraged, supporting, etc., etc., etc. But it was all crap . . . it was just words that got me to do what he wanted me to do. It is better to not hear the words - no contact - then you aren't persuaded to be "loving Mom" to a drug addict, not your child, a DRUG ADDICT, who will say or do whatever they have to - lie directly to you.
The ONLY voice you can listen to, the ONLY person to be concerned about right now is YOU. Take care of yourself.
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