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Crash and Burn

Old 03-30-2012, 09:15 AM
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Crash and Burn

So much for the "pink cloud." I received a phone call last night at about 8:30 from the SLE Director telling me that he had just told my AS to leave. Apparently, he and another member of the house had been caught using. While I was on the phone with this guy, my AS was desperately trying to reach me. The Director has a practice of allowing one "slip" and letting them back in after 72 hours if they test clean. So that's what he's done here. He told my AS he could come back if he tests clean on Monday. Mind you, my AS has only been in the SLE and out of rehab since Tuesday evening - so he made it LESS THAN 48 hours before he used. My position has been that my AS is NOT coming back to my house, period. BUT I was concerned that since he really, truly has nowhere to go, he would end up on the couch of a fellow junkie who is not even attempting recovery, and at that point, all will be lost. My AS would NEVER be able to withstand temptation under those circumstances. So I discussed with the Director letting my AS stay at my house AGAIN until Monday, and if he tests clean, he will go back to the SLE. If he tests dirty, he is out of both my house AND the SLE.

I'm not really comfortable with my decision, but neither option (my house for three days or on the streets) is a good one.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:24 AM
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Seeking Growth,

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:29 AM
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I'm so sorry SeekingGrowth....I always feel especially sad when I read a post like this by a mom..... I can't begin to imagine how your heart must hurt.
Sending a prayer out for your son and you.

--Kel
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:32 AM
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I understand your fear of him using again by staying with someone else not in recovery, and the position you found yourself in.

I can honestly say that when I took my AD in eight years ago, I was not comfortable with that decision, and the resulting insanity that erupted in my home made it painfully clear that my gut instincts were correct, and I had ignored them.

With 8 more years of recovery under my belt, I was comfortable with the decision to let AD in once again. Her move-out date is May 1st, and job or no job, housing or no housing set up, she will be out of my house.

Sending you hugs of support during this difficult time!
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:55 AM
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I'm so sorry, that is a tough place to be in.
I think letting him stay for 72 hours in your house and then he's out whether he's clean or sober is probably the best decision.
This just goes to show that the addict will not accept treatment or recovery until they are ready.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:58 AM
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Hugs going out to you, Seeking. I understand where you are coming from and I sure can't tell you that under the circumstances, I wouldn't do the same thing. I am sure I would. Have you spoken to AS yet? Do you believe it was just a slip? Does he feel horrible about it? What is your gut telling you? Go with your gut.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:20 AM
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I am so sorry I have followed your (son's) story as we are kinda from the same area, close to age sons and both had been at Brighton. I will pray for both of you today.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:22 AM
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I think your son's attitude over the next 3 days while he is staying with you will say a lot.

thoughts and prayers
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:52 AM
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SeekingGrowth, both you and your son are in my prayers this weekend.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:42 AM
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You and your dear son are in my prayers.
gentle hugs from another mom
ke
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Old 03-30-2012, 02:27 PM
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I hope your son realizes the gift he's been given--a nice roof over his head and another chance. Time will tell.
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Old 03-30-2012, 02:53 PM
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You know...I feel for you. I can't imagine what it's like to have a sick child. Do what you think is right. I'm pulling for you, and both you and your son are in my prayers.

God Bless,
ZoSo
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Old 03-30-2012, 04:34 PM
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Sorry to hear this. I'll be sending good vibes your way over the next few days. I hope he makes good choices.
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Old 03-30-2012, 06:50 PM
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It's obvious to the most causal observer that neither of you is done yet. I say this as someone who has been there and done what you are doing, too many times.

Why worry about the fellow junkie with the couch when your son made the decision to use again, while under the SLE roof and did so despite the consequences.

Once busted, he immediately called in his rescue team to prevent him from experiencing the consequences.

I say this as the mother who used a rope to tie my daughter to me to prevent her from stealing more stuff and /or running out the door for her next fix. I understand your need to do something at the exact moment in time when it's probably better to do nothing.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:38 PM
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it's so hard to witness

the rescue team that is...

I realized after being with my ex for two years that he actually used recovery as his rescue team...to manage his using/consequences! (there are lots and lots of resources here in mpls...lots and lots of SLEs) I heard the phrase here on SR the "stable of enablers" wow...that one was hard to hear, because of the truth in it.

It doesn't have to be a conscious malicious act to be true...it is a truth in addiction.
Maybe soft landings mean less than hard attempts at recovery.

Keep learning!
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Old 03-31-2012, 12:05 AM
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"So I discussed with the Director letting my AS stay at my house AGAIN until Monday, and if he tests clean, he will go back to the SLE. If he tests dirty, he is out of both my house AND the SLE."

This is great...you have a plan. Make sure it is shared and clear and then execute according to your plan.

It seems to me you have established clear boundries....do what you need to and get the support you need to stick to your plan!

Hugs and Support,
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:14 AM
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"My position has been that my AS is NOT coming back to my house."

This was the original boundary, correct?
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:31 AM
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Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments. It's so helpful to hear from all of you. Outtolunch and Lesliej, you two hit the nail on the head in identifying the cause of my discomfort with my decision. You are absolutely right in saying that my decision to let him stay with me for the 72 hours that he is out of the SLE rescued him from the consequences of his actions. Not only did I rescue him, I REWARDED him, because staying with me is a WHOLE LOT more comfortable than staying at the SLE. Here, he gets a more comfortable bed, home-cooked meals (as a 19-year-old boy, he's not doing much cooking at the SLE), a television to watch without having to argue over which program, peace and quiet.

At the same time, I'm not sure that my decision was a mistake. I still think that had I not taken him in for these few days, he would have felt compelled to stay with the only people who will have him right now -- other active users - and he would not have been able to resist continuing to use. Which would have meant that he couldn't go back to the SLE at all, further spiraling down, and finally, at some point, a return to inpatient detox and rehab (which I doubt insurance would cover for the third time in two months). He has no gas in his car, no money and no job, and I'm not putting gas in his car, so he is essentially house-bound. I'm not allowing friends over, and he and I have been doing A LOT of talking. He has also been in daily communication with the SLE Director and we are going to an open NA meeting today. None of that would be happening if I hadn't taken him in for these few days. Now, he's not in prison. He has a bicycle here and he can come and go with it. Yesterday, he rode his bike to a local produce market to fill out a job application. For the most part, though, he has stuck to the house.

He may crash and burn anyway. He may use today or tomorrow and still be prohibited from returning to the SLE, in which case he will once again be homeless on Monday. But I think this result was pretty much a sure thing if I hadn't let him stay with me these three days. Less of a sure thing because I did let him stay. Maybe. Or maybe not. Ok, I admit it ... I don't really know what I'm talking about!
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:36 AM
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SeekingGrowth, I understand everything you are saying, you are still a very caring Mom with feelings and love. You have to do what is best for You and I think you are.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:44 AM
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Every decision I make these days in done in 'good conscience'. It isn't about what makes me feel emotionally comfortable at the moment, it's about what I can spiritually live with for the rest of my life.
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