OCHalo

Can you give me your thoughts on should I have any type contact with him at all, if so, what kind?

facebook, texting, calling?


thank you again for all the continued support and responses!

Ann

When my son had to leave, it helped me to allow him to call once a day or so, because his calls were respectful, didn't push my guilt button, and he didn't ask for anything...most of the time. If a call upset me, I cut it short, but most days it worked okay for both of us. Usually he called in the morning or at night, mostly to let me know he was still alive. I didn't press for details beyond that.

I am sorry you are going through this, it's very hard and hurts our heart. I just reminded myself often that my son needed to find his own way, learn his own lessons, and feel his own consequences for using drugs. That helped me let go.

Also, I prayed a lot, still do.

Hugs

Kindeyes

That is such a personal decision.

I have concluded that for my serenity, I can't have contact with my son. He is a master manipulator and I am his codependent. We are a toxic combination. And our toxicity pollutes everyone around us. But that's us. That is our dynamic. If he gets to talk to me, I know the manipulation begins.....and he's very good at it......and it tears me up.

We've been at this for a very long time. He started using when he was around 15 and he's now 30. Will I be NC with him forever? I don't think like that. I can't predict the future. But I know that as long as he is actively using and not in active recovery, I can't see him and I can't talk with him. It doesn't turn out good for either of us. I take it one day at a time.

We each have to make our own decision what is right for us. Loving my son from a distance is best for him, for me, and for the others I love.

You are in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

SeekingGrowth

If I were in your position, I wouldn't go no contact right away. I also wouldn't reach out to him at all. If there is any "reaching out" going on, I would let him do the reaching out to you. At the same time, I wouldn't tolerate abuse, and if the communications are too gut-wrenching with no indication that he wants to stop using, I would cut those off, too. See how it goes before you institute the "no contact" rule.

In my case, I threw my AS out on a Sunday and heard nothing from him until Wednesday night of the same week. We had a lengthy text message exchange that night during which he communicated how miserable he was, no place to live, friends had abandoned him. He said he "couldn't stop thinking about suicide." I suggested that he should think about recovery instead, and pointed out that this is what addiction does -- creates loss, grief, misery. I also told him that I couldn't have him live with me if he was using because I couldn't stand the stress, and the "dark, sordid, unhealthy, negative" feelings permeating my entire home as a result of his active addiction. I told him that I was in recovery mode myself now, and was regaining a positive, healthy feeling in my home environment. To which he sarcastically responded "Thanks a lot."

The next day, he texted me regarding insurance coverage for a rehab facility, and the day after that, he checked himself into it. He gets out tomorrow and has already arranged for an SLE. So far, so good.

If I had gone no contact, I don't know if the rehab thing would have happened so quickly, or at all. In my son's situation, the carrot of my support made a difference, I think.

SeekingGrowth

Another thing that would make me hesitate to go no contact right off the bat is his age. He's not even 20. Same age as my son. His inability to fend for himself may provide the motivation to seek recovery, as it did for my son, and he may need your help to find a recovery program.

outtolunch

My daughter was 19-20 when she was deep into addiction. I never did go no contact and occasionally would meet her for a sandwhich. Most times, these meetings turned into attempts to manipulate me to fund her addiction.

I had a codependent hangover after each of these meetings/communications.

KuanYin

Agree with the above posters who suggested not to initiate contact. Have you considered "limited contact"? Possibly play it by ear, so to speak, for a while and see how it goes. There's no easy answers, no one set of rules guaranteed to work, sadly.

Prayers and hugs to you.

dorton

I think it depends on what you are able to handle. For me I was never able to go no contact but it was much easier to use email for contact. That way I knew he really had to want to contact me and it gave me the option of responding or not. It also gave me a chance to really think before I responded. It saved a lot of knee jerk responses out of me and I could read thourgly read what was said. There was less misunderstanding that way. Good luck.

OCHalo

Thank you all very much for your thoughts and opinions, it really helps me!

Windblown

I have tried to call my 19 year old and leave text messages. He does not call back. Finally I told him if he would like to have a relationship with me I would leave that up to him and would love to hear from him. He moved back to his abusive meth addict Dad's house who blames me for everything that ever went wrong in his house. I guess my son blames me too.i have decided to let go. If he wants to call me...he can pick up the phone and call. The only times he has called was when he wanted something. I'm realizing he just used me and am choosing to find reciprocal relationships where I am respected. I pray for him, but I have let go. He made his own choices and if he doesn't want me in his life, why would I push back?

OCHalo

Windblown>>>
Your sons dad sounds like a typical addict talking, always blaming others.
Sounds like you've made some clear cut boundaries with your son.
Stay strong!

December2011

Following calls from my son, I was pretty much an emotional wreck for the rest of the day. I even had panic attacks when the phone rang. This affects my job performance, my relationships, my health, and my happiness. There is also the chance that he will manipulate me and I will cave in.

The first time I kicked him out of my home was 7 years ago (he was 18) when I begged him to get into the treatment I had found or get out. He laughed in my face and took off with his friends, a few days later I got a call at school from one of his friends. He was laying in the dirt beat up (face was a mess) next to his wreaked car at the causeway. My heart was broken, I took him home, nursed his wounds and he promised things would be different. I have been rescuing/enabling him for the past 7 years in similar situations and worse. If only, I would have left him in the dirt back then- stopped contact… maybe things would be different, who can say for sure. My point in sharing my story is that I had to come to a point of letting him fall on his own, and letting my heart break without trying to relieve my pain by fixing him. I think the fact that he is an only child may have made matters worse, I don’t know.

Anyhow, I choose to have no contact with him, because I am an accomplished enabler/my son’s worst enemy, and he is practicing active addiction. Like Freedom said, we are a toxic combination. In my case there is no such thing as “normal conversation” with my son. It is easier for me not to know what horrors are going on in his life, because I will try to fix him.

As you can see, not everyone is in the same situation; I could never say what is right for you. I can only humbly share my experience.

Yes Freedom, one day at a time

Hugs coming at ya, OCHalo

December2011

Sorry about that, KE. I don't mean Freedom-- don't know why I keep mixing you guys up. anyhow, sorry about that. Sheesh.