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can't believe i'm still on same roller coaster

Old 03-22-2012, 03:53 AM
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can't believe i'm still on same roller coaster

I posted my story earlier this week and i appreciate all the feedback i've received from you all. I've been on this site several times a day just looking for support.

I had to go out of town for work for a few days to a place i've been coming once a month for a few days since last July. I was walking through the city when I had flashbacks of the craziness I endured after a break up with my ex when he was in very heavy addiction stage. I left him but didn't really have all the answer. We were about 3 weeks into no contact when I called him on this trip and we had a really long talk about what had happened. Of course, it was all lies. We got back together for what would be a horrendous 5 months. I hate to even think of the things that happened during that time.

So here I am again in March. 8 months of my life given to someone who was an addict, suffered great pain, alot of lies and abuse. My brain is in a fog. I just cried and cried and cried. It felt good to let it out. I hate being in this city.

I hate feeling the same way. That I will never get any answers. I never got any closure. I will never know for sure if he was using again. But this time, I have to do everything in my power to NEVER contact him again. Every time ended so bad. It's so sick that I still hold on to this image that everything is ok, and he finally went to rehab and I do think there is a chance he's clean and he just couldn't do the work to regain trust. Well, HELLO TO ME! Every time I broke up with him I later found out he had been taking pills again. Why is it so hard for us to clear ourselves out of this FOG!

This trip here has been pretty brutal. It has been a wake up call and I never want to feel like this in a relationship ever again. I just have to accept I may never get any closure or real answers out of the person I feel I deserve them from. They really are selfish. Even if he was clean, he didn't have the cahounas to pick up the phone or say it to my face. What a coward.

i'm so glad I'm leaving here tonight and thank you all for helping me keep my sanity this week.
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Old 03-22-2012, 04:02 AM
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Oh God, one more thought that just popped into my head. Have any of you even experienced this level of crazy? My ex last year went into therapy. He talked a great deal about how much he really loved this woman, it was really helping him, etc. His family and I obviously thought he had been dealing with drug abuse issues along with whatever other mental health issues he had to deal with.

Fast forward I think about 3 or 4 months, (time he was taking tons of pills every day), his mom went into a therapy appt with him after one of the times I kicked him out and cut contact after I found pills, only to find out he NEVER even mentioned he had a drug problem. This guy is 37 years old and his mother had to go in there with him for several sesions to make sure he was dealing with the right issues.

So crazy. If you're in therapy every single week for months, how do you not mentiont the fact that you're popping 30 vicodin and day on top of xanax and occasional adderall. That's a safe place to deal with your problems. I don't get it.

Sometimes I wish I could just stop the thoughts of crazy-making that has gone down.
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Old 03-22-2012, 04:09 AM
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How do you not mention it? Because you're protecting it and you're not ready to quit.
Memories are hard and can be very painful to relive but you can do it at your own pace. Forgiving and forgetting are very different things IMO.
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Old 03-22-2012, 04:25 AM
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Please try harder to stop thinking about it... It will only hurt and drive us crazy.
I'm trying now. I was Ok when I slept last nite, after talking with my friend on phone for 2 and half hours. She kept reminding me how bad the relationship was, etc etc. I'm so tired now. I slept so late everynite because of all the messy thoughts.

So, now here in my city, I just get off work, still sitting at the office. I'm tired to go out, but afraid of going home at the same time. After a busy day, things pop up on my mind again. I think that I'm gonna go to book store to look for the books the member had suggested.

Cheers
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Old 03-22-2012, 04:34 AM
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Hi madison-that is so crazy that he never mentioned he has a drug problem. My exabf pretty much is doing the same thing, he is court ordered to see a therapist and to go to treatment. He lies to his therapist, gets nothing out of it, is basically only going and lying about how well he is doing just so the therapist will send a good report back to his PO. That way he will be released from seeing his therapist and will have fulfilled that portion of his court order. The treatment portion is another joke, he just finds ex heroin users he can buy pills from. He lies to his treatment provider as well. He has random Ua's that he has also found a way to get around. I asked him why? Why not try to get something out of all of this to better yourself...his answer was "i don't know." Really? Wow!!
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:36 AM
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If an addict doesn't want to change then they can have all the support in the world and not do a thing with it. It's just a nuisance stopping them from using.
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:55 AM
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It doesn't matter if they admit to it or not, what matters is that we know and now need to process the information and move forward in a productive way in our own life.

I too look back at the insanity of addiction, especially when combined with my own codependent dance. I am glad I left the dance hall.

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Old 03-22-2012, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Skye10 View Post
I asked him why? Why not try to get something out of all of this to better yourself...his answer was "i don't know." Really? Wow!!
U know what? My ex gave me the same answer 'I don't know'
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Old 03-23-2012, 01:51 PM
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When my son was using again I knew, I could tell by how he looked, sounded, and acted while high, coming down, and in withdrawals. Even when he texted me, I could usually tell which phase he was in by what he said. I also argued with him when I saw this guy on the caller ID that I knew was a drug supplier for him; of course he has no clue why he was calling. When I thought something was shady my son would turn it around and tell me what a bad mother I was and I made him feel like a piece of sh*t. It is different because he is my son, but patterns of addicts and codies are similar. I know it is frustrating for you and you want to know for sure in order to get closure, but this man may never give you that dignity. If I were you I would not think for a minute that if you only didnít get upset about the call things would be different. Trust your gut.

For closure,
Maybe you could write a letter to your ex, fully telling him how you feel, writing your feelings over the period of a few days or however long you want to take, and make it as long as you want. Then you can send it or not. Maybe that would help as far as getting closure.

I am glad you had a good healing cry, there will probably a few more of those, but like you said itís a good thing and good for you that you did try to call him. This will lead to more pain.

I know that the sunshine will burn off that fog in time, and someday you will be in a happy relationship that you will appreciate all the more. This experience, no doubt, will change you forever.

ďIt takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.Ē ~ Anonymous.
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