Kids?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Kids?
Has anyone made the decision to stop their child/ren from seeing their addict parent?
I'm considering it. He uses visitation to be verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive. He's a long term (20+ years) heroin and crack addict, a chronic relapser. he's clean right now but not in a program or seeking any kind of help. Still maintaining a superior attitude.
I'm not concerning myself with what he is/isn't doing anymore, it's his life and he's free to live it as he wishes, I'm just aiming for damage limitation both to myself and mainly our daughter. During our relationship he was volatile, angry, aggressive, disrespectful, verbally abusive, violent, rude, unhelpful and often absent. He has 2 older kids (7 and 10) who he rarely sees even when clean, his choice not their mother's- she allows him to drop in and out of their life as he pleases. He's recently started to try to manipulate me through our 22 month old. He isn't allowed unsupervised contact with her because of his chaotic drug use, plus he tried to commit suicide when she was around and threatened me with a knife when I was holding her.
This all sounds so obvious right?
He has about 3 months clean on methadone although he's possibly still chipping- he's not fiending right now anyway is my point.
My daughter adores him. Thinks the world of him. He's an ok dad for the 4-5 hours a week she sees him. He gives her attention and plays with her.
Recently there have been no incidents of physical violence although I'm concerned he's starting to try to force the issue of 'us'.
I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. What if I decide to stop his access and she hates me for it? What if she grows up desperate to know her dad? What if she goes to find him when she's older and he breaks her heart.. Or acts like mr wonderful (he's a charmer!) and she resents me forever?
How do I make this huge decision?
I'm 90% sure he wouldn't take me to court but I'm soo unprepared to tell a solicitor all these reasons I don't want him to have access.
He's unmotivated, he's not a nice man although he comes across that way at first, he thinks he's superior to everyone, he's a bully and a coward, he won't work and would rather try and fake claim disability. He's spent nearly 13 years in prison. He has a huge chip on his shoulder and blames everyone else for his problems. I don't believe he can be a good influence or teach her good things. I'm desperate to teach her how to be happy, how to be independent, confident. I want her to know she's loved and she's the most important person in my world.
Has anyone made a similar decision?
I'm pretty sure it's just fear holding me back. I don't want her to miss out on her dad if he can do a good job. He's a fantastic man.. except for when he's not.
I'm considering it. He uses visitation to be verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive. He's a long term (20+ years) heroin and crack addict, a chronic relapser. he's clean right now but not in a program or seeking any kind of help. Still maintaining a superior attitude.
I'm not concerning myself with what he is/isn't doing anymore, it's his life and he's free to live it as he wishes, I'm just aiming for damage limitation both to myself and mainly our daughter. During our relationship he was volatile, angry, aggressive, disrespectful, verbally abusive, violent, rude, unhelpful and often absent. He has 2 older kids (7 and 10) who he rarely sees even when clean, his choice not their mother's- she allows him to drop in and out of their life as he pleases. He's recently started to try to manipulate me through our 22 month old. He isn't allowed unsupervised contact with her because of his chaotic drug use, plus he tried to commit suicide when she was around and threatened me with a knife when I was holding her.
This all sounds so obvious right?
He has about 3 months clean on methadone although he's possibly still chipping- he's not fiending right now anyway is my point.
My daughter adores him. Thinks the world of him. He's an ok dad for the 4-5 hours a week she sees him. He gives her attention and plays with her.
Recently there have been no incidents of physical violence although I'm concerned he's starting to try to force the issue of 'us'.
I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. What if I decide to stop his access and she hates me for it? What if she grows up desperate to know her dad? What if she goes to find him when she's older and he breaks her heart.. Or acts like mr wonderful (he's a charmer!) and she resents me forever?
How do I make this huge decision?
I'm 90% sure he wouldn't take me to court but I'm soo unprepared to tell a solicitor all these reasons I don't want him to have access.
He's unmotivated, he's not a nice man although he comes across that way at first, he thinks he's superior to everyone, he's a bully and a coward, he won't work and would rather try and fake claim disability. He's spent nearly 13 years in prison. He has a huge chip on his shoulder and blames everyone else for his problems. I don't believe he can be a good influence or teach her good things. I'm desperate to teach her how to be happy, how to be independent, confident. I want her to know she's loved and she's the most important person in my world.
Has anyone made a similar decision?
I'm pretty sure it's just fear holding me back. I don't want her to miss out on her dad if he can do a good job. He's a fantastic man.. except for when he's not.
trying to find a balance
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 57
You need to make the choice that will protect you and your little one. I am dealing with a small version of this right now (nothing compared to what you are dealing with) and I know that for me it has to be what is best for my kids that wins. Are his visits still supervised as of now?
Please dont stop reaching out for help!
Please dont stop reaching out for help!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Yes I'm supervising 
there is nobody else to supervise and I wouldn't put anyone else in that position as it would be unfair. There is an awful lot more to the story but I've tried to just put in the bits that are relevant to his parenting ability!
Social services told me I had to leave him if he relapsed.. He relapsed and I contacted them. He doesn't know much about it but he's not allowed to live with her or have her unsupervised.
I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. It makes me feel sick. I don't want to allow him to damage her like he has me. I don't want to deprive her of a dad- my dad was **** and I don't see him so I think that's where a lot of the emotion comes from.
there is nobody else to supervise and I wouldn't put anyone else in that position as it would be unfair. There is an awful lot more to the story but I've tried to just put in the bits that are relevant to his parenting ability! Social services told me I had to leave him if he relapsed.. He relapsed and I contacted them. He doesn't know much about it but he's not allowed to live with her or have her unsupervised.
I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. It makes me feel sick. I don't want to allow him to damage her like he has me. I don't want to deprive her of a dad- my dad was **** and I don't see him so I think that's where a lot of the emotion comes from.
trying to find a balance
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 57
"Yes I'm supervising there is nobody else to supervise and I wouldn't put anyone else in that position as it would be unfair"
If it were me I would get a guardian ad litem to do the supervison so that you can get an unbiased third party. If your afraid of how he would react then I would think it is time to remove you and your little one from that situation. You deserve a fair shake at life and it sounds like he is keeping you, adn your daughter, from getting that. If he were to get violent with jsut you and your daughter there what would you do?
I feel like protecting your daughter has to come before your fear about how she will feel about it in 10-20 years. Do what you know is right and everything will fall in to place
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We're not married, which I count my blessings for- we were engaged but he kept using down payments on my ring for drugs.
I was actually hoping you would reply anvilhead. Your straight talking and brutal honesty are good for me right now. He asks for regular visits- more regular than I allow. At the moment I travel up there (1 hour each way by bus) on a Wednesday 2-4 and a Saturday 2-5 approx. He also asks for overnights which I refuse, which then turns to him asking for both of us to stay. I still refuse. I'm trying to cut down my own contact with him and trying to get my head inti a place where I'm prepared to call the police should he appear at my home- unlikely but not impossible due to his history of turning up in my garden etc.
Something I missed but since realised is important- he had a drug debt (£2500) to a dealer who knows where I live. This dealer was calling me and harassing me and then started to come to my house and threaten me or have people watch me and call him so he could call me and say he knew where I was. It got to a point where there were men looking through the windows and hammering at the door when I was home alone with my daughter- I'm 21 and 5'5, no match for these people! I had to leave my home for a week and stay with his sister, he sorted it in his own sweet time and talked his mum into paying it. Didn't face the consequences financially and certainly didn't come over here to protect me and his daughter from possible physical consequences.
I was actually hoping you would reply anvilhead. Your straight talking and brutal honesty are good for me right now. He asks for regular visits- more regular than I allow. At the moment I travel up there (1 hour each way by bus) on a Wednesday 2-4 and a Saturday 2-5 approx. He also asks for overnights which I refuse, which then turns to him asking for both of us to stay. I still refuse. I'm trying to cut down my own contact with him and trying to get my head inti a place where I'm prepared to call the police should he appear at my home- unlikely but not impossible due to his history of turning up in my garden etc.
Something I missed but since realised is important- he had a drug debt (£2500) to a dealer who knows where I live. This dealer was calling me and harassing me and then started to come to my house and threaten me or have people watch me and call him so he could call me and say he knew where I was. It got to a point where there were men looking through the windows and hammering at the door when I was home alone with my daughter- I'm 21 and 5'5, no match for these people! I had to leave my home for a week and stay with his sister, he sorted it in his own sweet time and talked his mum into paying it. Didn't face the consequences financially and certainly didn't come over here to protect me and his daughter from possible physical consequences.
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No, he's unemployed as he always loses his jobs (that his sister always hands to him on a plate). Usually for stealing. he's once or twice promised me he would buy her something she needed (just socks or pyjamas or cheap stuff like that) but always fallen through. His sister sometimes buys her gifts and he pretends he bought them.
He says he can't come to meet me because he has no money or because it's cold or because the sky is blue or because cats have whiskers.
He says he can't come to meet me because he has no money or because it's cold or because the sky is blue or because cats have whiskers.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I'm waiting to be rehoused. I've spoken to the domestic abuse centre I use and my case worker is doing me some letters to support my housing application. When I do get a house, I wont be telling him where I live. My mum is moving soon too- it seems like my higher power is about to hand me a great opportunity which I shouldn't turn down.
I feel like even discussing this is progress. Is that crazy? A while ago I couldn't even tell people I was unhappy in the relationship. Recently I'm reaching out and asking people for help when I'm struggling.
I feel like even discussing this is progress. Is that crazy? A while ago I couldn't even tell people I was unhappy in the relationship. Recently I'm reaching out and asking people for help when I'm struggling.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
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Definitely progress Windmills, it's a step for sure.
I am the child of a heroin addict and a very unstable/abusive mother. I lived with my dad until he died, I was 17 then. I then moved in with my mom (who abandoned me at 15) and the abuse continued... Psychological/emotional/verbal abuse is not okay and really really screws you up. Even though a dad is an important part of any child's life, it is more important to grow up with a semblance of self-worth and as she gets older, I would worry that he would start treating your daughter like he treats you because she's old enough to "take it" and understand it. I would cut him out for now...and when she gets old enough to make her own choices, open that choice up to her again. Let her choose if she wants to have a relationship with him or not...Right now she doesn't have a choice, she's not even 2 years old yet. You are responsible for keeping her safe and in a consistent environment, and though she may be upset at first that she can't see her dad anymore, you're still providing her with a better home and life than she would have had with him. You can find peace in that.
I am the child of a heroin addict and a very unstable/abusive mother. I lived with my dad until he died, I was 17 then. I then moved in with my mom (who abandoned me at 15) and the abuse continued... Psychological/emotional/verbal abuse is not okay and really really screws you up. Even though a dad is an important part of any child's life, it is more important to grow up with a semblance of self-worth and as she gets older, I would worry that he would start treating your daughter like he treats you because she's old enough to "take it" and understand it. I would cut him out for now...and when she gets old enough to make her own choices, open that choice up to her again. Let her choose if she wants to have a relationship with him or not...Right now she doesn't have a choice, she's not even 2 years old yet. You are responsible for keeping her safe and in a consistent environment, and though she may be upset at first that she can't see her dad anymore, you're still providing her with a better home and life than she would have had with him. You can find peace in that.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Sounds like the man needs a bouncer as the supervisor for visits- then lets see him get lippy! HA
"He uses visitation to be verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive."
I think that right there answers your question.
Do you have any trusted family, uncles, dad, friends etc... that would like to spend some extra time with your child as a male role model? I think this can help a lot.
and.....
How old is this guy? You said you are 21- he was in prison 13 years before you met him?
"He uses visitation to be verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive."
I think that right there answers your question.
Do you have any trusted family, uncles, dad, friends etc... that would like to spend some extra time with your child as a male role model? I think this can help a lot.
and.....
How old is this guy? You said you are 21- he was in prison 13 years before you met him?
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I'm not sure whether I want to delve too far into the age thing if that's ok, I am aware the age difference is likely to have made me a good target for an abusive partner but it was nothing illegal. I'm in the UK 
Unfortunately I don't have many male family members. My grandad is a wonderful man and my daughter adores him but he's in his 70s. My brother is 16 and a bit all over the place mentally, he loves her but he's got a lot of growing up to do emotionally. My sisters boyfriend is great with my daughter but I'm not sure he's a good male rolemodel.. I think this will work itself out in time though, my brother and brother in law are likely to be better candidates in a couple of years.
I feel like I'm playing god or something, it's such a huge decision and I don't want to mess it up..
Unfortunately I don't have many male family members. My grandad is a wonderful man and my daughter adores him but he's in his 70s. My brother is 16 and a bit all over the place mentally, he loves her but he's got a lot of growing up to do emotionally. My sisters boyfriend is great with my daughter but I'm not sure he's a good male rolemodel.. I think this will work itself out in time though, my brother and brother in law are likely to be better candidates in a couple of years.
I feel like I'm playing god or something, it's such a huge decision and I don't want to mess it up..
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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The safety of you and your child is of primary importance. It is your job to protect your child and make the tough decisions that she cannot make. Maybe it would help for you to write down your priorities? You can't see into the future--10 or 20 years from now. However, right now, you are saying that you and your child are not safe in the presence of this man. You don't have to predict the future. You can just do what is best for the two of you now.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
It is OK, you are just scared that it will hurt her if she doesn't have her dad in her life. It is a valid concern, but sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Sorry about asking about the age thing, just too nosy I guess.
Sounds like there may be a chance of good male role models in the future that's great. I asked because my father was an addict, but I had a teacher in 5th and 6th grade that helped me a lot. Him and his wife would have me over for dinner, and let me hang out when times were tough at home. They would even come check on me at my house to make sure I was OK. I felt a lot of love from them. They came to my wedding etc... It was just good to know that not all men were evil.
Well, enough about me.
-Just hoping and praying that you and your daughter get your new house, and a great new beginning. You sound like a smart young lady, you put most 21 year old people to shame!
Sounds like there may be a chance of good male role models in the future that's great. I asked because my father was an addict, but I had a teacher in 5th and 6th grade that helped me a lot. Him and his wife would have me over for dinner, and let me hang out when times were tough at home. They would even come check on me at my house to make sure I was OK. I felt a lot of love from them. They came to my wedding etc... It was just good to know that not all men were evil.
Well, enough about me.
-Just hoping and praying that you and your daughter get your new house, and a great new beginning. You sound like a smart young lady, you put most 21 year old people to shame!
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I was in a bit of an odd place. He's almost 42.
I'm glad to hear that you were able to get that male role model elsewhere, that's really reassuring.
Yesterday I took her all the way up there, and then he was in a cranky mood. After an hour or two he started trying to force a conversation about sex/our relationship. I told him a few times I didn't want to continue with it in front of our daughter. He persisted and persisted and eventually I told him I was going to leave unless he stopped. Well he didn't stop, so I left. Two big things fir me there- not falling into his stupid manipulative games, and putting in a boundary and sticking to it.I haven't heard from him since, it's 7.20am here and this happened about 4pm yesterday afternoon.
If he turns ip here acting like a maniac I'm going to call the police.
I'm glad to hear that you were able to get that male role model elsewhere, that's really reassuring.
Yesterday I took her all the way up there, and then he was in a cranky mood. After an hour or two he started trying to force a conversation about sex/our relationship. I told him a few times I didn't want to continue with it in front of our daughter. He persisted and persisted and eventually I told him I was going to leave unless he stopped. Well he didn't stop, so I left. Two big things fir me there- not falling into his stupid manipulative games, and putting in a boundary and sticking to it.I haven't heard from him since, it's 7.20am here and this happened about 4pm yesterday afternoon.
If he turns ip here acting like a maniac I'm going to call the police.
trying to find a balance
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 57
I am so proud (maybe not the right word) of you for drawing that line and sticking to it! That is an amazing step and truly inspiring for anyone who is fighting a similar battle! Good for you!
How are you doing today? Any word from the ex?
I really hope that the social worker is able to help you get in to a safe place! That would be amazing for you to be able to have a stable home for your daughter...and for you!
How are you doing today? Any word from the ex?
I really hope that the social worker is able to help you get in to a safe place! That would be amazing for you to be able to have a stable home for your daughter...and for you!
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Still no contact- well, I've ignored one call. Seems strange. I could easily speculate that he's in a crack house smoking crack.. But I honestly feel that's nothing to do with me. His life, his choices. Maybe I'm finally ready to do step 1 
trying to find a balance
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Windmills 
Still no contact- well, I've ignored one call. Seems strange. I could easily speculate that he's in a crack house smoking crack.. But I honestly feel that's nothing to do with me. His life, his choices. Maybe I'm finally ready to do step 1
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With his background, I would not allow him near my child and make sure this happens by the court. Its not safe. I would move far away from him and change my phone.
I am dealing with a cocaine addict in denial. No violence and I wish I had the power to not allow him in my sons life. Too inconsistent and there is no trust. Unfortunately, he gets 2 hours a week supervised visits per the court. I always think, no non addict would ever let their child around someone who lies, steals and cheats and hurts...so why should I? Because he was a sperm donor? What I wouldn't give to get this man out of my life. A child needs consistency, and someone to show them right from wrong. There is no room for an addict in a child's life. This is just my opinion. My friend once said, if you don't know what to do, don't do anything. But becareful by being too nice. My x addicted husband WAS youth of the year, charming and very well respected. Now, he is an addict. Cannot be trusted and always causing pain. He is selfish. Very very selfish.
Anyways, this touches close to my heart because I have a child and am dealing with an addict x husband who is in denial of his addiction. It is super hard. I try to do everything right by the court and I will always protect my son. Thankfully, 2 hours a week supervised isn't that bad. Day by day. Shower them with love and help guide them to make the right choices. Good luck.
I am dealing with a cocaine addict in denial. No violence and I wish I had the power to not allow him in my sons life. Too inconsistent and there is no trust. Unfortunately, he gets 2 hours a week supervised visits per the court. I always think, no non addict would ever let their child around someone who lies, steals and cheats and hurts...so why should I? Because he was a sperm donor? What I wouldn't give to get this man out of my life. A child needs consistency, and someone to show them right from wrong. There is no room for an addict in a child's life. This is just my opinion. My friend once said, if you don't know what to do, don't do anything. But becareful by being too nice. My x addicted husband WAS youth of the year, charming and very well respected. Now, he is an addict. Cannot be trusted and always causing pain. He is selfish. Very very selfish.
Anyways, this touches close to my heart because I have a child and am dealing with an addict x husband who is in denial of his addiction. It is super hard. I try to do everything right by the court and I will always protect my son. Thankfully, 2 hours a week supervised isn't that bad. Day by day. Shower them with love and help guide them to make the right choices. Good luck.
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