Talltrees

I guess I'm in sort of a mental dilema. I am not sure if people remember any of my other posts, but my brother is a heroin addict, is on house arrest living with my grandfather and probably going to federal prison for a long time soon. So the new part : (I hope this doesn't turn into a long boring story)

I speak to my grandfather on the internet and I feel that we are somewhat close that way. He is my biological dad's dad and I haven't seen too much of him my whole life because things have been bitter ever since my mom divorced my real dad when I was born, and also because my real dad is still a jerk and lives with my grandfather. Before the prison drama, my grandfather always asked me about my brother and how he was doing (he had no clue my brother was an abusive drug addict) and why I never knew anything about where he was living. In truth, I have only seen my brother twice since my wedding and he had gotten worse than I'd ever seen him. So just two months ago, I finally told my grandfather that my brother has been a heroin addict for a long time, hits his girlfriend and is not doing well. He thanked me for telling him the truth and seemed really understanding.

Well now my brother is living with him---coincidentally my brother chose to call him when the living arrangements were made after bail. My grandfather is a former DEA agent. I do not think he is naive, but it really surprises me that he is allowing my brother to stay with him. And it sort of makes me mad, but that's my problem :-)

So this morning, I got an email from my grandpa asking me to call my brother. He said it would be encouraging and "make his day". My grandfather does not know that my brother used to be physically abusive to me before I left home. I was seventeen the last time it happened, which was the worst incident. It was in front of a lot of my family while we were vacationing out-of-state at a beach house. My mother wouldn't let me call the police because it was "time for bed" and it would just keep my brother and sister awake (who were 2 at the time). I took pictures of the biggest bruises I have ever seen, and the next day I went to the police department to find out about my options. The officer saw the bruises and was sympathetic, but said I would have to go to my home state and get a protective order, which my parents would have to sign. Of course my mom would never let that happen. But my dad (my stepdad, but he's my dad) did drive him seven hours home the next day and told him to get his things and leave. After that he lived with my grandmother for a while, but was eventually kicked out for drug use, so my mom allowed him back and I left instead.

Typing this reminds me of how much anger I still have towards her for letting this go on and always choosing him over me. She still calls me jealous.

So back to the email... I don't feel like I can call my brother, and I feel like I might just sound like an angry brat if I don't tell my grandpa the real reason. I don't want to start any kind of a relationship with my brother, even by phone. I just don't know what to say. I want to keep my relationship with my grandpa the way it is and forget about my brother.

outtolunch

Sounds like you have a solid boundary of no contact with your brother for good reason. Just because grandpa wants you to call your brother, you are not under any obligation to do so. Continue to enforce your boundary. No is a complete sentence.

Your choice to tell him why or not. He may or may not understand. It was quite common in his day for siblings to physically abuse each other just as it was common for parents to beat the carp out of their kids.

Please know you have no more control over who your grandfather allows into his home or what he does than you have over your brother. It's not your problem. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

KuanYin

I remember your previous post. This is just my opinion, others may feel differently. But since your grandpa took it upon himself to direct you to call your brother, I see absolutely no reason why you should not tell your grandpa why you will not call and why you will not have a relationship with your brother. You're not "starting" any family drama; grandpa and brother seem to be. All you are doing is recalling the truth. If the truth sucks for brother and grandpa, so be it. It's not your job to sugar coat it. Maybe clearly delineate your boundaries as far as your brother is concerned when discussing/emailing your grandpa. That's just my opinion.

Talltrees

Thanks. I'm glad I waited a while and thought on it. My first reaction was to stall and tell my grandpa I'd think about it, make him hopeful and proud of me. Bleh. My SR friends always provide me with some clarity when my head stops giving it to me :-) Thank you for your words. I used some of them. Here is what I said:

I have to say, my relationship with ------- was abusive at best when we had one, verbally and physically. The no-contact boundary has been important for me. I would like to have a relationship with him in the future when his air clears up and I feel like we can head in a healthy direction, but I'm kind of at a wait-and-see place. I would love for our sons to play and grow up together when ------- is safe to be around. Sometimes there are short-lived "breaks" in the cycle as far as the drug use, following some sort of drama. I try to keep the no-expectation rule in mind. But I am glad to hear he seems to be doing better. I hope you can understand.

EJG123

Sounds good. I agree you should let your grandpa know where you stand. Good luck!

KuanYin

Good response, talltrees!