blame and shame
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blame and shame
I hope posting this is not inappropriate. Maybe I need help with a blind spot?
This is the text message that I just rcv'd. It is riddled with blame and shame and it illustrates how I have now become the excuse to use. "too much too soon" refers to a couple of dates we had...and this after having lived together for almost a year. This is how I have "enabled" him...I have become, like everything else an excuse to use.
"I am in deep anger stage, perhaps just the active addict you have and do see me as, dismissing the grueling work I have done for so long. I am so sad you feel shamed to have been manipulated into a relationship beneath you to a beautiful man who happens to have an addiction to alcohol and drugs. Who you are convinced has never been in recovery (haha!!! a judgement so dripping w grandiosity, and that I am familiar with from intense prolonged work on insight about myself I). To whom your underlying care is this condescension, and perhaps you are in difficult times little aware of...the dynamic of a savior. Which I too know so well, a defense against my unworthiness, and correct as quickly as I am able, from years of work...though not in recovery!!!) The bottome line that is crystal clear is that our 4 days together was 'a little too much too soon.' My recovery is halting and interrupted, damaging to you, and others. yet most importantly progressive consciousness of God."
This is the text message that I just rcv'd. It is riddled with blame and shame and it illustrates how I have now become the excuse to use. "too much too soon" refers to a couple of dates we had...and this after having lived together for almost a year. This is how I have "enabled" him...I have become, like everything else an excuse to use.
"I am in deep anger stage, perhaps just the active addict you have and do see me as, dismissing the grueling work I have done for so long. I am so sad you feel shamed to have been manipulated into a relationship beneath you to a beautiful man who happens to have an addiction to alcohol and drugs. Who you are convinced has never been in recovery (haha!!! a judgement so dripping w grandiosity, and that I am familiar with from intense prolonged work on insight about myself I). To whom your underlying care is this condescension, and perhaps you are in difficult times little aware of...the dynamic of a savior. Which I too know so well, a defense against my unworthiness, and correct as quickly as I am able, from years of work...though not in recovery!!!) The bottome line that is crystal clear is that our 4 days together was 'a little too much too soon.' My recovery is halting and interrupted, damaging to you, and others. yet most importantly progressive consciousness of God."
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
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why would you say in 50 words what you can say in 5.
pretty much said "you're wrong. I'm pissed. quack"
In my experience, people who are TRULY in recovery are humble. More humble than you've ever seen them or thought they could be. This (if you can translate it to english) is not humility.
pretty much said "you're wrong. I'm pissed. quack"
In my experience, people who are TRULY in recovery are humble. More humble than you've ever seen them or thought they could be. This (if you can translate it to english) is not humility.
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actually he is a beautiful man, which is what used to make it so infuriating! now I just see it for what it is. he periodically binges and in between, for months at a time, he is so loveable...but he just won't believe it. the devil has him by the ba!!s and he won't do what it takes to get out of the grip
this is what may finally enable me to move forward, longer, stronger, away from crack in my life...that my frustration has calmed, my vision has gathered enough "evidence" to prove the insanity of it all, that I trust in myself (I really don't believe I am a grandiose condescending savior complex...but then I have my doubts! maybe some here on this board would side with him on this one!!??) or maybe that it's I am constantly working to trust more in myself
I do think I am ready.
thanks for your opinion that it is psycho babble. it is helpful. I am not alone.
this is what may finally enable me to move forward, longer, stronger, away from crack in my life...that my frustration has calmed, my vision has gathered enough "evidence" to prove the insanity of it all, that I trust in myself (I really don't believe I am a grandiose condescending savior complex...but then I have my doubts! maybe some here on this board would side with him on this one!!??) or maybe that it's I am constantly working to trust more in myself
I do think I am ready.
thanks for your opinion that it is psycho babble. it is helpful. I am not alone.
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these are only the first 50 words of another 150 that follow.
he uses his "masters" studies in psychology and his twenty years "in the rooms" as fuel to deflect and swirl and confuse the blame. In the 150 words there is not an insulting slur against crack itself...only against my disdain for it.
as one professional interventionist told me, he could "run a treatment center". which makes him one of the most difficult types of addicts (for himself and others). If I am honest I have wanted to defeat this stilted shabby mask of "knowledge" he possesses, I have wanted to mirror back to him the weakness of his arguments and excuses.
But I have been proven over and over that there is no "winning" (wow that makes me think of what's his name the tv actor) and as someone told me once...when you dance with the devil people can't tell you apart.
I think I get ensnared in the debate, I am hooked on the rational fight, the desire to "make him see" and I need to stop thinking that I can outsmart this thing.
he uses his "masters" studies in psychology and his twenty years "in the rooms" as fuel to deflect and swirl and confuse the blame. In the 150 words there is not an insulting slur against crack itself...only against my disdain for it.
as one professional interventionist told me, he could "run a treatment center". which makes him one of the most difficult types of addicts (for himself and others). If I am honest I have wanted to defeat this stilted shabby mask of "knowledge" he possesses, I have wanted to mirror back to him the weakness of his arguments and excuses.
But I have been proven over and over that there is no "winning" (wow that makes me think of what's his name the tv actor) and as someone told me once...when you dance with the devil people can't tell you apart.
I think I get ensnared in the debate, I am hooked on the rational fight, the desire to "make him see" and I need to stop thinking that I can outsmart this thing.
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You recently posted that you thought holding him accountable ( assume this is in reference to addiction) would help him.
Holding someone accountable sounds a tad like trying to control someone and it usually backfires, especially in romantic situations.
He's a 20 year crack addict and it does not sound like he's done, yet.
Holding someone accountable sounds a tad like trying to control someone and it usually backfires, especially in romantic situations.
He's a 20 year crack addict and it does not sound like he's done, yet.
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maybe that's the grandiose part, thinking I'm smarter than the disease, that I am the one that will be the accountable/witness/mirror/source of unconditional love that will heal this thing. maybe that's the savior part...
I just need to let go.
I just need to let go.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Boy, I when I read that, I was wishing I had my BOOTS on as it was getting pretty deep!!!!!
What a crock of BS.
I hope this has opened your eyes. He is a 20 years crack addict. He will use words, and point blame.
Know that we are walking with you. Hope that makes it a bit easier for you to 'trudge' on out of the quagmire.
This is one of those times when you are 'trudgin' with alligators up to your butt.
Love and hugs,
What a crock of BS.
I hope this has opened your eyes. He is a 20 years crack addict. He will use words, and point blame.
Know that we are walking with you. Hope that makes it a bit easier for you to 'trudge' on out of the quagmire.
This is one of those times when you are 'trudgin' with alligators up to your butt.
Love and hugs,
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oh, what a gift of lightness and clarity to laugh with a certain sense of freedom in reading your replies. it helps to know that some of you really strong recovery people see the words of blame and shame as just so much bs, babble and blah. my ego has been hooked in the quack...and life feels strangely free, light and joyful, seeing up and out of the quagmire.
i can be free of crack relapses.
i can be free of crack relapses.
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good one...hits me over the head like an anvil 
yep. I'm stuggling with recovery from quack.
it gets my norepinephrine flowing! the newest excuse just in...sex. I asked him once if the dopamine released from sex was a possible trigger. of course at the time he swore it didn't but in the throes of separation anxiety and blame it comes back at me. my sex, presence and love are all reasons he used now. I swear that anything I have ever said to him, out of a place of honesty and vulnerability, eventually gets twisted around and comes back to haunt in the form of blame and shame.
yep. I'm stuggling with recovery from quack.
it gets my norepinephrine flowing! the newest excuse just in...sex. I asked him once if the dopamine released from sex was a possible trigger. of course at the time he swore it didn't but in the throes of separation anxiety and blame it comes back at me. my sex, presence and love are all reasons he used now. I swear that anything I have ever said to him, out of a place of honesty and vulnerability, eventually gets twisted around and comes back to haunt in the form of blame and shame.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by lesliej 
... my sex, presence and love are all reasons he used now.
Therefore, the absence of all of the above would be the basis for sobriety, eh.
We don't have the power to keep anyone sober or cause them to relapse. Recovery from anything, including codependency, is 100 % an inside job.
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Oh, don't mistake me,
I am not saying these excuses are true whatsoever...(for me)...this is his language,and I know it's what he is using with his newest sponsor.
if he wants to live in a loveless, sexless world then so be it,
because that is his current excuse and if he EVER stays accountable to anyone long enough they will, as I did, see him slip slide through his cycle of excuses. (he has had four sponsors since I have known him) somewhere deep inside I had a sense his addict would devour the part of my heart I gave him and use it up, smoke it up and turn it to ash. too bad for him.
but the parts of our heart that we give to someone else we also get to keep as well. his mistreating of my heart is his thing. I have taken that part back and will never allow it to get smoked again!
I am not saying these excuses are true whatsoever...(for me)...this is his language,and I know it's what he is using with his newest sponsor.
if he wants to live in a loveless, sexless world then so be it,
because that is his current excuse and if he EVER stays accountable to anyone long enough they will, as I did, see him slip slide through his cycle of excuses. (he has had four sponsors since I have known him) somewhere deep inside I had a sense his addict would devour the part of my heart I gave him and use it up, smoke it up and turn it to ash. too bad for him.
but the parts of our heart that we give to someone else we also get to keep as well. his mistreating of my heart is his thing. I have taken that part back and will never allow it to get smoked again!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
I'm so confused by your ex.
How could he go through 20 years of rehab, 12 step programs, sponsors, weekly meetings, therapists....And yet he still finds it reasonable to blame someone else for his drug use.
Sex or no sex .... Does he think he is responsible for his actions at all ?
Might as well say he relapsed because he ate an delicious raspberry filled cupcake with sprinkles.
How could he go through 20 years of rehab, 12 step programs, sponsors, weekly meetings, therapists....And yet he still finds it reasonable to blame someone else for his drug use.
Sex or no sex .... Does he think he is responsible for his actions at all ?
Might as well say he relapsed because he ate an delicious raspberry filled cupcake with sprinkles.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Sorry my friend ~ hate to disappoint you ~ but you can't have the "grandiose condescending savior complex" ~ I have that ~ my exah repeatedly informed me of that several times when we were discussing his many relapses. . .
When I said "Wait, we aren't talking about me ~ we are talking about you ~ His response ~ Well we can't ALL be perfect like Jesus Christ and YOU!"
Then he proceeded to inform me about all the wonderful recovery plans, job opportunities he had and of course all the things everyone else was doing wrong in the program which kept him from staying sober.
It was a major quack attack ~ sounds like you had one too~ call FEMA ~ Find Emergency Manual for Al-Anon!
Take good care of you and use your recovery tools to find the healthy sane path for you to take!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
When I said "Wait, we aren't talking about me ~ we are talking about you ~ His response ~ Well we can't ALL be perfect like Jesus Christ and YOU!"
Then he proceeded to inform me about all the wonderful recovery plans, job opportunities he had and of course all the things everyone else was doing wrong in the program which kept him from staying sober.
It was a major quack attack ~ sounds like you had one too~ call FEMA ~ Find Emergency Manual for Al-Anon!
Take good care of you and use your recovery tools to find the healthy sane path for you to take!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted by laurie6781
Boy, I when I read that, I was wishing I had my BOOTS on as it was getting pretty deep!!!!!
What a crock of BS.
I hope this has opened your eyes. He is a 20 years crack addict. He will use words, and point blame.
Know that we are walking with you. Hope that makes it a bit easier for you to 'trudge' on out of the quagmire.
Love and hugs,
What a crock of BS.
I hope this has opened your eyes. He is a 20 years crack addict. He will use words, and point blame.
Know that we are walking with you. Hope that makes it a bit easier for you to 'trudge' on out of the quagmire.
Love and hugs,
It is sooooo hard 'letting go' of him. He is my baby still; he is 22 going on 14! I have found some good stuff on here to be going on with and just pray you will all support me through this thing of giving up trying to control him. I have to 'walk the walk, not just talk the talk' and its harddddd!! I am an ex-addict myself with, God willing, 28 years clean n'sober come September; to find my son has my disease is incredibly painful and I feel totally powerless to help him. God help both of us.
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Wow, lesliej, I'm so sorry for what you must be feeling. This is such assaulting language. If I didn't know he was a crack addict, I would think he was bipolar, for his language sounds so much like someone in full-blown mania. Absolute mania.
Either way, please wrap yourself up and do what you have to do to protect yourself for now.
Either way, please wrap yourself up and do what you have to do to protect yourself for now.
Join Date: Aug 2011
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He sounds like a narcissist...major egotistical preoccupation with self.
My single and last response to that text message would be:
"Hang on for a minute babe and let me check and see if I give a sh!t...nope, I don't"
His use of all that psychobabble and jargon is simply a thinly veiled attempt to appear superior. From his text, he really appears rather sad and small to me. The crack will eat his brain sooner than later and that beautiful man with all the big words will have nothing more to say.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been on the receiving end of this as well, and sadly I have also been the addicted one who dished it out. I hope you find peace.
My single and last response to that text message would be:
"Hang on for a minute babe and let me check and see if I give a sh!t...nope, I don't"
His use of all that psychobabble and jargon is simply a thinly veiled attempt to appear superior. From his text, he really appears rather sad and small to me. The crack will eat his brain sooner than later and that beautiful man with all the big words will have nothing more to say.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been on the receiving end of this as well, and sadly I have also been the addicted one who dished it out. I hope you find peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It's just a bunch of BS. It's a lot of babbling on and on, but not saying anything. As other people have said--it's just quacking. It also sounds completely self-centered--as someone else said, narcicistic. It sounds like something my AF would write.
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