anaserene

I've been giving a lot of thought to the issue of codependency and gender, as I have mentioned in prior posts. I found a book that belonged to my beloved mother titled Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them. In it, there is a passage that I think describes what I have been detecting in the codependent-addict/counterdependent dynamic:

The more extreme and dangerous sociopaths create a whirlwind of chaos in their lives. They use and exploit anyone who comes into their orbit. Lies and deception are second nature to them...I wondered whether these men got some sort of perverse pleasure out of the pain and suffering they were causing their partners. Were they, in fact, sadists? After all, many of the people I discussed my discoveries with assured me that the women involved with these men were classic textbook masochists. I knew that the labeling of women in unhealthy relationships as masochistic has long been standard practice in my profession and in our culture. This is a convenient but highly dangerous way of attempting to explain why so many women fall into self-denying, submissive behavior with men. In reality, women learn these behaviors early and are consistently rewarded and praised for them. The paradox here is that the behaviors that make a woman vulnerable to mistreatment are the very ones she has been taught are feminine and lovable.

When I was with my alcoholic bfriend of 8years, I frequently thought to myself, and sometimes told him out loud, I AM NOT A MASOCHIST! He was so selfish, narcissistic, and abusive, that I had lost myself. We ended our relationship this summer, and I'm still trying to get myself back. In a new relationship now, and I am distrustful and afraid, although my new guy is soooo different from the old one. I don't want to open myself up again only to be hurt. I fear falling into the same co-d pattern of putting myself last, not being able to enjoy sex, and being unhappy for all the reasons my co-dependency has made me an unfulfilled, unhappy person. How can I avoid this fate? How can I learn to change? How can I become a different person???

lc1972

Well I think that having the ability to acknowledge the pattern and your behavior alone makes you a different person and you have you have learned. Having insight to yourself and your past patterns is much better than not having it. I feel that with what we as codies have done in that past does not mean it will be the present or the future, but only when we recognize it and remember to keep working on ourselves. Even if any of us were to find ourselves in a situation of codie behavior again I believe it can be recognized and dealt with much better and with quicker response. I am having those feelings also though you are not alone and I have to remind myself all the time to trust my gut and not doubt myself. I don't want to go back to the closed off person I had been in my 20's before I met my AH. I want to feel the true joy in life and appreciate all the little things with a true smile on my face. I do see how I was raised has brought me to where I am, though I am holding no blame or anger. I have found myself now in a place that I want to know more and understand myself more. If in that journey I may fall and get hurt again then I will pick myself up and try and learn from it once again. I hope you keep yourself open, because the one thing I believe about us codies is that we are the most loving, giving and beautiful people in the world. We can still be all those things and remember to put ourselves first it is just a process of learning how.

Hugs and prayers out to you and may you have a fantastic day for your post

rose

I know for myself and I think thousands of others, one of our biggest worries is being alone, feel we need to be in a relationship and sometimes it is at any cost, even with big bold red flags peircing holes in our eyes we chose to ignore. We make it a dream for these type of men or woman. The first relationship I got involved in after my exah was with this type of man and I was the lonely person, feeling I needed a relationship to fullfill myself. What a disaster, every other day I was in a turmoil of worrying where he was why he hadn't called, he was a real player, womanizer guy. Then he would call and I would be all better...how sick is this! He ended up dumping me and I was devasted and alone. I did start to make use of my alone time, going out with friends, doing knew things, went on two trips. Alone was a gift right infront of my face! I am so ever grateful that I was given this chance to learn about myself and this stigma of thinking I need to be in a relationship is no longer.

It is kind of funny that you posted this, but after 2 years of not seeing or hearing from this piece of work, my phone rang on Wed. night, it came up name unknown but I answered if, there he was on the other end, his charming old self, I charmed him right back!

These type of people are out there and it is up to us what we allow them to do to us, really no fault of theirs.

Rose

kilt

Takes time. It is probably going to take you a year or two to get over that jerk you dated. Best thing you can do for yourself, to reinvent yourself, is to be around positive people. I have seen people change, recover from crappy relationships and do really well. You got out and that is the most important step. Some women live with jerks FOREVER, unaware that there is better out there. You escaped. Time develops emotional distance.

I know you can't buy time at the store to get you faster to all clean, happy and unscrewed, but you will get there. Fill your life with positive people, sister.

Rambeaux

These posts brought back long-buried memories. My relationship with my second husband could have come straight out of this book. It was devastating, something I've never really gotten over. It shattered my trust. Before getting into the relationship, I was fairly healthy psychologically and emotionally. I withstood his abuses for a couple of years before cracks began to appear in my independence. By the end of the seventh year (I call it my seven years of bad luck), I had lost myself. My drinking was way out of control, and I was suicidal (homicidal when it came to the hubby). He didn't make me an alcoholic, but he sure accelerated the process.

For me, I can't see a way past the experience. How could I ever trust that someone really loves me again? He was a prince at first, a monster afterwards. How can you know? I would never risk that hurt again. Never.